Hermione

Hogwarts

First week back from break, January 1996

Draco wasn't at dinner that evening. And he didn't respond to her via parchment that night either.

The next morning, the moment Hermione woke, she turned to the parchment. Normally it would contain the last messages written, but now, the paper was completely blank.

Pragmatic to the core, Hermione's train of thought began preparing her heart and body for the worst.

The day before, she did her best to convince herself that the rumor wasn't that bad. When she caught up with Ginny, it sounded as if most people that heard it thought it was insane and dismissed it without a second thought.

But that didn't mean everyone thought it was a joke. Astoria had slammed into her at the start of Defense Against the Dark Arts. She certainly seemed scorned enough to have believed the rumor to some extent.

It was risky that they each sought out the other's look at the end of class, but it was involuntary by that point for her. His ice blue gaze could instantly ground her.

The physical feeling of seeing the depth of emotion behind his eyes made her body want to do uncontrolled things just to be near him. It was obvious that she had become addicted to him, and her logical side now scolded her because she should have known this would eventually become unsalvageable.

Down at breakfast, Hermione sat between Ginny and Harry. She kept her head down on a book placed in front of her, determined to not be distracted by anything or anyone. At one point she sensed Ron and Lavender sit in front of them, but Hermione didn't look up.

Hermione kept re-reading the same line in her book. It was a new one over viewing Thatchers, but the only thing she could think of was how she wanted nothing more than to talk to Malfoy about it; to test his status as a Thatchers expert.

A blurred form passed the opposite side of the table, drawing Hermione's interest up. The form, now appearing to be Parvati, leaned in over Lavender's shoulder, desperate to have Lavender look over to the entrance of the Great Hall.

"I knew it wasn't true!" Parvati shrieked, gesturing with her chin to get Lavender to look where she was looking. "He's with Astoria!"

Hermione looked up to the front of the hall to see a group of Slytherins walking in. Among them was Draco, his arm resting across Astoria Greengrass' shoulder, her hand wrapped loosely around his waist. She looked beyond pleased.

Her chest went into a free fall. It took everything in her to not react to what she was seeing, because a split second after students around the room saw Draco with Astoria, eyes began to turn towards her.

With her hand slightly trembling, she turned a page in her book, then brought her attention back down to what she was reading. As if she couldn't be bothered.

All of her focus went to her breathing. One deep breath in, one deep breath out. Keep the focus on the breath and not the shattering sensation in the middle of her chest.

Ginny turned to look at Hermione. Taking a ragged quick breath, Hermione let out a huff of air, trusting herself to at least get something out of her mouth to Ginny.

"See, rumors are silly," Hermione cracked a smile.

Ginny searched Hermione's face, desperately trying to understand what her friend was going through. Not being able to maintain the ruse any longer, Hermione turned back down to her book, looking at the words but not making sense of any of it.

Then, an owl swooped by Hermione and dropped a rolled piece of parchment. Her heart rate quickened, but quickly slowed when she opened up the scroll. It was from Slughorn, and it was letting her know that their final detention had been canceled.

Transfiguration was their first class of the day. Hermione wanted nothing more than to seal herself away in her four poster, and let the dam burst that was holding back the immeasurable pain she was feeling.

But she couldn't do that. She had to accomplish two things: Not give the rumor any validity, and not let anyone see that she was hurt.

In a twist of events, Ron chose to sit next to Hermione rather Lavender, which was bizarre because for weeks he hadn't even sat in the same row as her and Harry. Hermione didn't dare look over at Lavender, knowing it would only be daggers thrown her way.

Ron didn't bring up the rumor. He did say "hi" to her in a gentle tone that seemed to communicate he was wanting to make sure she was OK. It felt, kind of nice.

But Hermione no longer wanted nice. She knew what it felt like to have her emotions set on fire, and now she needed it.

Sitting at her seat before the start of class, Hermione's eyes went unfocused as she really thought about what just happened. Yes, seeing Draco with an arm around Astoria crushed her. She was only human. But she was starting to let herself believe that something did not make sense.

A part of her kept whispering that she knew Draco, and this type of cruel behavior was only ever an act to keep people away. Hermione wouldn't let herself believe that he could have used her.

Right before class started, the Slytherins walked in together, getting to class uncommonly late. As they passed everyone already seated, Astoria flaunted her new possession of Draco Malfoy for all to see, casting fingers through his hair as she looked up to him with a dreamy stare.

As they passed, Ron turned to Hermione.

"Did you do the homework?" Ron asked meekly. He shook his head and blushed. "I mean of course you did"

Hermione was growing more confused by the minute. Now Ron was talking to her again?

Out of habit though, she reached into her bag and pulled out her scrolls for Ron to copy.

"Oh no, I didn't want to copy, I just wanted to know what you got for the part about Animagus side effects," Ron asked casually. To their side, Lavender visibly leaned over other students and was staring ruthlessly at Hermione.

"Uh, yeah, sure," Hermione angled her paper towards him, and he promptly leaned in, brushing his arm with hers gently while he reviewed her neat handwriting.

A minute later, he took out his wand and quill and with a twinge of red in his cheeks, erased a piece he had written and then scribbled something new. Smiling meekly at Hermione, he pulled his scroll away and leaned back into his seat.

By the time their interaction had finished, the Slytherin parade had made its way past her, and thankfully, was seated towards at the back.

Transfiguration was at least stimulating, enough so that Hermione found she was able to keep herself mildly distracted from her racing emotions for the majority of the class.

But in moments of weakness, she tried to make sense of it all.

It would make sense that if people thought he was together with her, that he would want to stop that in its tracks. Draco Malfoy would be the last person anyone would think to turn "blood traitor."

Her blood boiled (ironically) just thinking about the role organic material such a blood played in the wizarding world. It was absolute lunacy. It was blood!

But worst of all, she hated what it did to her. Even though she knew none of it had merit, she still felt degraded that she could be reduced down to something as insignificant as blood, and in turn make someone else with 'better blood' appear lower for being with inferior blood.

But in her bones, she believed that Malfoy did not see her that way, at least not anymore. He was devastatingly smart, and the way he spoke to her about muggle related topics told her he did not believe the propaganda.

"'Moine can I borrow ink? I ran out." Ron whispered after having leaned in close to her ear to ask.

As Professor Mcgonnagal continued to teach, Hermione pulled out a bottle of ink and laid it in front of Ron who gave her a thankful smile.

Out of the corner of her eye she saw caught a flash of blonde watching her, his eyes serious and drawn to the point where Hermione and Ron just came together.

She turned quickly back to the front of the class, her skin prickling.

When the class ended, Hermione attempted to collect her things and leave as quickly as possible, not wanting to chance another visual encounter with Malfoy. But before she could, the Slytherins commenced their procession across the front of the classroom.

Draco looked stiff, and did not dare look at her. Astoria however curled her hand into his, leaning into him affectionately as she turned and said something to Pansy over her shoulder. Hermione noted that Pansy did not look particularly amused with the development of Astoria and Draco.

Arithmatcy was her next class. Aside from all of the Ravenclaws, Hermione was the only Gryffindor who had stuck with the subject, in addition to a handful of Slytherins: Theo, Pansy, Blaise, and of course, Draco.

Hermione was already seated at her desk, book out and reading when she had the sense that Draco and the other Slytherins had entered. She kept her head down, not wanting to tempt herself with looking in his direction for even a second.

While Hermione adored Arithmancy, the class itself could be boring at times, making it near impossible to govern her thoughts from spinning out of control.

A string of theories were concocting in her mind when she was called to attention.

"Lets see, Ms. Granger…" Professor Vector called out "...and Mr. Malfoy. Lets have you both come to the board for this next equation"

Her body went rigid. She had to wonder if perhaps she had picked up some especially unlucky cursed item in the past 48 hours to have caused all of this.

Tightly, she walked up to the board, keeping her eyes tunneled in on the equation she was about to work out.

When she was at the front of the class, she saw that a hand was reaching out a piece of chalk to her.

She first looked down at the chalk, then up at the holder of the chalk, who was of course Draco. He gave her a dead stare as he moved his hand towards her once again for her to take hold of what he held out to her.

Numbly she took it from his hand. She could have sworn he let his finger brush against hers in the transaction. It made her want to scream and cry all at once.

Steadying herself, she looked at the equation, and with rage, and a breaking heart, she began feverishly writing out the work.

Before Draco was even half done, she had completed her work and was already walking back to her seat, knowing she was right. A few Ravenclaws gave her a look of approval, which on any other day, may have gave her something to smile about.

Instead of putting herself in a position to watch him leave again, Hermione waited behind; organizing her things at her desk, allowing everyone to make their way out before her.

She finished writing a note to herself about a detail she wanted to be mindful of for the Arithmancy homework due by next class. Stuffing her things away in her bag, she looked around the room and sighed seeing that everyone, even Professor Vector had left.

The wooden door to the Arithmancy room was closed, and in the silence of the room, with only the muffled sounds of students just outside the door, she realized that this was the first moment she had been alone since everything that had happened that morning.

Hot prickly tears began to tear away at her eyes. She stood by her desk limply, looking out the expansive window of the classroom that peered out to the Black Lake. She rubbed the tears away roughly with the back of her palm, taking short gulps of breath to calm herself down.

She was so mad at herself for letting it get this far. But when she considered it, what was she suppose to do? At what point would she have been able to step away from whatever was building with Malfoy and not feel torn apart?

The door clicked once, and then clicked again. She looked over her shoulder and saw him.

Draco stood there in front of the door, his body austere, and simply stared at her.

She could only pull in shallow breaths as she willed away the rest of her tears. She must have looked a mixture of enraged and desperate.

He didn't say anything, he just looked at her, his eyes deep pools of uncertainty.

Finally she couldn't take it anymore and broke the silence.

"What do you want?" she asked, hardly above a whisper. Fresh silent tears escaped the corners of her eye.

Malfoy took several steps forward, moving closer towards where she stood. She felt like a scared animal. Should she run, or should she stay there and be saved?

"Granger…" his voice sounded frayed.

"You don't have to explain anything, I get it," the words rolled out of her mouth too easily, as if she didn't care. But she did care, and it hurt her so much to say.

Nothing, he was saying nothing to her. She looked back up to him as she watched his feet become stuck just outside of arms length from her.

"Please," he said finally, his voice sounding soft, like it was betraying his better judgment. "Meet me at our spot tonight at 11"

Hermione turned her chin to look at him. She couldn't understand the expression he gave her.

A click, and then a cough. They both looked up and saw Ron at the door, looking between the two.

"Hermione, I uh, was waiting for you outside of class. Thought I'd walk you back to the common room," Ron said gruffly, still looking between the two, his eyes slicing through Draco.

She nodded, knowing that she had to get away from the situation she was in. Without another thought, she moved towards the door.

When Hermione was closer to Ron, the red head noticed that she had been crying. Suddenly, Ron took several jagged steps towards Draco.

"What did you do?" Ron growled, moving into Draco's space.

Draco stood his ground, but made no movement to say or do anything in retaliation.

Hermione gently grabbed Ron's arm and pulled him away, bringing him with her towards the door. "Please Ron, lets just go"

Ron and Draco's eyes both rested on where Hermione's hand touched Ron's arm. Before turning, Ron gave Draco one more withering glare.

Hermione hadn't decided if she would go to the Room of Requirement that night. She couldn't even bring herself to look back at him before leaving the classroom. All she knew was that she needed space in that moment to breathe.

It was 11:15 when Hermione passed the Room of Requirement three times thinking she needed a place to hide something. She had concluded earlier that she wouldn't go, but laying in her bed, eyes wide awake, she knew she had to establish some type of understanding of everything that had just transpired.

The light in the expansive room was as dim as it was the first night she had showed him the spot. A perpetual glow of torch light, though no torches could be seen, glowed low throughout the room.

And right in the door way, was Draco.

The door closed behind Hermione. Her eyes diverted away from his intense stare; it felt like looking into the sun.

"Thanks for coming…", and just his voice made her feel like a desperate woman already. This was wholly unfair. Why did she have to be so consumed by him? Even his stupid voice made her want to forget the pain she felt that day.

She was so mad at herself, so mad; because immediately quiet tears began running down her face.

And damn him, damn him she thought because there he was, bringing her into him, holding her tightly against his chest, his insufferable smell of cedar and rain reminding her that this wasn't going to be hers.

She angled herself away from him and looked up.

"I assume you wanted to meet so we could get our stories straight?" Hermione asked numbly, trying to soften her posture.

He was staring at her so fiercely that she felt he had a magical hold on her. She shook her body to loosen it's grip.

"Granger," he said, his hand reaching out towards hers but falling before it connected. "We can't do this."

"I know," she replied coldly, looking down at the ground.

"I - " Draco's voice hitched. She looked up to him, never having seen him look this lost before.

"You're a pureblood, and I'm a muggle born," Hermione said sadly, his eyes finding hers. He gave her a sad, longing look. "I get it"

His head sank, his posture was tired.

They stood there in silence until something hit Hermione. It rushed over her in a way that she wasn't expecting.

"Actually no I don't get it," she barked out. She looked up to Draco, her eyes boring into his. "I really care about you Draco…"

He looked like he was about to break and he tried to stop her. "Granger, don't…"

She stepped into him, eyes on fire. "You can make your choice, but you at least need to know that I do care about you. I can't pretend like this didn't have any effect on me."

"You couldn't understand…" his voice was thin. She found that his hand was now on her face, rubbing along her jaw bone. "It's more than just what I want…"

"Draco we can figure something out," her voice rising to the point of hysterics. In saying what she really wanted, instead of just walking away, she ripped open a part of her that was now raw and it was going to be so much harder to come back from this.

His fingers curled into her face in a wild way.

Then, he pulled her lips onto his like he was furious. Furious at the whole world, but her. She met him just the same, feeling like she was just able to take a breath after being underwater for too long.

Then he pushed back from her, taking a few steps away, and running his hand brokenly through his hair. He loosed an angry grunt.

"We can't do this!" he yelled, his features looking manic. "What don't you get Granger, this isn't going to happen!"

She looked at him at a loss. He had just kissed her, it was obvious that he was fighting against something that they both wanted. She knew it would be difficult to figure out…

Draco turned abruptly to her, leaning in. "I'm with Astoria now, got it?" he said cruelly. Her face crumpled.

Momentarily it looked as if he was about to break once more, but then his face screwed up. "And from the looks of it, you're with Weasle anyway."

Hermione's jaw dropped. "Excuse me!" Draco had rounded and walked away from Hermione, but she had followed him.

"How dare you say such a thing. That is not at all true. I was not the one in the Great Hall, arms around someone else!" Hermione cried back, hot tears now streaming down her face.

He wouldn't look at her, he kept pacing away from her as she followed him.

"This was some stupid thing we did, OK?" Draco explained crudely, gesturing between the two. "Get over it."

Hermoine looked at him dumbfounded. "I get the predicament of our situation, but why are you acting like this? You're not like this…"

Draco laughed maliciously, turning to face her. "It's pathetic that you think you know anything about who I am. You'd be appalled if you really knew who I was."

She stared at him while he kept his eyes cold on her.

"You don't mean that," Hermione said back to him, feeling detached from reality. What was happening? She felt like she was going insane.

"I'm a pureblood Granger. Near royalty level of pureblood at that. Do you get that?" as he spoke, she was having flashbacks of the bully she used to know years past. "And you're…"

She could tell where he was going with this. She began shaking her head, thick tears rolling down her cheeks.

"Draco please, don't…"

"You're a mudblood," he said. It felt like the air had been sucked out of the room.

Hermione's head tipped down, not having any fight left in her.

"Do not contact me, do not speak to me," Draco said. Hermione's face was angled to the ground; she couldn't even tell what type of expression was on his face as he said the words. "Forget any of this even happened."

In that moment, more than anything, she wished she could forget. It wasn't just hurt that she was feeling, but raw confusion, and doubt, and the sheer feeling of insanity that even though this thing between them never made sense, this outcome and how he was acting, was threatening to make her question everything she ever thought she knew.

This was not the person she fell asleep with just two nights prior. Nor was he the wizard who snuck her out on Christmas so she could show him what a snowman was. It wasn't even the man who took it upon himself to change the makeup of a potion to protect a stranger from terrible withdrawal effects in their second detention.

Then it hit her. If the person who stood in front of her wasn't that wizard, she didn't want to be there anyway.

She couldn't bare to say goodbye. Instead, she turned away, never looking back up at him, and left it all behind.