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Rabid Phan-Girls
I moaned in despair as I collapsed on the couch back inside the closet. How could such a potentially good day go so terribly wrong?
"It's horrible!" I cried as Erik sat down beside me. "I'll be stuck in here forever!" I stared at him in terror as fear wrenched at my heart. "With you!"
"Gee, thanks!" Erik said sarcastically.
"Well?" I cried. "Don't just sit there! You're supposed to be a genius! Think of something! Get me out of this closet!"
Erik rolled his eyes. "Try your cell phone."
"Right!" I pulled out my cell phone and turned it on. But then it beeped, the little red light on top flashed, and the display went black.
"No!" I shrieked. "The battery's dead!"
"Oh, great!" Erik said. "Don't you ever charge that thing?"
"OK," I said. "The cell phone's useless. What else can we do?"
"Maybe you could send an e-mail to someone and tell them to come let us out."
"That won't work!" I cried. "Hotmail's still jammed up! I can't log on!"
Erik shrugged and stood up, walking over to the small pantry that stood beside my desk. "Well, look on the bright side, Angel," he said. "At least we have plenty of food to sustain us for… oh, say… two, maybe three weeks?"
"Three weeks with you?" I cried. "I'd rather starve to death!"
Erik shrugged. "More for me, then…" He opened the pantry and looked inside. "Hey!" he exclaimed. "Who ate all the popcorn?"
"Probably Hollom," I replied miserably. "He's always borrowing things!"
Erik growled as he slammed the pantry door shut. "He and I are going to come to blows one of these days!"
I sat up. "Well, maybe one of your phans left some more popcorn for you in a review," I said as I got up and went over to the computer.
"But hotmail's down and out!" Erik said.
"Sure, but I can still read reviews at the fanfiction site…" I logged on and opened up my stories. "Look! There have been ten new reviews since I checked last. Let's see what they say…" I clicked on the button.
Suddenly, my computer screen started glowing weirdly. The PC emitted a strange static-noise.
"Wow," Erik said dryly. "This is like Signs all over again!"
"Erik!" I cried jumping from my chair and backing away from the now-smoking machine. "I think I broke it! Oh, will nothing go right today?"
A great bright like shone forth from the monitor. Then the screen spit ten girls out of its glowing depths. They landed on the cold floor with a thump. All at once, my PC was back to its old self, no longer smoking or glowing.
"OK," Erik said, shifting his glance between the PC and the odd characters on the floor. "That's the weirdest thing I've seen today."
The people whom my PC had just regurgitated looked about the room dazed.
"I can't believe it!" I shrieked. "It's Tadriendra, Elly, Saripunkinpie, Jedi Knight Padme, MJ-Skywalker, Silent Phantasy, Mrs. Gerard Butler and… and…" I glanced at the other three girls. "I don't know those people…"
Erik shot me an odd glance. "Do your friends always come to visit via your computer?"
"It must be the work of my omnipotent PC!" I said with conviction. "It must have known I was trapped and teleported these reviewers here!"
"How interesting," Erik said, not sounding interested at all. He sat down on the couch and picked up The Daily Phantom. He stretched out his long frame on the couch as he read the newspaper. "So did your PC send these reviewers here to help us escape?"
"Doubtful," I admitted. "Though at least I won't lose my sanity."
"OH MY GAAAAWWWD!" Tadriendra of Mirkwood shrieked when she suddenly realized where she was. "I'M IN ERIK'S CLOSET!" Then she glanced over at the other seven girls. "Hey, what're y'all doin' down there?" she demanded. "It's my turn in the closet! Out!"
"Hey, no way!" Sari said, crossing her arms. "I've been waiting all week to get into the closet!"
The three girls whom I did not recognize glanced about themselves. "Where the heck are we?" one of them asked.
MJ turned to Elly. "What happened?" she whispered. "I was just reviewing Angel's story, then there was this blinding light, and now I'm sitting in a small dark room and that looks like the Phantom of the Opera on that couch over there reading a newspaper…"
"Erik?" Elly cried delightedly. "Oh, yay! Something wonderful has just happened! We're in the closet!"
Jedi Knight Padme got to her feet and the Imperial March started to play. "Darth Padme Skywalker returns!" she laughed evilly.
"Uh, oh," I muttered. "She's turned to the Dark Side again…"
Phantasy had landed on her head. She sat up and rubbed her sore noggin. "Muse!Erik? Muse!Erik? Where'd you go? Huh? Where am I? Is this a trick, Muse!Erik?" She pulled out her squirt gun. "Muse!Erik, you have been bad! Bad muse! Show yourself!"
Mrs. Butler shot her a glance. "Who are you talking to?"
"My muse!" Phantasy exclaimed. She glanced at the couch where Erik was still reading The Daily Phantom. "That looks like him over there! Bad muse!" She prepared to fire her weapon.
Sensing that a cat fight was about to break out between Tad and Sari, and that MJ-Skywalker was about to attack the treacherous Padme, and that Phantasy was about to squirt poor, unsuspecting Erik (snicker), I decided to speak up.
"I'd love to watch this scene play out," I said, "and then write a tragically romantic fanfic about it… But we have a bit of an emergency…"
"Angel!" Elly shrieked happily. She ran straight for me and wrapped me up in a rib-cracking lung-crushing hug. "I'm so, so, so glad to see you!"
"Ugh…" I gasped out. "El… Elly… Can't… breathe…"
"Erik!" Sari and Tad cried in unison. Forgetting their brawl, they jumped onto the couch on either side of Erik. Sari immediately threw her arms around Erik's waist and started smothering him with "smoochies." Tad started cuddling.
"Ugh!" Erik grunted, dropping his newspaper. "Clingy, rabid phan-girls!"
"Er… ik… Erik…" I wheezed, still trapped in Elly's embrace. "Help… need… oxygen…"
"Do I look like I'm in any position to come to your rescue?" Erik asked incredulously as he found Tad had moved onto his lap.
Mrs. Butler looked at Erik and sighed. "He really doesn't look like my handsome Gerik…" She shrugged. "Oh, well!" Then she joined Tad and Sari on the couch.
Phantasy still had her water gun pointed at Erik. "Get out of the way!" she shrieked at the three on the couch. "I can't get a clear shot!"
MJ calmly walked over to me and Elly and took a look at my blue face. "Elly? Her eyes are bugging out."
"Oops!" Elly let me go and I gasped for breath.
"Tremble before the power of the Dark Side!" Padme started levitating the television set.
"Will someone please tell us what's going on?" one of the three strangers demanded.
I glanced at them. "Uh… Who are you guys?"
"I'm Mrs. Malfoy."
"I'm Invaderoperaghost."
"I'm Angel of Mystery."
"I see," I murmured. "I'm AngelofMusic8578, or Angel, if you prefer. You're in my closet."
"How'd we get here?"
"Simple," Erik said, attempting to pry Mrs. Butler off of his chest. "You reviewed."
The three girls stared at Erik. "OH MAH GAWD!" they shrieked. "IT'S ERIK!"
So now Erik had to defend himself against six rabid phan-girls. Elly joined them, squeezing onto the tiny space that was left on the couch, bringing the total to seven.
MJ faced Padme. "You have betrayed the Jedi!" she accused. "You were supposed to fight the Sith, not join them! You were supposed to bring balance to the Force, not throw it into darkness! You have become the very thing you swore to destroy."
"Stop quoting Episode Three!" Padme shrieked. "I haven't seen it yet!"
"The Dark Side, I sense in you," MJ said solemnly.
"It's seems this contest cannot be decided by our knowledge of the Force," Padme declared. "But by our skill with the lightsabre!"
Both girls reached for their lightsabres… and came up empty.
"You fiend!" MJ cried. "You have stolen my weapon!"
"No!" Padme shot back. "You stole my weapon!"
"Hey, ladies, calm down!" I said. "My PC probably took your lightsabres when it transported you here."
"Oh," MJ said. "So what are we doing here?"
"Well," I sighed. "We have a little problem… Erik and I are locked in the closet…"