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Failed Escape Attempts
The ten girls in the closet all looked at me and blinked.
Then they all burst out in hysterical laughter.
"I fail to see the amusement in this situation!" Erik scoffed.
Tad chuckled as she wiped a tear from her eye. "It was bound to happen eventually…"
"One question…" MJ said. "Would you rather be stuck in the closet with Angel… or Fantine?"
Erik grimaced as he remembered the hot-tempered Phantomess from one of my other fics. "How about neither?"
"I've got a great idea!" Mrs. Malfoy cried. "Angel should totally write a romance fic about this!" She stood up on the couch and dramatically told the story. "Angel and Erik are stuck in the closet, and have no hope of escape! Emotionally shattered, she breaks down in Erik's comforting arms. They fall in love! Then a week later they are discovered by an electrician who accidentally discovers the secret closet, and Angel is freed! But she can't stop thinking of her beloved Erik, and then she received news that she is with child, and–"
"Stop talking now!" Erik cried. "I just had breakfast!"
I wrinkled my nose. "An ErikxMe fic? Ew."
"Now," Erik said. "I believe Angel was about the ask the lot of you to help us find a way out of the closet."
Mrs. Malfoy gasped. "Never! Fate has brought you two together! I refuse to help you leave until you fall in love!" With that, she leapt from the couch, ran across the room, and jumped and disappeared through my PC's monitor, presumably returning to wherever it was she came from.
"Hey! That looks wicked!" Elly jumped up from the couch and jumped through the monitor after Mrs. Malfoy, followed by Tadriendra.
Erik blinked. "OK… That's the second weirdest thing I've seen today…"
My PC started glowing and smoking again. A few seconds later, it spit six more characters at us… Five girls and a guy…
"Hey!" I said. "I know some of those people!" Darklady5289 and the Dancing Egg had joined us… Along with four strangers…
"Where the heck are we?" the guy asked.
"Um… Who are you?"
"The Insane Justin."
"Don Juanita Triumphant."
"Alateriel567."
"Kataraxzukoshipper."
I blinked at the last name. "Uh… Do you have a nickname? Can I call you KZ?"
The girl seemed to mull this over in her mind. "KZ? I like it! It makes me sound like a rapper!"
"Where are we?" Justin demanded again.
I groaned and went through the process of explaining to the newcomers where they were and the current situation.
"Stuck in the closet?" the Dancing Egg giggled. "It's like the R-Kelly song!" She burst into song. "Now he's lookin' at the closet! He's walkin' towards the closet! Now he's openin' the closet! The closet! The closet!"
"Oh, Lord," Erik said, rubbing his temples. "I have a headache."
The Dancing Egg started prancing around the room and, well, dancing! Then she fell down. "Gosh, darn it!" she cursed. "My pony bit me on the knee and now it's all infected and I can't walk!" She crawled over to the couch and dramatically threw herself across Erik's lap. "Save me, luvah-boy!"
Erik wrinkled his nose. "Ew. The neosporen on your knee is running."
Darklady sighed. "It seems the only way to figure out an escape plan is to have a look at that troublesome secret door."
So, all fifteen of us crowded the narrow passageway and came to a stop at the secret door, which stood solid and mocking.
"Well, perhaps we could knock it down with something?" Justin suggested.
"You know," MJ said, "if I had my lightsabre, I could slice through this door in a jiffy!" She frowned. "Stupid, witchy, (INSERT EXPLICIT TEXT HERE) computer! It ate my lightsabre! Do you have any idea how much time it takes to build a new one?"
"Maybe I have something we could use to help us," Padme said. Immediately, she began emptying her pockets. She pulled out a ball of string, a bracelet that said 'Sith rock,' a sewing needle and thread, and a piece of old chewing gum.
"I was wondering where that went," she said as she popped the gum into her mouth.
Angel of Mystery put her ear up against the door. "I don't hear anyone on the other side."
Alateriel pushed her aside. "Oh, let me through!" she demanded. "You need a person of intelligence for this sort of job… rescue… escape… thing…" She lifted a hand and knocked on the metal door.
Taptaptap… Tap… Tap… Tap… Taptaptap!
"What are you doing?" Mrs. Butler asked.
"Morse code," Alateriel muttered.
"Oh, stop that!" Invaderoperaghost cried after about ten minutes. "No one is going to hear you!"
"We really must try to knock down this door," Sari said.
"Hey!" Justin cried. "Don't you steal my idea!"
"Well," Erik sighed, "this door is heavy. You'll need something to hit it with. Something solid, and heavy."
Padme suddenly grabbed MJ by the hair and started hitting the poor Jedi's head against the door.
"Ow!" MJ cried. "Stop! Stop!"
Padme released the girl. "Sorry… I thought your noggin fit the criteria."
I think Padme should have been grateful that my PC ate MJ's lightsabre, because the girl looked so steamed that I'm sure she was just itching slice the Sith master down to size.
"Let's go back to the room," I said. "We aren't accomplishing anything out here."
So we all returned to the main room and tried to think of a plan.
"Has anyone got something to eat?" Erik asked after about an hour of brainstorming, which amounted to whole lot of nothing. "I'm starving!"
"I brought some of my baked goods," Phantasy said.
"I brought a caramel apple," Sari said.
"I brought chocolate-covered cherries," Don Juanita said.
"I brought popcorn," KZ said.
"Popcorn!" Erik cried, practically mauling the poor girl. "Where is it? Where's the popcorn?"
"Say? What's that glowing red button on the wall?" Padme asked. She stood up and started walking towards the strange button.
Erik looked up. "Huh? No, don't touch that!"
Too late. Padme pushed the button. A strange mechanical noise came from behind the wall. Suddenly, the wall lifted up to reveal another secret room within the secret room!
I looked at Erik. "Erik! Where did that room come from?"
"I, uh…" Erik looked sheepish. "I had it built…"
"You had this built?" I shrieked, looking at the strange room. "Whatever for?"
"Well," Erik said. "It's like a… study experiment… for my fic!"
"Fop-Torture for Dummies!" Darklady's eyes lit up. "I've been waiting for Erik to publish that!"
"What exactly is this room used for?" Angel of Mystery asked.
"Well, it's…" Erik sighed. "Basically, it's a torture-chamber…"
"Like in the book?" Invaderoperaghost cried gleefully. Then she frowned. "Hey, where are all the mirrors?"
"It's a different sort of torture-chamber," Erik explained. "I've decided to broaden my torture-techniques… Look at that!" Erik gestured at a strange-looking chair. "I call that, the Chair of Impending Doom!"
"Ooh," Don Juanita gazed at it in awe. "Pretty… What does it do?"
"Don't ask me that!" Erik cried as he hit the red button again, effectively closing the wall and hiding his torture-tools. "It's too horrible for me to talk about! I fear it would scar your innocent mind!" Erik turned on Padme. "Never, ever, ever push the red button!" He turned to the rest of us. "And no one breathe a word about… the Chair!" He spoke the last word with an intense flare.
We all sat down, a little creeped out by Erik's weirdness, but choosing to forget about the torture room and its dreaded Chair… for now…
"Hey," KZ spoke up after awhile. "I have some candles! And some matches, too!" She giggled to herself and started lighting the candles and staring at them. "I'm a pyromaniac…"
"Oh, it's so romantic," Sari said. "And I have just the thing that will make this moment perfect!" She held up a DVD. "The Phantom of the Opera!"
"NOOOOOOO!" Erik screamed. But the poor man was helpless to do anything as the rabid phan-girls prepared a torture of their own.