Chapter 27: The Guide (Part 4)
Warning: Obi-Wan is done with Siri's shit.
"Why Soresu?"
Siri sighed. Irritated was only a minor description of how these constant pestering questions were starting to bother her. "I don't know, why don't you tell me?"
"Its just a simple, safe question," he said, "I'm curious why a darksider would choose that form."
She squinted at him. Was he for real? "A 'safe' question?"
He gave a sheepish smile. "Well, it can't be to personal or painful a story."
She rolled her eyes. "Something easy to step to lead into your prying again."
"Maybe."
"At least you have the honesty to admit it," she said dryly, "Even if you're wrong."
He hesitated.
"Now, Makashi was an quick and easy choice," she said, "Sidious had proceeded to demolish me by showing off his lightsaber skills and demanded I pick a form that I hadn't practiced as a Jedi. I chose Makashi simply because if I cross lightsabers with him, I'm really only going to get one shot, and it needs to be precise."
Obi-Wan frowned thoughtfully. "Are most of the choices you make based on how you can use them to kill Sidious?"
"That, to further my own ends, or to survive him/obey his orders," she said nonchalantly, ignoring the twist of his face, before refocusing, "Makashi is the counterpart to Soresu for me, an offense to pair with my defense."
Obi-Wan's brows furrowed. "How did you go about choosing Soresu? When did you start learning it?"
For a moment, she was back with Master Ur Manka, him walking her through the beginnings of the form again...
She shook her head, her face briefly filling with loathing before she banished it, giving Obi-Wan a cooled look. "That's frankly none of your business."
"It's a harmless question...," he began.
"No Obi-Wan, it really isn't," she said flatly, "Why I chose what I did can be used as a hint towards a strength or a weakness that could be used against me. How I learned it..."
Zannah had spent hours drilling Siri in it, and personally showing her every twist and trick to the form for months on end. She still wasn't as good as Zannah had been with it, and had yet to truly start weaving Sith Sorcery into active combat, but she had been close to getting the hang of splitting her attention before Naboo. Speaking of Sorcery, she wasn't going to be letting in on that at any point. The less the Jedi knew and understood about her capabilities, the better.
"...is a secret before you even begin to ask, because that can reveal just as much information."
He scratched his head. "Well... I admit I was curious. You're rather skilled with it, I was curious who taught you how to use it like that, and with a saberstaff. I'm guessing it's not Sidious."
Siri crossed her arms and gave him a look.
He sighed. "I didn't ask about your forms to glean information Siri, I just asked because I was interested. I thought it would be a topic that would be safe, neutral to start with, I didn't mean any offense."
So ignorant... the Jedi, or perhaps just Obi-Wan, were so ignorant of how so many different things could be used against a person. From how they fought, to their character, their speech patterns, how they walked or held themselves, how they thought, what kind of people they liked or didn't like, everything. Its part of the reason she adopted Zannah's attitude. It was as much of an offensive tool as it was a defensive one. Not to mention fun via messing with people.
"You're so cute floundering about without any idea what you're doing," she mused.
Case and kriffing point, watching Obi-Wan flush and then scowl at her.
"Master Ur Manka was way better at this than you were," she teased.
Obi-Wan's face flashed with hurt, turning away. "..."
She hesitated, watching him make for the door without saying a word. "Obi-Wan?"
He called for the guards to cycle the door.
"Obi-Wan, wait a sec, I didn't mean...," she began.
But he was gone.
And then she was as alone as she had been ten minutes prior...
He returned the next day, but... his face was closed off, cooled, giving her a tray of food and silently watching her eat. When she finished, he grabbed the tray and made for the entrance...
"Soresu... is chosen for many reasons by the Jedi, some because they like it, some because they think its defensiveness suits the motto of the Order," she said, one leg crossing over the other as she sat, eyes watching him pause a few feet from the forcefield, "A Sith however chooses differently. A Sith chooses to specialize in a form to suit their needs, not their desires."
He didn't turn, not immediately. And for a moment, just a moment, she was afraid she was going to be stuck alone in this cell, with nothing to do and no one to talk to, for another day. "And why did you need to learn Soresu?"
She doesn't like the way his voice is chilly towards her. It shouldn't affect her. She shouldn't let it affect her. But she doesn't like it regardless, it makes her... if she was less controlled, it would make her squirm uncomfortably. "I'm not a muscle bound lummox like Bruck was. I'm not going to naturally overpower my opponents, not unless they are weaker, or I'm pushing a lot of the Force into my blows. I have to rely on skill, on deflection, mobility, my terrain, not being where my opponent is attacking; Soresu is all that and more. I'm not as small as Za... as my instructor was, but, it still suits me. Perhaps I could have gotten away with Djem So or Ataru, their fluidity would have worked, but I like Soresu."
He turns his head, giving her a thoughtful look.
"I enjoy watching my opponents try to break me," she can't help but add maliciously, "And watching them fail, burning through their energy and allowing me a nice, easy kill when I so deign to grant them that mercy."
Obi-Wan rolls his eyes. "And just when I thought you could give a simple, clean answer."
She snickered. "I'm a Sith, Obi-Wan, what did you expect?"
That's the closest she's going to get to giving him an actual apology for yesterday. As deluded as he and the Jedi are... she knows he cares for her, wants to help in his own, ignorant, foolish way. Obi-Wan isn't any ordinary Jedi, or any of the trash she deals with on a normal basis. He doesn't deserve the sharpness of her tongue. Not unless he does something to piss her off anyway. Then its fair game.
He gives her a small, sad smile. "I suppose I don't know. You're both nothing and everything like the old horror stories we were told in the creche."
Siri frowned a little, tilting her head back. "I... can't really remember those."
Obi-Wan hesitates for a moment, an uncertain look on his face. "You'll... have to forgive me if I go to far, but, does that have anything to do with you having to compartmentalize certain areas of damage in your mind?"
Siri went very still, her voice hushed. "How do you know about that?"
"Master Che did a brief pass," said Obi-Wan in a careful tone, "She wanted to fix the damage, but... your head is apparently full of traps."
Siri slowly let her rigid form pool away. "You should be careful whose head you venture into. Mine is not a safe place to be."
"Yet according to Master Chi, there's traces of at least four darksiders having been in it," he said mildly, unmasked concern in his eyes.
She gave him a baffled look. "Four? Sidious and Plaguies I get, but who... oh, do Sith Holocrons count?"
Obi-Wan went wide-eyed. "Who is Plaguies? And Sith Holocrons? You've accessed those dark devices?"
"Plagueis," Siri said mildly, "Is a mess I got blindsided by in the middle of the kriffing Naboo mission, and yes, of course I've used Sith Holocrons, I'm a karking Sith for Force sake!"
She hummed to herself for a moment, watching Obi-Wan's eyes maintain their wide-open worry. "I'm feel like giving the Council a stroke. Feel free to tell them that up until like, a few days after Tatooine, there were two Dark Lords of the Sith. Because Sidious couldn't be bothered to have killed his own Master before taking me on as an apprentice."
Obi-Wan paled. "Two?"
"Always two there are, one to embody the power, the other to crave it," said Siri in a hushed, craving whisper, before scowling, "Plagueis got suspicious and decided he'd ransack through my mind. He wasn't gentle. He paid for it with his life, I even got to kill him, but I..."
She looked away for a moment. "I can't remember most of my years as a Padawan accuratly, its... if I even try to look at it it's a jumbled, painful mess."
She yelped a little when there were suddenly arms around her. "I'm so sorry Siri."
Siri... sat there unmoving. Not sure how to react. On one hand... she hadn't had anyone hold her like this since... Master Ur Manka... and it was Obi-Wan... it felt good, a foreign warmth. On the other hand, she despised the assumption that she was so weak she needed a comfort. She allowed herself a few more seconds to enjoy it, before scowling and shaking him off, huffing. "Please, its just a minor inconvenience I need a moment to take care of."
"Then why didn't you on your trip back to Naboo?" he demanded, "Siri, you can't let that kind of damage linger!"
"I'm a Sith, why should you care?" she jabbed back angrily, not acknowledging the question.
"We've been over why I care," he said heatedly, "And Sith or no, no one deserves that kind of pain, to have their mind ripped through. Why. Didn't. You. Fix. It? You had plenty of time to."
She shoved him back and screamed. "I DIDN'T WANT TO!"
He stumbled a bit, corrected his balance, and stared. "Why?"
"It's easier," she hissed, "To not have a past dragging you down if you can just forget about most of it."
She looked away, unable to meet that wounded look in his eyes. "A Sith thrives off of pain and anger, off suffering, especially their own. If all my past gives me is pain, without any of the drawbacks coming from a Jedi normally would, then all the better."
"That's an awful way to live," said Obi-Wan quietly before frowning, "How do you remember me then?"
She fidgeted a bit. "I... was selfish. I held onto the parts that I actually liked. You... Master Galia... Bant, Vos, Ga..."
She swallowed. "Garen."
There was the tiniest flinch from Obi-Wan at that, a flicker of accusation and anger in his eyes before he masked it. Siri's stomach plummeted, and her eyes widened.
No.
No way.
He wasn't there.
He couldn't possibly know.
There's no possible way he could have figured out she killed Garen.
"I... I don't want to talk anymore today Obi-Wan," she whispered, wrapping her arms around herself as she struggled with another massive wave of crushing guilt, "Leave."
How... how could he even stand to be in the same room as her? How could he even care? If he knew she had killed one of their best friends? Force, she had ripped through his own mental shields, something he had shown sympathy towards her for. Why did he feel anything towards her anymore?
"Maybe," he said slowly, "I don't want to leave right now."
Siri uncrossed her legs and tensed, gripping the bed as if to push off, eyes sweeping across the room in steadily rising panic, reflexively looking for an exit she could use. She wanted out of here. She wanted to be away from Obi-Wan. She wanted the Dark Side back to drown out these damned feelings she thought she had gotten over years ago. She wanted to not have to struggle to control herself every waking moment while in this accursed Force suppressant cell with him. Frankly, she'd settle for dying right about now judging by the steel in his eye.
"Siri."
She swallowed and turned her head towards him.
"I'm surprised you didn't choose to forget about Garen," he said, eyes narrowed, "After all, I remember watching you cry over murdering him. I'd thought you'd want to forget about that remorse, that regret."
Siri made a choking sound. "H-how..."
"Force vision," he said flatly, taking a step forward, "Why chose to continue this life of suffering Siri?"
She gritted her teeth, trying so hard to bury long dead emotions that should stay dead. She sneered at him, reaching for any hateful memory she could, desperately wishing she could draw power from them. "I'm a Sith Obi-Wan, it's my life. I enjoy it. I have no regrets."
"You LIAR!" he shouted at her, jabbing a finger in her direction, "You cried over him!"
"I was young!" she shouted back, "Weak! Foolish! Stupid! Clinging to trappings of a life I should have let die years ago!"
"Weak? Foolish?" he hissed, glaring at her, "Sidious had you murder one of your best friends, and brutally shocked you when you cried over him. He's had you do so many awful, atrocious things. So let me ask you something Siri. Everything you've done up to this point: Was. It. Worth. It?"
She shook with fury, eyes blurring with tears she never wanted to let free.
"Because right about now Siri," he said harshly, "I think it's left you alone in this cell with nothing to show for it. But you already knew that, you admitted that this path would destroy you."
"It'll be worth it," she whispered, "I... I just... I have to kill Sidious and it'll all be worth it."
He gave her a look of pure pity. "No, no it won't Siri."
He stood in the center of the cell and stared at her, his voice powerful and focused. "Mark my words Siri. If you get out of this and still end up going back to the Dark Side, to the Sith, remember what I say here and now: One day, you'll stand over Sidious's corpse, I don't doubt you will, you'll be triumphant for that one, single moment. Then you'll realize that that you lost everything you ever had to gain in doing so, sacrificed all that was dear and precious to you. All you'll have left is the Dark Side, with everything and everyone else turned unto ash. Then, and only then, will you truly realize that it wasn't worth it."
"Shut up," she whispered, shaking her head again and again, "Shut up! Shut up! Shut up!"
"Of all the things I remember about you Siri," he said, shaking his head, "I don't remember you being a coward."
"A coward," she spat out, "You think I'm a coward? When I've had the strength to walk my path?"
"That's anything but strength," he snarled, "I think you're a coward, because you're to afraid to walk away from the Dark Side! You're to afraid to admit you still can despite how much you've done to damn yourself! To kill your own damn soul! You're to afraid to even try!"
"What's there left to try for?" she spat bitterly.
"I don't know, maybe becoming a decent, respectable sentient being? Having a real life? Becoming happy? Being good?" he said, "Who can help pay back society for what you've done by helping us stop Sidious?"
"You... you think it's that simple? You think I can walk away from what I've become?" she spat, her voice wobbling.
"And what is it, exactly, that you have become?" he asked pointedly before his voice softened, "That makes you rejects my care? Reject me trying to help you find another path? Reject finding your way back?"
She absolutely lost it.
"I'M A MONSTER! A MASS MURDERER! A RAPIST! I'VE KILLED HUNDREDS OF PEOPLE AND RUINED AN EQUAL AMOUNT OF LIVES! I KILLED ONE OF MY BEST FRIENDS, TRIED TO KILL YOU! I'M A SITH! HOW CAN YOU FEEL ANYTHING FOR ME?" she screamed at him at the top of her lungs, "WHY? WHY DON'T YOU HATE ME?!"
Her energy left her then, burnt out and ashen; she sagged. "Why?"
He closed his eyes, deep pain etched across his face. "A Jedi does not hate."
"Don't... don't give me that bantha shit," she spat out weakly.
"I don't know Siri," he admitted, "You've given me every reason to, with all that you've done, all that you've admitted being willing to do. I should hate you, I shouldn't feel a speck of love for you. I should walk away and leave you to rot."
It was like a gaping, bleeding wound had burst open...
He shook his head and opened his eyes. "I hate what you've done, I'm disgusted, and so unbelievably angry that its a good thing I can't touch the Force right now. But you yourself? I don't feel anything malicious, just pity, grief, and regret, for not having been able to do something for you sooner. But I'll be damned if I don't help you over your cowardice and get you back on the right path."
She closed her eyes, unable to stop the tears this time. "I'm... I'm not a coward Obi-Wan... I'm just realistic. I'm not afraid of coming back, because there is nothing to come back to. It's to late... its far to late... its been to late for me for years..."
Obi-Wan sighed heavily. "No its not Siri, if you had killed me, turned your back on what you felt, maybe then, but you didn't, and I'm going to keep hammering in that point until you well and truly accept it."
"Then we're going to be here for the rest of my life," she said weakly.
"If that's how long it takes," He turned towards the entrance. "Tomorrow, we're going to start from the beginning, and you are going to tell me everything that you went through, that you did. Day by day, until we're done."
Her eyes trailed him towards the forcefields. She felt more raw than she ever had in her life, she wanted to hate him, wanted him to hate her, yet she didn't want to be here alone with only her emotions as company, "Please... please don't go... don't leave me alone in here..."
He stopped a few feet from the entryway. "You're going to have to make a choice Siri. Because if this is the path you choose, if you ever become Darth Tyrosus again, if you leave yourself behind and become that monster, I will walk away, I will leave you, I will let you go, and I won't look back with anything but regret."
She watched him go, and it was minutes before she could voice her grief, letting out a quiet sob. Darth Tyrosus... everything Sidious wanted her to be, everything Siri wanted to become in order to kill him... everything she had been for those few minutes on Naboo... what she had lost when Obi-Wan sucker punched her with love... she remembered that state... and frowned...
Zannah had described becoming a Sith, truly becoming a Sith and accepting the Dark Side, as being like you were dying and being reborn. Leaving behind an old shell as you ascended into your new, unrestrained life. A new you, free of the chains of the past. Yet... here Siri sat... looking at that moment in her raw state... she couldn't deny what she saw...
She looked through her memories... and while that moment was drowned in darkness, the memory was her own, they belonged to no one else...
No lurking split personality... it was only her in her mind...
It was a lie... a lie Sith told themselves...
She whispered to herself a truth that she struggled with, that she wanted to deny. "Then I've already lost you Obi-Wan. I was there for a moment, before you pulled me away. I was her... you don't get it... I don't think the Sith as a whole get it. I... I didn't understand the concept until I reached that state, and then shattered it when I came back. I thought... I thought back on my life, that Siri, that I, was a weak, pathetic little girl that didn't exist anymore... trappings to be cast aside. But it's not true..."
She shook her head. "Siri Tachi, Darth Tyrosus, there is no difference. They're the same person. Two sides to the same coin. Just my mess of a life, and then me at my absolute worse with everything good that could hold me back smothered deep down. The Dark Side may help to create that state, but it can't bring out something you don't already have the potential to be... I always had the potential to be a monster, everyone does... I became that monster to kill one... and I can't come back... I can't..."
She put her head between her knees, and she sobbed, racking herself with loss and loss to be, hatred of herself, of Sidious, of everything, but unable to draw power from the intensity, her head hurting at the backlash, until exhaustion took her...
Author's Notes: Hmm... this chapter left me a bit uncertain, but here it is.
There were a few major points in this chapter that I wasn't sure if they should be A) this soon, B) all together at once.
1) Garen
2) Obi-Wan's warning.
3) Tyrosus. (Maybe it's to early to have that realization, IDK, or maybe its the only right moment, who knows)
I went with it though. You'll have to let me know what you think. Tyrosus and Siri's views on that matter will come up again at some point, as will Garen.
Also, Obi-Wan is calling it. It'll be a great, long while before we see if he's right or not though...
Review Responses:
1saaa: You could have chosen not to read the spoiler. :P
Guess 1: Wrong. Siri won't learn Vaapad.
Guess 2: Wrong. Once Leia goes dark, she's not coming back, and she's going to be really, scarily dark.
Guess 3: Wrong. Closer, but... wrong on a key point, several really. Can't reveal to much again so soon though.
:D
I have certain future points of the story planned out, (and depending on what I do during the Yuuzhan Vong War, either a sequel, or a tragic end) just not quite the journey getting there; and whether or not the journey changes how the future will be shaped.
SwordOfTheMorning: The Jedi have her lightsaber yes, but aside from carrying it, the moment they activate it, it'll give them a jolt :P.
Nerdman3000: 'Spectacle' is one way to put it. Lets not forget Siri loathes the senate, so putting her on trial in front of them = 'Hilarity Ensues'. I was thinking of using Savage Oppress, and giving Siri another dark moment when she learns that he's Maul's brother. Komari is... a potential choice. Really unstable though, to the point where I'm not sure Sidious would bother using her. IDK. Maybe both, who knows. Jango will still be the template.
Patrick the Observer: Hmm... we'll see. I'll also actually need to watch the Clone Wars, to see what I can use/not use. There a place to do that online for free?
JimmyHall24: Consistency powers...?