XxXxX
The Phantom, Take Two
I awoke to the sound of chaos…
"Egg bombs!" the Dancing Egg shrieked as she prepared to unload on us all.
"No, don't throw those!" I cried. "They're a bugger to clean up! And they smell!"
"No, Justin!" Tad shrieked. "Those are my Neiman Marcus bars!"
I sat up and watched as Tad chased Justin around the room. Meanwhile, Mima was pestering poor Erik, who was still handcuffed to the couch.
"Ten pounds of popcorn, Erik…" she said. "Ten pounds, if you just give me a back massage!"
Don Juanita was bouncing up and down on the couch. "This is the song that never ends!"
Padme attacked her and the two began duelling with Erik's plastic light-up lightsabres.
"En garde, evil Sith lord!" Don Juanita said.
"I shall give you the privilege of a swift death!" Padme declared.
After some time, Mima left Erik alone and Elly made herself comfortable next to him.
"So, how did you pay for the torture chamber?" she asked sweetly.
"I sold Angel's provincial coin collection on E-Bay."
I growled. So that's where my coins went!
"So why do you need a torture chamber just to write a fanfic?" she continued. "I mean, like, you're supposed to be a genius and all, shouldn't you be able to just come up with this stuff?"
"My dear," Erik said, "I may have quite the imagination, but even a genius likes to put his ideas to the test before writing them down… And it's just so much fun!"
"Say!" her eyes brightened. "Remember that torture song I wrote in Angel's last fic? That was fun!" She burst into song. "In the great opera house there is an old torture chamber. Oh, such a sweet chamber. Where Raoul and Carlotta suffer. So let the torture begin! So let Carlotta be the first to suffer and see how Erik smiles as he nails her to the wall. Oh, let them suffer. Oh how Erik laughs when he does unspeakable things to her. Over and over. Now the little Raoul screams as he watches and is cut and beat and whipped to Erik's desire. Oh, let them suffer. Oh how Erik smiles while the fop screams! Now it's time. The back drop falls and hits its mark on Carlotta's head. And the chandelier falls on Raoul. And this my friends makes Erik a very happy man."
I love that song!
The Dancing Egg ran up to Erik and giggled as she saw that he was still restrained. "Ewik, I think someone needs a spanking!"
"Ack!" he cried. I've never seen Erik look more nervous in my life. "Get away from me! Bad rabid phan! Bad!"
Suddenly, Alateriel was at my side. "Angel? Do you have a b/f?"
"A what?" I asked, furrowing my brow.
"A b/f. A boyfriend?"
"Yeah. Why?"
"Oh," she looked disappointed. "There's these guys in my youth group who say they really like Canadians and wanted me to hook you up with them… I mean, I don't know why they like you guys so much, it's not like Canadian girls are any smarter or any prettier or any more interesting than any other girls, but they sounded like they really wanted to meet you, so I told them I'd find out if you were single."
Then Tad came over. "Oh, Angel? I went home to check up on my Boys from Troy and Achilles was sulking and he won't tell me why… Any ideas on how to cheer him up?"
I rubbed my tired eyes. "How about clodhoppers? They'll fix anything."
I looked around. It seemed that MJ, Phantasy, Babe, the General, Haley, and Michelle had all disappeared. In their places were GerrysISUChick04, RowenaIsolde, Me and My Shadow, Spinner of Shadows, Lonemutant, Robika, XadenX, HikariAngel426, and some strange looking girl I had never met before.
"Who are you?" I demanded.
"And I wuz like o.0," she replied.
"That's nice," I said patiently. "Now who are you?"
"And I wuz like o.0!"
"I really don't care!" I said, frustrated. "What is your name?"
"And I wuz like o.0!" she said again.
I sighed. "Urrgh! Since you won't give me a straight answer, we'll just have to call you Jane Doe! Is that cool with you?"
She looked confused, but nodded her head.
"Ooh, Angel!" Invaderoperaghost cried. "You're awake!"
"Now we can watch the rest of the movie!" Mrs. Butler beamed as she popped the DVD into the drive and sat down next to Erik.
I sighed, taking a seat in front of the TV as we picked up at Act Two.
Justin laughed. "Andre's a chicken!"
"I think we all knew that already, Monsieur," Erik mumbled.
"They all think you're gone for good?" the Dancing Egg said. She shook her head. "Celebrating about it and everything… Wow, they jinxed it big time!"
"Hey, how come Christine is wearing pink when everyone else is wearing black, white, and gold?" Sari asked. "She is totally screwing up the colour scheme!"
"And she's engaged to the fop!" Mrs. Malfoy noted.
"Hey, look!" Tad said. "All the maids and servants are stealing the booze! And the midget's looking up that lady's dress!"
"Ew!" Marianne-Abe said. "Now Christine's kissing the fop again!"
Elly cocked her head. "You'd think these people all got together before the masquerade and rehearsed that little staircase-dance… Or maybe they're all just really good at coordinating!"
"The theme music!" VagrantCandy cried. "It's him!"
Estelle squinted her eyes. "Who's the hot guy in the red velvet? He must be evil."
Erik rolled his eyes. "It's me!"
"Hey," Darklady piped up. "Your costume clashes with the colour scheme, too! You and Christine were made for each other!"
Mima grinned. "When they were filming this movie, this is the part where some 90-year-old grandmother stared at Gerry and said, 'Oh wow, I'd drop my knickers for him!'"
Erik grimaced. "Ew."
"Hey, it's like a musical staircase!" Chick said.
"Did anybody notice that Raoul just left Christine alone with her homicidal sociopathic stalker?" Rowena asked.
"Aww, look at poor Erik," the girl whom I named Jane said. "He looks so sad. Who could resist those puppy eyes?"
"Ah, the fop finally returns," Erik said. "Hey, wait a minute! Those people standing up in the balcony aren't real! They're all dummies!"
Shadow raised an eyebrow. "Erik, you seemed to fumble around a bit with that ring, there."
"I think you have possession issues," Spinner added.
"Ack!" Lonemutant said. "Erik burnt up!"
"No!" Robika said. "It's the torture-chamber!"
"What, did you expect the fop to hang himself by appointment?" Aden asked Erik. "He may be stupid, but I doubt he's that stupid!"
Erik shrugged. "I had kind of hoped that he would accidentally walk into it."
"Now Madame is telling Raoul all about the Phantom!" the Dancing Egg exclaimed. "Aww… Look at the Phantom! He's so cute! I just want to hug him! Yeah, go Little Phantom! Strangle that Gypsy jerk!"
Alateriel raised an eyebrow. "So Madame Giry sees a nine-year-old kid choke the life out of full-grown man, and the first thing she thinks is, 'Oh, I'm going to bring him home with me…'? And she wonders why the Opera Populaire is going to Hell in a hand-basket!"
"There's old Raoul again!" Invaderoperaghost exclaimed. "Hey, what's up with the caribou?"
Erik smirked. "The fop fell asleep guarding Christine's room. Such bravery!"
"Why is she wearing such a low-cut dress to visit her father's grave?" Mrs. Butler asked.
Erik shrugged. "You know what they say… If you got it, flaunt it!"
"Hey!" Justin cried. "She stole those roses!"
"Oh, no!" Hikari said. "Someone's knocked out the poor carriage driver. And now there's a creepy man hiding one side of his face sitting in the driver's seat. I wonder who he is?"
Erik rolled his eyes. "I don't believe this!"
"Erik?" Sari said. "If you've been living under an opera house your whole life, how did you manage to drive a carriage without Christine giving you so much as directions on how to get to the cemetery?"
"Genius," was all Erik said.
"Wow, that's a big cemetery," Mrs. Malfoy commented. "Lot's of dead people. I wonder what the crime rate was in Paris at that time? I'll bet half of them were murdered!"
"Hey!" Tad said. "Erik's singing from the mausoleum!"
"Cool!" Marianne-Abe said. "How'd you make the lights go on and the door open like that?"
"Oh, no!" Elly cried. "It's the fop!"
"Riding to the rescue upon a white horse," Erik muttered. "The pansy!"
"Hey, it's a fight!" VagrantCandy cried.
Don Juanita jumped to her feet. "Le gasp! I want to be Erik!" She picked up one of the plastic lightsabres. "I shall kill the fop!"
"Ooh, let me play the fop!" Padme said as she grabbed the other lightsabre. "How dare you try to seduce my girlfriend, you sexy fiend!"
Padme and Don Juanita duelled as Erik gawked at the TV screen.
"I missed him!" he cried. "How could I miss him? He was lying on the ground!"
"I shall kill you for being so foppish!" Don Juanita said.
"No!" Padme countered. "I shall kill you, therefore I will not have to worry about you returning in later fanfiction to steal Christine back after I become a homosexual with my brother!"
"I missed him again!" Erik cried. "This man they have playing me has lousy aim!"
Patrick Wilson knocked Gerard Butler to the ground and kicked his sword out of his grasp.
"Hey!" Erik cried. "He cheated! He stepped on my hand! Figures the fop would have to cheat to win!"
"Look, Erik," Estelle said. "They're plotting against you."
"As if I can't hear every word they're saying!" Erik muttered.
"It's you again!" Darklady said. "And in the sexy Don Juan trousers!"
"Say, how many wigs do you need?" Mima asked, noticing all the dummy heads and wigs sitting on the desk.
"You just set your doll house on fire!" Chick cried. "Why did you do that?"
"Foreboding, dear," Erik replied. "And I'm a pyromaniac."
"Oh, so that's why you have so many candles!" Rowena said.
Jane sighed. "There's Piangi. He's a sucky singer."
"And now Erik's gonna kill him!" Shadow grinned.
"Say," Spinner said. "Didn't anybody notice that Piangi suddenly got thinner? And taller? And younger? And sexier? And he sings better, too?"
"And lacks all the excessive eye make-up," Erik added dryly.
"Ooh, Erik!" Lonemutant said. "You're getting a little handsy with Christine now, aren't you? Bad phantom!"
"Hey, she wanted it!" Erik insisted. "Look! She's practically undressing herself!"
"She is?" Justin asked, looking a little too happy for my taste.
"Hey, Erik?" Robika asked. "Where'd that bump on your forehead come from? And why does your hair look so synthetic all of a sudden?"
"Look, the fop's gonna cry!" Aden smirked.
"No!" Alateriel cried. "She unmasked him in front of everyone! That's cold!"
"Not as cold as that," Invaderoperaghost said as Gerik cut the rope suspending the chandelier and dropped through the stage with Emmy.
"Ooh, there you are again, Erik!" Mrs. Butler exclaimed. "And may say that your bum looks very nice in those trousers… Mm-mm-mm… Very nice…"
Erik rolled his eyes. "Hmm… Mr. Butler's Scottish accent certainly shows through when he's angry…"
I shrugged. "My boyfriend thought he sounded Russian in this scene…"
"No!" Hikari cried. "Don Juan is burning! It's burning!"
"It's alright, dear," Erik said. "I keep a spare, just in case."
"Oh," she breathed. "Good."
Erik smirked. "Hehe… the fop is drowning… drowning…"
"Hey, isn't that the fop's ring you're holding?" Sari asked.
"What?" Erik said. "Oh, no! That is totally wrong! I had my own ring! I did! I nice one, too. Not big and gaudy like that piece of junk!"
"Yet you're standing there holding his ring and Christine is in a wedding dress," Mrs. Malfoy observed.
"Ew," Tad said. "Why are you looking at her like she's a piece of meat?"
"Say, did anyone else notice that Christine's wedding veil disappeared for a minute, there?" Robika asked.
"Hey, I love Christine's French manicure!" the Dancing Egg exclaimed. "I wonder where she got it done?"
"Grr, the fop is back!" Erik growled.
"The idiot," Elly muttered. "He just walked straight into a trap. Never trust an enemy who willingly let's you into his home and acts like a perfect gentleman! He didn't even keep his hand at the level of his eyes!"
"Tsk, tsk, Erik," VagrantCandy said, shaking her head. "That's pretty cold. You've kind of given her a lose-lose situation."
"Ooh," Estelle giggled. "I like it when you make the fop choke!"
"Yes, I find it a rather amusing way to pass the time," Erik smirked.
"Oh, she's kissing you!" Darklady smiled. "That's so romantic!"
"Aww, you're crying," Mima said. "Poor Ewik… The nasty wittle girl made you cwy…"
"First of all," Erik said, "stop speaking to me in baby talk. Second of all, I was not really upset! I was picking up girls! Girls always latch on the sentimental ones! And look what it got me! A closet full of rabid, squealing girls! Look! I broke up with her! I told her to beat it! It was me! I broke up with Christine! Oh, she begged me to take her back, but I wouldn't hear anything of it! I am quite content without her!"
"Wow," Chick said. "It must have been a real stab in the back for them to hug like that right in front of you."
Erik stared at the screen. He was pouting! Of all things! "They could have saved it until after they left… But, nooooo! They just had to kick me while I was down!"
Rowena wrinkled her nose. "Ew, where'd that ugly monkey music box come from, anyway?"
"Hey, don't call it ugly!" Erik protested. "I made it!"
"Ooh, Christine came back!" Jane exclaimed. "Maybe she changed her mind!"
"Christine, I love you…" Butler sang.
"Awww!" all the girls in the closet swooned.
Emmy walked over and put her ring in Gerry's hand.
"Maybe not," Shadow shrugged.
"Shot down!" Spinner cried.
"Burn!" Lonemutant added.
"Hah!" Erik said harshly. "The fop couldn't steer that boat if his life depended on it!"
"Erik, I think it's time you admitted that you have anger issues," Aden said. "Look! You're breaking all those nice mirrors!"
"That's seven years of bad luck!" Alateriel added.
"Fourteen… Twenty-one…" Invaderoperaghost counted.
"Ooh!" Mrs. Butler giggled. "I saw his bum again!" Then she leaned forward in her seat and muttered to herself. "A nipple… Please… Let me see a nipple!"
Erik slid as far away from the rabid phan as his restraints would allow.
"Cool!" Justin exclaimed. "A secret escape! I need one of those in my room!"
"Hey!" Hikari exclaimed. "Meg's wearing trousers! Scandalous!"
"Hey, she stole Erik's mask!" Sari exclaimed. "Thief! Thief!"
"Although," Mrs. Malfoy said, "it does leave room for a future ErikMeg fic."
"Hey," Tad said. "Old Raoul is giving dead Christine the monkey music box. What, like, 'Hey, honey! Here's a present from your old stalker'?"
"Look!" Marianne-Abe exclaimed. "It's a rose! With a black ribbon! And a ring!"
"That's so sad!" Elly said as she wiped a tear from her eye.
The screen faded to black as the movie ended.
"Let's watch it again!" VagrantCandy said eagerly.
Erik looked horrified. "No!" he yelled, straining at the handcuffs. "I need to get out of here! Now!"