Angel: Hey, all! Sorry this chapter took so long coming. I have therefore appeased you all with a seventeen-page chapter. I hate writer's block! I've never had one before, and it totally sucks!
Erik: You totally suck!
Angel: (sticks tongue out) Your music totally sucks!
Erik: You don't mean that…
Angel: (dreamy sigh) No, you're right… I love your music… Anyhoo, the rating's been bumped up to a T for some mildly offensive material in this chapter.
Erik: Ooh, naughty Angel!
Angel: Thanks goes out to everyone who sent such wonderful ideas to me. I loved them all! Even if they aren't used in this chapter, I still have everything written down and I might use them later.
Erik: Is this fic ever going to end? Are we ever gonna get out?
Angel: NEVER! Muhehehe!
Erik: I am very scared…
Disclaimer: I don't own the Phantom of the Opera, Michael Crawford, Monty Python, Leroux, Pirates of the Caribbean, Dracula, Les Miserables, Three Dead Trolls in a Baggie, Lord of the Rings, Tomb Raider, Andrew Lloyd Webber, Star Trek, the Boys from Troy, or Tim Horton's coffee… or anything else that may be included in this chapter…
Enjoy!
XxXxX
Count Erik?
"You're crazy!" Erik cried at Sophie, who was still twirling her bolkin. "I'll cut you in half before you can blink!"
"Oh, you think so much better just 'cause you're a guy!" the Hair accused. "Chauvinistic pig!"
"I could take him!" DarkSilverMaiden cried. "I'll give him a roundhouse kick to the side of the head! Then I'll give him so many lefts, he'll be begging for a right!" Then she smiled. "Though currently I am too entranced by his nearly-nude form to focus on causing pain."
"Ah! Not Erik naked!" Alateriel shrieked. "Ah! My eyes! My virgin eyes!"
"Ah!" Skibby shrieked, not in horror but in delight. "Naked Erik!" She poised to pounce on him.
"Ack!" Erik held up his bolkin to defend himself. "If you're going to glomp, at least wait until I'm fully dressed!"
"Ah-ha, so you accept my challenge!" Sophie cried triumphantly.
"What?" Erik looked confused. "No, I didn't! I didn't!"
"Oh! A duel!" Skibby cried. "Can I be the commentator?" She produced a toy microphone and speaker from under one of the couch cushions.
Robika grabbed the mic from her. "I want to commentate too!" She put on her best commentator voice. "Today's match, it's Erik Lirit Panthea Arion Deven Canta Lyra Amma versus Sophie Vulpes Zorra Loco Amena Karla Heloise!"
"Hey!" Erik cried. "How'd you know my full name?"
"You know, I think this duel might be going somewhere," VagrantCandy said. "Lets all place bets! My money's on Sophie!"
KZ took the mic next. "Even in his boxers and wigless, Erik knows he must battle Sophie, for he loves Mozart dearly, and the sooner he gets it over with, the sooner he can search for his clothes. Little does he know, though, that the phans have shoved his clothes through the PC monitor and into the unknown…"
"You did what?" Erik shrieked.
"She's just kidding," Skibby said. "They're right here in my… I mean… I most definitely did not steal all of your clothes to put on my Erik doll! Totally not, no way, not me, not ever, uh-uh, nope, no chance… But I'm keeping your socks!" She produced his socks and started cuddling them. "Oh, Erik's socks… You're so dark and brooding and fuzzy… Mmmm…"
"Oh, get a room, you two!" Tad said. "Or is it three, seeing as there are two socks? Or do you consider a pair of socks as one object? Is that politically correct? Hmm…"
Tad was left to solve the sock mystery while Skibby took the commentator mic again. "Really though, at this point, I think if Sophie sincerely wants to duel Erik, she should be offering him clothing, not Mozart. I mean, Mozart won't shield you from the unbridled sexual frenzy of a bunch of rabid phangirls. Unless, of course, it's steel-reinforced Mozart. In that case, it would have defensive potential…"
Padme appeared at that moment and took the mic from Skibby. "I have your clothes, Erik!" she cried. "And I'll sell them on E-bay if you don't give me a kiss!"
Erik made a face. "Bloody phan-tarts…"
"Oh, guess what guys!" Skibby cried, taking the mic again. "I gnawed on Erik! Muhehehe! I'm never brushing my teeth again!"
"Ew, that's gross!" Erik said, making a face. "You are excruciating! Be quiet!"
Skibby hung upside down off of the couch and grinned. "I like it when you use big words like 'excruciating!' But don't worry, Erik. I only gnaw on people out of affection."
"Can I get a glomp in?" Echo asked with puppy eyes.
"No!" Erik practically bit her head off.
"What if I gave you Phantom brownies?" Echo asked.
While Erik was distracted, Sophie took her chance to attack. "Have at you!" She ran after Erik with her bolkin.
Padme stuck out her foot and tripped Sophie, sending the girl flat on her face before she could reach Erik. "Sorry, friend," she said. "I just couldn't let you take Erik down like that. It would have been so sad to see Erik get his butt whooped by a girl. And, being the insane Sith that I am, I cannot help but interfere and wreck everything…"
Sophie pouted as she got to her feet. "No fair!" She suddenly produced a real sword. "Time to even the odds!"
"Hey!" Erik cried. "Put that down! You don't have a clue how to use it! You'll put someone's eye out!"
"Why aren't we watching Lord of the Rings?" Alateriel asked. "Their sword fights are so much better than the very fast one that just took place because Erik can easily beat Sophie even if they are using two flimsy excuses for swords. Nothing like the big, broad manly swords that Aragorn, Legolas, Eomer, Theoden, Theodred, Dernhelm, and all those other handsome and wonderful men use…" She trailed off as she got a dreamy look in her eye.
Upon hearing what Alateriel said about Sophie, Elly pulled a sword from nowhere, ""How dare you say such things about my creation!' Elly lunged at Alateriel in a attempt to strike her down where she stood, but was stopped not only by Sophie but by another Erik wearing the Red Death outfit from the movie.
"El' I can't let you kill her," cried Sophie.
"She is right ma petite," said the Red Death Erik. "We can't allow you to shed blood, besides you know how she gets." Red Death was now looking at my Erik. "Sophie, can you hold her for a moment?"
"Yeah… Why?"
"Because any Erik standing there in nothing but a blanket is just disgraceful." He handed Elly over to Sophie and walked to my PC where he reached in and produced some clothes for Erik. "Now please dress yourself."
"I actually kind of like it," the Hair said. "It looks almost like a kilt!" She giggled. "Go man-skirt!"
"Hey!" the Dancing Egg suddenly piped up. "That'sth my fuzzy bwankie! Gimme!"
With a flick of her wrist, the Dancing Egg removed the blanket from Erik's waist, leaving him in nothing but his Phantom of the Opera boxers.
"Oh, wow," Red Death said. "I didn't know we had that kind of merchandise…" He turned around and saw all the phan girls staring at him. "What?"
"I don't think any of us have ever seen two Eriks at once," WanderingTeen said. "Exactly who are you?"
"I'm Elly's Erik," he said, looking around the closet. "Elly, is this where you go when you're mad at me? Where are we? Who are you people?"
While Sophie was busy paying attention to Alateriel, Erik took the opportunity to grab the sword from her hand. "Little girls shouldn't play with sharp objects!"
"Hey!" Sophie shrieked. "That's mine! Give it back! Give it!"
Erik dropped the sword and grabbed Sophie's wrists as she started throwing her fists wildly.
"(INSERT EXPLICIT TEXT HERE) you big, mean jerk!" Sophie screamed. "(INSERT EXPLICIT TEXT HERE) you!"
"Such language does not befit a young lady," Erik chided her.
They were momentarily interrupted when my PC suddenly sprang to life, smoking and glowing. Hayley Macrae jumped through the monitor. She had a big black fedora in her hands.
"Erik!" Hayley cried. She ran up to him and fell on her knees, holding up the hat. "A gift for you, stolen from the very head of Merik himself!"
"Who's Merik?" I asked, still restrained to the Chair of Impending Doom. Before Hayley could respond, a terrible, angry voice shouted from my PC.
"Miss Macrae!"
Hayley turned white. "Oh, no! He's followed me! If he asks, you didn't see me!" She dove behind the couch and hid.
Seconds later, a man dressed all in black with a swishy black cape came flying through my PC. When he lifted his head, I could see he was wearing a white mask that covered one half of his face.
"Ohmigosh!" I cried. "It's Michael Crawford!"
Michael glared at me. "I prefer Merik, thank you!" He had a really cool English accent. He glanced around the cramped room, at the many phangirls. His eyes rested on Erik, who was wearing nothing but his mask and his boxers, still grasping Sophie by the wrists.
"'Ello daffy French phans!" Merik said. "And Monsieur Erik Phantom, who has the brain of a duck!"
Erik was about to retort when Sophie suddenly cried out. "Oh, thank goodness you're here! Help! He's repressing me! Look! Look! It's obvious he's repressing me! You see him repressing me? You see it, don't you?"
Erik threw her wrists down. "You're impossible!"
Merik glared at Erik. "You dare to treat an innocent young woman so rudely?"
Erik shrugged. "Sure… If, by 'innocent,' you mean 'intolerable' and 'insufferable!'"
"You are a tyrant!" Merik pointed an accusing finger at him. "I should remove your great empty noggin from your cowardly shoulders!"
"Surely you must understand!" Erik tried to reason with him. "You're Michael Crawford! Women from all over the world are painfully obsessed with you! You must be able to sympathize with me!"
"Of course not!" Merik cried. "You are French type!"
"Not me," Red Death put in. "I'm Scottish."
"What are you, then?" Erik asked Merik.
"I'm English!" Merik cried. "Look at this elegant face and you should recognize I'm English. Why do you think I have this outrageous accent, you silly Phantom? What a stuuuuupid Phantom!"
"If you're British, what are you doing in Canada?" Mrs. Malfoy asked.
"Mind your own business!" Merik snapped.
"And you say I'm rude," Erik muttered.
"You don't frighten me, French pig-dog!" Merik said boldly. "Go and boil your bottom, you son of a silly person!" Merik grabbed Sophie's sword from the floor and pointed its end at Erik. "I'll chop off your head, French pig! If you come any closer, I will throw my runny nose at you, you great idiot with a great empty head!"
Erik glanced at me. "What a strange person…"
Merik turned his nose up. "I don't want to talk to you anymore, you empty-headed animal food-trough wiper! Talking with an idiot makes me an idiot, too." He glared at Erik. "I fart in your general direction! I can almost guess how you've grown up, what type of parents you have. I can see it clearly when I'm looking at you. Your mother was a hamster, and your father smelt of elderberries! Now leave this place, or I shall taunt you a second time!"
"But this is my closet!" Erik exclaimed.
"Yeah," Skibby agreed. "And besides, we're stuck in here! Say, you know what the impermeable outer wall reminds me of? This one episode of Star Trek I once watched. Captain Kirk had to bust into a super important control room of some kind, but the door was sealed, and was impenetrable, for security reasons or some such thing. So they had to cut through the wall next to it with their super high tech lasers! You know the episode I'm talking about, right? You know, 'We're almost there, Captain Kirk! Only an inch or so of cardboard left to dematerialize!'" She started giggling.
"What are these lasers of which you speak?" Merik asked. "Your nonsensical remarks are annoying! Be quiet!"
"I demand that you go back through that PC to wherever it is you came from at once!" Erik shouted at Merik.
"No chance, you French bed-wetting type!" Merik countered. "I burst my pimples at you and call your closet-escaping attempts a silly thing. You exit through that PC, you illegitimate-faced bugger man! If you think you got a nasty taunting this time, you ain't heard nothing yet, daffy French Phantom!"
The ferocity of Merik's taunting had taken Erik completely by surprise. He was convinced that a new strategy was required if he were to get Merik out of the closet without losing his sanity.
Erik threw down his bolkin and picked up his real sword from behind the couch. "I challenge you to a duel," he said.
"Then you shall die," Merik said boldly, gripping his own weapon. "You and all your silly French 'phans!' Victory shall be mine!"
The two Phantoms lunged at each other. After trading a few jabs and thrusts, Erik raised his sword and brought it down, easily severing one of Merik's arms.
"Eek!" Shadow cried. "He's bleeding! What're we gonna do? What're we gonna do?" She promptly passed out.
"Now leave this place, worthy adversary," Erik said.
"Tis but a scratch," Merik shrugged.
"A scratch?" Red Death said incredulously. "Your arm's off!"
"No it isn't," Merik retorted, pretending not to notice.
"What's that, then?" Erik asked, pointing at Merik's severed arm, which lay bleeding on the floor.
Merik shrugged again. "I've had worse."
"You liar!" Erik cried.
"Come on, you pansy!" Merik lunged again. "This one is for your mother!"
A few more minutes of one-handed dueling, and Erik severed Merik's other arm.
"Ha!" Erik laughed. "You are un-armed! Victory is mine!" Erik bent down to pick up Merik's severed arms. "Now if you will kindly take these and go, I would be most – ow!" Erik stumbled over as Merik kicked him in the side of the head.
"Come on, then!" Merik goaded him, kicking him again. "I blow my nose at you, so-called Opera Ghost!"
"What?" Erik cried.
"Have at you!" Merik shouted.
"You are indeed brave, good Monsieur," Erik admitted. "But the fight is mine!"
"Oh, had enough, eh?" Merik taunted. "You'd better withdraw before it's too late and go scavange for food in a rubbish heap!"
"Look, you stupid bastard!" Erik yelled. "You've got no arms left!"
"Yes, I have!" Merik insisted.
"Look!" Erik held up the severed arms.
"It's just a flesh wound," Merik cast it off, kicking Erik again.
"Stop that!" Erik protested.
"Chicken!" Merik laughed. "I once more unclog my nose in your direction, you son of a window dresser!"
"I'll have your leg!" Erik cried. "Right!" One swipe of Erik's sword severed Merik's right leg.
"I'll do you for that!" Merik growled, hopping about.
"You'll what?" Erik said incredulously.
"Come here!" Merik hopped around, trying to head-butt Erik. "You tiny-brained wiper of other people's bottoms!"
"What are you going to do?" Erik asked sarcastically. "Bleed on me?"
"I'm invincible!" Merik laughed manically.
Erik rolled his eyes. "You're a loony."
"The Phantom of the Opera always triumphs!" Merik proclaimed. "Have at you! Come on, then! I wave my private parts at your auntie, you cheesy secondhand electric-donkey bottom biter!"
Erik sighed and lashed out with his blade, cutting off Merik's other leg. Merik lay on the floor pathetically, a bleeding torso. He tried to roll over, sit up, and wriggle across the floor, but found he couldn't. He was in a bad situation, and he knew it. Merik looked up at Erik, who stood frowning down at him.
"Alright," Merik said dejectedly. "We'll call it a draw."
"You idiot," Erik muttered. He turned to the phan-girls. "Get this mess out of here! Red, where are those clothes?"
"Oh, oh, I see," Merik said as the non-Crawford phans picked up his torso and his limbs and started hauling him over the the PC. "Running away, eh? Sending your little phans to take care of me, eh? You yellow bastard! Come back here and take what's coming to you! I'll bite your legs off! I'll fire arrows into the top of your tiny head and make castanets out of your testicles!"
"Oh, shut up!" Mrs. Butler hit him in the side of the head before shoving him through the PC monitor. Then she sidled over to Red Death. "So, you're really Gerard Butler?"
"Um…" Red Death took a step back from Mrs. Butler, who was practically drooling on him.
"I love you, Gerry!" Then she glomped him.
Erik stumbled out of his makeshift change room inside the pantry. "Red, you call these clothes?" he cried. "I feel like a buffoon!"
Everyone stopped and looked at Erik's new attire. He was wearing skin-tight black trousers and sexy boots, along with a poet's shirt that was open at the chest. He even had a new wig, which was jet black and absolutely perfect, without a hair out of place.
Basically, he looked like he just stepped out of the 2004 movie…
MTL smiled dreamily. "Marry me, Erik…"
"Ew, Erik!" I cried. "No more wearing open shirts until you shave your chest! Or at least comb it!"
Erik crossed his arms in front of his chest, his normally pale skin tinted a shade of red.
"Ooh!" Carla squealed. "Erik just got a makeover!" Then her eyes brightened. "The whole closet should get a makeover! Erik, will you pretty, pretty please with dead-Raoul on top let us paint the closet? Oh, and decorate it too! It'll be so much fun!"
Erik rolled his eyes. "Oh, brother…"
"We could even sing a song about it!" She cleared her throat. "Grab your brushes and your rollers, all you kids and all you… boulders! We're going paintin' today!"
"Give it up," Erik said. "We're not redoing this closet… I just got everything where I like it!"
Carla pouted. "If you don't say yes, there'll be another verse with scented candles! And I'll paint the closet pink!"
"Ew!" the Hair cried. "I hate pink!"
"Can I come out of the Chair yet?" I asked.
"No!" Erik snapped. "Not until you're writhing in pain and agony!"
Alateriel walked over to me. "I hope you know that Chinese water torture has a strange tendency to make people wet their pants." She shrugged. "Just thought you'd like to know."
Then another girl appeared, who kind of reminded me of a slightly possessed but nevertheless cute fluffy bunny. She stood beside Alateriel.
"I love torture!" she exclaimed. "Just not the icky bloody pulp fiction kind."
"Who are you?" I asked.
"I'm Jessie," she said. "I'm friends with Justin, the Hair, and Carla!" She smiled really wide. "Yay for bitter opera geniuses!" She looked around. "Where is Erik, anyway?"
"Over there, by the PC," SongBirdsGirl said.
"What are you doing?" Estelle asked him.
"Erik is on a quest to prove he really existed," KZ said dully.
"It's true!" Erik insisted, picking up a copy of Leroux's Fantôme du l'Opéra. "Leroux says so in the very fist paragraph! Here, let me translate it for you… 'The Opera Ghost really existed. He was not, as was long believed, a creature of the imagination of the artists, the superstition of the managers, or a product of the absurd and impressionable brains of the young ladies of the ballet, their mothers, the box-keepers, the cloak-room attendants or the concierge. Yes, he existed in flesh and blood, although he assumed the complete appearance of a real phantom; that is to say, of a spectral shade.'" Erik closed the book. "Now tell me, why would Monsieur Leroux write such a thing if it were not true?"
"To screw with your mind?" Spinner suggested.
Erik scowled and turned back to the computer. "Look at what I found… The name Christine Daaé was fabricated, but there was a woman Leroux probably fashioned her from – Christine Nilsson! The similarities between the two women are uncanny! Christine Daaé was raised in Skotelof, Sweden, and Christine Nilsson was raised in Skatelöv, Sweden. Both of their fathers sang in the church, both traveled with their fathers as children, both sang for money at fairs… Christine Daaé was discovered at the Limby fair and Christine Nilsson at the Ljungby fair… Christine Daaé was discovered and trained by a Professor Valerius while Christine Nilsson was trained by Adelaide Valerius-Leuhusen. Both teachers took both girls to live in Gothenburg with them and both married a count and became a countess! Now, are you trying to tell me that is purely coincidence?"
"So Leroux met a pretty girl one day and decided to put her in his book," Carla said. "That doesn't mean the story is real."
"Just wait!" Erik said. "There's more! Both Christines played in Faust as Marguerite. Both played in Hamlet as Ophelia. Both played in The Magic Flute as the Queen of the Night. Christine Daaé was, indeed, Christine Nilsson! Now, another character in the book is that idiotic diva opera singer, Carlotta. She was Christine's rival. Christine Nilsson had many rivals, but one in particular was a woman named Marie Miolan-Carvalho. She was thought of as lightly gifted… if that. However, her determination to succeed kept her in the game. And when she was young, her beauty was all that she needed to get her whatever she wanted."
"How interesting…" SongBirdsGirl said as she stole some of Erik's popcorn and popped it into her mouth.
"There was also a woman named Rosa Carron who seems just a bit like that annoying diva… In the book, when the chandelier fell, a concierge who had just been appointed to take Madame Giry's job was killed. In Carron's case, the entire chandelier did not fall – only a counterweight off of it. It fell and killed a concierge who was scheduled to take the place of a senior one! Another big time rival of Christine Nilsson was Adelina Patty, who was not very fond of Christine whatsoever. Critics at the time continually criticized Adelina about her inability to sing as high or as gracefully as Christine."
Mrs. Malfoy yawned and stuggled to keep her eyes open. "I really didn't come here for a history lesson…"
"Now look at this…" Erik gestured at the computer screen. "Raoul was the brother of a Count François de Carpentier. He had another brother named Hubert. But Raoul died shortly after birth." Erik snorted. "Hehe… Dead Raoul… Anyways, further down the line, we find that one Philippe de Chagny, Count François's cousin, also had a younger brother named Hubert. So Leroux probably substituted the name of the deceased uncle, Raoul, for that of Hubert, since both names were so closely related from the beginning of the Carpentier de Chagny line."
"I think you're reaching, Erik," Padme said.
"There's more!" Erik insisted. "Count François had a son, Raoul's nephew. His name was…" Erik suddenly stopped, the colour draining from his face. "H-his name… was…"
KZ glanced over his shoulder at the computer screen.
"His name was Erik!"
"You're related to the fop?" Jessie squealed.
"Raoul's your uncle!"
Estelle grinned. "Erik de Chagny!"
Erik was too shocked to read on, so KZ did. "Erik was de Carpentier's only son, so when his father died, Erik became Count de Chagny!"
"Count Erik!" Mima giggled.
Then, amidst the taunting, a single voice broke through the chatter. This voice belonged to Robika. She was singing.
"I love you! I love you! I love everything about you dear, and I swear it's true, I love you! I love you! I love you! I love everything about you, baby, and maybe it's true, I love–" Everyone just kind of shut up and listened to her.
"So does everyone else here," Erik said. "What makes you so special?"
Robi pulled her earphones out of her ears and looked around. "Sorry, was I singing out loud? I do that sometimes. I'm sorry." She stuck her earphones back in and mouthed along to the song silently. People gave her strange looks and then went back to their taunting.
"He's a Count!" MTL snorted.
I think Erik was slightly hurt, as he was used to being fawned over by all the rabid phan girls. But Robika wasn't even paying attention to him!
"What is wrong with the world?" Erik muttered.
"Really, Erik," I said. "I thought you'd like it if one of your phans gave you some personal space for once."
Erik glared at me. "Aren't you in pain yet?"
"Immense pain," I said through gritted teeth. "But I have an extremely high pain tolerance, as is required when you have a bad leg and are a dancer. Say, did I ever tell you about the time I danced in two shows on a twisted ankle without the benefit of a brace or tensor? It hurt a lot! But I never missed an SB show in my life, so I wasn't about to let–"
"Yes, I've heard that story a thousand times!" Erik snapped.
I stuck my tongue out at him. "You aren't even a thousand times old!"
Erik furrowed his brow. "Huh?"
"You heard me! You aren't even a thousand times old! That's what Magdalyn always tells Matt, when they're setting up the truss? Matt says, 'I've done this, like, a million times already!' And then Mags says, 'You're not even a million times old!' It was much funnier when she said it, of course, maybe because of the stupid look on Matt's face. Sometimes I still wonder if he ever got it, but–"
"What is she talking about?" Erik asked.
"Dear me," MTL said. "I think she's going insane."
"The pressure on her brain must be getting to her," Erik concurred.
"Funny, how people always thought I was insane to begin with," I continued. "Well, they should see me now! This is almost as good as sniffing glue, other than the pain of course. Not that I'd know what sniffing glue is like, as I have never done it… Well, not intentionally, anyway… When I was in grade one we always had these little school projects that involved some kind of glue, and well, you know how kids can be… But I never got a high off of it. At least, I don't think I did. Who was my first grade teacher, anyway?" I paused as I noticed that everyone was staring at me. "Hi, what are we talking about?"
"Now seems like the perfect time to put my evil plan into action," Darklady said.
"Evil plan?" I repeated. "What evil plan?"
"Well," Darklady said, "seeing as you're beginning to go insane from the Chinese water torture, my only conclusion is that you will eventually die. And when you do, I'm gonna take over the closet and kick out all of the phan girls and have Erik all to myself. I've figured that this is the next best step to taking over the world. So, sorry Angel… You're my guinea pig…"
"You wanna take over my closet?" I growled. "You and what army?"
Darklady moved over to my PC. "Well, I'm sure I could summon forth an army of evil polka-dotted pigs to come to my aid." She started muttering some gibberish at the computer. I thought she was just crazy until the monitor began to smoke and glow. The room vibrated a little.
"Say 'ello to my little friends!" Darklady laughed evilly.
Then my PC vomited three men up out of its glowy depths.
"Hmmm…" Darklady furrowed her brow in confusion. "I saw that going differently in my mind."
"Forget the pigs!" Shadow exclaimed when she saw just who was in the closet with us now. "That's Will Turner and Commodore Norrington and Jack Sparrow!"
Jack looked up with a scowl. "Captain Jack Sparrow, if you please…"
"Ooooh!" Tad jumped into Will's lap. "I love you!"
"Umm…" Will looked slightly scared. "Who are you again?"
"You bloody pirate!" Norrington glared at Jack. "You slipped brandy into my tea again, didn't you? Now I'm drunk!"
"I'm afraid you're not drunk, my friend," Erik said. "This is all quite real."
"Don't even try talking to me," Norrington sneered. "You're a hallucination brought on by alcohol, Irish brandy, posioned by bootleggers!"
"I don't like that man," Red decided.
"That would make two of us," Jack muttered.
"I heard that, you bloody pirate," Norrington growled.
"It's been a pleasure Commodore," Erik said. "But now I've lost my patience with you. I'm afraid you'll have to go now. Oh, and by the way… that powdered wig looks stupid…"
Norrington looked like he was about to protest, but then both Erik and Red grabbed his arms and flung him back through the PC into the unknown.
Will looked totally awed. "How'd you do that?"
"Like this," Red said as he grabbed Will and threw him through the monitor after Norrington.
"No!" Tad cried as she burst into tears. "Why'd you do that? I was gonna marry him!"
"Oops," Red said. "My bad."
"There, there," AngelUndertheOpera, formerly Lonemutant, said consolingly as she patted Tad on the back.
Jack looked a bit worried. "I trust you have no plans on sending me after 'em, do y'mate?"
Erik shook his head. "No… you seem like a civilized human being…"
"Ooooh, Eeeeriiiik!" AUTO sing-songed as she tip-toed over to him.
"What now?" Erik asked.
"Wanna make out?"
"No."
"How come?"
Erik covered the top of his head with his hands. "Because the last time you got this friendly, you tried to set my wig on fire!"
"Oh, I'm not a pyromaniac anymore," AUTO batted her eyes. "I'm nicey-nice now!"
"I don't believe you…" Erik said, still protecting his wig.
AUTO pouted. "Oh, fine!" Then her eyes seemed to brighten as she got an idea. "Well, then… Can I have one of your cloaks?"
Erik looked suspicious. "Why?"
"Because I want to be a vampire with this guy." She reached into my PC and pulled out a man with long, curly, dark hair, black pants, black shirt, and a black trench coat.
"Don't you have any colour in your wardrobe?" I asked from my spot in the Chair.
"Oh, ma gawsh!" Tad squealed, her sorrow over losing Will Turner completely forgotten. "It's another Gerard Butler character!"
"Dracula 2000, to be precise," AUTO said with a cheeky grin.
Dracula looked around, confused and slightly frightened.
AUTO gave Erik puppy eyes. "Can I pretty please have one of your cloaks?" she begged. "I've always wanted to be a vampire with Gercula!"
Erik rolled his eyes. "Merik left his cloak behind. Use that."
AUTO wrinkled her nose. "Ew! No! That has his blood all over it from the duel!"
"Oooh, blood!" Dracula's eyes turned bright red. He scooped the cloak up off of the floor and sniffed it. "Hmmm… English male… Caucasian… I'd estimate roughly in his early sixties… He likes vodka coolers and going to the gym… He owns a Beagle-Jack Russel named Spot, third in a litter of seven…" Dracula shrugged. "Not exactly top quality… I actually prefer young females… Oh, what's this?" Dracula sniffed the cloak again, then he drew back in horror. "An actor?"
"It wasth Michael Cwawford," the Dancing Egg said. "But then Ewik chopped him up and shtuffed him thwough the compweter…"
Dracula raised an eyebrow at that.
AUTO moved over to where I was standing and whispered to me. "I actually don't really want to be a vampire with him… I'm just trying to make Erik jealous. Do you think it's working?"
Dracula dropped the cloak. "This won't do. I've made a habit of not eating celebrities. After that Valerie girl and her unbridled sexual frenzies, I made an oath – never again!"
"Wait a minute!" I cried. "You're Judas Iscariot!"
Dracula glowered at me. "I prefer not to be called by that name…"
"You betrayed Jesus!" I spat at him. "You suck!"
"Uh, oh," Erik murmured. "I forgot that Angel's Roman Catholic…"
"I should kick you where it hurts and throw an exploding Bible at you!"
Dracula looked at Erik. "Can I eat her?"
"That's probably not such a good idea," Red said. "If she dies, there will be no one left to write this fic, and then we'll all cease to exist."
Dracula shrugged as he made his way over to me. "Existence is overrated."
"Hey, you leave her alone!" the Hair stood between Dracula and me. "If you hurt her, I'll bite you!"
"And if you don't get out of my way," Dracula said, "I'll bite you!" Then he bared his freaky-looking fangs at her.
But the Hair was unaffected. She was either very brave, or very dumb. "You don't scare me!" she said defiantly. "And your breath smells like death!"
"Heh, heh… that rhymed!" WanderingTeen said. "You know? Breath? Death?"
"I could kill you for saying that!" Dracula threatened the Hair.
"So what?" the Hair countered. "I'll die someday, and it won't be mythical or magical. I'll just bite into a Twinkie and fall over!"
Dracula looked back at Erik. "Is she mocking me?"
"I don't know," Jack said. "But she's beginning to scare me."
At that precise moment, my PC began to smoke and glow violently.
"What now?" Erik said impatiently.
Then a single squirrel emerged from the monitor.
"AAAAAAAAAAHH! SQUIRREL!" Justin shrieked. He dove behind the couch.
Dracula, Jack, and Red looked at Erik. "What's his problem?" they asked in unison.
My little kitty Ginger suddenly woke from his nap on the couch when he saw the fuzzy creature appear from the PC. Stealthily, he jumped off of the couch and moved over to my desk where the little thing sat unmoving. Ginger approached it cautiously until he was mere inches away.
"BOO!" the squirrel shrieked.
Ginger jumped nearly three feet, puffing up like a puffer fish. He darted and ran behind the couch with Justin.
"Am I hearing things, or did that thing just talk?" Jack asked.
"Indeed, I spoke!" the squirrel said. "I am Vlad, the Talking Squirrel… Actually, I am not even a squirrel. I am really a rabid alien trapped in this life form. Now I am going to lead a hostile takeover of this closet."
"Dracula, eat that fuzz-ball!" Jack cried.
Dracula looked at the creature lazily. "I don't eat junk food…"
"A vampire with standards," Jack rolled his eyes as he reached for his sword. "Fine, then. I'll deal with the little bugger myself!"
"You would have to take that up with my brothers," Vlad said.
"Who are your brothers?" Red asked.
"Ghangus, Nappy, Adolph, Jason, Chucky, Attila, Kaiser… And the other two thousand that Mother couldn't think of names for…" My PC began to glow ominously.
"Uh, oh…" Opera Dove said. "This is like War of the Worlds… and I really didn't like that movie!"
"Oh, brothers!" Vlad called into the monitor. "The humans don't like you. They are a threat to our existence! ATTACK!"
Dozens of squirrels began filtering in through the PC monitor.
"Kill with extreme prejudice!" Vlad commanded his army.
"I know!" Blueflamewolf cried out. "Angel's really rabid now that she's been tortured for so long. Maybe we can use her to fight the squirrels!"
"Are you insane?" Erik demanded. "She couldn't fight a bus!"
"Well, that's the only worthwhile suggestion anyone's made!" Dracula said as he stalked over to the Chair. He easily snapped the leather straps that restrained me. "Kill!" he commanded me.
I looked at the squirrels and then back at Dracula. "Hmmm… no…"
"What?" Dracula shouted. "We're under attack! I order you to kill them!"
"I don't want to."
"I command you!"
"You're not the boss of me!" I stuck my tongue out at him. "You can't tell me what to do! And don't yell at me!"
"Hey!" Jack yelled at us. "Could you two stop your pointless arguing and bloody help us?"
Dracula and I turned to see all of the phans, plus Erik, Red, Jack, and Hollom flipping over the couch and grabbing what little furniture we had to build a barricade through the centre of the room. Hollom grabbed my PC and brought it over to 'our' side. The squirrels looked like they were ready to attack.
Dracula glared at me. "I'm gonna kill you when this is done!" With that, he grabbed me around the waist and tossed me over his shoulder.
"Hey, lemme go!" I demanded as I kicked my legs.
Dracula took a few long strides and jumped, easily clearing the barricade and landing on our side. There, he placed me (rather, dumped me) on safe ground.
"Go play in the sun!" I scoffed at him.
The phans grabbed a few more chairs and my desk to add to the barricade. Around this time, Erik thought it was the perfect time to break into song.
"Here upon these stones we will build a barricade," he sang. "In the heart of the closet we claim as our own!"
"Shut up," Jack muttered.
Spongekid took up the singing. "Do you hear the phan girls sing, singing the song of angry men? It is the music of a Phantom who will not be glomped again! When the beating of your heart echoes the beating of the drums, there is a life about to start when tomorrow comes!"
"I said shut up!" Jack said none-too-gently.
Echo joined in. "Red, the blood of angry men! Black, the dark of ages past! Red, a world about to dawn! Black, the night that ends at last!"
"I gonna throttle the next person who sings!" Jack shrieked.
"You at the barricades listen to this!" Vlad the squirrel sang out. "No one is coming to help you to fight! You're on your own, you have no friends! Give up your guns or die!"
"Damn their warnings, damn their lies!" Blue sang. "They will see the people rise!"
Jack brandished his pistol. "One more chorus and I'll kill all of you!"
"You've only got one shot," Dracula said dryly.
Jack shrugged. "I'll just need a few lucky ricochets."
"I wonder why those squirrels are here in the first place?" Hollom said. "It's almost as if something in this closet is drawing all these strange characters in through the PC."
"You!" Lux Leroux pointed an accusing finger at Hollom. "This is all your fault! You're like a Jonah, or something! We're going to have to sacrifice you to the squirrels!"
"I'm not a Jonah!" Hollom protested.
Leroux was about to make more accusations when they were interrupted by the Dancing Egg.
"Sthay 'ello to my wittle fwiends!" She started chucking eggs at the squirrels. "Egg twoupes!"
Vlad shook egg goo off of his head. "Prepare to attack whilst singing dramatically!" he commanded his army.
The squirrel army broke out into a chorus. "Watch 'em run amok! Catch 'em as they fall! Never know your luck when there's a free for all! Here a little dip, there a little touch! Most of 'em are goners so they won't miss much!"
"How uplifting," Carla said dryly.
"If only I could find a way to get my spaceship out of the computer!" Invaderoperaghost said. "That would almost be fun!"
"If only I could find a way to get my army of baby hippogriffs through the computer," Gasp added. "Along with the Giant Wooden Popsicle Stick of Ice Creamy Doom!"
"Oh, shut up!" Carla shrieked. "My caffeine levels are depleted! I need coffee in an IV! Somebody help me! AHH!"
"Sorry," I said. "We ran out of coffee, remember? I haven't been able to get down to Timmy's for another gift tin."
"Oh, that reminds me," Skibby blushed. "Snortleby told me that he was the one that ate all of the coffee. He's sorry."
We all looked at Skibby's pet chinchilla, which was currently doing the Jitterbug uncontrollably.
"Well," DarkSilverMaiden said. "For the circumstance of having no coffee, I am ashamed of you!" She waggled her finger at me. "But luckily for you, I come bearing gifts." She held up a large bag of Starbucks Specialty blend.
I rolled my eyes at her. "I wanted actual coffee…"
"Well, Tim Horton's coffee has nicotine in it!" Mask said. "I know! My mom worked there! Canada sucks. The hockey team sucks. Well, we have good coffee, right? No… What's good about Canada?"
"Ow, that hurt," Anne said. "My maple-leaf-shaped heart is broken in two… Oh, yeah, and go, Sens, go!"
"May I remind you, Jane," Erik said. "I detest hockey."
"My name isn't Jane!" she shrieked. "And my name isn't Anne anymore, either. I am now Spruce Goose Mach 2."
"Canadian hockey rules!" Padme suddenly cried. "Me like hockey! Me like hockey!"
WanderingTeen grinned. "I love that song!" She joined in. "TV soccer not that hot. You play bad, then you get shot. Me like hockey! Me like hockey! Swedish players must be geeks, 'cause they still got own real teeth!"
"Me like Sergei Federov," Spruce Goose sang. "Me like him more if head were off. Ha, ha, ha!"
"Please Mr. Linesman let the players fight," Mask sang. "Let them fight, let them fight, let them fight!"
"Friends come over, put game on," I sang. "Argue then we lay bets down. Got bag of chips and case of Bud. Should last 'til end of first period. But Yankees, they win the world cup. Me think they cheat, use glowy puck. Maybe if we want to win her, maybe we should play in winter. Me like hockey! Me like hockey!"
"Excuse me," Dracula cut in. "You may recall that we are currently under attack?"
"You humans at the barricades, listen to this!" Vlad cried from the squirrels' side of the room. "We have infected one of your own with our mind control! Surrender now!"
"Who do you think they infected?" Mrs. Malfoy wondered.
We heard a chittering sound. When we looked at the source of the noise, there was Opera Dove, scrambling around on all fours like a squirrel.
"It's a squirrel!" Justin shrieked. "Girl-squirrel! Squirrel-girl! AAAAAHHHH!" He buried his head under one of the sofa cushions.
Dracula rolled his eyes. "I have to do everything myself, don't I?" He moved over to Opera Dove.
"Wait!" Red called. "Whatever you do, you can't kill her!"
Dracula sighed. "Fine. I promise I will not kill anyone."
"Swear it!" Red said.
Dracula raised his right hand. "I swear I will not kill anyone."
"Alright, then," Red said, satisfied.
Dracula reached over and tapped Opera Dove on the top of the head. She went out like a light.
"Drac!" Red protested.
"She'll live," he muttered.
"Say, how'd you do that?" Mask asked.
"Please," Dracula rolled his eyes. "I have more strength in my pinkie-finger than you have in your arm!"
"Show-off," Invaderoperaghost muttered.
"Wait!" Mrs. Malfoy exclaimed. "I just got an idea! Oh, wow! It's such a great idea, I can't believe I thought of it!"
"Well, what is it?" Red asked.
"Just wait a second," Mrs. Malfoy said. "I've gotta take a moment… This feels really cool… having a great idea, I mean… Is this how you always feel, Angel? I mean, obviously not when you had that nasty writer's block, but still…"
"Out with it!" Dracula snapped.
Mrs. Malfoy jumped, then she proceeded to tell us what her idea was. "All these fictional characters have been showing up in the closet, right? Maybe if we use the PC, we can bring someone in here who could help us!"
"That's actually a very good idea," Erik exclaimed. He moved over to where my PC now sat on the floor and reached inside the monitor.
"A Navy Seal, perhaps?" Erik muttered as he felt around inside the screen for who-knows-what? When he finally pulled his arm out, he was holding a short, scrawny, ugly little creature by its leg.
"Eek!" Tad cried. "It's Gollum! You asked for a Navy Seal!"
"And instead I got Smeegle?" Erik dropped Gollum. Gollum looked around, confused.
"Where are we, precious?" he asked. "Where are we?" He jumped on top of Erik, knocking him to the floor, and grabbed him around the throat. "Give it to us, hobbitesses! Hobbitesses have slipped away, my precious, slipped away! Tell us where are the hobbitesses!" His grip slowly tightened on Erik's neck. Erik looked really scared.
"Hobbitesses!" Gollum cried. "Yes, my precious, hobbitesses!"
"Only one scary character is allowed in this closet," Dracula said as he grabbed Gollum by the scruff of the neck. "Please leave." With that, he tossed Gollum back through the computer.
"You just saved my life!" Erik cried, gasping for breath.
"No, I didn't," Dracula retorted.
"Yes, you did!"
"I didn't!"
"You did!"
"So what!" Dracula snapped. "I mean, it's not because I'm particularly fond of you, or anything!"
"I'll bet Dracula has a crush on Erik!" Darklady accused. "Yes! That's why he saved him!"
Dracula made a face. "Ew, no. That is just wrong on so many levels."
Darklady started singing. "I am agog! I am aghast! Is Dracula in love at last? I've never seen him ooh and aah! You talk of battles to be won, and here he comes like Don Juan! It's better than an opera!"
Dracula's eyes turned red and he bared his fangs. "If you don't shut up this instant, I will silence you forever!"
"You swore you wouldn't kill anyone," Hollom reminded him.
Dracula sighed dejectedly. "Oh, yeah…"
"Well," Erik dusted himself off. "There must be someone we can bring in to help us. Maybe I should try asking for a mercenary?"
"Good idea," the Hair said. "Mercenaries are always helpful."
Erik reached into the PC again, only this time he pulled out Terry Sheridan from Tomb Raider.
"For once I'm wrong!" the Hair cried.
"Ooh!" Darklady clapped her hands. "Yet another Gerard Butler character!"
"Where am I?" Terry asked with his cute Scottish brogue.
"Get him out of here!" the Hair cried. "I don't like him!"
Everyone, including Terry, looked at her like she was insane, which she quite possibly was.
"What are you looking at me like that for?" she asked. She pointed a finger at Terry. "Can you believe this jerk? Taking advantage of Lara for 'power?' Ooh, it makes me mad! Ack! Stupid men! Except Erik, of course." She started shoving Terry back towards the PC monitor. "Back you go!"
"Wait!" Terry cried. He started to say something, but in his fear and confusion, his Scottish accent got way heavier, and no one could really understand him as the Hair shoved him back through the PC.
"Aaaaaiiiiieeee!" Terry cried as he disappeared into the unknown.
"Did anybody catch what he said, there?" the Hair asked afterwards.
"Let's ask a true Scotsman," Erik suggested. "Red?"
Red looked up from his copy of The Daily Phantom. "Yes?" he asked.
"Did you understand what Terry said right before the Hair got rid of him?"
"Yes," Red replied, then he went back to reading his paper.
Erik waited expectantly. Red continued to read.
"Are you going to tell us what he said?" Erik asked finally.
Red looked up again. "It really made no sense at all," he said. "Something about, 'I have all your stuff the PC stole,' or something like that."
"WHAT?" Erik screamed.
"Or maybe it was, 'I have a tough and greasy pole,'" Red said. "Or 'I bathe a rough man's easy mole?' Or 'I shave a gruff bug's cheesy soul?"
"Terry had my light-sabre!" Padme cried. "We could have gotten out of here!"
"Oops!" the Hair said, blushing.
"Way to go!" Erik threw up his hands. "He was probably our only chance of getting out of here!"
The Hair crossed her arms stubbornly. "Well, I'd sooner stay in here forever than be rescued by that jerk! Come on, try again! Maybe there's someone else who can help us!"
"Yes, yes!" Mima cried. "Someone with great knowledge!"
"Someone who can understand Erik!" Spinner added.
"Someone we're not all going to glomp," VagrantCandy put in.
"Someone who isn't a complete freak," Dracula muttered.
Erik took a deep breath and reached into the monitor. "One last time… Here goes nothing…"
When Erik pulled his arm out, none of us could believe who was in his grasp.
"Andrew Lloyd Webber!" Blue exclaimed.
Andrew looked around. "Where am I? Who–?" His gaze rested on Erik. Then his eyes brightened. "Erik! Is that you?"
"You know my name?" Erik said.
"Of course I do!" Andrew exclaimed. "I created you!"
"You did not!" Erik retorted. "Gaston Leroux created me!"
Andrew rolled his eyes. "Oh, whatever… I immortalized you! Please, how many people have actually read the book? And how many of them didn't see the musical first? You can thank me for your fame…"
"Oh, yes," Erik said dryly. "Thank you so much! If you hadn't made that musical, I'd have a small apartment in Paris, with a very small circle of phan girls who would spend every waking moment analyzing my character, rather than analyzing my ass. Oh, oui Monsieur, how on earth will I ever repay you?"
Andrew shrugged. "I'm sure you'll think of something…" He turned and saw Red Death standing behind him. "Why hello, Gerry! How are you?"
With a growl, Erik tackled Andrew to the floor and started pummelling him.
"You moron!" he shouted as he pounded the older man into the floor. "Do you have any idea what you've done to me? I never get any sleep! I have no privacy! There are teenage girls everywhere with cameras trying to convince me to undress! They show up in my room in less-than-nothing lingerie! The libido level in this room is suffocating! I never get a single moment's peace! And then you go and make a movie about it with the same guy who played Angelina Jolie's lover? Are you retarded? You've ruined me! You idiot!" With that, Erik tossed him head first through the monitor.
Erik turned around and exhaled deeply. "That felt good," he said. "I've been wanting to do that for a very long time."
Blue stared at Erik with awe. "Wow, Erik," she breathed. "That was intense."
"Oh, daffy humans!" Vlad's voice called over the barricade.
"Things simply aren't improving," Hollom muttered.
We all peaked over the barricade where Vlad's army was assembled. He looked at as smugly, or at least as smug as a squirrel can look. "Are you ready to surrender now?" he asked.
"Surrender?" Erik exclaimed. "What do you take us for? Nitwits?"
Vlad shrugged. "It would be so much easier for us if you would just give up now, and let us harvest your bodies in the name of science."
"Easier for you?" Red said incredulously.
"That's ludicrous!" Hollom cried.
"You can't just come in here an' 'spect us to cooperate with y'mates," Jack added. "It is simply unreasonable."
The squirrels cried out, seemingly affected by what Jack just said.
"Don't say that word!" Vlad cried.
"What word?" Hollom asked.
"I can't say!" Vlad said irritably. "Suffice to say, the one word that our kind cannot bear to hear!"
"What is it?" Dracula asked.
"You said the word again!" Vlad cried as the other squirrels covered their ears with their tiny paws.
"What? Is?" Red asked.
"No!" Vlad growled. "You wouldn't get very far in life without saying 'is.'"
"I think they're faking it," Jack whispered to Erik.
The squirrels cried out again.
"It would be a great way to lure us into a false sense of security," Erik admitted.
The squirrels writhed on the floor, covering their ears and making horrible noises.
"I think they're carrying it a bit too far, though," Dracula said.
"Stop saying the word!" Vlad shrieked.
"Oh, stop it!" Dracula shouted at them.
"He said it again!" Vlad cried. "Wait! I said it! I just said it! I said it again! That's three 'its!'"
"Zhey're monsters!" one of the other squirrels (I think it was Adolph) cried out. "Let us flee zhis terrible place! Run away!"
The squirrels piled into the computer monitor, until not one was left in the room. Cinnamon tried to follow after them, but I scooped her up first.
"No, no, little one," I said. "You stay here with mummy and Uncle Erik."
"I'm not that little monster's uncle," Erik muttered.
"Oh, but Erik," I said. "Little Cinnamon-Stix loves you!" I held her up to him. "Say 'hello!'"
Cinnamon hissed at him.
Erik rolled his eyes.
Mima crawled over the barricade. "That's it!" she cried. "We're going to have a talent show right now!"
"Why?" Erik asked dully.
"Because," she said, "I've wanted to have one for the last three chapters. This closet needs some comic relief, and talent shows are always funny! Well, maybe they're not supposed to be funny, but they always are!"
"I wanna go first!" KZ cried. She snatched Red Death's skull mask from his face and held it up. "To be, or not to be: that is the question. Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, or to take arms against a sea of troubles, and by opposing end them? To die, to sleep no more. And by a sleep to say we end the heartache and the thousand natural shocks that flesh is heir to, 'tis a consummation devoutly to be wish'd. To die, to sleep. To sleep, perchance to dream: ay, there's the rub. For in that sleep of death what dreams may come when we have shuffled off this mortal coil, must give us pause: there's the respect that makes calamity of so long life."
Red was covering his face with one hand. "Give me my mask back!" he demanded.
"But I need a prop!" KZ insisted.
"But I cannot bear allowing you to look upon my hideous visage," he wept.
"Oh, pull yourself together man!" Erik slapped him. "It's nothing more than a nasty blister compared to my face!"
"Oh sure, go on," Red sniffled. "Belittle my pain."
"It's our turn!" MTL and Hayley cried, rushing up to the front of the room.
"This is how we think the lair-scene in the Phantom movie should have gone," MTL said. "I'm gonna be Erik, and Hayley will be Raoul."
"Who will be Christine?" Mima asked.
"For argument's sake, we'll say Erik locked her in her room," Hayley said.
"Oh… OK…"
Hayley and MTL faced each other. Hayley pointed an accusing finger at MTL. "You fiend! What have you done with my lover?"
MTL grinned evilly. I was amazed at how much she resembled Erik at that moment. "Shouldn't you be asking what I haven't done with her?"
"Christine would never let the likes of you lay a hand on her!" Hayley declared. "She is in love with me!"
"Really?" MTL asked. "That's not what she was saying five minutes ago… In fact, I do believe she was saying, 'Oh, dear sweet Lord, Erik, don't stop! Yes Erik! Yes Erik! Yes–!"
"Enough!" Hayley said, cutting MTL off in mid-orgasm. "Have you no shame, you monster? How dare you attempt to taint Christine's reputation in such a manner! Open the door so that I may destroy you, though I am completely unarmed!"
MTL pulled a make-believe lever and Hayley came to stand in the 'lair.'
"I shall kill you now," MTL said.
"Do your worst, monster!" Hayley said boldly.
MTL took a length of fabric that was supposed to serve as a Punjab lasso. She threw it over Hayley's head and pretended to strangle her.
"Oh, no! No, have mercy!" Hayley gasped. "Christine? I am so sorry! I tried so hard to save you, and nothing was accomplished! I am leaving now, Christine… Christine…"
Hayley went limp, dying dramatically.
Everyone in the closet broke out into applause.
Erik wiped his eyes. "That was beautiful…"
MTL smiled humbly. "I know… It totally should have gone that way… Stupid Christine went and broke Erik's heart! What is wrong with her?" She unknowingly tightened her grip on the Punjab a little. Hayley opened her eyes.
"Uh… MTL?" she squeaked.
"I mean, seriously though," MTL continued. "How could she just go and betray the only man who was there for her all those years after her father died? I mean, sure he told a few white lies, but he came clean with everything in the end. I mean, what's so great about stupid Raoul?"
"MTL!" Hayley choked out. "Air!"
"Erik should have killed Raoul the first time he laid eyes on him. Or he should have gotten one of his phans to do it for him. Or maybe he could have just sabotaged Raoul's carriage…"
"MTL!" Hayley gasped, tugging on the Punjab. "Ox… y… gen…"
"Oops," MTL said, loosing her hold on the Punjab. "Sorry…"
"OK…" Mima said. "So, who's next?"
"We are!" Padme and SongBirdsGirl cried out.
"What are you doing?" Mima asked.
"An EM-friendly version of the Phantom of the Opera!" they said in unison.
Everyone just stared at them blankly.
"Padme is Erik and I'm Meg," SongBirdsGirl said.
"Scene one," Padme said. "Hannibal."
"Oh, no!" SongBirdsGirl cried. "That backdrop fell on Carlotta! This must be the work of the Phantom of the Opera! Oh, he must be such a lonely, tortured man if he must amuse himself by doing such terrible things."
"Scene two," Padme said. "Think of me."
"Wow, Christine sounds great!" SongBirdsGirl said. "Her new tutor must be a brilliant teacher! But now that Raoul is back, she will most likely leave him and break his heart. Oh, the poor man!"
Padme pretended to be listening far beneath the opera house. "Christine's voice is good," she said wistfully. "But alas, I feel I need more in a relationship than simply good looks and good music and great sex!" She sighed again. "Oh, who am I kidding? I'm a thirty-five-year-old virgin."
"Scene three," SongBirdsGirl said. "Angel of Music." She got an annoyed look on her face. "Christine, open your eyes! Your new tutor is not an angel! He is a wonderful, ingenious man who has needs and feelings like the rest of us!"
"Scene four," Padme said. "The mirror… Christine, come to me… Say, didn't Meg let you borrow that dress? Wow, Meg always looks good in that dress… I mean, I am your Angel of Music… Your hair is lovely tonight… Meg always wears her hair like that… I mean, come to me, Angel of Music…"
"Scene five," SongBirdsGirl said. "The Phantom of the Opera."
"Christine, you sing very nicely," Padme said. "But I need more than that. So, welcome to Dumpville. Population: you."
"Scene six," SongBirdsGirl said. "The magical lasso… Oh, wow! A secret tunnel in a mirror! I wonder if Christine knew about this? Hello? Who's there?"
"It is I," Padme said. "The Phantom of the Opera!"
"Oh, I am not worthy!" SongBirdsGirl cried.
"Come, ma petite," Padme said. "Let us make the music of the night."
"Scene seven," SongBirdsGirl said. "Il Muto."
"Oh, Meg dances just wonderfully," Padme said. "I'll have to give her a rose after the show."
"I dance only for my Phantom," SongBirdsGirl said dreamily.
"Scene eight," Padme said. "The rooftop… Meg, you were so beautiful tonight!"
"I couldn't stop thinking about you, my Phantom!"
"I love you, Meg!"
"I love you, Erik!"
"Meg…"
"Erik…"
"Meg…"
"Erik…"
"Meg!"
"Erik!"
"Scene nine," Padme said. "The masquerade."
"Ooh!" SongBirdsGirl squealed. "There's Erik! And he looks so handsome!"
"Play my opera!" Padme thundered. "Now, time to go!" She pretended to disappear in a blazing inferno with SongBirdsGirl in her arms.
"Final scene," SongBirdsGirl said. "Don Juan."
"I hate to cut this lovely opera short," Padme said. "But I have to drop a chandelier on everybody and disappear with my lover. Bye-bye!"
"Oh, Erik!" SongBirdsGirl sighed. "You're so daring!"
"Now, put on this dress…"
"Why?"
"Because I want to marry you, my little Meg…"
"Oh, Erik! Really?"
"Of course, Meg. You are the only one this heart beats for."
"Oh, I accept, Erik!"
Padme and SongBirdsGirl hid behind a large fan and pretended to smooch.
"The end!" they said in unison.
There was more thunderous applause.
Erik blinked several times. "That was just disturbing…"
"Oh sure," SongBirdsGirl pouted. "When you kill Raoul, it's beautiful, but when you exhibit feelings towards someone other than Christine, it's disturbing! Hmph!"
"Hey, Hollom?" Leroux said. "Do you have any talents?"
"Why, yes!" he replied. "I can gut a moo-fish in less than twenty seconds!"
"Ew!" Leroux made a face. "Well… Jack, what can you do?"
"Watch this…" He set an apple on top of Leroux's head. Then he pulled out his pistol and aimed it at her.
"Eek!" she cried. "What are you doing?"
"I'm going to shoot the apple off of your head," Jack replied. "Don't worry, I've done this before… once…"
Leroux knocked the apple off of her head. "Uh-uh! No way!" She turned to Red Death. "Can you do anything?"
"I can say the entire French alphabet in a burp," he said.
Leroux looked completely grossed out. "Dracula?"
"I am said to be a master in the art of seduction," Dracula said.
"Really?" Leroux seemed interested.
Dracula shrugged. "I suppose…"
"Great! Seduce me!"
Dracula shot her a look. "I beg your pardon?"
"You heard me!" Leroux cried. "Seduce me! Make me ache with want! Make me turn to jelly under your touch!"
Dracula took a step back from her. "Miss, we've only just met!"
Leroux pouted. "So? That didn't stop you when you went and made brides out of Solina and Valerie and Lucy! You'd only just met them!"
"Yes, but… but…" Dracula tried to think of an excuse. "I swore I wouldn't kill anyone!"
Leroux looked disappointed. "Oh… Well, can't you seduce me without making me all undead and stuff?"
"No!" Dracula said quickly. "That would be absolutely impossible!" He sighed in frustration. "Mimiy ālāfbityūt lābātšānbataf iyinbabitšān iyzēnyi?"
"I don't know what you just said," Mima said. "But it sounded filthy."
Leroux sighed. "I guess Erik is my only love, then… Erik, sing something!"
Erik looked at her. "Why?"
"Because!" she cried. "This is a talent show and you're the best at singing! Sing something!"
"But don't sing something cliché like Music of the Night, or Point of No Return," Robika said.
"Some girls like those songs," Erik pointed out.
"Maybe, but this is a talent show!" Robika said. "It has to be a funny song!"
"Fine," Erik said. "How about another Canada-bashing song?"
"Yes!" all of the America phans cried.
"Very well," Erik sighed. "This is the Canadian national anthem that I wrote… Oh, when I look around me, I can't believe what I see. It seems as if this country has lost its will to live. The economy is lousy. We barely have an army. But we can still stand proud, 'cause Canada's really big! We're the second largest country on this planet Earth. And if Russia keeps on shrinking, then soon we'll be the first!"
"As long as we keep Quebec," I put in.
Erik continued. "Well, the USA has tanks, and Switzerland has banks. They can keep them, thanks, 'cause they just don't amount. 'Cause when you get down to it, you find out what the truth is. It isn't what you do with it, it's the size that counts! Some people may tell you that France is pretty large. But you can't fit fourteen Frances into this land of ours!"
"It'd take a lot of work," I said. "It'd take a whole lot of work."
"We're larger than Malaysia," Erik sang. "Almost as big as Asia. We're bigger than Australia, and it's a continent! So big, we seldom bother to go see one another. But we often go to other countries for vacation… Our mountains are very pointy. Our prairies are not. The rest is kind of bumpy. But man, do we have a lot!"
"We got a lot of land," I said. "We got a whole lot of land."
Erik belted out the final verse. "So stand up and be proud, and sing out very loud. We stand out from the crowd, 'cause Canada's really big!"
After that, all of the phans got bored, so we threw a closet masked ball. Everybody got dressed up and there was some nice music playing. But then someone brought in some cases of Molson Canadian… And things just went downhill from there…
Skibby, in particular, proved to be a bit too fond of the drink. She was quite hammered, belting out an utterly rousing rendition of 'Danny Boy' whilst encouraging everyone else to join in. Somehow in the middle of it all, some of the Boys from Troy from Tad's closet showed up.
"What's going on?" Achilles asked Erik.
"Someone thought it would be brilliant to throw a party," he replied. "Now half of the phans are drunk."
"Why aren't you drunk?" Paris asked.
"Because it's more fun to remain sober and watch everyone else make asses of themselves."
"It's not nice being drunk," Estelle said. "Just ask a glass of water."
"Oh, very funny," Dracula said sarcastically. "My undead sides are splitting…"
"Eh, lighten up man!" Skibby slurred, slapping Dracula on the back. "Why doncha 'ave a drink wi' me?" She held out a bottle.
Dracula wrinkled his nose at the proffered drink. "I don't drink… beer…"
Skibby looked disappointed. She staggered over to Erik. "How's about you?" She offered the bottle.
"We don't drink beer in Paris."
"I think Paris is the worst-smelling place this earth ever belched up!" the Hair declared, ignoring the annoyed look Erik was currently giving her. "I actually became ill from overexposure to Parisian air, and I was only there for a couple of days! The only good thing about it is the Louvre! The Eiffel Tower irritates me! So does Bonaparte, that chauvinist (INSERT EXPLICIT TEXT HERE) tyrant! Go Lord Nelson!"
"I'm offended!" Erik cried.
"Oh well," the Hair shrugged. "I stand by you, no matter how irritated I make you!"
KZ staggered on over, just slightly tipsy, singing very off-key. "Drink with me to days gone by. Sing with me the songs we knew. Here's to handsome men who went to our heads!"
Elly joined in. "Here's to sexy men we dragged to our beds!"
Robika was singing now, too. "Here's to them, and here's to you!"
Hector nudged Erik. "Bet I can drink more whisky shots than you."
Erik rolled his eyes. "Puh-lease… You think a genius like myself would not also be the master of any drinking game ever invented?"
"Oh, yeah?" Hector goaded him. "Prove it." He set a shot glass down in front of Erik.
"Fine," Erik said. "On three… One… Two… Three!"
Both men downed their shots. It was hard to tell which one of them actually finished first.
"I win!" Hector declared.
"You did not!" Erik cried.
"Fine! Rematch!" The men downed their drinks again. Once more, it was impossible to tell who the winner was.
"I won!" Hector insisted.
"You are a cheater!" Erik accused. "Rematch!"
This went on for some time, until Hector finally passed out from too much drink. Erik wasn't far behind.
"Hah!" Erik laughed at the unconscious Hector. "I win!" He leaned a little too far off of his chair and fell to the floor.
"Damned Engleesh piesh of crap frurnichar!" he cursed.
"I think you're drunk, Erik," WanderingTeen said.
"Nooooo… D'you think?" Even smashed he was sarcastic!
Mrs. Butler sauntered on over, hammered as well. "Chocolate… chocolate…" she mumbled. "I'm bored… Erik!"
"Yesh?" he replied.
"Turtles!" she exclaimed. "And Latin!"
I have no idea where that came from, but it got Erik singing drunkenly.
"Dona eis requiem, dona eis requiem!"
Mrs. Butler joined in. "Agnus dei, agnus dei, agnus dei!"
"Latin, Shpaniards, Germans, and Rushians are all retarded!" Erik exclaimed. "I am the only true geniush!"
He had way too much to drink.
"I feel happy!" Skibby sang. "I feel happy!" Then she passed out.
"Quick!" Spinner cried, grabbing Skibby by her ankles and dragging her over to the PC. "Let's sell her on E-Bay and use the money to buy a man-thong for Erik!"
"No way!" Erik retorted, staggering to his feet. "Ah'll nevah wear a man-thbbllloon!"
"Sure you will!" Spruce Goose said. "Admit it! You like the feel of lacy lingerie on your skin!"
"Only when Fanny wearsh it," he muttered.
The closet fell into complete silence.
"Fanny?" I repeated. "You mean Fantine!"
"The crazy lady from Angel's last fic?" VagrantCandy cried.
"Oh, yeah," Erik grinned drunkenly. "Ssshhe looksh so hot in Victoryah Shecret… Then she liesh on the cousch and jest looksh so pertty…"
All of the phans sitting on the couch immediately jumped to their feet.
"Then she shtartsh talking real dirty-like," Erik continued. "She shez she wantsh to play weeth mah organ…"
"Oh, no!" Spruce Goose cried. "He's spilling out all of his secrets of the universe! Somebody get this guy some coffee!"
"Say," Shadow said. "We could use this to our advantage." She moved over and stood in front of Erik. "Hey, Erik? What's your favourite colour?"
"I alwaysh yooshed to theenk mah favroote cahlar wasth blue, caush it'sh a boy cahlar," Erik said. "But then I realished that jest caush it'sh a boy cahlar, doesh'nt mean I got'sh ta lahke it too… Why confrorm to shoshiety, eh?"
"Uh, right…" Shadow said slowly. "So… what's your favourite colour?"
"Pink!" Erik cried.
"Really?" Shadow started giggling.
"Not geerly pink, or anytheeng," Erik said. "Jest regoolar pink…"
"Then why do you always wear black?" Shadow asked.
"Caush I am a shuffering arteesht!" Erik declared. "I am so depresshed…"
"Aww…" Shadow said sadly. "You need a hug." Then she glomped him.
I shook my head. "That was just disturbing…"
Then suddenly, the horrifying occurred… My PC monitor began to glow…
"Uh oh," Shadow said as she got off of Erik. "Nothing good ever comes out of that thing… Except for Gerard Butler… And Johnny Depp… And Orlando Bloom…" She paused thoughtfully. "Outta my way, girls!" she cried, shoving phans aside. "I wanna be the first to greet, uh… Brad Pitt? Tom Cruise? Mel Gibson, maybe?"
Then the closet was plunged into darkness.
"Eek!" Leroux cried. "What happened?"
"I think the light bulb burnt out!" I said.
"Well, do you have a spare?" Leroux asked impatiently.
"I'll have to check the pantry," I said.
"Who'sh grabbing my bum?" Erik asked.
"Did someone come through the PC?" Jack asked.
"Mm-hm…" Dracula grunted in the affirmative.
"How can y'tell?" Jack asked. "I can't see a bloody thing!"
"I have impeccable night-vision, my pillaging friend," Dracula responded.
"Well, who is it?" Red asked.
"Not sure," Dracula said. "But she looks yummy."
The silence in the closet was broken by an evil laugh.
"Hi, honey," a dark voice whispered. "I'm home."
XxXxX
First phan to review gets to be the one grabbing Erik's butt when the lights finally turn back on!
Any ideas as to who just entered the closet? The first phan to guess correctly gets to kiss Erik in the next chapter!
Sadly, I think the next chapter will be the last one. I really want to begin posting the sequel to Monsieur and Madame le Fantôme and I don't want to start doing it until this one is finished.
Oh, by the way, I just got accepted to Nipissing University! YAY! I'm so happy! Just thought I'd share that little tidbit of information.
Remember, it is a fanfiction sin to read and not review.
See all y'all later!