Angel: Congratulations to WanderingTeen and MJ-Skywalker for winning the review contest!

Erik: I hate you…

Angel: And Mrs. Butler… Clodhoppers are the best-tasting candies you'll ever have! They're these little packets of graham cookie smothered in chocolate… They come in vanilla, cookies 'n crème, peanut butter, and so much more! The only thing is, they're highly addictive. It says so on the bag. By the way, happy birthday!

Well, enjoy the chapter!

XxXxX

Bloody Witchy PC

"I know that voice…" I whispered.

"Yo, Angel!" Mask's impatient voice called. "The lights?"

"Oh, right," I said. "Dracula? Seeing as you're the only person who can, well, see, could you possibly replace that light bulb?"

"I have to do everything myself," he grumbled as I heard him trudge off in the direction of the pantry.

"Hey, Dracula?" Jack called. "How many vampires does it take to screw in a light bulb?"

"You can't tell!" Hollom responded. "As soon as the light goes on, they burst into flame!"

Dracula growled. "That's not funny."

"How many Raouls does it take to screw in a light bulb?" Red asked. "Just one. He puts the bulb in the socket, and the world revolves around him!"

Erik laughed drunkenly. "Ha! That'sh a goooooood one! I gotta rerember dat one!" He paused. "Sherioushly, who'sh grabbing my bum?" Apparently, he was still drunk. But the other phans seemed to have miraculously sobered up from Erik's drunken account of why he likes Fantine.

"Well, this ought to do it," Dracula muttered after some shuffling around. The lights went back on, blinding everybody.

As soon as my eyes adjusted, the first thing I saw was WanderingTeen grabbing Erik's bum.

"WanderingTeen!" I cried.

"Oops!" she said, blushing. She removed the offending hand. "My bad."

Then I saw Jack and Alateriel stuffing some loot into their pockets.

"Were you two pillaging while the lights were out?" I asked.

"Uh… no!" they said in unison.

Then I saw Red trapped in a major lip-lock with Mrs. Butler.

"Mrrrffh!" Red's cries were muffled as Mrs. Butler kissed him without mercy. It was clear she wasn't letting go of him any time soon.

Finally, my eyes rested upon the one who had entered the closet just before the lights went out…

There, reclining on the couch in a beautiful nineteenth-century style black dress and a mask that covered the whole top half of her face, was my greatest creation… Fantine.

Not Les Miserables' Fantine, mind you. I picked the name because it was French and sounded like Fantôme. She was Erik's love-interest in my last story. Last time we saw her, she was married to Erik and expecting a baby.

When Erik saw Fantine, he sobered instantly. "You!" he shrieked.

She gave him a twisted smile. "Well, if it isn't the SOB who got me pregnant," she said sweetly.

"Uh, you don't look pregnant," Red said, having just pried his face from Mrs. Butler.

"Why, thank you!" she said. "That's the kindest thing anyone has said to me all day."

"Oh man, not her!" Alateriel groaned. "I hate this chick! She is such a little chienne! And she stole Erik, even if he is a chauvinistic arrogant sarcastic pig…"

"Hey!" Erik retorted.

"Oh, don't hate me because I'm beautiful…" Fantine replied sarcastically.

"You're ugly!" Alateriel spat. "That's why you wear a mask!"

"What are you doing here?" Erik demanded.

Fantine raised a brow. "What's wrong, lover? Aren't you happy to see me?"

"No, I am not happy to see you!" Erik cried. "I despise you! Get out of here!"

Did I mention that Erik never really liked Fantine outside of my fic? At least, that's what I thought until he began revealing disturbing images of her in Victoria Secret talking dirty to him.

Fantine stretched out on the couch and pretended to think. "Hmm… No… I don't think I will leave. It's rather nice in here. Why, we have a TV, and food, and a torture chamber, and friends!" she gestured at the many people standing in the closet. "Really, Erik… You should have invited me over earlier!"

"By the sounds of things, he's been inviting you over too much!" Dracula muttered.

Fantine glanced in his direction. "Eh? What was that?"

Dracula rolled his eyes. "As if you don't know!"

"Well, Monsieur le Vampire," Fantine said, standing up, "I don't know what you're talking about. So why don't you enlighten me?"

Was it possible for the undead to blush so profusely? Dracula sure was! "Um… er…" he stumbled for words. "You know? Victoria Secret?"

Fantine stared blankly.

"The couch?" he prompted.

Fantine didn't flinch.

"Talking dirty?"

She didn't even blink.

"The organ?"

"Oh, grow a pair!" Jack shouted at Dracula. He turned to Fantine. "Erik here says you always come here wearing Victoria Secret and play with his organ."

Fantine saw red. "He said what?" she screamed. Fantine unsheathed her sword and turned on Erik. "You lie like a cheap rug on a Thursday afternoon!"

Erik hid behind Dracula. "Come on, Fantine!" he cried. "I was drunk!"

"Drunk again!" she ranted. "Is that the example you really want to set for our child?"

"We're not really having a kid!" Erik cried.

Fantine paused. "We're not?"

"No! That was just a story! A crappy story out of Angel's twisted brain!"

"Oh." She sheathed her sword. "I guess that means I can take up drinking again." She grabbed a bottle of Molson and popped the cap off on the edge of the coffee table. Then she seated herself on the couch once more. "Now Erik," Fantine began. "I believe you have some 'splaining to do." She took a long swig from the bottle.

Erik looked sheepish. "Well… I was kind of mad at Angel for hooking us up in her last story, so I wrote a spoof of it, only you were porn-star-slash-prostitute, and I was Casanova… My imagination sort of ran wild when I was drunk and I was no longer able to distinguish between reality and fantasy." Erik glanced at me. "Sorry, Angel…"

I stared at him disbelievingly. "I can't believe you'd bash my story like that!" I cried.

"Uh, oh…" the Hair murmured. "That's Erik's wife, and Dracula thinks she looks yummy. Jealousy shall ensue!"

"Ha!" Erik scoffed. "I wouldn't be jealous of any guy who is stupid enough to like her! Dracula can have her for lunch for all I care!"

"You really mean that?" Dracula said hopefully as his eyes turned blood red. He turned on Fantine.

Fantine pulled her sword out again. "Come another step closer, and I'll shove this thing through your eye-socket."

"Ooo," Dracula grinned. "I think I'm in love…"

"Do not touch me," Fantine shot back.

"Oh, come on," Dracula insisted. "Being dead isn't all that bad…"

"Let me say this in small words that you'll understand," Fantine said. "I. Don't. Like. You."

Dracula looked confused. "You're the first woman who hasn't fallen into my arms the second I introduce myself!"

"I am honestly surprised." She began filing her nails on her sword.

Dracula glanced at me. He was actually pouting!

"What is wrong with this woman?" he pointed at Fantine.

"Well…" I said slowly. "I did sort of create her to be very saucy and sarcastic… That's probably why she and Erik fell for each other in my story."

"Can you make her…?" Dracula paused, thinking. "I don't know… Somewhat normal?"

"But she would just be another flippin' Mary Sue if I did that!"

Fantine shuddered. "Ew. Don't even say that."

Hector woke up at that moment and dragged himself up off the floor.

"I can't believe I drank so much," he groaned. "Oh, my head!"

"Serves ya right!" Tad wagged a finger at him. "Go lie down on the couch and I'll bring you aspirin and a cold compress."

Hector did as he was told and went and laid down on the couch.

"Silly prince…" Achilles snorted.

"I agree," Tad said. "But that's no reason to call him names, Achilles."

Fantine made a face after taking a particularly long swig of beer. "Man, this stuff is strong."

"I know," Alateriel said. "Canadian beer is so much better than American beer. Like, Canadians are so much more proud of their beer than we are. Canadians are like, 'Beer! Gimme!' And Americans are like, 'Light, fresh, refreshing, wonderful, cool like a mountain spring drink-that-happens-to-have-an-appalling-name-like-beer but we shall call it… beer?'" She shrugged.

"I actually don't really like beer that much," I said. "Give me a vodka cooler or a rum and coke any day… Or pina coladas!"

The Hair scrunched up her face. "Alcohol is icky and it smells!"

"I suppose you have a point," I said.

"But I do love those fics where Erik is walking around drinking out of a bottle of whiskey and pushing Raoul out of windows…" the Hair snickered.

Erik smirked. "I like those fics, too."

"Well, drinking is bad!" Robika said. "Bad, bad, bad, bad, bad… Bad… Bad."

Fantine looked at her bottle guiltily, then dumped it out on the floor.

"Way to make me feel guilty about drinking," she said begrudgingly.

"Oh, sure honey!" Erik said sarcastically. "Just dump your drink anywhere! Pay no attention to the fact that this closet is my pad and you're making a mess of it!"

"Thanks, Erik," Fantine said sweetly. "I am feeling quite at home in here…"

Opera Dove, who was still unconscious from when Dracula hit her, began to stir. She opened her eyes and looked around.

"Oh, my head…" she moaned.

"Oh, good," Red said. "She no longer thinks she's a squirrel."

Opera Dove covered her face. "Oh, it was horrible! The squirrels were in my head! They kept telling me to do horrible things!"

"What horrible things?" Red asked.

"They told me grab Erik's nuts!"

The closet fell into dead silence.

Then there was a cracking sound.

We all looked at Erik, who was standing in the corner cracking open some peanuts and popping them into his mouth.

"What?" he asked.

"That's it," Echo said, striding over to my PC. "I miss my muse…"

"Who's your muse?" I asked.

She reached in and pulled out another Erik. Only this one had a black mask that covered his whole face, and he was really, really skinny.

"It's Leroux!Erik!" Mask cried.

"What Erik-version are you?" Hayley asked my Erik. "Kay? Englund?"

"I'm the real Erik," he replied curtly.

Hayley blinked. "Can I take that to mean that you're some weird hybrid of Crawford and Butler?"

Leroux!Erik was a little disoriented from being thrust into a strange room with odd-looking people. He swayed a bit and put a hand on my desk to steady himself.

I sprayed the area he just touched with disinfectant. "Hey! I can't have you leaving your nasty germs everywhere Mister Stinky-Fingers!" I tossed him a pair of Erik's favourite black leather gloves. "Kindly wear these."

Leroux!Erik looked from me to the gloves I just gave him, back to me. He twitched a bit.

"Careful," Echo warned me. "He tends to go a little crazy when he's upset."

"What?" I asked. "Like, psycho-crazy?"

"No…" Echo thought about it. "More like homicidal-maniac-crazy…"

"Oh, sure," Leroux!Erik finally spoke. "Just keep speaking as though I am not even present…"

"Wow!" MTL cried. "He totally is Leroux!Erik!" She got really close to him and started examining him. "Right down to the month-old corpsey smell! Where did you find him? Did he come with the mask? Is this cloak his too?"

Leroux!Erik didn't like having his personal space invaded. In a flash, he removed his Punjab lasso from his belt.

"Wow! He comes with his own Punjab!" MTL squealed delightedly, oblivious to the fact that Leroux!Erik was about ten seconds away from strangling the life out of her.

He was about to put the noose over her head when Echo spoke up. "Leroux!Erik," she said firmly. "Calmeth thyself, and I'll give you Phantom brownies!"

Leroux!Erik put the noose away, responding to Echo's order like a dog responds to its master.

"Where are the Phantom brownies?" he asked with a hopeful glitter in his amber eyes.

"At home," Echo answered. "If you're good, I'll give you two batches when we return."

"Very sad," Red said, shaking his head. "The original Erik – upon whom every Erik's character has been based – has been housebroken by a teenage girl."

Leroux!Erik glared at Red, but remembered Echo's promise of Phantom brownies if he behaved.

Skibby hung upside down off of the couch and grinned at Leroux!Erik. "I knew he was real!"
Leroux!Erik stared at Skibby. She was wearing a T-shirt that said 'The Opera Ghost Really Existed' on it.

DarkSilverMaiden skipped over to Leroux!Erik with a basket full of dark chocolate in it. She smiled sweetly at him. "This is for you!"

Leroux!Erik simply stared at her.

"I thought you only gave me dark chocolate," my Erik pouted.

"I brought you a tub of popcorn," DarkSilverMaiden assured him.

Leroux!Erik stared at them both. And I thought Dracula had brought staring to an art form!

Skibby held up a tall glass. "I brought Erik a mushroom smoothie!"

"Ew!" everyone in the closet cried.

"What? They're good!" Skibby took a long drink out of the glass to prove her point. Then she set it down on my desk. "And for Angel, I brought genuine Canadian maple sugar candies!"

"Gimme!" I shrieked, nearly tackling her to the floor. I quickly composed myself. "I mean, uh… Thank you…"

"Way to practically glomp me!" Skibby said indignantly, brushing herself off.

"What is glomping anyway?" the Hair asked. "I have no idea what it means to glomp…"

My Erik grabbed her shoulders and shook her. "It's where crazy rabid phan girls jump on you and start huggling you and refuse to let go, usually cutting off your air supply in the process!"

"Calm down," the Hair said.

"Sorry." Erik released her.

The Kitsunekilala appeared. "I want to glomp Ewik!"

Pony rolled her eyes. "Uh yeah, are you stupid? Erik will never let you glomp him."

Kitsunekilala just stood there and stared. Pony approached her slowly. "Uh, hello? Are you okay?" She poked her with a stick. She fell over.

"No!" Pony cried. "I killed her! How could this happen?" She started banging her head on the wall. Then she accidentally knocked herself out.

"I don't want pickles on my ketchup!" Kitsunekilala whined from her place on the floor.

Emma furrowed her brow. "That made absolutely no sense…"

"Who the Hell are you?" Kitsunekilala demanded angrily. "I won't stand for this insolence!" A carrot appeared in her hand.

"And what do you plan to do with that?" Emma asked dryly.

Kitsunekilala waved the carrot at her. "I'm going to kill you with vitamin poisoning!"

While Kitsunekilala chased Emma around with the carrot, the Hair turned to Leroux!Erik.

"Say, Mister Leroux!Erik," the Hair said. "What's your take on the whole spider issue?"

He gave her a strange look. "What?"

"You know? From Kay's book? Man, that story really irritates me sometimes! Every time I get attacked by a spider I have to stand there and debate with myself whether I should kill it or not! That book put me in a dark place. I can't stand the thought of Erik suffering! It makes me so mad! People are so stupid! Honestly, do you really compare yourself to a spider and think that people kill spiders just because they think that they don't deserve to live because they are ugly?"

Leroux!Erik glanced around. "Well… I don't know… I'm not exactly Kay's Erik, but… I don't really consider myself as low on the popularity scale as spiders are… At least I hope not…" At that moment, a small spider crawled across my desk near where he was standing. Quick as a flash, he brought his hand down and squished it. "Damn things…" he muttered.

"Poor little guy," Hollom said sadly.

"Oh, don't be so upset," Erik said sarcastically. "Here… Let me play you a sad tune on the world's smallest violin!"

"No!" Skibby cried. "Let us re-enact a tragic story for you!" She produced Erik's socks, which she had stolen earlier. She gave one to Elly and they put them on their hands like puppets.

"Ah, dear Juliet," Skibby made her sock say. "Why art thou yet so fair? Shall I believe that unsubstantial death is amorous, and that the lean abhorred monster keeps thee here in dark to be his paramour? For fear of that, I still will stay with thee; and never from this palace of dim night depart again. Here, here will I remain with worms that are thy chambermaids. Oh, here will I set up my everlasting rest, and shake the yoke of inauspicious stars from this world-wearied flesh. Eyes, look your last! Arms, take your last embrace! And, lips, oh you the doors of breath, seal with a righteous kiss a dateless bargain to engrossing death!"

Elly and Skibby pressed their socks' 'mouths' together, making them kiss.

"That's a little disturbing," Hayley said.

"Come, bitter conduct, come, unsavoury guide!" Skibby continued. "Thou desperate pilot, now at once run on the dashing rocks thy sea-sick weary bark! Here's to my love! Oh true apothecary! Thy drugs are quick. Thus with a kiss I die." She made her sock fall over, dead.

"What's here?" Elly made her sock say. "A cup, closed in my true love's hand? Poison, I see, hath been his timeless end. Oh churl! Drunk all, and left no friendly drop to help me after? I will kiss thy lips; haply some poison yet doth hang on them, to make die with a restorative." She started making her sock kiss Skibby's dead one. "Thy lips are warm. Yea, noise? Then I'll be brief. Oh happy dagger!" She picked up a toothpick. "This is thy sheath." She stabbed her sock repeatedly. "There rust, and let me die." Her sock fell over, dead.

We all clapped.

"How sad," DarkSilverMaiden said. "Say, Erik!" she skipped on over to him. "Guess what? I'm doing Wishing You Were Somehow Here Again for my piano recital! Isn't that cool?"

Erik grunted a response.

"I think that's cool!" I said. "I'm doing You Raise Me Up for my piano recital. I wanted to do Music of the Night, but someone else was already doing it, so my teacher wouldn't let me." I pouted.

"What a crummy teacher," Erik snickered.

I glared daggers at him. "Ahem, my teacher happens to be my mother!"

Erik looked sheepish. "Oops."

"Well, my song's really hard, so I've been having to work on it quite a bit," DarkSilverMaiden said. "I have taken to using my free periods to practice in our auditorium on the grand piano. You could say I have become the Phantom of my school's auditorium, muhehe!"

"Oh, funny…" Erik said dryly.

"Hey, your school has a grand piano?" I cried. "No fair! I have to settle for working on my upright at home, which is like sixty years old! And at school, all we have is dozens of keyboards and one really out-of-tune organ. I want a grand piano!"

"Well, I want Erik!" Darklady said. "You can't always have what you want…" She paused. "On second thought… I could just steal Erik and take him home with me through the PC! And you'd never find me 'cause I'm an American and we don't want you hockey-loving Canadians in our country! So ha!"

Skibby tiptoed over to Darklady. "Better be careful with them Canucks," she whispered. "My father and I were talking the other day about how everyone hates America and how even the peaceable Canadians will eventually start constructing weapons of maple sugar-induced destruction to hurl over the border at us!"

"Peaceable?" Erik snorted. "You should see Angel during the play-offs."

"Wahoo!" I shrieked at the top of my lungs. "Eat it, Yankees!" I started whipping bags of Moose Droppings at everyone.

"Moose droppings?" Darklady cried. "Oh man, you're gross!"

"Not real moose droppings," I said. I opened up a bag. "It's candy… Almonds coated in maple sugar and smothered in chocolate. They're the next best thing to clodhoppers!"

"Oh." So we all sat down and ate some moose droppings.

"You know," Skibby said. "My father and I were also talking about how much America sucks and how we should move to Canada."

"That's a great idea," I said. "If you can put up with our whiny government and crappy hockey teams… I think them Yanks cheated!"

Then my PC began to glow…

"What now?" I cried. "Can't they just leave us alone?"

A short little guy hopped through the monitor.

"It's my hobbit-muse!" Skibby squealed in delight. She glomped the poor thing. "Hi, Pippin!"

Pippin gasped for breath while Skibby squeezed. But unfortunately, a little hobbit is no match for a love-struck human girl.

But Pippin didn't come alone…

"Hey!" Leadinglady cried. "It's Chuck Norris!"

Chuck looked around. "Where'd I go?"

"Hey," Mask giggled behind her hands. "I know a great Chuck Norris joke… When God said, 'Let there be light!' Chuck Norris said, 'Say please.'"

"Anyone know this one?" Estelle asked. "Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad Chuck Norris never cries!"

"Oh, how about this one?" Lux Leroux said. "Chuck Norris invented the C-section when he round-house kicked himself into the world!"

Leadinglady rolled her eyes. "Those jokes get so annoying… Especially when people say them constantly! I guess I'll just have to remove the source of annoyance…" She shoved Chuck back through the monitor. "Sorry… It's for my sanity's sake!"

No sooner had Chuck left than did my PC begin glowing again.

"No!" I shrieked. "Leave us alone!" Three forms appeared from the monitor. I started throwing moose droppings at them.

Strangely, though, the stuff went right through them…

"We are the ghosts of Opera Houses past!" a voice boomed.

Tad pulled out one of those Ghostbusters laser-blaster-thingies. "Die, scum!" she yelled.

The ghosts screamed like girls.

"Wait, Tad!" Mima cried. "Hold your fire! That's Javert and Buquet and Piangi! You know? The dudes Erik offed!"

She was right!

"I hate you," Red muttered at Javert. "Do you have any idea how many years of therapy I'm going to need because of you?" Red threw a brick at him. Unfortunately, as Javert was merely a ghost, it just went right through him.

"Ooh, hi ladies!" Buquet grinned.

Emma scoffed. "Didn't we tell you not to mess with the Phantom? We told you not to mess with the Phantom. We told you, didn't we? You heard us, right?"

Piangi looked around, a little dazed. "I'm hungry…"

"Poor Piangi," Mima said. "The unfortunate child of Fate, forced to cross paths with the Phantom…"

"Why are all these dead people in my closet?" Erik demanded.

"Your crimes are coming back to haunt you, Sweetie," Fantine said saucily from her place on the couch.

"Never call me that again," Erik growled at her.

"Ooh, hello toots!" Buquet smiled as he went to sit by Fantine. "Aren't you the prettiest little thing?"

"Apparently you are looking at my cleavage and not my face," Fantine muttered.

"I think I'm in love…"

Fantine rolled her eyes. "Listen, I'm not your type… I'm not inflatable…"

"Wanna take your clothes off?" Buquet asked.

Fantine scowled. "You pinched my ass when I was in the Corps du Ballet!"

"I did? Did you like it?"

Fantine swiped with her sword. Had Buquet been – well, alive – she would have severed his head. But, unfortunately, her blade went clear through him.

Fantine frowned. "It's not nearly as satisfying when they're already dead… Erik, couldn't you have held off on killing this one? I know about fifty chorus girls who would have liked to do him…"

Buquet's eyes brightened. "Really?"

Fantine rolled her eyes. "I meant kill you, you stupid, lecherous, alcoholic, smelly, disgusting pervert!"

Buquet giggled. "I like it when they talk dirty…"

"Alright. That tears it!" Fantine grabbed Tad's Ghostbusters laser-blaster-thingy and shot Buquet. He disappeared.

"That was slightly more satisfying." She turned to Piangi. "You always stole my baked potatoes in the dinner hall. Did I ever tell you how much that irritated me?" She shot him and he, too, disappeared.

Finally, she turned to Javert. "And you… Although I have never met you before, I must automatically hate you because you are ugly and dirty… and you used to beat children for money, which I absolutely cannot stand for… even if it was Erik…"

"Thanks honey," Erik muttered.

"So, toodles!" Fantine blasted Javert, and he also disappeared.

"I like this gun," Fantine decided. "It's so much more fun than a sword. It's just like, zap! Hmm… I wonder if it works on something besides ghosts…" She pointed the gun at Erik.

"What are you doing?" Erik shrieked as he wrestled Fantine for the gun. "Put it down! Drop it! You're going to kill someone!"

"Well, that's the point of owning a gun!" Fantine shot back. "Let go!"

They struggled for a few moments, then the gun accidentally misfired and hit my PC.

"Erik! Fantine!" I shrieked. "You hit my PC! You broke it!"

"No we didn't," Fantine retorted. "It looks fine… I'll bet the gun didn't do a thing to it."

"The screen's gone black," I moaned as I went over to my desk and started pushing buttons. "I'll bet that stupid gun sent an electrical surge through it, or something… The hard drive's probably fried!"

I tried to reboot the computer. Suddenly, the monitor came back on and glowed so brightly that I had to shield my eyes. It emitted a terrible sound, like static. I put my hands over my ears. The room began to shake.

I vaguely heard Erik shout something in the background. "Oh, sh–!"

Before he could finish the profanity, the chaos suddenly stopped.

"Well, that was weird," I heard Fantine say.

Only now, there was another person in the room with us…

It was Raoul de Chagny!

"AHHH!" Erik, Red, and Leroux!Erik screamed.

Raoul, upon seeing so many Eriks, also screamed.

"AHHH!"

Erik grabbed a Punjab lasso from under the couch. "Payback time!"

"Where have you brought me, you unnatural monster?" Raoul cried.

"Don't call me a monster, you Fop!" Erik shot back.

"Don't call me a Fop, you monster!" Raoul retorted.

"Fop," Erik repeated. "Fopfopfopfopfopfopfop!"

"Erik, behave," I said. "This is obviously some sort of misunderstanding."

"She's right, Erik," the Hair said. "You shouldn't treat your uncle with such disrespect…"

Raoul shot a look at her. Apparently, he wasn't that dumb after all. "His what?"

"The girls did some research," Erik muttered. "Apparently your brother was my father…"

"And Philippe never told me?" Raoul cried.

Leroux!Erik looked back and forth between the two men. "Did I miss something?"

"Raoul's your uncle!" the Hair informed him. "Say, that kind of reminds me of 'Bob's your Uncle, Fannie's your Aunt!'" She paused. "Raoul's your Uncle… Christine's your Aunt… Ew…"

"This is horrible!" Raoul cried.

"Yeah," Erik grumbled. "To think I'm going to have to start calling you 'Uncle Fop.'"

"Not that!" Raoul said. "I mean my kids! Christine's due to give birth to our first child in a month! What if the 'ugly gene' runs in the family? I could have fathered a child that looks just like you!"

Erik scowled.

"What if my child has your face? Or your homicidal tendencies? Or, God forbid…" he shuddered. "…Your mood-swings?"

"Say," the Hair said to Raoul. "Did you know that you look like a girl who was in my homeroom last year?"

Raoul squinted at the Hair. "Do I know you?"

"Of course!" the Hair said. "You should remember me, anyways. I've done so much to torture you! All in Erik's name of course…"

Raoul looked horrified. "You mean…?"

The Hair smirked. "Perhaps this will jog your memory… Remember the time I shaved your head, painted you pink, and set you adrift tied to the mast of a raft, wearing a toga made up of your own N'sync bed sheets?"

Raoul screamed. Erik snorted.

"Oh, yeah," the Hair grinned. "Then you were discovered by your buddies in the Navy. Yup, you are Erik's to dispose of, but it is my solemn duty to make your life miserable until that day comes."

Raoul sat down on the couch and started to pout. "I need a hug…"

"Here," Robika said, handing him a falafel sandwich. "Eat this. It will make you feel better."

Raoul reached out to take from her, but then she uh… ahem… accidentally dripped some of the white sauce stuff from the sandwich onto his pants.

"Hey!" Raoul cried. "This is real velvet! You just got sauce all over it! I'm never gonna get it out!"

"You really are a Fop," Mrs. Butler muttered.

"I am not," Raoul retorted.

"You are too!" she insisted. "Look it up. The definition of a fop is someone who is painfully obsessed with his appearance."

"I am not obsessed with my appearance…" Raoul paused. "Do I have something on my face? Does my hair look alright?"

"Here, we'll get that stain out of your pants," Robika promised. She started wiping it with a napkin, but it wouldn't come off.

"I have an idea," Shadow said. She held up a water bottle and wetted a paper towel. "Here… now just let me get that for – oops!"

She… erm… cough… unintentionally spilt her water bottle all over his pants.

"Ack!" Raoul screeched. "That's cold!"

"Well, we'll just have to take them off and dry them," KZ said. Before Raoul could react, she tore his pants off… revealing his Phantom of the Opera boxers.

"What?" Raoul said when he saw that we were all staring at his… er… attire. "These were a Christmas present!"

"Christine gave you those?" Erik asked excitedly. He grinned. "Oh yeah… I knew she still loved me!"

Raoul stuck his tongue out at Erik. "So what? All of your phans love me too!"

Erik raised a brow. "What on earth ever gave you that impression?"

Raoul pointed at the Fop-doll in the corner. "They have a sex-doll of me!"

Erik shook his head. "I regret to inform you that that is not a sex-doll…" His eyes widened. "Oh, man! I just got a mental image!" He hit his head against the wall. "Out of my head! Out! Out!"

Raoul kept staring at the doll and paid no attention to Erik's little display. "If it's not a sex-doll, what's it for?"

Mask grinned. "Wanna see?" She pushed a little button behind the doll's ear.

"Say you'll share with me one love, one lifetime!" it sang!

"Aww, how cute!" Raoul said.

Mask pushed a button behind the other ear. It made the doll's voice crack.

"Now watch this!" Blue grinned. She kicked the doll between the legs. It started singing soprano.

Raoul looked really freaked out. "What the Hell?"

"And watch this!" Kopher da Gopher put a Punjab lasso over Raoul's head and started to choke him.

"Kopher!" Estelle cried. "The doll! Not the real Raoul!"

"Oops!" Kopher removed the noose from Raoul's head and he gasped for breath.

"What… was that… for?" he gasped.

"Like this," Estelle took the noose from Kopher and put it over the doll's head. When she tugged on it, the doll made choking and gurgling noises.

"Look," Leroux said. "When you stick a pencil in his eye, he actually bleeds!"

KZ set the doll's hair on fire. "Burn, baby! Burn!"

The doll made horrible screeching noises.

"Gaagh!" Shadow ripped one of the doll's arms off.

"Stop!" Raoul cried. "I'm scared!"

"Don't be scared!" a short little redhead said to him. "Everything will be A-okay!"

Raoul stared at her. "Who are you?"

"I am Miss Black Shadow!" she said. "And I love Leroux!Erik!" She took the opportunity to glomp Leroux!Erik.

"I have to get out of here!" Raoul cried.

"Sorry, Mr. Fop," Mima said. "We're all stuck in here."

"Stuck?" Raoul repeated.

"Yup," Mima said. "We're trapped in this closet."

Raoul looked around at the various people in the room, playing cards, watching TV, and glomping muses.

"Well, then why isn't anyone doing anything?" Raoul demanded.

We all paused and the closet fell into silence.

"That's a good question," Erik admitted. "We should put our heads together and figure out a way to escape!"

"But Erik, we've been through this before!" Emma said.

"There has to be something we haven't thought of yet!" Erik insisted.

"I have an army of rubber duckies!" Miss Black Shadow announced.

Erik mulled it over in his mind. "Impermeable closet wall versus rubber duckies… Hmm… No, no good."

"What about my evil paper shredder?" she suggested.

"Well, that would be good if the wall was made of paper," Erik said. "But it's made of some indestructible alloy…" Erik glared at me. "Nice going."

"Well, the point was to make it so you couldn't escape," I pointed out.

"How about my magical Staff of Authoress Powers?" She held up a tall staff made of black, polished wood with silver etchings running up and down its length. On its top, there was an emerald in the shape of a flame.

"Ooh, pretty!" Raoul exclaimed.

"Yeah," Miss Black Shadow said. "It's shiny." She stopped and stared at her staff.

"Hello? Hello?" Erik snapped his fingers in front her face. "Anybody home?"

"Oh, sorry!" she snapped back to reality. "I sometimes get distracted by shiny objects."

"Well, try the staff!" Erik said. "That seems to have some potential!"

"Okey-dokey." She pointed her staff at one of the walls. "Get us out of here!"

The flame on her staff glowed brilliantly.

"Oh, this is gonna be good," Hollom said. "I can tell!"

The staff sparked a bit then went out.

"What the INSERT EXPLICIT TEXT HERE is going on here?" Erik demanded. "Everything we try to do to escape somehow fails! What is going on? Is this some kind of evil punishment? Is someone out to get me? NOOOOO!" Erik fell to his knees and grabbed my legs, burying his face against me.

"How pathetic," Dracula muttered.

"He needs comfort food," Miss Black Shadow said. She pulled an apple out of nowhere.

"I hate fruit," Erik murmured.

"But you really should try to have at least two servings a day," a voice said. "Otherwise, you'll get scurvy."

Erik looked up. "Miss Elphie! Thank goodness you're here!"

"Oh, no!" Mask cried. "It's the Wicked Witch of the West!"

MJ hugged her green friend protectively. "She's not wicked! She's just misunderstood!"

"And she's the only person I speak civilly to!" Erik said as he got to his feet.

"So why don't you marry her?" Fantine asked from the couch.

Erik looked at Fantine. "Because, alas, we are from two different worlds. It would never work between us, except maybe in a Phantom Universe – Oz crossover fic."

"Oh, great idea!" MJ produced a pencil and pad of paper and began to write.

"And I don't feel so self-conscious about my, er… birth defect, when Erik's around!" Elphie said.

"Yeah," Erik mumbled. "'Cause mine's worse…"

"But no matter," Elphie said, twirling her broom. "You are a brilliant gentleman nonetheless."

"Oh, would you two quit flirting?" KZ snapped.

"A witch does not flirt," Elphie put her nose in the air. "Besides, I have a higher purpose for coming here. I have been working on an escape plan, and I think I've got it."

"At last!" Erik cried. "What is it?"

"Well," Elphie began. "I've been working on this spell that makes it possible for one to walk through impermeable walls."

"Really?" Erik said.

"Yes, now it won't work on me, and I wouldn't want to take the chance with you Erik, in case something goes wrong. I thought perhaps someone that nobody likes." A malicious smile came to her lips. "Someone we wouldn't care if something happened to."

Everyone automatically looked at Dracula.

"I hate all of you, too," he muttered.

"How about it, Mr. Vampire?" Elphie asked. "Are you up to the challenge?"

Dracula sighed as he stood up. "Like I said… Existence is overrated…"

"I'll take that as a yes." Elphie pointed her broom at Dracula and said some strange words. There was a small flash of light.

"Ta-da!" Elphie said. "It's done."

"I don't feel any different," Dracula said.

"Walk through that wall," Elphie pointed at the closest wall.

Dracula went over to the wall and tentatively touched it. His hand went right through.

"Hey, cool!" Dracula said.

"Hurry!" Elphie urged him to walk through.

Dracula started walking. "Hey, I think this spell is a succe–" Dracula stopped. "Crap!"

"What is it?" Elphie asked.

"I'm stuck!"

"What?"

"What, you no spreckon zee Engleesh? I'm stuck!"

"How could this happen?" Elphie wondered. "The spell is supposed to last for at least half an hour!"

"Well, it didn't last for half a minute!" Dracula snapped. "Now do something! Get me out of here!"

"Sorry," Elphie said. "I haven't been working on my dematerialization spell… I'd probably end up turning you into a rabbit, or something."

Blue giggled. "Bunicula!"

Dracula growled. "If I am not out of here in exactly twenty seconds, I will be one very unhappy vampire!"

Elphie turned to Erik. "Sorry. It was worth a shot."

"No!" MJ cried. "We're stuck in here forever! We're gonna die!"

"Now, die is a strong word," Invaderoperaghost tried to calm her.

"I'm so young!" MJ moaned. "I had so much to give! I was supposed to mow the lawn!" She turned on Erik. "Since we're all gonna die, I have to tell you this now… I love you, Erik! I've loved you since the moment I saw Gerard Butler's portrayal of you in that movie!"

"I already knew you love me," Erik said dryly. "Every last female in this room loves me!"

"If it makes you feel any better, Erik," Spruce Goose said, "I'm probably the only girl in the world who doesn't analyse your butt. Partially because I'm too young. Also, I'm more of a music fan myself."

"That will be a comforting thought on a cold evening, Jane," Erik muttered.

She practically went ballistic on him. "MY NAME ISN'T JANE!"

"I can't die without first feeling your touch!" MJ cried. "Kiss me, Erik!"

With that, she launched herself at Erik and in seconds had him trapped in a major lip-lock with a lot of tongue action (Happy Victoria Day, MJ).

Elphie rolled her eyes. "Oh, brother…"

"Don't worry, MJ," Invaderoperaghost said. "I've been working on this, and I think this will get us out of here." She held up what appeared to be a ray gun.

"What's that?" Raoul asked, looking a little scared.

"This is a Zap-O-Matic," she answered. "It's fashioned after those ray gun things that the aliens used in War of the Worlds." She grinned. "In the movie, the rays destroyed human cells, leaving only their clothes behind. But I've reversed its frequency. I believe it will help us escape."

"Ooh, it's shiny!" Miss Black Shadow exclaimed. She lunged at Invaderoperaghost. "Let me touch it!"

"No!" Invaderoperaghost cried. "Be careful! Ah!"

The gun accidentally misfired, and Red was hit by the ray!

"No!" Elly cried. "My muse!"

I knew what she was thinking, for I was thinking it too. Red was done for! But when the smoke cleared, we found that Red had not disintegrated. He was still there, perfectly unharmed. Only he was… well… um… there's really no easy way of putting this… He… well, he… Sigh…

He was as naked as the day he was born…

Red didn't seem to be quite aware of what had happened to him. All he knew was that he was currently being ogled by every single girl in the closet.

"What?" he asked.

"Wow," Mrs. Butler breathed. "He totally has Gerry's bod!"

Red looked down at himself and, realizing his lack of attire, turned as red as his clothes had been. He hastily grabbed a cushion off the couch and held it in front of himself, attempting some form of modesty.

"Gerry!" Mrs. Butler squealed as she glomped him again, kissing him like there was no tomorrow.

"Hey, that's my muse!" Elly cried. "Gimme!" She glomped him, too.

Pretty soon, there was a dog pile on Red. Dracula was still half stuck in the wall and, having nothing better to do, started bickering with Fantine.

"You smell like death!" Fantine snapped at him.

"You smell like a five-cent prostitute!" Dracula snapped back.

"I'll slice off your head!"

"I'll rip out your throat!"

I put my hands over my ears and started rocking myself back and forth, trying to block out the sounds of mayhem. "It's chaos!" I cried. "It's maddening!"

Then I heard a sound I thought I'd never hear again.

The sound of the closet door down the tunnel opening!

Everyone stopped what they were doing. The girls got off of Red, Dracula and Fantine stopped arguing, and Raoul stopped brushing his hair.

"Did you hear that, Erik?" I cried. "We're free!"

I was about to boot it down the tunnel when the last person I expected to see emerged from the tunnel.

Adam, my annoying older brother…

"You!" I cried.

"Mom wants you to do your homework now," he said dully.

"Huh?" I was so confused. "How'd you know where to find me?"

Adam rolled his eyes. "I've known about this place forever," he replied. "I read about it in your diary."

"You did what?" I shrieked.

"Yeah, I thought you were just crazy until I actually found the secret entrance."

"You read my diary and snooped around in my closet?" I was ready to throttle him.

"That's not all I did," Adam said with a grin. "I locked you in here, too."

"But why?"

"For my Biology project."

"Biology?" I snickered. "I never have to take that again!"

Adam frowned. "Laugh it up! Anyways, we had to study something of scientific importance. So I decided to observe people's psychotic reactions when forced among people of disagreeing views."

"You've been watching us?" I cried.

Adam shuddered. "Yeah… And believe me, some of it was very hard to watch. Like when Erik had no clothes on? And Raoul lost his pants? And Red got naked? Ew."

"How?"

Adam gestured at the TV. "I put a hidden camera in the TV. I could see the whole room!"

"And the PC? With all the weird things coming out of it?"

Adam grinned. "I programmed a special system that turned your PC into a portal… Clever, eh? Of course, at the end of this experiment the program will automatically delete itself and your computer will be exactly the way it was."

"But what about Mom and Dad?" I cried. "Or Warren, or Ian, or Ozz, or Tamara, or Joel, or Cody, or Krystal, or Mr. Tonkin, or Girdy? Didn't anybody wonder where I was?"

"Of course not!" Adam replied. "I told them that you volunteered to be in my experiment and that you couldn't have any contact with anyone for a few days."

"That was a rotten thing to do!" I growled.

Erik stood up and pulled out his Punjab lasso. "So all this time, we've just been stuck in some sort of claustrophobic psycho ward?"

Adam paused, thinking. "Well…" Then he nodded. "Yup. That's pretty much how it is."

"We should put you in the torture chamber!" Erik snarled. All the phans jumped to their feet to support him.

"And I'm telling your fiancée!" I threatened.

"Sorry, Sis," Adam said as he pulled out a small, cylindrical object, no bigger than a pen. "Tomorrow morning, you won't remember a thing… It's too bad, 'cause I think this is gonna get an A."

Flash.

XxXxX

Sniff… Sniff… The next chapter will be the last!

It won't be very long, though. Just a quicky to wrap it all up. And it'll only be ErikMe. Sorry, guys. It's been fun having all of you in the closet.

Fanfiction commandment: Thou shalt not read thy neighbour's fanfic and not leave a review.