Chapter 6.
Thank you for the reviews! As usual, many thanks to Kodiak for her wisdom and support, and excellentbeta skills. All mistakes are still my own.
Over the next twenty-four hours Sheppard gradually improved, though not enough to lose his nasal cannula or catheter, much to his annoyance. Once I thought he was on the road to recovery, I stopped my vigil at his bedside. In fact I stopped visiting him altogether.
Suddenly I'd felt guilt, and my embarrassment at my cowardly behaviour simply got the better of me. That's not an excuse for abandoning my friend, there was no excuse, but as I had suspected, my recovery wasn't progressing as well as I knew Sheppard's was.
Sadly, I was wrong about Sheppard's physical improvement, as I discovered when Carson caught up with me in my lab, over twenty-four hours since my last visit.
I'd thrown myself into work, which was the only way I knew how to deal with the events I'd had to endure. I think my subconscious had erroneously determined that if I just buried my head in equations and Ancient technology that everything I didn't want to face would magically disappear. As if that would ever really work. Occasionally even I could be obtuse.
"Rodney?" Carson called. I noticed a rather brusque quality to his voice
I answered pretty shortly myself. "Over here. I'm pretty busy, Carson. What do you want?" I knew only too well that he had sought me out in my self-imposed exile to give me a dressing down about not visiting Sheppard.
Carson stood in front of me, forcing me to make eye contact with him.
"You've not been to see the colonel in over a day, and he's been asking where you are. He really could use a friendly face right now, and I can't keep making excuses as to why you're not coming to visit him," he sternly informed me.
Ashamed at my lack of backbone, I acted the way I always did when fear got the better of me– I lashed out, this time Carson becoming the unfortunate victim of my ascerbic tongue.
"Well forgive me for having a demanding job and a life of my own. I didn't realise I was at Colonel Courageous' beck and call! I mean, Sheppard snaps his fingers, and Lassie here heads out to find the brave hero's missing friend, bringing good old Rodney back where he belongs – at the colonel's heel," I yelled.
Carson took a step back at my outburst. "Rodney, I don't think you quite understand…"
"Oh, I understand, Carson. Sheppard is annoyed I'm not grovelling at his bed for forgiveness. I know I screwed up, but I'm not going to lower myself to suck up to him, okay?" I regretted my words instantly. Sometimes I really just couldn't stop myself. I can only presume the guilt had eaten away at me, as acid eats into flesh, and that I'd let my guilty conscience get the better of me, lashing out at an innocent Sheppard , when I needed to look at my own actions, not his.
Carson rarely lost his temper, I mean really lost it. Sure, he whined and complained, and, dare I say –freaked out, but he wasn't an angry sort of man. That is until he was really pushed to his limit – and I'd just succeeded where so many others had failed.
"You really are a self-centred bastard, aren't you, Rodney?" he shouted. "If you'd actually let me finish my sentence, you'd know that the colonel has taken a turn for the worse. Last night, he started running a fever, and in the early hours of this morning he developed pneumonia," Carson explained, and for the first time I noticed the dark circles under his eyes and the fatigue in his face.
"He's been asking for you the whole time. Not because he wants you to, how did you so sensitively put it? Oh yes, 'grovel at his bedside for forgiveness', because he knows you're feeling guilty and he was worried about you."
He looked at me sadly. "You really don't deserve a friend like him. God knows why he puts up with you." He turned to leave, then looked me in the eye. "I shouldn't need to explain to you, that in his present condition worrying about you is not helping his situation. He needs your friendship, and he needs to know you're okay. So get your head out of your arse, and come and see him. If you don't, you'll regret it, especially if he doesn't pull through."
With that he stormed out.
I just stood there, mouth agape, and realised that Carson was right, I had been a completely selfish bastard. While I wallowed in self-pity, avoiding a man who'd selflessly saved my life without hesitation, Sheppard had been worrying about me. He'd then become seriously ill again – and I'd not even known about it.
I suddenly knew what I had to do. I ran out of my lab towards the infirmary, my eyes burning, as I blinked furiously to stop them from watering. As I approached the infirmary, I slowed down and pulled myself together, knowing that Sheppard seeing me in the emotional state I was in would not help him in the least.
On entering the infirmary I heard Sheppard before I saw him. Tucked safely behind privacy screens, the rattling of his wheezy breathing echoed in the large room.
On seeing me, Carson walked forward, and nodded grimly.
"Rodney? Glad you lowered yourself to grace us with your company." He uncharacteristically greeted me with venom in his voice.
"I'm sorry, okay? I screwed up –again. I just want to see him, and apologise. If that's all right?" I asked, hoping Carson would capitulate.
Carson smiled grimly. "Of course you can. I'm afraid he's not doing so well at the moment, so I'll only allow a brief visit. Teyla's sitting with him, but if you want some privacy just ask her for a minute alone with the colonel."
As I pulled back the screen and headed towards Sheppard's bed I was shocked at the scene in front of me. Sheppard was lying in bed, propped almost upright, with an oxygen mask on his face. He was deathly white, with flushed cheeks, sweat beading on his forehead, hair damp and sticking to his head. His breathing was noisy and laboured, and all the various monitors and tubes were still in place.
Teyla sat next to him holding his hand, quietly talking to him. As she heard me approach, she whispered something to Sheppard, and stood. As she passed me, she put a hand on my arm and squeezed it compassionately before leaving.
As I sat down next to Sheppard, he opened his eyes and looked at me, managing a weak smile.
I heard a muffled 'Hey' from under the mask, and struggled to control myself as I realised how seriously ill Sheppard had become.
"I won't bother asking you how you're feeling, as that's pretty evident, isn't it?" I began. "Look, I'm not allowed to stay long, so I'll get straight to the point. I've been a complete jerk, and I'm really sorry." I paused as I heard my voice start to crack with emotion. Coughing to clear my throat, I then continued, "There's no excuse for my behaviour, I felt guilty about what happened on the planet, and I didn't know how to deal with that. You know me, personal relationships aren't exactly my forté. I shouldn't have cut you out like that and I promise it'll never happen again."
Sheppard weakly lifted his arm, reaching out to squeeze my own.
"'S'okay," he croaked, before dissolving into a coughing fit, which set off various alarms, resulting in Carson running in to fuss over his patient.
Carson looked at the monitors and tutted in concern. Turning to Sheppard, he sighed,
"Colonel? Your oxygen saturation levels are continuing to fall. Your lungs are going to need draining, as I discussed earlier. They're full of fluid and that's why you're finding it hard to breathe. I was hoping I wouldn't need to do this, but the antibiotics haven't kicked in yet, and you really will feel better after." He paused, and I noticed a pained look on Carson's face.
"It's going to be a wee bit uncomfortable, I'm afraid. I can give you a local in the area I'm going to insert the needle into, but I can't give you anything for the general pain and discomfort. That could affect your breathing."
Sheppard nodded, and managed a managed to wheeze, "Do it."
"Right. Hang in there, I'll be back in a minute," he soothed, as he gently squeezed Sheppard's shoulder.
Carson wearily massaged his forehead with his hand, before turning to look at me.
"Rodney, I'll be wanting you to wait outside. This isn't going to be pleasant for the colonel," he stated matter-of-factly.
I looked over at Sheppard, and saw the plea in his eyes.
"I think he wants me to stay," I looked at Carson and mirrored Sheppard's expression.
"Colonel, do you want Rodney to stay with you throughout the procedure?" he asked in surprise.
Sheppard nodded again.
Carson appeared to be considering the situation.
"All right. Rodney? Can I have a word with you outside? We'll be right back, Colonel," he said brightly.
I followed Carson outside, swallowing in apprehension as I pondered what lay ahead.
"This is going to be extremely painful for him, Rodney. Are you sure you're up to this? I can't have you fainting on me. He needs your support, and for you to be strong. Can you manage that?" he asked in a warning tone.
I finally summoned all my mettle, and nodded.
"No, I won't faint. Yes, I can and will do this for him. I've let him down badly. I won't make that mistake again." I answered determinedly.
Carson considered my answer.
"Right. The sooner I get this done, the better," he stated, regret in his voice.
I returned to Sheppard's bedside, and babbled nonsensically for what seemed like hours, trying to keep his spirits up, knowing I had a chance to redeem myself.
Carson bustled in, equipment and nurse in tow.
"Rodney, can you help Melissa sit the colonel up? I have to do this with him upright," he informed me, in full-blown professional mode now.
As I helped to carefully sit Sheppard up, I was shocked at the heat radiating from him. He was drenched in sweat, and limp and lifeless as I held onto his left side, the nurse firmly yet carefully supporting him on his right.
"Can both of you keep a firm hold on him?" Carson asked both of us. We both nodded our assent.
Carson then slowly and calmly explained to Sheppard the procedure he was about to perform on him, and as I listened I felt my stomach rebel in protest.
Carson undid Sheppard's gown, slipping it forward off his shoulders, and swabbed his back. As Carson injected the local anaesthetic into the right side of Sheppard's back, I felt him stiffen, but he didn't make a sound. After waiting a few minutes, Carson looked at me and nodded before repeating the action to his nurse.
"Right, Colonel. I'm going to attempt to drain some fluid now. Try to keep as still as you can," he quietly told Sheppard.
"'Kay," Sheppard managed to weakly whisper through the oxygen mask.
As Carson slowly and carefully inserted one of the biggest needles I've ever seen into Sheppard's back he moaned, and I instinctively tightened my grip on him. My hand found his, and I felt his weak grip tighten as he tried to weather the pain.
"Well done, Colonel. I'll try and be as quick as I can," Carson soothed.
As Carson continued to drain fluid from Sheppard's right lung he periodically groaned in pain.
"Right. One down, one to go," Carson cheerfully reported as he withdrew the full syringe, placing it on a tray at the side of the bed. He took his stethoscope and listened to Sheppard's chest.
"Ah, that's much better. You did brilliantly, Colonel," he added.
I gulped as I studied the contents of the syringe, deciding it was perhaps not sensible to think too much about Carson's instruments of voodoo torture.
Carson then repeated the process on Sheppard's left lung, but this time Sheppard cried out as Carson stuck the needle deep into the colonel's back.
I felt impotent, but for once didn't think of myself, instead I soothed and encouraged Sheppard as best as I could, until Carson had finished.
As we gently laid Sheppard back on his pillows, he moaned quietly, but I immediately noticed his breathing sounded less laboured and wheezy.
"You sound much better," I commented, trying to extricate myself from Sheppard's weak grip. He didn't answer, and looking at him, I noticed he was finally sleeping.
The nurse pulled over a chair, and I sat down, Sheppard still clinging loosely to my good hand.
"Carson, is he okay?" I asked in a panic.
Carson sighed, but looking at his face I could see he seemed relieved.
"For the moment. That went really well. Now we just need the antibiotics to do their work, which they should. We've got him on the best one for the bacterial strain he's suffering from. Time will tell though," he answered honestly.
"You did good, Rodney. I think he needed you to get through that," he added. "He's sleeping now, and that's the best thing for him. You'd best be going now and getting some rest yourself," Carson instructed me.
I didn't want to leave Sheppard, not after I'd so badly let him down.
"Can I sit with him for a little while? I don't want to leave till I know he's going to get better," I begged.
"All right. I'll get Shelly to bring you something to eat." Carson smiled approvingly.
"You came through for him when he really needed you, Rodney. That's what friendship is really about," he wisely told me.
I nodded, and thought about Carson's words. Epiphanies rarely occurred in my life, but I'd learned that day that being a true friend meant putting aside my own insecurities, issues and feelings, to ensure someone I cared about got the support and help they needed. Despite the pain I felt, I realised I wanted to be Sheppard's friend, as it would be far more painful not to be. I resolved there and then never to let Sheppard down again. Maybe I was finally getting better at the friendship game after all. I just hoped I'd still have a friend to rely on me, and I waited again at Sheppard's beside, my vigil not quite so lonely this time.
Tbc.