It was dinnertime in the main hall. Sitting next to Draco, Web didn't feel much like eating listening to the disgusting chewing and slobbering sounds all but Malfoy were making.
Though the amazingly articulate way Malfoy cut his steak was starting to freak her out too.
For the fifty-seventh time that evening, Web looked down at her steak and realized that the probable reason she didn't feel like eating was that she didn't actually eat meat. In light of this new fact, she informed the closest person.
"Draco, I don't eat meat."
Draco spat his mouthful into Pansy Parkinson's down turned face.
"Shit! Sorry Pansy!" he turned to Web, "You what?"
"I don't eat meat." Repeated Web
Draco raised one perfectly shaped blonde eyebrow.
"Ok," Web began, sighing dejectedly, "See this?" She motioned to the steak on her own plate.
"Yeah…"
"This is what we call meat."
Draco made a "duh"ing sound. She glowered.
"Anyway," she continued fiercely, "I don't eat it. You follow?"
"Uh…" Draco said with the tone of a four year old learning that 1+12. "Well… ok… but why?"
Web fixed him with an icy glare.
"Is that really the point Draco? Is ANYTHING?" she sighed, staring up at the bewitched ceiling.
Draco squeaked and sunk into his chair.
"So my point was," Web announced huffily, "was that I would like some OTHER food."
"Well, unless you call brussel sprouts food, there is none. You'll have to starve." Pansy butted in with an air of superiority, her face clearly reading:
'AreyouokayDracoit'llbeokayDracoi'llhelpyouDracodon'tworryhand'soffhe'smine!'
"What are you talking about Pansy? There are plenty of non-meat products on the table!" Draco exclaimed, sweeping his arm toward the pile of unwashed potatoes at the end of the table.
"Uhh… well…"
"Meh. I wasn't hungry anyway." Said Web casually, stalking out. Goyle made an 'ooh'ing sound.
This 'ooh' was not in any way related to Web leaving, but he did 'ooh' and I just felt it was interesting enough to include it.
"Whew, Freeeee-ak." Pansy said, but her face clearly read 'I wonder how long Draco's gonna be with that steak.'
"Shut UP Pansy you fat heifer," Draco said, "Here, have my parsley, it will remind you of mwa." He walked out after Web.
Pansy watched him go, a faraway look on her face. Then, looking around to make sure EVERYONE was watching, she hastily seized the parsley, shoved it into her robes and ran off screaming "He loooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooves me!"
Hermione noted this with satisfaction. And when I say noted, I mean she really noted this. She had written a word-by-word account it her new 'Spygirl' notebook, by using her new 'Spygirl-thingy-to-overhear-people's-conversations-that-we-say-is-sneaky-but-is-actually-big-and-clunky-and-purple-and-everyone-can-see-it'.
She knew that by using her new 'Spygirl-thingy-to-overhear-people's-conversations-that-we-say-is-sneaky-but-is-actually-big-and-clunky-and-purple-and-everyone-can-see-it' she was contradicting herself, as it was electronic, and as we all know one of Hermione's favourite quotes (of herself, she also had them written in her 'Spygirl' notebook) was "Electronics don't work in Hogwarts! I read it in 'Hogwarts: A History'."
But Hermione didn't care.
Although Malfoy WAS as hot as he was, she had an inkling he was gay, and besides, Web seemed to like Draco and NOT Harry, who was uncomfortably interested in previously mentioned slutface. And if all else failed, she heard Draco say 'heifer' which was a big 'um-mah' (and also a MAJOR turn-on).
This made Hermione happy.
Harry and Ron, in the meantime, were STILL talking about the new sex-kitten/plaything/porn star/ahem, girl that had supposedly rescued Harry from a bombardment of blenders. She swung around in her chair, rolling her eyes as she did so.
"I have explained this HOW many times tonight? And STILL you won't listen! She didn't SAVE you, she just happened to be there when you came to! Why, if I hadn't been there…"
She aimed her wand at a brussel sprout which had just marched onto the table carrying a sign that read 'Eat Me!" muttered 'diediediedamnbrusselssprout!' and it exploded all over Seamus.
Seamus was not having a good day.
"If you hadn't been there WHAT Hermione?" Ron challenged, then put his head down and stared at his plate, expecting a slap on the back of the head.
Hermione muttered something about 'insane sex-starved Slytherin's', then pushed her plate away and ran off in the general direction of the library.
"What the?" Ron exclaimed, staring at her retreating buttocks. "I think she's been using that Spygirl thingy, she's acting stupid again."
He motioned over his shoulder where Hermione was darting from wall to wall holding her finger's in the shape of a handgun, and diving into a roll every now and again, spy-style.
"Ohhhh, you mean the 'Spygirl-thingy-to-overhear-people's-conversations-that-we-say-is-sneaky-but-is-actually-big-and-clunky-and-purple-and-everyone-can-see-it-and-we're-not-allowed-to-say-we-can-see-it-coz-she'll-hurt-us?" Harry asked, staring at her as she spread her legs, aimed her "handgun" at Peeves and fired.
"Exactly."
"Oh."
"Yeah, she had that big clunky purple diary thing out too, but as you'll be happy to know, it didn't have your name all over the page again."
"Oh really? So what did it say?" Harry and Ron had apprehended the notebook one night while Hermione was asleep and read through it. All the pages contained Harry's name in varying states of legibility.
"I dunno, something about Web and Draco having deformed children in a gutter and her stabbing them to death and heifers."
Ron shrugged. Suddenly a change came over Harry's complacent face.
"Wait; did you say Web and DRACO?"
"Yep."
"WHAT?" Harry jumped out of his seat, a murderous look on his face.
"Geez Harry, you only met the girl today, calm DOWN."
"Who?"
"Web?"
"Oh. Right." He took a seat and tried to look knowledgeable.
Ron gave him a puzzled look.
"I mean, YEAH! What a HOTTIE. Totally do HER up the ass."
"WHAT?"
"I mean, um… yeah."
Ron gave him a sceptical look, and then returned to eating his chicken. A few moments later, Harry cut him off with a scream of "DON'T THINK ABOUT IT!" which caused Ginny to fall off her chair.
"I didn't know you could mind read." Said Ron dully, who had been looking forward to discussing techniques with Harry over dessert.
"I can't." said Harry, realizing immediately that he must have been right, and beaming.
Earlier that morning, Harry had found a book that said in bold black letters:
'MIND READING FOR DUMMIES - YOU TOO CAN LEARN THE ART OF STATING THE OBVIOUS AT THE RIGHT TIME! THIS IS PROPERTY OF SNAPE! LEAVE IT ALONE OR I'LL FORCE VERITASERUM DOWN YOUR THROAT!" So of course he had picked it up and read it right there, cross-legged, on Snape's desk. Those kinds of things NEVER get you into trouble.