Web sank into an oversized armchair in front of the fire. No one was back from dinner yet, so she had the entire tower to herself. She had considered a great many activities to pass the time, such as setting the decorative pillows alight or cursing Pansy's toiletries, but instead decided to sit down. On a chair. A new experience for both her, and the chair.

"So this is it. Was it as good for you?" she asked the chair.

Before it could answer, Draco stalked into the room arguing with Crabbe and Goyle about their loss of a four course meal for the night.

"You expect us to survive on only THREE steaks ALL FUCKING NIGHT?" demanded Crabbe, blocking the way any further up the stairs that lead the boy's dormitory.

Web laughed at loud at the statement. Having not noticed that she was actually there, the three suffered varying states of panic. Goyle, as usual, fled the scene. Crabbe screamed and jumped into Draco's arms, who had no real reaction except for doing a slight double-take.

"Hello?" asked Crabbe shakily. In the silence that followed, Draco crashed backwards into the wall under Crabbe's weight and Crabbe bounced down to the floor, emitting a wail on each and every stair.

"Hi." Answered Web, raising her head above the chair to give them a condescending smile. "It's me."

"Hey!" said Draco, "Where'd you go?" He waved Crabbe and Goyle away as they snuck past him to get to the feast.

"Oh, I dunno..." Web muttered sarcastically, "Where am I?"

Draco stared at her.

"Don't worry." Web crossed her legs very purposefully as Draco crossed the room and sat in the chair next to her.

"So, what's to do in this place?"

"I can think of a couple of things…" Draco muttered suggestively.

Web raised an eyebrow coyly. "Oh? Like what?"

"Well, we could go for a walk!" Draco said excitedly.

Web allowed the full impact of that statement to sink in. "I see. There's nothing… else… you can think of?"

Draco stared at her again, then, slowly, "But... I like walks! But… if you wanted to do something else…"

"Never mind. Shall we?" Web got up and left the common room, Draco following with a running commentary on just how interesting walks could be.

Web noticed about 10 minutes into the walk, in which she was completely and utterly lost, that Draco had paused.

"Draco? And then the squid…?"

Draco didn't answer, but instead stared straight past her.

"Potter? Weasley? Granger?" he asked incredulously

Web spun around. Harry, Hermione and Ron were sitting in a line along a windowsill like birds on a wire, bathed in moonlight, laughing like jackasses.

"Yes Malfoy?" cackled Hermione

"Maybe he wants a quickie 'miney!" Ron stage-whispered

"Ha, you wish!" Draco snarled hurriedly, glancing about to make sure there were no paparazzi hidden in the shadows, scribbling down this last remark with gleeful expressions.

"What is UP with them?" Web asked quietly

Draco shrugged and pulled a face.

Web walked over to them disbelievingly. Harry almost fell off the windowsill as he spoke.

"So what have you naughty heads been doing?"

Shrieks of laughter filled the corridor.

"Blenders?" Draco questioned from in the shadows, as Web tapped Ron on the head. His composure didn't change at all, although his laughter became more and more like a chipmunk on helium.

"Maybe someone put them under a curse or something."

BANG!

"What the hell was that?"

Ron, Harry and Hermione's chorus of giggles had died down. All of a sudden they were very solemn. Ron whispered something to Hermione, who relayed it to Harry. As if planned, they then all started giggling in unison.

Web looked around.

"That sounded very much like someone or something falling over. Or being pushed. One of the two anyway." Web contemplated.

"Yeah..." Wondered Draco

"Very well done Malfoy." Harry said lamely, sitting up straight. He then attempted to mimic him.

Of course this was side-splittingly funny.

"You know, they could be drunk." Draco said, as Web started to walk into complete darkness, looking for the source of the bang.

Before she could reply, she tripped and fell over a large moving mass.

"Web?"

MMPH!

"Ow!" Web sat up. "What the hell? Lumos!"

Web had pulled out her wand and it was now lit up in front of her. Nothing. She turned around.

With the combined light of Draco and Web's lit wands, they located the source of both the bang and the thing Web had tripped over.

Snape and McGonagall were lying on the cold floor going at it like rabbits.

"Ewwwww!" Web squealed indignantly.

"My, doesn't that sober you up fast." Harry exclaimed calmly.

"Yes. Let's go now." Said Hermione.

Ron was still laughing. Hermione cuffed him around the head. "Ron! It isn't funny anymore!"

"Oh, yeah."

At that, they all jumped off the windowsill and walked off.

"Maybe they were drunk." Pondered Web.

MOOOOOOOAAAAAAAANNNNNNNNNNNNN!

"Come on, let's go!" Draco said, grabbing her arm and running.

Web was giggling like an idiot and gasping for breath as they ran along the corridor attempting not to throw up. Reaching the entrance to the school grounds, Web staggered drunkenly over to a tree and leaned against it, where as Draco preferred to stand, doubled over with mirth.

"OK, that was really, really, really nasty!"

"Yes... quite interesting... if anything..." she said, looking quite unfortunate and discomforted.

Draco shuddered in agreement. "I TOLD you walks could be interesting!" He then beamed.

Web rolled her eyes. "Yes…"

Draco sat down on a conveniently placed bench.

"So." He said, motioning for her to sit down. "Where are you from anyway?"

"A place." Web said. The look on his face prompted further conversation.

"All right, all right. I was being stupid. I got the letter for Hogwarts and I WANTED to go, but NOO, it's too FAR Web, we can't MOVE Web, you'll have to go to the nearest AUSTRALIAN school Web, we're SORRY Web but NO Web, nah nah nah nah NAH!"

She rolled her eyes contemptuously.

"So I go there for years and then OH GREAT GOD! Daddy darling gets a TRANSFER to the Ministry of Magic and all of sudden 'oh, WEB, you can go to HOGWARTS now that you HAVE friends... we hope you're not PISSED OFF AT US or anything!' 'Oh, of course not mother, that's just FINE with ME, not that I HAVE a CHOICE!'"

Web looked at Draco who was actually nodding in agreement.

"So then we move into this house near London and OH JOY now I get to make NEW friends!"

"So, what, you don't want to make new friends?" asked Draco, looking somewhat dejected. Draco loved to make friends. His favourite way to make friends was by getting drunk and insulting people. It was one of his favourite hobbies.

"It's not I don't WANT to make new friends, but I wish I didn't have to leave the old ones… and start all over again… you know…"

"Oh yeah…"

The conversation died off. Web stared off into the night sky, watching the stars twinkle. She looked down to watch Draco.

He was quite hot. Damn… he was VERY hot.

"So Draco…" Web started, angling her body towards his. "Are you taken?"

"Uh…."

Web leaned in, kissing him slowly, but forcefully. Unfortunately, an unwanted spectator was about to make his presence known.

"You're in trouble now..." came a voice from the shadows. Filch's face appeared.

"How long do you think he's been watching?" Draco whispered, alarmed.

"You're off to the 'eadmasters office sonny Jim!" Filch said, cursing himself for not remaining quiet for longer so he could've seen some more action.

Web groaned to herself, Filch's face hardened and he frog marched them up the stairs.

They arrived in a well lit up room. A pile of porn mags, a broken mace, scrolls of parchment, a dildo, an eagle feather quill resting in a jar of ink, and a caged phoenix rested on the desk near them. Shelves were stacked full of all sorts of explicit dugs... I mean, of course, the sorting hat and a sort of wand that squeaked like a loose door hinge. In fact, the room had everything BUT the headmaster.

In fact, the only people in the room were Web and Draco. Filch had already left, after hissing "Later big boy," to Draco.

"We're all alone." Web mentioned, to break the ensuing silence.

A smirk crept slowly onto Draco's face.

Before they knew what they were doing, the things on Dumbledore's desk were swept on to the floor with a loud smashing sound.

What they did next made the watching phoenix die and come back to life three times...

The door creaked open. It was Dumbledore. His jaw dropped open, and stayed open as he approached the desk. He tripped over his beard.

"How dare you make me trip over! I am the almighty and powerful Lord Voldemort! Die evil fiends, die die die die die!... I mean, ahem, what do you two think you are doing?" roared Dumbledore from the centrefold of Playboy, which his head was currently buried in.

"Mmmph!" said Web.

In a blind rage Dumbledore locked the two in the kitchen.