"What the hell is a computer Harry?" demanded Ron dubiously.
"It's a big box-like thing that people use to type." Harry said, sighing in aggravation.
"What's a type?"
"Ron!" Hermione scolded, smiling but shaking her head in disbelief.
"Not a type, like typing..." Harry frowned thoughtfully and his stomach made a realistic sounding lion's roar, "Where the HELL is the food?" (I swear to god I wrote this part before the third movie came out guys. I swear it.)
As if it was planned, the food appeared on the plates. However, so did something quite unexpected.
On the staff table, in place of the food, Web and Draco - making out passionately -appeared.
After a few moments, the two noticed the change in scenery and jumped to their feet, both turning a deep shade of red. Even the affronted looks on each and every one of the staff members' faces could not overshadow the deeply embarrassed looks on both Draco and Web's faces. Web looked mildly amused by the sudden turn in events, while Draco's face became steadily redder and redder, before running from the room. Web was at his heels, only pausing to reach over Harry's head and take a piece of toast on the way out. As soon as they were out of earshot the room burst into conversation. Most of the room was laughing, except for the girls at the Slytherin table, Ron and Harry.
Both of their jaws were in their plates. Hermione, wiping tears from her eyes, caught sight of the two. She closed their jaws roughly, and then slapped them across the face.
"OW!" yelled Ron, clapping his hand to his cheek. Then, "Why is there bacon on my chin?"
Hermione brushed it away brusquely.
"BECAUSE." she started, putting great emphasis on the 'cause', "Your bottom jaw was in your bacon only a while ago."
She ignored Ron rubbing egg off his chin with a humiliated look plastered on his face.
Ron stabbed his sausage. "Well, ummmmmmmm, hmmmm."
Hermione's eyes flashed dangerously "Snap OUT of it you two!"
"Mumble mumble sex mumble mumble MY TOAST mumble mumble Hermione." Harry said knowledgeably.
"Well!" she cried angrily, going to stab her bacon with her fork but impaling Neville Longbottom's hand to the table instead.
"HERMIONE!" he cried shrilly at the top of his lungs
"Oh FUCK!" she shouted, and, grabbing her plate and throwing it in his face, she stormed out.
"Ow?" said Neville
"Ooooooooh, you swore!" said Ginny
"Shut up Ginny." said Neville, placing a lemon meringue pie in her face.
"Thank you." Ginny said, muffled by the cream in her mouth.
Draco and Web had recovered to the Slytherin room, and were talking animatedly.
"Gawd, did you SEE Trelawney's face? She was so shocked she jumped back and her glasses fell into her tea!" she exclaimed, snorting with laughter, "Can you just imagine what everyone is gonna think!"
Draco grimaced over-dramatically "Don't remind me."
As he said that, Snape swept into the room and picked his way disdainfully through the mess left from the night before. He stood in front of them menacingly.
"What," he hissed through gritted teeth, "was THAT?" He looked into Web's face, so close she could see the greasy roots of his hair crawling with lice.
"It may have been one of your teeth falling out Professor, considering the state they're in," Draco answered from beneath her, attempting to keep a straight face. He, of course, succeeded; because he was covered by Web's large arse and no one could see his face.
Web sniggered.
Snape snarled, unable to control a twitch above his left eye. "Do you not understand the severity of this?" he whispered.
"Um..." Web looked at her nails pretending to be deep in thought, "No."
"I see. Well, the headmaster wants to see you. I'm sure HE can explain it to you." He said, stepping back and looking very pleased with himself.
Web snorted very amusingly.
"Hurry up then!" Snape said impatiently
Web got up and followed Snape out of the common room. He led the way to Dumbledore's office, snarling "Cocaine" at the statues and storming up the stairs.
"Hello Severus." Greeted Dumbledore, welcoming him inside.
"And you two." He added.
They walked inside, the phoenix emitting a low wolf-whistle as they entered.
"Fawkes?" Dumbledore said, taken aback
For a phoenix, Fawkes was very surprisingly able to smile slyly.
"Well, I suppose you can both guess why you are here." He started, with much less of a kind twinkling in his eye.
"Uh... yeah... I think..." Web answered, noticing Snape was hovering oddly next to the desk, peering down Dumbledore's robes.
She thanked the stars he wasn't standing next to her.
"So you understand why we are taking this so seriously."
"Mmmmmm... no." Draco cleared his throat in a rather undignified way and continued in a hushed theatrical voice, "I mean, it was just SEX."
"What do you mean?" Snape choked on his own spit and fell on the floor.
Web was bewildered, despite being amused by Snape rolling around on the floor gasping for breath. "Some people." She muttered.
"Well you see..." Dumbledore's normally composed face was turning a pinkish tinge as he struggled for words to explain.
"Well, uh, you see, uh, well, we just can't have such matters so... undecently exposed at school. It isn't... good... no... uh... it's not right..."
Web arched an eyebrow.
After a few seconds of uncomfortable silence, the colour in Dumbledore's face slowly drained.
"Right, well the simple fact is both of you have certain… relationships… that should..."
"I think what Dumbledore is trying to say is that we are going to have to ask you to leave Hogwarts. For the rest of the year." Snape interrupted, and then nodded gravely at Dumbledore, who stuttered obliviously in agreement.
"What? Why? What in hell?" Web asked, still amused by Snape's antics, but hearing the word leaving and assuming it was bad.
"THAT'S NOT FAIR!" yelled Draco, "Snape and McGonagall did worse than that last night but they're both still teaching!"
Snape had positioned himself again on Dumbledore's desk, one leg crossed over the other, head tilted to one side. Dumbledore's face went white and he shoved Snape off the desk, and then crossed his arms with a stormy look on his face.
"This is RIDICULOUS!" Draco bawled.
"Don't take it so HARD Draco. Think of it as ALONE time!" He attempted to nudge him in the ribs, which didn't quite work given he was sitting on the opposite side of the desk to him.
The room went silent for a few minutes. "I have no idea what Minerva sees in you." Said Dumbledore quietly.
"Oh!" Snape said loudly as his eyes flew open, "Just because she doesn't go for older men!" he jumped to his feet and began doing a complicated, menacing solo version of the foxtrot.
"How dare you!" Thundered Dumbledore, getting to his feet and whipping what Web hoped was a wand out from his robes.
"Excuse me?" Web said timidly
"WHAT?" roared Snape and Dumbledore at the same time.
"What do you want us to do?"
"Go and pack. Or go on an escapade. Do something. I dunno... you leave after dinner. Now piss off. Me and Severus need some... time." Dumbledore said, winking at Snape as he finished speaking.
Web had a stunned look on her face. Draco caught her eye and mouthed, "Run."
They quickly walked out of the room, trying to ignore the scattering and scraping sounds coming from behind them.
"Hmm." Draco began "That was... entertaining."
"Lovely how well the professors seem to get on isn't it." Web replied