"Did he say when they would be here?" Web's mother asked

"Nah." Web looked up from the TV, quickly stuffing the empty moon sugar wrapper under the lounge, "I mean… umm… around 11 think." (Lady Fuschia, you're my hero!)

"You think? That's 2 hours away Web! Why did you have to be ready so early?"

"I didn't. I just wanted to watch cartoonies before they got here." Web said enthusiastically, bouncing up onto the white lounge and crossing her legs. Web's mum shook her head and began leaving the room.

"Hey mum!" Web called. It was a commercial break.

"Yeah?"

"If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?"

"Huh?" asked her mum, walking into the room again.

"If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?" she repeated patiently, holding back a grin.

"Testicle... OH WEB!"

Web burst into hysterics as her mother left the room shaking her head.

Her father came in and lifted her off the mat she had been rolling around on while shaking with laughter. "Web?"

Web nodded, grinning hugely and tears streaming down her face.

"Did they say how they were getting here?" he asked, knowing in his heart of hearts that his daughter was not on drugs of any sort, shape or form.

Web shook her head, grinning hugely and tears streaming down her face.

"Well, I hope that they aren't using Floo powder."

Web's eyes widened, her grin fading quickly and the tears stopped. After a moment, "Sure you do." Web mocked.

"Yes I do!" her father said quickly, ignoring her look and gazing untiringly out the window. There was a knock on the door.

"That'll be them!" he said, way too happily to be serious and skipping to the door. He paused, and then opened it slowly.

"Lucius." He said, cold as steel.

"Hello Potpan." Lucius said, not thanking him for holding the door open as he strutted into the room. Another woman followed him in uncertainly. When he sat down, she did. When he moved, she moved. When he opened his mouth to speak, she cowered as if he was going to hit her. Which, he probably would if they were at home. Or at least, so Web thought.

"So. Are you Web?" he asked, looking Web directly in the face.

"Uhuh." She said, noticing his eyes travelling slowly down her body. She got up quickly. "Uh." She wasn't actually quite sure what she was going to do once got up, but she HAD to get up.

"I'll um... go and get my things... heh heh." She dashed out of the room, up the stairs and into her room. It was slightly absent of most things, including the second floor of clothes.

She grabbed a trunk covered in pink glitter; scuff marks and holes that seemed to have been made from a foot flying angrily through the polished wood.

She attempted to do a lift similar to those weightlifters she had seen on TV. However, she staggered under the tremendous weight of it and crashed backwards into the wall. Bang! The wall fell down under her weight, which had approached the same weight as a baby elephant under all her clothes (although most were so skimpy you wouldn't have thought they weighed anything), and she ended up sprawling on the carpeted floor of her mum and dad's Jacuzzi room. There was an assortment of ghouls having fun in the tub as she got up. They yelled at her irritably.

"Sorry…" she said.

"Uh?"

"Speak English?"

"Nein."

"Um." Web got up and backed out the door quickly. She shut it, rubbed the swelling lump on her head and walked to the wall. She grabbed her trunk and kicked another hole in it. Hopping around the room and cursing loudly, she decided to attempt to fix the wall. Many rolls of Sellotape and Lycra later, she walked downstairs with a triumphant look on her plaster-covered face. Spoonwood, her mother, was talking to Lucius about what sounded to Web like super wool quilts that can kill beastly and bothersome cockroaches.

"Web," began Potpan, "Why do you have plaster all over your face and why are your pants also covered in afore-mentioned filth?"

"Well, it all began with a penguin and a mushroom shaped child. They went to a hardware store to buy a pineapple but found they had left their chicken buying license in the middle of a large prawn."

"All right, are you people done? I have tea with vol..man in a few hours."

"Who's vole-man?" questioned Spoonwood.

"None of your business mudblood lover!" screamed Lucius

"WHAT?" thundered Potpan

"Never do business with muddled up lava?" Lucius offered, a crooked halo appearing conveniently on his silver blonde head.

"Hmm." Said Spoonwood unhappily.

"Would anyone like a waffle?" asked Web. The other people in the room ignored her question.

"Are we going?" Narcissa piped up from the lounge. Lucius swept around to glance at her, glared, then kept glaring as he turned to look at Web. "Well?"

"Uh, yeah, I guess!" Web said happily, ignoring the hugs offered to her by her parents and skipping to the door, now holding her trunk like it was the basket Dorothy held in The Wizard of Oz.

Potpan and Spoonwood sighed exasperatedly in unison, watching her leave. The matching black silk cloaks of Narcissa and Lucius sweeping out behind her quickly completely ruined her drugged-up-and-staggenng exit.

Lucius and Narcissa followed, screaming at their cloaks to "come back before you are blown into a bazillion smoking pieces all over England!"

Web came to a halt just outside the door. In front of her was a long black stretch limo with huge white wings. She clapped a hand to her mouth and squealed.

"Yes, we're going in that." Said Lucius, putting a hand on her shoulder and looking out at the limo proudly.

"I FORGOT MY MOBILE!" screamed Web, completely and utterly ignoring Lucius' pompous remark. A few horrified scream filled moments later, Web arrived at the door, clutching a brick that could hardly be called a mobile.

"Do you have power points?" she questioned, holding up a short stubby lead.

Lucius and Narcissa scoffed in unison, resulting in a sound that was much like an escaped bush pig with rabies proposing to a kangaroo. (I swear I'm not using drugs, but that did indeed come out of my imagination. Just imagine it! HAHA! The priest could be a koala.)

She pushed in front of them, saw the limo and fell into a half-faint. Lucius, by reflex, caught her before she hit the ground in front of his Draco-spit-polished shoes. Narcissa stopped herself bellowing like a gargoyle who had come alive and wanted revenge on pigeons worldwide and attacking Web, but rather fished the keys to the car out of Lucius' pockets with great ease, considering he was doubled over wheezing (he hadn't had that much physical activity for a long time), unlocked it and settled herself inside like lady muck. Web took one look at Lucius, whose face was steadily becoming redder, and fled to the limo, flung open the door and threw herself in. She skidded along the leather seat and crashed into the car phone.

"Oops." She said, as it was lobbed out the open window and clattered to the driveway outside with an explosion noise. Narcissa stuck her head around the seat like a snake, hissed at her (revealing pointy cat teeth) and clawed at her hair (with cat claws!) Web beat her away and sat there staring at her until Lucius joined them. He was grasping at a stitch at his side, and let out a microscopic moan of pain as he sidled into the driver's seat and started the engine with his wand.

"For heavens sake!" snapped Narcissa, handing him the key, "What are you going to do if the law enforcement officers pull us over?"

Web's correction of "they're called police" was ignored.

"Kill them?" suggested Lucius

"NO!" roared Narcissa, her face splitting into a harpy-like evil grin, "You will show them your licence. And what will you say if they ask why our car is running without a KEY in there?"

Webs correction of "I don't think they'll be asking about a missing friggin' key considering you have friggin' wings on your friggin' car" was also ignored.

"Kill them." said Lucius carefully, a look of recognition dawning over his face slowly as he brandished his wand in what he must have thought was a threatening manner.

"No," Narcissa growled, "You do not kill them, you do not get into that situation, okay."

"Okay... and then we kill them!" Lucius sounded like a very small child being taught how to say 'cat'.

"NO!" screamed Narcissa, provoked by his idiocy. She appeared to Web like Cruella de Ville in the Disney version of 101 Dalmatians.

"Testing wacko planet! Come in wacko planet! 1,2,3, wacko planet you're on the air!" said Web like a radio announcer from the back seat. They both turned to stare at her.

"Now I have your attention, would you care to know there is a man made of dough rolling steadily towards you?" Web said simply.

"No, we would not." said Narcissa, in the tone similar that the incredibly stupid bad guys on Disney movies that they take on when making a decision which always causes them to get caught out in rather embarrassing ways, such as Cruella de Ville in the not animated version of 101 Dalmatians (or 102 Dalmatians, take your pick).

"Now, where were we?" asked Narcissa, who was somewhat distantly related to the infamous Cruella de Ville.