Fuck. That was her thought at the small noise he made, as she tried to keep her hands from shaking like crazy and just make the words come out. She couldn't get it all out in order, just needed him to know if she had to say it. She had made the words come out and then she looked up, having to see his face and watched him look like he would be sick.
Part of her was panicking but she just stayed still, not looking at him while he got himself together and then she heard him toe off his shoes and felt the bed dip.
"Are you okay?" She asked quietly and wished there was something more interesting on the duvet than plain white. It was soft but there was nothing to trace or touch.
"Yeah. I just, it's just that you were there and that happened to you." She didn't look up and didn't know what to say to that, it didn't say all that much.
"I'm sorry." He said quietly and she did look up then. He was looking at her hands and she didn't know how to say what she meant, trying was all she could think to do. Absently she wished she was still kissing him. That wasn't familiar but it wasn't gut twisting like this.
"I don't want that here, apologies." She said quietly and met his eyes. "I'm sorry too. It's not my fault but I could have been someone else's problem too." This got down to the heart of it. All the issues wrapped up together and he wasn't a stranger but she didn't know him. Sex was one thing but the deep parts of her were another. Hell, everyone knew about the Rites but very few knew about this. Six people knew now, other than her and that felt like too many. Made it more real every time someone knew. More people to share glances with and to know when something hit too close to the mark. Comments that didn't hit the target they meant to but instead sliced parts of her they didn't know were raw.
"I don't know how to explain any of what I feel." His words sounded frustrated and she looked away from the clear overwhelm that was all she could see on his face.
Not knowing what to do and feeling exposed and scared, too familiar a set of feelings. Scared of what would happen or not happen, scared that she was stuck with this and just had to deal. They could probably get along somewhat, compromise and rub along. They both loved Sabrina and she wasn't scared of him so it could just happen somehow. That was what she thought as she looked down and then around her a bit frantically. There were pillows and she stared at the big one and the smaller one. Then decided and rearranged herself so she was laying down and had her head on the smaller pillow and the oversized one clutched to her front. Then she met his eyes again and felt a bit better.
Those stormy eyes didn't look angry. She didn't know him well enough to be able to read what she could see on his face either. Twice she thought he would speak and he didn't. The third time he met her eyes and she thought he wanted to say something, she nodded. Needing him to speak and hoping she could just deal with whatever he said.
"Are you alright?" It was a serious question and she nodded then cleared her throat at his clear wait for something more
"Yes, I get bad cramps but there are potions and things." She took a breath and then set her face stubbornly and made sure he noticed. "It sucks the life potential from the egg I release every month. The baby it could be." This was how she thought of it and how it felt when she curled up in her bed or on a couch with a hot water bottle and tried not to think about it, or to think about how she would win. They would win and the magic would be gone.
"Can I lay down with you?" He had been looking at what he could see of her around the pillow. She tried not to show her surprise and nodded, then moved into the middle so there was room either way. This bed was ridiculous.
He crawled across the bed and behind her and then she felt him rearrange a pillow under his head and then his hands were on her waist and he slowly pulled her to him, then wrapped himself around her and she just hugged the pillow and tried to be alright. He was touching her and didn't seem repulsed. It was at least a few minutes before he moved at all and she wasn't surprised to feel him speak.
"A bonding will fix this?" He asked quietly and she nodded, then knew she would have to say something.
"Salter, my healer. He was far more encouraged after Luna came and we talked about using ritual magic. He hadn't suggested it, or even considered it I don't think but it's a foreign magic and blocking the bond from creating life." He was still and then he hugged her tighter to him. One of his arms around her hips and the other across her stomach and up to her shoulder.
"If that's, if you want that. Part of ritual magic is intent." She made herself add this on. Not knowing him meant she didn't know.
"You do, you want that." He said quietly and she nodded. Trying to just be honest and not feel like less than a normal woman. Wanting kids wasn't that outlandish of a thing to want.
"With me? You think we can convince the magics?" Why did he ask her that? How could she know if he wanted kids enough that the bond would do what it was supposed to. Time passed and she decided she would have to speak. Luna and Pansy had both told her that she should speak her mind. That if she didn't he definitely wouldn't. What Luna knew, she wasn't sure but she did phrase things oddly though clearly and it usually paid off to listen.
"I know that I want that. To have a baby. To have kids, maybe two or three. Even one though. One to give everything none of us got." He took a breath, she could feel the slight movements with his body so tightly around hers, and she decided to answer his real question.
"Yes with you. There was a war and I don't think about it, excepting the vague fear I wouldn't be raped or whatever. I didn't really think about sex or the future. Then it was over and there was Sabrina and Sinclair. After, after it happened. I got as much healing as they could give me and the marks are gone. None of us knew how to tell if there was internal damage. Not critical but something that didn't affect my regular bodily function. Then after I thought about it, about the excruciating cramps and how it had felt that day. It unlocked my magic, what was cloaking my family magics. It was bad. So I told Blaise when we talked about what to do after our NEWTs. He was appalled, I mean it took a few days for him to broach the topic again but he couldn't believe I didn't know, that I hadn't seen someone." She stopped and felt him hold his breath and then kept going.
"I found a private healer. That took a while but it felt like the most important thing. That I could trust that person, their discretion and their knowledge. I found him and explained. Never have I been so grateful for the masks some of you wear so easily. He didn't flinch or react in any way other than respect and curiosity. He takes care of Sabrina and Sin too. So I finally cracked and told Pansy and Luna. Only Blaise knew and he was running out of patience with my lack of trying I think. It felt hopeless and the way the healer talked, it would be hard. Long and hard to get rid of it. Then Luna said it certainly could be dealt with. In her way, as if it were no question at all. So we went to Salter again and Luna stayed after my appointment and then he requested to speak to me." The hand on her hip had started gently rubbing up and down her side. It felt nice and it was hard to tell him this but she knew he had to know. That he didn't know, it felt dishonest. This was his future too.
"He hadn't considered it. Not even as a possibility but Luna must have made it clear that I wasn't frightened of the magic. Pansy explained to me some of how she would have felt if it were presented to her as an option. To tie herself to someone in such a tight way. With nowhere to hide or even just something she didn't understand, very few are bonded. It isn't like that though. I was already tied to you and, and if you don't want to then we will try the other way. I know Salter and Blaise have both been adding to that plan and so have I." That was it. She couldn't keep going and then she remembered his question. About having a baby with him.
"This all meant that I thought about it a lot. My fertility and you. That it was your chance for an heir, a child if you had thought about it like that. You are the only person I've ever really thought about having a baby with and I know how ritual magic feels. Wanting it enough, it won't be a problem." She felt the tear slide from her eye and be absorbed in the pillow beneath her head.
It felt freeing, in a bitter way, to tell him. To share something that had been hers for so long. She knew her friends cared but it was her life. It was his life too and as she lay there and felt two more tears slide over the bridge of her nose to meet the pillow, she felt him breathe carefully. The breaths slowed as she too calmed down. It all felt as crushing as before but he knew now and that was better than his ignorance had been.
If he touched her, or kissed her like earlier or was even just considering life, then she wanted him to do it knowing more of who she was. His arm across her chest felt secure and the hand was over her shoulder, holding her there. As she tried to absorb how it felt to lay there and be held like this, she tried not to add it to the list of things she wanted from him. It was long enough already.