Chapter fourteen

Willow flew into Dawn's room, a map fluttering in her hand.

"Dawnie, she's back" Dawn jumped to her feet to face the redheaded Wicca.

"What?"

"She's back, Buffy's back." Dawn forgot her earlier anger at the Wicca and hugged her tightly.

"Where is she?"

"I don't know" Willow admitted and at Dawn's look of alarm, she elaborated.

"No, she's fine; her signal is just too weak to pinpoint her exact location." The teenager couldn't hide her sigh of relief.

"So, she's okay?"

"Perfectly fine"

A knock brought Buffy out of her half-sleep. She ignored it, hoping whoever was on the other side of the door would take the hint and leave. No such luck, her visitor knocked once more before entering. Her Slayer senses tingled and she instinctively knew who it was. He always affected her differently than any other vamp, even Angel. She had always pondered the reason behind it and now she knew, they had a history. He stood in the doorway, moonlight from a nearby window reflecting off of his brilliant white-blonde hair and she was struck by the sight of him. He didn't look or act like William, that was for sure, but the same blatant, never-ending love was there in his cobalt eyes.

"There you are," he said. "Do you realize I could just walk in here, no invite needed? This town really is theirs now, isn't it?" He strode quickly over to Buffy, his worry for her crushing out his omni-present need to be cool.

"I heard. I was over there. That bitch, she's all about smiles and reformation when you're on your feet, but the moment you're down, she's all about the kicking, isn't that right? Makes me want –" Buffy was too tired to argue, to tired to do anything but think about the life she could've had, the life she had, where no one wanted her. That's not true, a little voice piped up in the back of her mind, Spike wants you. The little tidbit of truth gave her strength enough to answer.

"It wasn't just Faith, it was all of them. And it's not like they were wrong" She couldn't look at him, not knowing the pain she had caused him.

"Please leave" she whispered. A small, excited smile creased Spike's face.

"No, this'll change your tune. I came here 'cause I got something to tell you; you were right, Caleb is trying to protect something from you and I think you were spot on all the way, I think it's at the vineyard." His smile faltered as she failed to respond to the small gift he was offering her.

"So? You were right." Another small pause and the smile was gone completely.

"Buffy?"

"I don't feel very right" The Slayer answered simply, wanting to laugh at the inadequacy of her statement when compared to all that she had been through lately. Spike moved closer to her and a wave of guilt swamped over her. He still loved her, still wanted to help her, despite everything she had ever done to him, in this lifetime and the one before it.

"You're not fooling me" Buffy turned her head slightly to gaze at him in confusion.

"What do you even mean?"

"Well, you're not a quitter" The enthusiasm in his voice was exhausting her and she turned her head away from him.

"Watch me" Spike was desperate now to convince her that she was needed; she was wanted, at least by him.

"You were their leader and you still are. This isn't something you gave up, it's something they took. Buffy turned her head to look at him once again.

"And the difference is?" Spike smirked his patented Spike smirk

"We can take it back"

The First, now dressed in its Buffy guise paced in front of Caleb.

"What do we do now for the Slayer situation? We can't just leave things as it is. We put too much stock in that stupid boy." She punched the wall, and her hand, of course, went through the wall.

"I think you should go see the other Slayer, Faith, try and turn her against Buffy." The First smiled, a truly hideous evil smirk.

"You're right, and I know just who to go as."

Buffy had somehow found the strength to sit up and was surveying an obviously confused Spike.

"No?" he asked, his brow creased in bewilderment.

"No" Buffy repeated.

"You mean no as in eventually?" He was not backing down and it was sapping Buffy's energy.

"You really have a problem with that word, don't you?" Spike placed his hands on his hips and paced a little, wondering what had happened to his strong, never broken Slayer.

"You can get them back"

"Can? Maybe, Should?" Buffy buried her head in her hands, using all her will to stay awake.

"I'm just so tired" Spike needed to bring his Slayer back, not be contented with this weak facsimile of her.

"They need you"

"Well, I. . . ." Buffy gave the slightest indication of cheering up and Spike jumped on his opportunity.

"It's bloody chaos over there without you" Buffy took her head out of her hands and looked at an extremely desperate Spike.

"Yeah!" he said, biting the inside of his lip, and Buffy knew immediately that he was lying.

"Yeah, it's uh. . . There's junk. . . You know? Food cartons, sleeping bags not rolled up, everyone's very scared and, uh, unkempt" Buffy smirked, touched by his failed effort.

"Sounds dire" Spike sighed in defeat and sat down next to Buffy on the bed. Buffy was suddenly hyper-aware of his nearness.

"I didn't see a lot." He admitted.

"I came, hit Faith a bunch of times and left." This time there was no mistaking the lift in Buffy's spirit.

"Really? I mean, not that I'm glad, but. . ."

"Oh, you say the word, and she's a footnote in history. I'll make it look like a painful accident." Buffy's mood darkened once again.

"That's my problem, I say the word, some girl dies . . . every time"

"There's always casualties in war." He needed to keep her spirits afloat, but he was getting a little desperate. Buffy snorted in disgust.

"Casualties. It just sounds so . . . casual. These are girls that I got killed. I cut myself off from them . . . all of them. I knew I was going to lose some of them . ." Buffy's anger at herself caused a wave of strength to pass through her and she got to her feet, unable to sit any longer.

"You know what? I'm still making excuses. I've always cut myself off. I've always—being the Slayer made me different. But it's my fault I stayed that way. People are always trying to connect to me, and I just slip away, you should know" Spike smirked again, one full of secret trysts and unforgettable moments.

"I seem to recall a certain amount of connecting." Buffy shook her head, clearing it of their stolen, shared moments. She needed to make him leave; she wasn't sure how much longer she could hold out without bursting into tears.

"Oh, please! We were never close. You just wanted me because I was . . . unattainable"

"You think that's all that was?" Spike's brow creased with anger and he stood up next to Buffy. Buffy couldn't be near him with out the wave of guilt washing over her again so she sat down.

"Please, let's not go over the past."

"Oh, no, no. Let's hold on here. I've hummed along to your pity ditty and I think I should have the mic for a bit." Buffy gestured weakly and gave a feeble smile.

"Fine, the stage is yours, cheer me up." Spike paced for a minute before answering.

"You're insufferable."

"Thank you that really helped."

"I'm not trying to cheer you up."

"Then what are you trying to say?" Buffy snapped.

"I don't know" Spike snapped back,

"I'll know when I'm done saying it. Something pissed me off, and I just – 'Unattainable'. That's it." Buffy sighed.

"Fine, I'm attainable, I'm attainable, I'm an attain-a-thon. May I please go to sleep?" Spike kneeled in front of Buffy, focused only on fixing her, whatever needed to be done.

"You listen to me. I've been alive a bit longer than you, and dead a lot longer than that. I've seen things you couldn't imagine, and done things I'd prefer you didn't. I don't exactly have a reputation for being a thinker. I follow my blood, which doesn't exactly rush in the direction of my brain. So I make a lot of mistakes, a lot of wrong bloody calls." His cobalt eyes seared into her, daring her to turn away, to block out his words, but she couldn't, all she could do was sit and listen as the man who had loved her for over a hundred years spilled his heart, his soul.

"A 100+ years and there's only one thing I've ever been sure of: you." Buffy looked away now, seeing the pain in his eyes. He laid a cool hand on her cheek and gently turned her face back towards him.

"Hey, look at me. I'm not asking you for anything. When I say, "I love you," it's not because I want you or because I can't have you. It has nothing to do with me." Buffy could feel a lone, cold tear wind its way down her cheek but she didn't move to wipe it away, transfixed by his words.

"I love what you are, what you do, how you try. I've seen your kindness and your strength. I've seen the best and the worst of you. And I understand with perfect clarity exactly what you are. You're a hell of a woman. You're the one, Buffy." She couldn't do this, couldn't hurt him, not again.

"I don't wanna be the one." She whispered and Spike smiled quickly to hide the pain in his eyes.

"I don't wanna be this good looking and athletic. We all have crosses to bear." Buffy chuckled weakly and Spike got to his feet.

"You get some rest now. I'll check in before first light. You can decide how you want..." He was nearly gone and Buffy was hit with the sudden, unbearable need for him to stay. She couldn't lose him, not again.

"Spike?" He turned to face her, forbidden hope written all over his face. "Could you...stay here?" Spike swallowed, not willing to believe.

"Sure" he turned his attention to a nearby Lazy-boy recliner, not wanting to scare her off by jumping into her bed that was what had scared her off the first time.

"That diabolical old torture device, the comfy chair. It'll do me fine." Removing his jacket, he tossed it on the chair.

"No, I mean...here." Buffy whispered, gently touching the bed next to her, tears shining brightly in her eyes.

"Will you just hold me?" She moved over to give him space and he slid into bed next to her. There were no more words just then, everything that needed to be said at that moment was said, now it was just about the feeling of Buffy in Spike's arms, the all too familiar surge of love he felt whenever he was near her and the incredible feeling of rightness in this position. Buffy laid her head gently on Spike's chest and he wrapped a protective arm around her, laying a hand on her head. Sleep now, luv, he said silently, sleep, I'll protect you, don't worry about anything.

A/N: I know this seems like the end, but I still got stuff to say. I know, I know, give me the slightest bit of attention and I hog it all. So to all my loyal reviewers and readers, stick with me just a little bit longer, I promise it'll be worth it.