by Tina
This will sadly be my last chapter untill mid July :( I shouldn't even be writing this, I still need to pack!! But, well... ;) Not too much action, mainly feelings. But I'll try writing more to make it feel like it's really adding something to the story as a whole. I'm also trying to get a better perspective of Ross. I don't want him to look bad...! I love him, I hope this remains clear :) I hate it when people make him seem like such a bad guy in fics...!!
The days quickly passed Rachel by. But then again, not at all. She didn't seem to have a moment to figure out how controversial her vision of time had become, even though she found herself constantly being bored. Before she noticed, the day had ended and a new one begun. They went by fast and quickly turned into weeks. Soon, they were months.
Before she knew it, time had gone by. But looking back, it seemed like it was a life time ago she was in Ross' arms.
Two months. She had been apart from him for two months and things didn't seem to get any better. She figured time would heal everything. That's what people say, isn't it? Was it possible that they might've been wrong?
She thought a lot about her decision. Every day, in fact. She knew it would hurt, but she considered that, since she was doing the right thing, things would change for better.
Had she made the wrong decision then?
Or was this simply what getting over a true love was all about? She had never done it in the past, so it was a question yet to be answered. But it scared her to think about it. Again, people say a true love never dies. Would she have to live with her feelings for Ross for the rest of her life, then?
Maybe she should stop listening to people.
She couldn't bear those thoughts. So she supressed them and threw herself into work, trying hard to occupy her mind with anything other than him. She had to move on.
Ross finally laid down on his own bed after two hours of tucking Melissa in. He didn't mind it, though. In fact, he forced himself to stay there the longer he could. Being with the baby was good not only because she brought joy into his current sad life, but also because it kept him away from his lonely room. It scared him to realise how big his bed suddenly felt. He was intimidated by the empty space next to him and by the imaculate silence that fell once he was done with his dutties as a father.
Having also been too occupied with his work and Melissa, he'd spent most of his nights too tired to give this much thought in the beginning. It was a quick escape from reality. He didn't want to face the fact that, after three years, Rachel's wasn't by his side anymore. She wouldn't be there to make him laugh, to seduce him or even drive him crazy sometimes.
He missed her so much.
After his divorce, Ross went through a similar process. After winning Rachel's heart- and tearing it apart-, though, he realised the main difference about the situations. Back then, he could now admit he missed the stability other than the relationship itself. Though the fire had died, the marriege was still a hard, strong structure to support him. Once it was gone, he felt free to fall apart.
He found the safety he missed from his marriege in Rachel, even though they didn't have to go that far in order to reach it. She pulled him together, made him a whole.
At least untill he saw the familiar signs of destruction approaching.
Ross laid down on his bed and looked at a picture of Rachel he still hadn't found the will to remove. He blamed his lack of time for his delay in coming in therms with their separation, but he knew better than that. He knew this moment would make it real. He wanted to savour it for a bit longer, to prolong the feeling of hope. Maybe... maybe she'd be back? Maybe she'd say living without him was too hard and she would learn how to live with Melissa. Just... maybe?
No, that's not gonna happen, he thought. Subconsciently, he knew he'd been somehow preparing himself to this moment. He'd start moving on. Or at least trying to. He couldn't hold her back, he wanted to see her happy. She deserved that, he knew it. He just badly wished it could be with him.
Recomposing his thoughts, his mind traced back those signs of destruction. The ones that made him crazy, possessive, jealous.
He shook his head. That's not who I am, couldn't she see that? Couldn't she see that something really wrong was happenedning to make me get so crazy? Couldn't she-
...
No, it wasn't her fault. Pointing a finger and claiming the blame as being someone else's was easy, but Ross wasn't about to do it again. It had all been his fault. His lack of communication, introspection, insecurity... Most of all, his fear. The blind, inconsequent fear that made no sense. That made him act like an animal, not realising that pushing her away wouldn't help in any way.
Yes, he had to let her go. She deserved someone better. Someone who'd give her what she wants. The stability, the love, the respect she deserves. She deserved so much.
Tossing pictures and notes into one box and clothes, books and other personal belongings into others, Ross let himself cry for his loss and the fogged propect of a life without Rachel.
"Hey Mon" Rachel was back from another long day at work.
"Hey Rach"
"What's with the boxes?"
"Oh, Ross dropped those for you"
Rachel froze for a while and then just nodded at her best friend. Monica had comforting eyes, but Rachel ignored them pretty much like she had been doing since her break up with Ross. She did not open up. She hadn't discussed anything with the others. If it wasn't for the fact Monica knew her so well and for the late night sobs that could be heard through the thin wall their shared, Monica could swear Rachel wasn't being affected at all.
She wore a safe mask.
Rachel simply approached the boxes and took them into her room, one by one, refusing Monica's help.
"Hey, Phoebe and I wanna take you out tomorrow night. We're just gonna go to a bar and hang out. Is that okay?"
Not giving it much thought, Rachel quickly nodded and excused herself into her room.
There were so many memories quietly pilled up in those boxes Rachel thought it was unfair. It was unfair that all those things should now exist only in her mind. She couldn't imagine herself talking about them ever again. Those objects had no meaning to anyone else. They didn't say anything, and they never would. They would remain trapped, their true beauty hidden from the rest of the world.
It wasn't fair.
Rachel was looking stunning as ever. It was like magic the way she could pull herself together, to look nice even after a horrible endless day. Having spent her entire day and previous night filling up boxes with Ross' things, with casual breaks for break downs and decisions reviews, she had earned herself a pair of red puffy eyes with dark shadows under them. Yet, after her two hours in the bathroom, she came out looking as if she'd always been the happiest person in the world.
Across the room, Phoebe and Monica could clearily spot a good looking guy trying to make eye contact with Rachel since the moment they stepped into the bar. Rachel not only seemed not to care, but also looked as if she had not even noticed it. After so long in a loving relationship, she'd gotten used to not look around for interesting eyes among the crowd.
Phoebe started, being uncertain not only about Rachel's reactions but also Monica's.
"Hey Rach, ten o'clock"
Rachel looked up from her glass of martini.
"I'm sorry?"
"Ten o'clock"
Rachel looked at her, confused. She'd heard the guys talking in codes like that before, but she'd never quite got what it meant.
"I know you're trying to say something, but..." she trailed off.
Phoebe rolled her eyes.
"In the bar, Rach, to your left!"
Rachel looked at the bar and sure enough found some interesting blue-eyes sparkling at her.
"Oh.."
The guy waved in a manner she coud only describe as being cute. Extremely cute. She was still too uncertain as to how to respond to it, so decided upon doing nothing, for now.
"He's been staring at you since the moment we stepped in. Oh, he's so cute!"
"Yeah, I- I suppose he's not bad..."
"Not bad?" Monica interrupted this time. "My God, he's gorgeous"
Rachel looked at the girls and sighed.
"That's not the point"
Phoebe and Monica exchanged looks.
"Sorry" Phoebe quickly said.
"Don't worry... I'm just not ready for that yet"
"Rachel, can I ask you something?" Monica dared to ask.
Scared of what was about to come, yet not wanting to refuse a request from her friend, Rachel nodded.
"Do you want to get back together with Ross?"
Rachel looked down and then up at Monica.
"It's not about wanting, Mon. I love your brother, you know that. But it's got too hard for me to accept the way things have become"
"It's okay, I understand. But if that's your final answer, then I suggest you start wanting to move on... It's not gonna happen over night, sweetie, you're gonna have to work on it"
Rachel nodded.
"You're right."
"I'm sorry, I'm just tired of seeing you like this. You can tell us whatever you want, it's normal to feel this way. I remember how hard it was when Richard and I broke up. You two were so great with me. I want you to know that I'm here for you too"
Rachel simply hugged Monica.
"You are"
After they broke their hug, which soon was embraced by Phoebe, also, Rachel sighed and got up. There was a nervous yet hopeful smile on her face.
"Does anybody want something? I'm going to the bar" Rachel winked at them.
"Uh, another margarita would be fine" Phoebe replied.
Rachel looked annoyed at her.
"Actually, Phoebs, I'm hoping I won't be coming back so soon"
"Then why did you ask?"
Monica and Rachel exchanged looks.
"I'm just going to the bar to talk to that guy and that was my way of telling you that"
"Oh, then that's not my fault now, is it?" Phoebe disserted. "Should make yourself clear next time, Green, I'm not a mind reader" Then she thought "Huh, actually, I thought I was"
With a funny look on her face, Rachel left. Could this be a beginning of a new era?
It was. It must be.
Not because she could fall madly in love with this guy after the exchange of a couple of words, but because Rachel could already feel better for herself. Standing up and walking towards a stranger was like walking towards freedom. She was free of that past. She could get whatever she wanted. She was no longer trapped on the web of feelings that always had had thinking the same things she did for so many years now. She had to release herself from that. It hurt and no longer matched her perspective in life.
A new sun was rising for Rachel.
I know this ending is sort of corny and also "bad" for R&R, but just bear with me ;) I'm basing myself in some past experiences, so I guess I know what I'm doing, lol! Unfortunately, we're all gonna have to wait and see how this turns out to be... :( I'll see you in July...! waves Bye!
Reviews are still welcome! :D