Piddy The Foo' That Mess Wit' Hogwarts!

by

Dark Twilight

!Note to people who can't take a joke: This is a GAG FIC. So if I get flames, I'm gonna take that text document and shove it up that place where the sun don't shine. I mean, it's okay to say it's bad... just no "u suck. go die." comments, okay? You could insult my mother, me, and the rest of the American population... but if it has decent grammar I'm fine with it.!

Narrator: It was a mournful day at Hogwarts... The new headmaster was about to arrive. It had been only a few months since Professor Dumbledore's unfortunate demise, and an old friend of his was to take over the position.

:scene cuts to the Gryffindor common room where the Trio are doing their various activities:

Hermione::studying on the couch, ignoring Ron again for doing something stupid:

Ron::doing whatever he does from day to day, ignoring Hermione for slapping him for doing something stupid:

Harry::sighing, pining for Ginny... like always:

Ron::looks over at Harry: Hey, Harry! Want to go down with me in a bit to see the new headmaster? I hear he's a total loon.

Hermione: Ron, Professor Tibireus is NOT a loon! He's a magical genius who's made a mark on the magical world for his numerous achievements!

Ron::grins: Wasn't that the same thing you said about Lockhart?

Hermione: Hmph::shuts her book loudly and storms off to the girls' dormitory:

Harry: You know, Ron... Perhaps that's not the greatest way to make up with her...

Ron: Me? Make up with her? Please. She slapped me!

Harry: ...You did pinch her butt, Ron.

Ron: I did not! I smashed a beetle on her backside! ...Why else would I want to touch that... :Harry thinks for a second he sees drool on Ron's lips::it disappears: thing!

Harry::sly half-grin: Riiiiight. Come on. We'd best be getting down to the Great Hall.

:they both enter the Great Hall and move their way to the front of the crowd:

Harry: Ron, were we EVER this tiny as first years?

Ron::steps on one: ...I hope not. Now I have to go clean my bloody shoes off!

:Professor McGonagall steps out onto the grounds and looks into the sky, as if watching for something:

:A large black hippogryph appears over the horizon, flying over the lake to the grounds:

Everyone::gasp: What is that!

:The hippogryph touches down and a large cloaked figure jumped down, for a second a glint of gold is seen:

Mysterious Figure::heads inside after McGonagall:

:Harry and Ron fall back as the crowd starts to leave:

Ron::whispers: Wanna go check out that hippogryph? Hagrid'll want a report down to the feather, you know.

Harry::whispers back: Are you sure that's the best idea?

Ron: ...No. :grabs Harry's arm and pulls him back:

Ron::bows to the hippogryph:

Harry::looks around, hoping no one sees Ron get maimed and/or killed:

:The hippogryph bows back:

Ron::grin: See? What'd I tell ya, Harry::reaches over to pet its feathers:

Mysterious Figure: WHAT ARE YA DOIN' TO MY HIPPOGRYPH. FOO'?

Ron::spins around to get a load of knuckle bling in the face:

:Mr. T pulls his oversized fist out of Ron's face:

Harry: O.O Mr. T!

Mr. T: That's right. I'm the new headmaster, foo's and nobody better bother my hippogryph!

Ron::gets up with "FOOL" imprinted on his face: Who::falls back down:

Mr. T::heads back into the Great Hall: Come on, kids. I got a feast to start.

Everyone else::nods in fear of being crushed between Mr. T's amazing biceps:

:Mr. T sits in the Headmaster's chair in the Great Hall and call everybody to attention:

Mr. T: All right, kids! First, I gotta tell you who the new teachers are::he waves his hand to the teachers' table: The new Defense Against the Dark Arts Teacher is... CHUCK NORRIS!

Harry::eyes bug out: WHAT!

Mr. T::jumps up: YOU GOT A PROBLEM WIT' CHUCK, FOO'!

Harry: YES! YES, I DO! CHUCK NORRIS CAN'T EVEN DO MAGIC!

Mr. T: Oh yes he can! CHUCK! DO YOUR STUFF!

Chuck Norris::jumps up: For starters, we'll take this ordinary block of tofu. :pulls out a block of "Veggie-Meat":

And we'll set it on the table::puts it on the table: Now... I shall pick it up... WITH ONE HAND!

Everyone::gasp: That's impossible!

Chuck::picks it up with one hand: That's 100 percent bean curd, ladies and gentlemen...

Harry::whispers over to Ron: Thank God Hermione's not here.

!And THERE'S the first chapter! What OTHER surprises are in store for the Trio? And just HOW did Chuck Norris do that! Trust me, I've tried.!