Piddy Da Foo'!
Ch. 3
CHOP SHOEY!
-The Golden Trio wake up to a glorious morning with singing and tweeting birds... then a cry floats out across the grounds-
Harry: -looks out the window- ...Oh, lord.
Ron: -wipes eyes- What's goin' on out there, 'Arry?
Harry: -sigh- They threw Neville in the lake again. -more screaming-
Ron: -scratches his bedhead- Oh... that all?
DOWN AT BREAKFAST
Hermione: -walks past Ron, hitting him in the back of the head with her huge bag "accidentally"-
Ron: -wipes custard off his face- Think she's still mad at me?
Harry: Noooooo... you think? -bites into his toast-
Neville: -stumbles into the Great Hall, soaking wet- Squid... Slytherins... Ugh... -falls to the floor, unconscious-
Magical Ambulance: -is really two guys with a cot making an ambulance noise- WEE OOOO! WEEE OOO! WEEEEEOOOOOOOOO -they put Neville onto the cot- WEEEEEEE OOOOOOO! WEEEEEOOOOO! WEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO -they run off-
Ron: -nudges Harry- Do you think those guys really DO anything around here? I mean... Madame Pomfrey could just magic a stretcher down here...
Harry: ...Ron, the ambulance is for Neville only. He's the only one who's in there every day.
Ron: ...Well now... That makes a bloody load more sense.
Hermione: -stumbles down into the Great Hall, her poofy hair looking like a bushy auburn afro-
Ron: Mornin', Hermione... Wild animals burrow into your hair again?
Hermione: ...
Ron: -lying in a pile of his own bodily fluids-
Harry: You'd think he's actually going to learn someday...
Hermione: Harry, I need to talk to you about today's Potions lesson...
Harry: -confused- Okay... What about it?
Hermione: This "Bruce Mee" character...
Harry: Lee. His name's Lee.
Hermione: -feral growl- ANYWAY! This Bruce... LEE character isn't even a registered Potions master! In all of the Ministry of Magic's records for this century!
Harry: Well, Hermione... I admit he's a bit... -ignores the glare from Hermione- unorthodox, we should still see what he has to say...
Hermione: -sigh- Well, if Dumbledore respected him, he must be a genius...
Bruce Lee: -walks into the door- ...WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?
Harry: -turns the handle- ...Are you okay, Professor?
Bruce: -punches out the random Gryffindor again- THANK YOU VERY MUCH! -flips into the dungeon-
RG: -runs away to the Hospital Wing to get his nose resplinted-
Ron: You've GOT to feel bad for that kid...
Harry: I don't.
Ron: Me neither. -they walk into the dungeon-
-The dungeon is decked out in Eastern decor with the ever-present smell of sulphur and dung, cauldrons and desks are still in their normal order- -Instead of a desk, there is a cushion on the floor with candles surrounding it-
Prof. Lee: Come in, my disciples.
Another Random Gryffindor: Uh... Professor? We're not your disciples... We're your students.
Lee: -eyes narrow-
ARG: -drops to his knees and lets out a sound similar to his abbreviation-
Lee: -holds out his hand and pair of... "man jewels" are in it- Who's the disciple noooow?
All the Gryffindors: WE ARE!
Lee: Wonderful. Now then... ON WITH LESSON! -flips off the cushion, his shirt is "mysteriously" lost along the way-
Girls: -swoon-
Guys: -mumble, grumble-
Bruce: -flex-
Hermione: GET ON WITH THE LESSON, PLEASE!
Bruce: Correct, little girl! Now... today we make an antidote!
Hermione: -sigh- At least he teaches normal potions...
Bruce: ...For the Ancient Purple Lotus Poison!
Hermione: -anime fall-
Bruce: Now! Take out your lizard guts and put them on table!
Gryffindors: -blink, then do it-
Bruce: NOW CHOP! -makes chop motions super-quick, the lizard splits into perfect little pieces-
Everyone: O.O
Ron: ...It's just like MAGIC!
Hermione: -throws her bag at him- RON, YOU MORON!
Harry: -looks down- You okay there, mate?
Ron: -gurgles on his own blood-
Harry: Righto. -goes back to trying to chop up his lizard-
-THERE'S #3! MORE LATER!