Title: Woof Woof! Get Along, Little Triforce
Author: EA
Written: May 10, 2006
Summary: SHAM Link talks to Sheik about the Triforce.
Disclaimer: Not mine whatsoever.
Notes: Written for the Lady Penelope. I was watching the old Zelda cartoons for old time brain-breakage nostalgia when I noticed that whenever Zelda took the Triforce of Wisdom anywhere, she'd put a chain on it and they'd go off and have their merry adventures with the Triforce in tow like it was a dog or something. So! Brain-wrenching cartoon universe...kinda. But with non-cartoon Link and Zelda. Because I can't deal with that. Shut up, it's SHAM!

Woof Woof! Get Along, Little Triforce
By EA

"Link! Liiiiiiiink, are you up?" Zelda called out as she knocked on Link's door up. She had walked up all that way up to the tower Link stayed in, so he had better be in there...

A sleepy Link soon opened the door and answered with, "Huh...?"

"Oh good. I was afraid you would already be up and outside, shirking your royal duties," she said with a wink.

"Mmmmmmm huh?"

"You need to walk the Triforce of Wisdom. Did you forget?"

He did. "No, I didn't. Tell the Triforce I'll be down soon..."

"Alright," Zelda said as she turned to leave but something caught her eye. "Hey Link...did you get...fat?" She stared at the strange bulge in Link's clothed stomach.

Link hastily closed the door on her without any further word.

"Do you have to go?" Link asked as he led the Triforce of Wisdom around by a chain in the courtyard.

"No."

Link waited a few more seconds. "Now?"

"No."

A few more seconds... "How about now?"

"No!"

"Hey Link -- ahhh, performing your dangerous duties to the Royal Family, eh?" came Sheik's voice from the courtyard entrance.

Looking over, Link noticed the Sheikah. "Oh hey Sheik," he replied dully.

Sheik approached. "Although it's a wonderful day, you don't seem very enthused... Hey, did you get really fat?"

"No!" Link answered, and not a hint of anger was in his voice but it was as if he had heard the same question many times that day.

"No, no, you don't look fat," Sheik conceded, "are you pregnant?"

Link stared at him without response.

Sheik flushed. "Well it's not impossible. Seahorse males carry the babies, after all."

"Am I a seahorse?"

"No."

"Well then." Link then turned to the Triforce and asked, "Do you need to go?"

"Give me a moment," came the floating triangle's response.

Sheik crossed his arms. "Well, if you're not pregnant and you're not fat, mind telling me why your stomach is so distended?"

"It's the Triforce of Courage."

"Huh?"

"The Triforce of Courage." Link explained, "Zelda keeps hers in that room up in the tower and Ganon keeps his in his Evil Jar or wherever he has it, but what about me? My duty is to guard Zelda's, but what about mine? After many hiding spots, I figured that it would be safest on me, so I'm hiding it underneath my tunic."

"...Well what if you get captured by Ganon?"

"I'm not going to get captured by Ganon."

"I know you don't think you are, but what if you do? That leaves just one more Triforce for him to get, or worse, he already got Zelda's and with yours he has the complete Triforce. Isn't that kind of dangerous?"

Link rolled his eyes. "Ganon only has the three pieces of the Triforce if he knows he has the three pieces of the Triforce. He's going to look at me as just fat, not concealing the Triforce of Courage. I mean seriously. He captures me, so what? It's not like he's going to just lift up my tunic and find it."

"Well you don't know that."

"Don't know what?"

"Don't know that Ganon wouldn't just lift up your tunic."

Link was silent for a moment. "...Well I'm hoping that Ganon doesn't want to see my fat."

"What if he likes big men?" Sheik countered.

"...You know what? You can just suck on a mailbox. I never said it was a perfect plan."

"Hey, has Zelda's Triforce done its business yet?"

"I don't know," Link admitted. "Hey, you done yet?"

The Triforce of Wisdom replied, "I cannot do it with an audience. Please turn your backs."

Sheik sighed as the two turned their backs on the Triforce. "Never thought the damn thing would be so modest..."

"Really. It's a pain," Link agreed as he held on tight to the other end of the Triforce's chain. "I wish that, instead of having three sides, the Triforce pieces were round like balls. Sure, they'd be harder to keep still, but I could just roll the Triforce of Wisdom out and it could just roll around to wherever it wanted to go to the bathroom, roll back to me, and we could go inside without all the modesty nonsense. Or better yet, I could just keep Wisdom and Courage on me. If Ganon wants the two Triforces he can go find them..."

"...Do you have a thing for Ganon?" Sheik asked suddenly. "Because all your plans involve him eventually getting under your tunic."

Link opened his mouth to retort when a voice came from his stomach:

"I love you!"

The Sheikah stared at Link's stomach.

Link stared down his shirt at the Triforce of Courage.

"Rub me on your butt like in the olden days!" it said.

The Sheikah stared at Link.

Link continued to stare down his shirt.

"Let me drift southward to that dark peninsula!"

"Okay," Sheik finally said, "is there something about you I don't know about?"

"I have no idea why it's saying these things," Link defended, "really."

"Lies become a sexy Hero badly!"

"Hmmm."

"Don't judge me."

"Ahhh, well," Sheik murmured, changing the subject, "Triforce of Wisdom are you done yet?"

"No."

Link tugged on the leash and started to lead it out of the courtyard. "Well that's just too bad. You had your chance! You can go on the floor if you need to."

"I do not believe Impa would appreciate that," the Triforce of Wisdom responded.

The Triforce of Courage had its thoughts on the subject:

"SHAM is the best!"