Author's note: I have returned. Again. And while I still won't make any promises, I'll try not to disappear for multiple months next time!

"The red-eyed Rookie Killer is in trouble! Please help me!"

Megumin pleaded to us with teary eyes.

Chris just tilted her head in confusion, but for Kazuma the words seemed to ring a bell.

"Red-eyed... is this the same one from that time when–"

"Oi, brat."

I walked up to Megumin and started pulling on her cheeks.

"Owowow tha hurtsh Kiwiyah!"

"Aren't we done with that shit already? Are you saying I got sliced open by a magic sword for nothing!?"

"Ah'll esplain sho shtop pulliiiiing!"

I released her, and after rubbing her cheeks she pulled a pamphlet out from her robe and handed it to me.

"Take a look at this and tell me what you think."

It was a quest from the Adventurer's Guild:

Looking for a new monster trap design to purchase. Whoever catches the largest monster can have their design and the caught monster be purchased for 1,000,000 eris. Restriction: must use provided wolfberries as bait.

I looked up at Megumin.

"Are you sure this isn't just a normal request?"

She leaned over and pointed at the last line.

"It's this part right here. Do you know how many monsters around here are herbivorous? Very few, and none of them are anywhere near as big as a Rookie Killer."

Ah, I see now. "And wolfberries were its favorite food, right?"

She nodded. "That noble isn't explicitly asking for the Rookie Killer this time, but adventurers are going to end up catching it if they want to get that reward."

"That sly bastard..."

Suddenly, Kazuma interjected. "Hold on, could you two back up for a second? What exactly happened while I was gone? And what was that about being sliced by a magic sword?"

Chris chuckled nervously. "Ahaha, I'm just completely lost here."

Megumin glanced over at me.

I shrugged. "This is your little campaign, so you do the explaining."

The mage girl sighed.

"I'll start from the beginning then..."

Megumin first caught Chris up on the first time she and Kazuma came across the red-eyed Rookie Killer. It was actually my first time hearing the full story too, since Megumin kinda glossed over it when she was recruiting my help before.

After that, Megumin and I told the other two what happened while they were both out of town. When I got to my fight with Mitsurugi, though, I didn't elaborate on how my cheat works, or on my history with him. I just said that I fought hard enough to convince him I was serious, and he backed off.

Not that I don't trust them, but just using that power puts my own life on the line, so I don't really want word getting out about it at all. Speaking of which, I hope Mitsurugi isn't the blabbing type.

Kazuma made a contemplative expression. "You made him back off? So, you're saying you didn't actually defeat that guy?"

"Are you crazy? How could I have beaten him? I'm only level 4, and on top of the level difference he has that stupid cheat sword."

"Ah, I've beaten him twice."

My jaw dropped slightly, and he gave me a stupid shit-eating grin.

I can tell he isn't bluffing, though. How the hell did he pull that off? Does he have an even stronger cheat than that sword? I thought Megumin said he was weak, though...

... no, what am I doing? I can't let him get to me like that!

"Well, I don't remember asking, but okay, good for you. So anyway, after that, I went back to the guild to relax, but some drunk guy sat across from me and started ranting about his teammates."

"Geh–"

Heh, he took a bit of mental damage from that memory. Hey, what can I say? You brought that one on yourself.

Megumin sighed.

"Look, I get that you two are eternal rivals, but could you focus please?"

Kazuma gave her a puzzled look.

"Eternal rivals?"

Ah, fuck, I said something like that to Megumin, didn't I?

Kazuma glanced at me, and from the devious face he made I think he put two and two together.

"Heh... actually, Megumin, Kiriya here is my–"

"Hold it, come over here for a sec."

I interrupted him and dragged him a few meters away, and then whispered to him.

"Look, can you just go along with it?"

He crossed his arms.

"And why should I? You dug your own grave there."

... tch, he's not wrong. If only I had some kind of bargaining power here...

... oh, wait.

I reached into my back pocket, pulled out the rolled-up item I had in there, and held it in front of me.

When Kazuma saw what it was, his face paled.

"W-Wait, how d-do you have..."

"How about this: you go along with what I say, or I'll show everyone in town the kind of shit the 'Billionaire Adventurer' is into."

"... or I can just do this. Steal."

A brief flash of light, and he took away the blackmail material... wrong. He had my underwear again.

"... dammit, why can't that skill just work right for once?"

I snatched the underwear back and turned around.

"Oi, you two, wanna see some–"

"Okay, fine! I'll go along with whatever story you want, just... give that to me... please."

"I'll hand it over once we sort out this shit, deal?"

Kazuma sighed, then nodded, and we went back.

Megumin eyed us curiously.

"What was that all about?"

I waved it away.

"It's nothing. So, go ahead and finish the story."

"I'm continuing? Eh, alright... so, after I rescued Kiriya from the drunk philanderer–"

Kazuma flinched again, but didn't make any retort.

"– that noble came in demanding an update, but Luna and Darkness ganged up on him and he was barred from putting up that quest in the guild."

I nodded. "And now you're saying the bastard's put up another quest that doesn't technically break that restriction he had, right?"

I scratched my head. "Still, if he's not breaking any rules this time, then we can't stop this quest."

Megumin scoffed.

"When a corrupt noble needs to be punished, you shouldn't let the law get in the way!"

And the discussion suddenly turned dangerous. I'm starting to think this girl genuinely has a screw loose.

She seemed to remember something, though, as she suddenly started fidgeting.

"Oh, right, speaking of that..."

Megumin glanced at Kazuma, and then Chris.

"... actually, I'm lucky that Chris is here too, but Kiriya being here is a bit of an issue..."

... I'm going to give her the benefit of the doubt, but she really could've phrased that better.

Kazuma eyed me, then turned to Chris. "Should we tell her?"

Chris shrugged. "You know her best, don't you? Do you think she can be trusted?"

"Well the last time I trusted her, I ended up a broken man."

I could only shrug. He was right, after all.

He glanced at me again, then finally sighed. "But putting that aside... Kiriya is many things, but a snitch is not one of them. I can at least trust her to keep our secret. So, listen..."

I unconsciously leaned in a bit closer.

"... together, Chris and I make up the Masked Thieving Band–"

"Silver-haired Thieving Band–"

"– anyway, we're chivalrous thieves who track down dangerous items and keep them out of the wrong hands."

"... say, Kazuma, aren't you a bit old to be playing those kinds of games?"

"Tch, this isn't a game! I'll have you know we broke into the royal palace and stole a dangerous item from the princess herself! We're currently the most wanted criminals in the kingdom!"

I glanced at Chris, but aside from that one interruption she had just been nodding along to Kazuma's explanation.

"... holy shit, you're serious." Just how many crazy adventures has this guy had so far? I'm almost envious.

Megumin nodded enthusiastically. Her eyes were sparkling as she was listening, even though she must've already known this.

"Yeah, and that's why I wanted to ask their help! There's no better duo to call when it comes to going outside of the law to punish corrupt nobles!"

I see now. I think.

Kazuma turned back to Chris. "Well, what do you say, Big Boss? You up for saving a monster?"

Chris closed her eyes as she deliberated. "Unlike devils and undead, not all monsters are innately evil; a lot of them are just creatures trying to survive. And if this Red-eyed Rookie Killer really is herbivorous, then I can't say I approve of it being killed just because of a man's wounded pride."

She opened her eyes and looked back at Kazuma. "If you're up for it Assistant-kun, then let's do it!"

All three of them then turned towards me.

"... ah, fuck it. I'm already too invested in this to walk away. Count me in."

Megumin beamed, then turned around and pointed towards where the front door used to be.

"Red-eyed Rescue Squad, move out!"

Kazuma rolled his eyes. "Is that what we're calling ourselves?"

And so, the Red-eyed Rescue Squad (provisional name) was formed.

... although Megumin said "move out," aside from her none of us were equipped for adventuring, so we anticlimactically agreed to meet up at the guild in half an hour.

I made my way back to my inn room and changed into a fresh outfit. I then took out the gear I purchased on my shopping spree. I pulled the breastplate over my torso, pulled on the gauntlets and greaves, and strapped the small buckler to my arm, and then I picked up one of the two daggers I bought.

Wait, I don't think I have a skill for using daggers, do I? I checked my Adventurer's Card... nope, no dice. Of course Cavaliers wouldn't use daggers.

Hm... then again, my One-Handed Sword skill works with that pipe-sword even though it's honestly more of a club. I held the dagger like a sword and gave it a couple practice swings, and sure enough it felt natural. I guess it's more about the way you handle the weapon than the weapon itself? Like, for example, if an extremely big person wielded a greatsword in one hand, it probably would fall under One-Handed Sword instead of Two-Handed.

Satisfied, I strapped a dagger to each of my thighs and then finally reached for the pipe-sword, only to notice a piece of paper stuck under it. I looked around, but I couldn't see any sign of intruders, so I picked up the paper, and when I turned it over I immediately noticed a familiar emblem at the top.

The symbol of Eris. After nervously gulping, I began to read:

As per the agreement, instructions as to the usage of your weapon are provided below. In the future, dutifully cooperating and providing assistance when you are called upon will be rewarded with explanations for your other blessings.

... this is the "carrot and stick" thing, isn't it? That goddess is offering me an incentive to make me more motivated to pay off that debt. And it's totally fucking working, cause I really wanna know what other superpowers I have. Hopefully I have some that don't involve getting myself nearly killed.

I then read the instructions for the pipe-sword...

...

"... pfft! Hahahaha!"

My sides were splitting from laughter as I read it. No wonder I couldn't figure that fucking thing out! I had it all wrong from the start!

Still chuckling to myself, I slid the weapon into my belt and set off for the guild.

"You're late."

Kazuma gave me that pleasant greeting as I entered the guild and saw the other three waiting for me.

"Only by a couple minutes, don't be a bitch about it."

I looked past him. "Damn, people are pretty excited about this aren't they?"

The guild was way more active than I'd ever seen it. Not that I've been here long, to be fair.

Kazuma rubbed his chin. "Yeah, I'm honestly a bit surprised. Most adventurers in this town aren't really lacking in money. Even though trap making could be said to be low-risk, I wouldn't bother with it if I didn't have to."

Megumin scoffed. "Not everyone is as content with being a hikkikomori as Kazuma. Something like a trap-making contest really excites the imagination, doesn't it?"

Chris nodded. "Not to mention the bragging rights. The atmosphere is almost like a festival."

I had to agree. Everywhere I looked, I could see people enthusiastically discussing designs or optimal locations for traps.

That being said...

"If everyone's having fun, won't we become public enemies if we try to rain on the parade?"

"Fufufu." Megumin chuckled. "Chivalrous thieves care not for the opinions of the masses, for they only seek to carry out justice and– ow!?"

I gave the chuuni a head chop. "If we become the villains, then by default the shitty noble will become the hero, right? Good luck protecting the Rookie Killer if that happens."

"Geh... er, well, I suppose chivalrous thieves should sometimes work in the shadows without anyone even realizing anything's happening."

What do you mean, 'sometimes?' That should be the default modus operandi.

I turned to Kazuma, and saw him deep in thought.

"You got any ideas, Scumzuma?"

"Well, Shittya, I was wondering why everyone's still standing around here in the guild. Shouldn't they be going out to collect supplies, scout for good trap spots, or even just discuss strategy in a less public place?"

Chris pointed to the corner of the guild. "It's probably because of that."

It was the same corner where I was once harassed by that obnoxious devil, although he wasn't here today. Instead, there was a large table with a sign that said, "Pick up wolfberries here," and a giant, empty bin.

"Looks like it's because the bait that's being provided hasn't arrived yet, and everyone wants to grab as much as they can as soon as it arrives." Chris grinned. "It would be a shame if the berries they're all waiting for never came."

The rest of us nodded. Megumin even made a dramatic pose.

"Time for Operation Bombastic Berry Busters!"

"We're not calling it that." x2

Chris giggled. "You two really are on the same wavelength, aren't you?"

"Hell no." x2

Our synced response only elicited more laughter from the thief girl.

Meanwhile

A certain blue-haired girl was walking home, humming happily. Trudging behind her was a tired-looking man with a toolbox. He stifled a yawn.

"Ya know, I just finished pullin' an all-nighter fixin' some noble's safe. Could this door of yers really not wait till' tomorrow?"

"What are you saying? The sooner I get my wi– ahem, the sooner our home is secure, the better! After all, Kazuma always says home security is important!"

"I don't get paid enough fer this."

The two reached the gate to the mansion and entered the yard–

"... say, miss, ya know Imma locksmith, not a carpenter, right?"

The girl didn't reply, instead staring at the shattered front door in silence. Once she finished processing the reality in front of her–

"HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY WINE NOW!?"