A/N- Yay this is a read story! That was read in past tense. In case you didn't know. I've got no update on the cool e's.
AngelMusic- Yeah, I'm anti- most of the things in Les Mis that should be censored. I just couldn't bring myself to type that, so I figured I'd do it my way. Two-man Les Mis is really fun when both the girls doing it are too Christian to curse.
Elyse3- I'm not convinced Meg was even in the same studio. She probably took a wrong turn at Albuquerque and the dudes making the CD decided they could just do it without her.
nebulia- In fact, almost all my family and friends have found that those are, indeed, words to live by. Or else they will see a side of me that no one really appreciates.
Sorrowful Wind-Whisperer- A female Antonio Banderas? -snicker- Yeah, two-man LM can be VERY interesting. I'm trying to organize a two-man Phantom with my other musical-loving friend.
zella- Bet you've never quite thought of Buquet as being chaste, have you? Carlotta's accent... I suppose Piangi should have one too... I just sorta forgot about it until I'd already started posting. Oh well.
[The Authoress has gone backstage to talk to Meg before her big Fantine solo.]
Authoress: No one can hear you. It'd be a shame to ruin such a great song. I saw a Fantine once who was too quiet. It's not good, I promise.
Meg: Can't you turn up my mic?
Authoress: It won't go any louder.
Meg: Fine. If everyone wants me to skip the solo, I will.
Other POTO Characters: YAY!
Authoress: Not yay! You hafta have this song.
Carlotta: I will-a sing ze solo.
Authoress: Alright, the song to Carlotta. Going once... going twice...
Christine: No, let me.
Authoress: Christine... anyone else? Going once... going...
Erik: Yeah, let her.
Authoress: GoingoncegoingtwiceSOLD to Erik, Phantom of the Opera, thank you, sir.
Erik: What! I didn't want the solo!
[The Authoress snickers.]
Carlotta: 'E doesn't want eet. Gif eet to me!
Erik: I said to give Christine the solo, not me!
Authoress: Too late.
Erik: Come on! [pulls out his Punjab lasso and gets Raoul by the neck] I'll kill the fop...
Authoress: HE IS NOT A FOP! [attacks Erik]
Nobody: [tries to save him]
[Christine rushes over and yanks the lasso off of Raoul, and everyone stands back to watch the Authoress try to kill Erik.]
Authoress: First you degrade Fantine with that mud-wrestling thing, then you refuse to get back into character, then you insult Les Mis, then you try to kill Raoul, then you call him a FOP!
Erik: [is too busy trying to hold his mask on to reply]
Firmin: No, wait! That's my new star! Don't kill him.
Authoress: [standing up quickly] I guess I would get mobbed by Erik fangirls if I killed the phantom of the opera... I can see that a lot of people would have problems with that. And then who would be Enjolras and Gavroche and Valjean and Jehan and Joly and Feuilly and Combeferre and L'aigle and Courfeyrac and... and all the others?
Bahorel: [from the audience] I'd love to be in the show!
Authoress: They did leave you out, didn't they? Tell you what, you can be Major Domo!
Bahorel: I wanna be me.
Authoress: Sorry, no can do.
Bahorel: No Bahorel?
Authoress: Take it up with Boublil and Schönberg, not your friendly neighborhood slavedriving Authoress.
Bahorel: Okay. Can I still be Major Domo?
Authoress: Sure... and you can be one of the wedding guests, too.
Bahorel: Which one?
Authoress: You'll see.
Bahorel: [dancing] I'm going to be in the sho-ow...
Authoress: Yes, you are. And back to the pressing problem here... I Dreamed A Dream that Erik would sing Fantine's solo...
Erik: I Nightmared A Nightmare that that happened.
Authoress: Then you'll do it?
Raoul: Wait... nightmare isn't a verb...
Christine: You're so smart!
Erik: [snorts]
Authoress: Erik, please do this for me.
Erik: What will you give me?
Authoress: [hopefully] Anything!
Erik: Got you all excited now... but God knows why you pick on me. Aren't you all delighted now...
[There is a moment of silence.]
Authoress: So you'll do it?
Erik: Aren't you supposed to hand me money?
Authoress: I'm saving up to go to Paris with my French class.
Erik: I'll take you to Paris on my nifty raft. How much money you got?
Piangi: Let me get this straight... If you'll sing the solo and take her to Paris she'll give you all the money in her Paris fund?
Erik: Yup.
Authoress: It's a deal. Now go, my homie Phantom!
[Erik, thinking he got the best end of the deal, skips off to hair and makeup.]
Piangi: So... how much money do you have in your Paris fund?
Authoress: So far... five dollars.
Raoul: And he called me a fop!
[The Authoress returns to her seat in the audience.]
[Erik comes onstage wearing a blonde wig, dress, apron, and bonnet. The insane makeup ladies put lipstick and blush not only on his face but on his mask as well. Hey, he looks nice.]
Erik:
There was a time when men were kind
When their voices were soft
And their words inviting
There was a time when love was blind
And the world was a song
And the song was exciting
There was a time...
Then it all went... wrong
Authoress: He's not bad as a single mother.
Erik: [loudly]
I dreamed a dream in time gone by
When I was high and life worth living
Authoress: When he was high? Those aren't the words...
Erik:
I dreamed that love would never die
I dreamed that the evil Authoress would be forgiving
Authoress: Oh dear... I think Piangi told him he's only getting five dollars for this...
Erik:
Then I was stupid and not paying attention
When dreams were made and used and wasted
There was more than five dollars to be paid
No song I had to sing, no wine untasted
But the Authoresses come at night
With their voices loud as thunder
As they tear your reputation apart
As they turn your career to shame!
Authoress: Oh dear, oh dear...
Erik: [suddenly sad, lonesome, and staring off into space]
And still I dream she'll come to me!
That we will live the years together
Authoress: Somehow, I doubt he's still talking about me...
Erik:
But there are dreams that cannot be
And there are storms we cannot weather!
I had a dream my life would be
So different from this hell I'm living
So different now from what it seemed!
Now life has killed the dream... I... dreamed...
Audience: [applauds confusedly]