A/N- Ugh, the site has me afraid of responding to my reviewers! All my script forms and several of the best darn fics anyone's ever written (including the great and almighty Mystical Chinchilla's "A Ridiculously Cliched Muder Mystery," the very fic that got me into fanfiction and this site) have been deleted. I'm paranoid, I tell ya!

AngelMusic- Aw, come on! Don't you think that it's about time Erik got a little beat up? Poor Raoul... so many people just thoughtlessly bash him... Ah well, I'll try not to make you feel bad for the opera ghost.

nebulia- Merci muchly. I'm a little sorry for Meg myself... but the fact that I can't hear her AT ALL on my CD takes away just a shmoot of pity. And yes, shmoot is now officially a word.

Zella- Ick. Do get well soon. I had a cold... which I would have used as an excuse for my prolonged update, but it's not true. The site banned me for a few days after removed two more of my fics! Meh.

Elyse3- Never fear! Raoul shall be quite... favored... in this tale. Well... in the way that I tend to prefer Marius/Cosette to Marius/anyone else. Which might mean abuse. But it is loving abuse, remember that.

Bubonic Woodchuck- Erik-y-poo, huh? Yeah, I've gotten a little of that already. It's not that I dislike Erik... I just really dislike Christine/Erik. That's just wrong I tell you!

JoLanna- Yay! I love both musicals too. Obviously. Glad to amuse you.

Laigualaurelote- Oh, I hope I spelled that right. Yay for wonderfully twisted minds! And welcome aboard. I'll continue until they remove this fic or make me leave the site... I really hope that neither of these happens to me...

(Buquet enters as Bamatabois. Bahorel is standing in the middle of a crowd of lovely ladies.)

Buquet: Two complaints, Authoress, before we begin.

Authoress: Shoot.

Buquet: Wasn't I a whore a minute ago?

Authoress: Yes you were. You're such a smart... Buquet.

Buquet: Er... thanks. Well, now I seem to be a pimp...

Authoress: You're Bamatabois, Buquet! Buy Bahorel!

Bahorel: (cheerfully) That's a tongue twister!

Buquet: Genius.

Christine: (absently) He the unseen genius...

Erik: Yes! My power over you-

Raoul: (whacks him with Enjolras's flag) Stop hitting on my wife!

Authoress: Raoul... Try not to murder Erik.

Raoul: (pouting) Why not?

Authoress: Because he somehow has more fangirls than you do...

Raoul: How? How does he have more fangirls than me? Am I not sensitive, clever, well-mannered, considerate, passionate, charming, as kind as I'm handsome, and a rich Vicomte?

Authoress: You are everything maidens could wish for!

Raoul: Then why no?

Authoress: Do I know?

Raoul: Those girls must be mad!

Erik: Yeah? Well, I'm a... an angst-ridden... deformed... hideous... demented... erm... murdering... kidnapper.

Authoress: My point exactly.

Erik: But I do get to sing cooler songs than him.

Buquet: Hello? My other complaint?

Authoress: Yes. What was that?

Buquet: Uh... I don't remember...

Authoress: Okay then. Are we all settled to begin this scene? Piangi, you get to be Javert again.

Piangi: (listlessly) Somebody pinch me.

Authoress: And Bahorel's the new Fantine!

Bahorel: YAY!

Meg: But I'm Fantine!

Authoress: What? I can't hear you.

Meg: (pouts)

Authoress: Maestro?

Reyer: Yes?

Lefèvre: I didn't know Reyer was here!

Authoress: I didn't know you were here. Anyway, Maestro? The next song... now.

Buquet:

Here's something new. I think I'll give it a try.

Come closer, you... sir...

I like to see what I buy.

The usual price

For... oh, sick!

Bahorel:

I don't want you! No, no, m'sieur, let me go!

Buquet:

Is this a trick? I won't pay more!

Bahorel:

No, not at all.

Buquet:

You've got some nerve!

You random Mizzie

You've got some gall!

Authoress: (looking at Meg) I begin to wonder if the POTO characters resent this sudden Mizzie intrusion...

Buquet:

It's the same with the tart as it is with the grocer!

The customer sees what he gets in advance!

It's not for the whore to say 'yes sir' or 'no sir,'

Not for the harlot to pick or to chose

Or to lead me a dance!

Bahorel: (attacking Buquet)

Buquet: What the- OW!

Bahorel:

I kill you, YOU BASTARD!

Try any of that!

Even whore who has gone to the bad

Won't be had by a RAT!

Authoress: Why he didn't make the play I shall never know.

(Bahorel relents, and Buquet is holding one hand to his cheek.)

Buquet: (seriously furious)

By Christ, you'll pay for what you've done!

This rat will make you BLEED, you'll see.

I guarantee I'll make you suffer!

For this disturbance of the peace!

For this insult to life and property!

Bahorel: (looking genuinely worried)

I beg you,

Don't report me, sir!

I'll do whatever you may want...

Buquet:

Make your excuse to the police!

(Piangi comes in with yet another large hat and dark blue ensemble. He addresses Buquet, who has actually been clawed by Bahorel and is bleeding.)

Piangi:

Tell me quickly, what's the story?

Who saw what and why and where? And how... and when... and wherefore...

Authoress: Oy!

Piangi:

Let him give a full description!

Let him answer to Javert.

In this nest of whores and vipers

Let one speak who saw it all

Who laid hands on this good man here?

What's the substance of this brawl?

Buquet:

Javert, would you believe it

I was just acting my part

When this crazy man attacked me

You can see he left his mark!

(points to his bleeding cheek)

Piangi:

He will answer for his actions

When you make a full report

You may rest assured, m'sieur

He will answer to the court!

Bahorel: (glancing nervously from one to the other)

There's a child who sorely needs me

Please, m'sieur, she's but that high (holds his hand at the level of his waist)

Holy God, is there no mercy?

If you Punjab me she'll die!

Piangi:

I have heard such protestations

Every day for twenty years

Let's have no more explanations

Save your breath and save your tears

Honest work; just reward. That's the way

To please the Lord!

(Erik enters, again dressed as Valjean.)

Erik: What if I don't want to save him?

Authoress: What if I told you that I took a picture of you dressed as Fantine?

Erik: (earnestly)

A moment of your time, Javert

I do believe this woman's tale!

Piangi:

But M'sieur Mayer!

Erik:

You've done your duty, let her be!

She needs a doctor, not a jail!

Piangi:

But M'sieur Mayor!

Bahorel: (relieved)

Can this be?

Erik:

Where will she end? This child

Without a friend... (looking at Bahorel)

I've seen your face before.

Show me some way to help you.

How have you come to grief in such a place as this?

Bahorel:

M'sieur, don't mock me now, I pray.

It's hard enough I've lost my pride

You let your foreman send me away.

Yes, you were there

And turned aside...

I never did no wrong!

Erik: (glancing nervously at the Authoress)

Is it true what I've done...

Bahorel:

My daughter's close to dying!

Raoul: (whispering to Christine) How does she know her daughter's dying?

Christine: The letter.

Raoul: Oh... right.

Erik:

To an innocent soul?

Bahorel:

If there's a God above...

Erik:

Had I only known then...

Bahorel:

He'd let me die instead.

Raoul: I'm not following.

Christine: They're having two dialogues at once, dear.

Raoul: Why?

Christine: I dunno.

Erik:

In His name

My task has just begun.

I will see it done.

Buquet:

But M'sieur Mayor!

Erik:

I will see it done.

Buquet:

But M'sieur Mayor!

Erik:

I will see it done!