A/N- Yes, my updates to this fic have become rather sporadic, but I promise it shan't be abandoned.

Sorowful Wind-Whisperer- Glad to provide a bit of amusement... I was just too bored to let Erik sing the whole song.

Renee- Welcome! The rest is on its way... as I said, I'm a sporadic updater...

bundles-o-joy- AHH SPORKS! Erm... ohh, the chandelier... now there's a good idea. Too bad it doesn't have a mouth. Hehe...

AnotherErikPhan- Into the Woods rocks my toe socks! As do many a musical, but I heart Into the Woods a whole whole lot. Yeah, I use many random references in here...

Laiqualaurelote- You were Carlotta! That's just too cool. I could probably be no one but Meg or Mame Giry, as I'm an alto. Ah, well, altos get the good songs in plenty of musicals.

nebulia- OoO the great Cillabub... no, I'd never read the Scarlet Pimpjolras, though I went looking for it. Was it in script? It seems to be gone.

Jaded Lover- Welcome, welcome, to my tale of insanity.

zella- Yay for incoherence! Did I spell that right? Ah, whatever. Yay anyway.

Phantomette- Ooh, good. Listening to Les Mis is fun! -heartMichaelBallheart-

Amber Stag- I know, that's what I'm sayin'! Argh, they removed A Ridiculously Cliched Muder Myster... -is still in shock-

ErikaNapoleonica- Hm... good point. I'd 'bout forgotten he was only getting five bucks for all this. What does that translate to in francs, I wonder...

Aislin of the Shadows- Yes, Erik torture is fun! It's what he gets, anyway, that Raoul-abuser! But yes, Raoul fans are actually quite in the minority, for some unfathomable reason.

Thalia the Tiger- The odd thing is, I don't drink soft drinks! Or anything but milk, water, and apple juice. No joke. That's how I normally think... and ya know what? I'm afraid to know what would happen if I was exposed to caffeine.

AngelMusic- That's a question I'm beginning to have to ask myself... this story seems to be making painfully slow progress.

Elyse3- I had quite a lot of fun trying to make the lyrics Carlottafied. The thing is, what exactly is a Spanish-Italian accent? Hehe... And yay for Raoul lovers! Poor sweet guy...

(The Authoress is seated in the front row of the theater, as usual, and giggling madly about something. Erik is still pouting over the events of last update.)

Authoress: Hehehe...

Erik: WHAT is so funny?

Authoress: Hehehe... My Guy messed up...

Erik: ...

Authoress: (All in one breath) I went to see Jekyll & Hyde, and during Façade I saw this dude who had great solos and he was really good so I said he was my guy and then every time he came onstage I was all there's my guy and during Bring on the Men I was all My Guy get away from her and then he came onstage at the beginning of act two and goes "Read about the hideous murder! Ridabhadi... murder!" and runs offstage all embarrassed like...

Erik: Why are you even telling me this?

Authoress: You asked. I'm off to stalk Raoul now.

Erik: Why?

Authoress: I dunno... cos he's hot and rich, like my Squishy.

Erik: You frighten me.

Authoress: HAHAHA I frighten you!

Erik: Yes. May I be the main character again?

Authoress: You just wanna punch out Piangi.

Erik: Exactly.

Authoress: Yeah, sure, go for it.

(The curtain rises again, and Bahorel, in a white dress, is lying in a little roll-y bed being attended to by two nuns who look like evil flying manta rays. They wander off, and Bahorel begins to sing.)

Bahorel:

Cosette, it's turned so cold...

Cosette, it's past your bedtime.

You've played the day away

And soon it will be night...

Come to me, Cosette the light is fading

Don't you see the evening star appearing?

Raoul: If she's inside how can she see the evening star?

Christine: Maybe a window...?

Raoul: If she's in Montreuil-sur-Mer how can she see Cosette?

Christine: Maybe... um... in her mind?

Raoul: Okay then. Just checking.

Bahorel: AHEM.

Come to me, and rest against my shoulder How fast the minutes fly away and every minute colder

Hurry near, another day is dying

Don't you hear the winter wind is crying?

There's a darkness, which comes without a warning

But I will sing you lullabies and wake you in the morning...

(Bahorel tried to get out of the bed and... go somewhere, I guess, but Erik Valerik comes in and drags him back by his shirt.)

Erik: Get back in that bed, you delusional hooker!

Authoress: Hey! Those aren't your lines! (holds up Rum Tum Tugger outfit)

Erik:

Oh, Fantine, our time is running out!

But, Fantine, I swear this on my life...

Bahorel: (sitting up)

Look, m'sieur... where all the children play!

Erik: (shoving Bahorel back down)

Be at peace, be at peace, whiny whore.

Bahorel:

My Cosette...

Erik:

Shall live in my protection.

Bahorel:

Take her now!

Erik:

I can't, she's in Montfermeil.

Bahorel:

Good m'sieur, you come from God in heaven!

Erik:

I never said I'd take your brat... (glances at the Authoress)

I mean, of course you're right, dear.

Bahorel:

Take my hand

The night grows ever colder

Erik:

Then I will keep you warm... Augh, that's just wrong!

Bahorel:

Take my child

I give her to your keeping

Erik: I'm so leaving right now.

Bahorel: (doing a splendid job of ignoring him)

For God's sake, please stay till I am sleeping!

And tell Cosette I love her

And I'll see her when I wake...

(He falls over deadly.)

Erik: It's about time.

(Piangi enters.)

Piangi:

Valjean, at last, we see each other plain!

M'sieur le Maire, you'll wear a different chaaaaaiin

Authoress: MUAHAHA AWESOMELY LOW NOTE!

Erik:

Before you say another word, Javert!

Before you chain me up like a slave again

Listen to me! There is something I must do.

This woman leaves behind a suffering child! None of this rhymes.

There is none but me who can intercede.

In mercy's name, three days are all I need.

Then I'll return, I pledge my word.

Then I'll return! My derriere he'll return.

Piangi: "Need" and "intercede" rhyme, so there!

You must think me mad!

I've hunted you across the years!

Men like you can never change!

A man... such as you!

(They begin singing together).

Erik:

Believe of me what you will

There is a duty that I'm sworn to do!

You know nothing of my life

All I did was steal some bread

You know nothing of the world

You would sooner see me dead

But not before I see this justice done!

I am warning you, Javert

I'm a stronger man by far!

There is power in me yet,

My race is not yet run!

I am warning you, JAVERT!

There is nothing I won't dare

If I have to kill you here I'll do what must be done!

Meanwhile, Piangi:

Men like me can never change

Men like you can never change!

No, 24601

My duty's to the law

You have no rights!

Come with me 24601

Now the wheel has turned around!

Jean Valjean is nothing now!

Dare you talk to me of crime

And the price you had to pay

Every man is born in sin

Every man must choose his way!

You know nothing of JAVERT

I was born inside a jail!

I was born with scum like you!

I am from the gutter too!

(During this the Authoress has jumped to her feet and is wildly excited, as this is one of her absolute favorite parts of the entire play. She is bouncing up and down and singing along with Piangi in an impression of Philip Quast, and slightly disturbing a few of the people backstage.)

(Erik grabs a chair and breaks it over Piangi's head, knocking him out.)

Authoress: ERIK! You weren't s'posed to do that till later! And... that was bad! Now who's gonna finish the song? No... wait... I think I will.

(The Authoress jumps up onstage and runs to the dressing room, where she pulls on her very own overcoat and duct tapes on a pair of sideburns, both left over from last year's Halloween. She rushes back onstage, takes Piangi's nightstick, and pushes his body into the wings.)

Authoress: Okay, go!

Erik: (to Bahorel's "dead" body, which is still in the roll-y bed)

And this I swear to you tonight!

Authoress:

There is no place for you to hide!

Erik:

Your child will live within my care!

Authoress:

Wherever you may hide away!

Erik:

And I will raise her to the light!

Both:

I swear to you, I will be there!

(Erik rushes over the Authoress with part of the chair, but she whaps him with her nightstick.)

Erik: (faints)

Authoress:Oops. Sorry, it was a reflex. Here, somebody help me carry him offstage. Shoot, by the time this show is over we really will need a hospital...