A/N- I LIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIVE! Muaha.
AngelMusic- Never fear, I shall carefully include you! -Smeagol with rabbit laugh-
Bubonic Woodchuck- Tell your conscience it's water and raise a glass! I must be very cheerful today, as I really want to put "Muahaha" at the end of everything I type...
Tziporah- It's a crime to be uneducated to LOTR, but it's even worse to say it's stupid without seeing it. -shakes fist-
Jaded Lover- I think Erik's been annoyed with this whole affair ever since I tricked him with the five bucks just before I Dreamed A Dream. I'm so abusive...
VampireNextDoor- I just can't "convert" to E/C... it's like saying Marius loved Eponine or Aragorn loved Eowyn (or Eowyn loved Grima, for that matter)... It's just not right! Good luck with the Spanish homework.
nebulia- Insanity is what first brought me to fanfiction... it's just so fun and ca-razy! Sometimes. And yay for the Scarlet Pimpernel! I got the CD for Christmas, and I'm starting to REALLY like Terrence Mann. Not as Javert, though. Just Chauvelin and the Beast and that Czogoloczczczcz guy in Assassins. I should really learn how to spell that...
lazy.kender19- Augh, this was a terriblly longupdate! Never fear, though, I'll try to prevent it from happenning again. Is that how you spell happenning? Hmm...
MaskedPhantom- Did you hear that, Erik? Ah, well, he knows it. Heh.
H. Sibelius- Yay, you have wandered into the insanity that is this crazy never-ending story! Hehe... it's okay, I've read some stories I had no idea what was going on. Just remember one thing - all of these people are OOC... you probably noted that with poor Bahorel.
Aislin of the Shadows- They are now! Hehehehehe... And because it was your idea, I'll make it... your idea! Whoa, that's creative.
ErikaNapoleonica- Man of La Mancha! I like that quite a lot... my CD of it was destroyed, however... -weeps- I dunno, Raoul's a little crazy... but so is everyone else... obviously.
Sorrowful Wind-Whisperer- For shame, madame! Of course Raoul is cute! He's adorkable!
Elyse3- There's a thought... muaha. The Odyssey... blargh... so boring...
Phantomraver- Yay for "not minding" Raoul! Heh. I'm really the opposite - Raoul is my favorite but, contrary to all appearances, I don't mind Erik. And don't worry - I've not had the chance to see Phantom onstage, but here I write this phic.
anon reviewer- I know.
Laiqualaurelote- I got mine! Huzzah! And I spent all Christmas morning watching it.
Devonny Strauss- YES. HUGE recommendation for Jekyll & Hyde. Splendid, splendid show. As to things I have planned, surprising... nothing. I just sorta make it up as I go along... which is why it's so random.
Aria- This story still lives! Somewhat... Isn't it great to try to impersonate the actors? Or to act out what they're doing on the TAC video? Muaha I'm crazy.
(The characters are all sitting around on the edge of the stage, swinging their legs or sleeping or… just being bored. The reviewers are all asleep in the audience. All is silent. A dressing room door swings backstage, and a crumpled-up playbill rolls by.)
Carlotta: Where ees sat-a Ausoress?
Philippe: That really is a terrible accent, you know.
Erik: I haven't seen her since she told me to be a drinker…
Raoul: Boredom… overtaking me… must… do… something…
Erik: Ooh, "overtaking"! Big word, fop.
Raoul: You can't talk to me that way! I'm under the Authoress's protection!
Erik: But the Authoress isn't here, is she?
Raoul: Still…
Erik: Fop. Fop fop fop fop fop.
Raoul: Stop it!
Christine: Oh, don't worry, my love! Just ignore him! He only wants attention, anyway.
Erik: Do not!
(No one says anything.)
Erik: Curse you all!
(Still no response.)
Erik: ARGH!
Philippe: Where's that guy from Les Mis? You know, the one with that creepy obsession with the elf…
(Everyone begins to search, but Bahorel is nowhere to be found. Passing a seemingly deserted dressing room, however, Firmin hears the sounds of talking. He pokes his head in.)
Giant Television: A red sun rises. Blood has been spilled this night.
(Bahorel is sitting cross-legged in front of the screen, his nose about an inch away from the picture.)
Firmin: That's just gay.
(He returns to the stage.)
Erik: I'm still bored. Who wants to play… strip poker?
Raoul: I do! … Wait… what is strip poker?
Christine: Just walk away, dearest. Walk away.
Erik: WHY IS EVERYONE SO MEAN TO ME?
Buquet: What a ridiculous question.
(Smoke suddenly pours into the theater, and a trapdoor opens in the stage. The Authoress jumps out.)
Authoress: Didja miss me? Huh? Huh? Didja?
Raoul: YAY! I'M SAVED!
Erik: Oh, great.
Madame Giry: Where were you? And why on Earth did that update take so long?
Authoress: I was working on my newest story, Charmer of the Shadows! It's the life story of my love Montparnasse, from birth to death… PG-13 for Montparnasse-ish-ness.
André: May we simply continue the show?
Authoress: Yeah, sure. Where'd we leave off? It's been so long I've forgotten.
Erik: You were about to make me drink.
Authoress: Ah, good, Master of the House. Who're all my drinkers?
(Erik raises his hand.)
Authoress: Well that's no good! I need 'bout eight.
Aislin of the Shadows: Ooh, ooh, pick me! Pick me!
Authoress: Oh, good, you're still here! Hey, the hidden feature on the third extended edition is hysterical! I fell out of my chair when Dom started going "Philippa… Phlipa… Flippa… Flipper…" Omigosh you should watch it. Anyway, all you reviewer chaps and chappettes, come drink with me!
(The reviewers scramble onstage and take their seats in the tavern that Raoul was good enough to clean up in the last two updates. The Authoress passes out tankards.)
AngelMusic: So who's who?
Authoress: I don't care.
Bubonic Woodchuck: So we all just sorta… go at it?
Authoress: Yup.
(The music begins.)
(No one sings.)
Authoress: I said, just go at it!
(The music begins again.)
(Elyse3 andH. Sibeliusbegin to sing at the same time, then stop.)
Authoress: I… JUST… WANT YOU… TO… SING!
(The music begins again.)
H. Sibelius:
Come on, you ol' pest!
Elyse3:
Fetch a bottle of your best!
Sorrowful Wind-Whisperer:
Wot's the nectar of the day?
Firmin:
'Ere try this lot!
Guaranteed to 'it the spot
Or I'm not Thénardier!
Erik:
Gissa glass o' rum!
Landlord over 'ere!
Firmin: (muttering)
Right away, ya scum…
RIGHT AWAY, M'SIEUR!
ErikaNapoleonica:
God, this place has gone to hell!
Phantomraver:
So ya tell me ev'ry year!
MaskedPhantom:
Mine 'ost Thénardier
'E was there, so they say
At the fields of Waterloo!
VampireNextDoor:
Got there it's true
When the fight was all through!
AngelMusic:
But 'e knew jus' wot to do!
Crawling through th' mud!
So I've 'eard it said!
Picking through th' pockets
Of the English dead!
Tziporah:
'E made a tidy score
From the spoils of war!
Firmin: I'm bored.
Authoress: WHAT? Sing your bit.
Firmin: I don't wanna. I'm bored.
Authoress: What would be less than boring?
Firmin: I dunno… Could I sing it like Carlotta?
Authoress: Heck, no! We've had enough Carlotta for one fic.
Firmin: Then I quit.
Authoress: You can't… well, fine, I'll just replace you. Okay, who wants to play Thénardier?
(There is no response.)
Authoress: Come on, guys! Who wants this role?
(A man steps out of the shadows. He is tall, with dark hair and nice clothes.)
Man: I could, if no one else will.
Christine: Who is that?
Man: I've been watching this show, Miss Daaé, and I must say that you have a splendid voice. As do you, Sir with the mask.
Authoress: How'd you get in here?
Man: I was wandering about in your mind, Miss Authoress, and I happened to see a door. I opened it, and I was led here.
Authoress: A door from my mind, you say? Cool.
Man: And I happened to notice your dilemma, and I supposed that I could aid you.
Authoress: Well, dandy! I dunno who you are, but go for it!
Man: Would it bother you if I simply began the song? I'm afraid I am not familiar with this bit at the beginning.
Authoress: Whatever floats your raft across your underground lake.
Man:
Welcome, M'sieur
Sit yourself down
And meet the best innkeeper in town.
As for the rest
All of them crooks
Rooking their guests
And cooking the books.
Seldom do you see
Honest men like me!
A gent of good intent who's content… to… (he trails off)
Dear God! What's this? (The Man puts a hand to his stomach.) Something is happening I can't explain… something inside me… A breathtaking pain… (His voice grows steadily louder) Devours, consumes me… And drives me insane! (He collapses onto the floor and goes into a fit. In the process of squirming around on the floor, he manages to muss his hair. And he springs to his feet again after a moment.)
Authoress: Dude! I know who you are!
Man: (in a much deeper voice than before) Who are you? What am I doing here? What do you want?
Authoress: Sing, Edward.
Man: How do you know my name?
Authoress: SING MASTER OF THE HOUSE OR YOU SHALL PERISH!
Man Now Know to be Edward: Erm… okay.
Master of the House
Doling out the charm
Ready with a handshake
And an open palm
Tells a saucy tale
Makes a little stir
Customers appreciate
A bon-viveur
Glad to do a friend a favor
Doesn't cost me to be nice
But nothing… (he too breaks off, collapsing onto the floor)
Authoress: This is ridiculous.
(The Man known as Edward gets back onto his feet, his hair smoothed again.)
Authoress: Henry, I presume?
Edward-Henry: Oh, no… Not here, not now!
Authoress: It's okay, doc. Just finish the song before everyone dies of boredom!
Henry: I can't! I must go!
Authoress: All right, fine. But don't leave that door open! More wackos could get in.
(The odd man has already left.)
Erik: And I thought I was weird.
Carlotta: Oo was that?
Authoress: That, my friends, was Doctor Henry Jekyll. With a brief appearance by Mr. Edward Hyde.
André: That's good and well, but what to do about this song? I'm really looking forward to it.
Authoress: I guess we'll have to skip it.
nebulia: Why don't you do Thénardier?
Authoress: … Why I didn't think of that, the world will never know. But we're cutting to the last verse.
(The Authoress rushes offstage to get into costume while André begins his verse.)
André:
I used to dream that I would meet a prince…
But God almighty, 'ave you seen wot's 'appened since?
"Master of the 'ouse"
Isn't worth me spit!
"Comforter, philosopher,"
And lifelong shit!
Cunning lit'l brain
Regular Voltaire!
Thinks 'e's quite a lover
But there's not much there!
Wot a cruel trick of nature
Landed me with such a louse!
God knows 'ow I've lasted
Living with this bastard
In the 'ouse!
(The Authoress comes dashing in as Thénardier, just in time to lead the assorted drinkers in another refrain.)
Authoress and Reviewers:
Master of the house!
André:
Master and an 'alf!
Chorus:
Comforter, philosopher…
André:
Don't make me laugh!
Chorus:
Servant to the poor
Butler to the great
André:
Hypocrite and toady
And inebriate!
Reviewers:
Everybody bless the landlord
Everybody bless his spouse!
Authoress:
Everybody raise a glass!
(All cheer.)
André:
Raise it up the master's ass!
(All shout and laugh.)
Authoress, André, and Reviewers:
Everybody raise a glass to the master of the house!
A/N- Sorry to all the reviewers I couldn't squish into this chapter! I still love you, I promise!