A/N- My Internet at home is broken, so I've been coming to the library during lunch to update... Man, does it suck.

AngelMusic- Christine has smoke coming out of her ears? FIRE! ...

Devonny Strauss- Yay I made you laugh... or go teehee.

Phantomraver- I just love the Thenardiers... they're so hilarious... and Cockney rocks!

Britomartis- A curse on sideburns? (protects Javert and Elvis) When you say Raoul, d'you mean the POTO movie or the show?

Jaded Lover- Think about it, though... Erik jut wanted attention the whole time! I'm willing to put money on it.

nebulia- Gerard Butler is an insult to Erik. And coming from me, that means a lot. That's really all I have to say...

H. Sibelius- No idea... prolly just randomness.

angelina 809- Okay! (runs away with Hyde) Ah no! Death by deduction!

Zecorda- Why does wet Erik make you splutter? Wait... I might not want to know...

galabalesh- Don't worry! Out of boredom I've begun to bring in many a random character from other shows...

Aislin of the Shadows- You're right it'll catch on... and I think Erik's Enj, I forgot too... I'll remember that Billy Flynn thing.

Tziporah- Ah! The EE is splendid and wonderful! I love Sauruman's boots.

lazy.kender19- Uh-oh... yeah, I told Jekyll to shut the door, so we should be safe... unless he forgot...

Aquamirajie Tararei- Never fear! She returns with a bang in the next chapter!

Cyprus Tree- According to Gaston Leroux, Raoul is not a mindless twit. And according to me (sort of...)

Bubonic Woodchuck- I know! And the thing about Flipper! I really did fall out of my chair when he did that and I laughed until I cried. No lie.

Elyse3- Ooh, I do desire it! That's a brilliant name. And amen in your protection of the dear Vicomte.

Baffled Seraph- NOOOOO! (saves Raoul) Les Mis does indeed rock!

(The characters are all having a drink… of water… and congratulating themselves on the success of their unforgivably shortened song. The Authoress has disappeared again, but she returns with her arms full of boxes.)

Authoress: 'Ello, 'ello! I bought presents for everyone!

Raoul: Presents? Yay!

(The Authoress starts handing out the boxes, and everyone unwraps their gift.)

Firmin: It's… a hat… shaped like horns…

André: Mine's shaped like a chicken…

Madame Giry: Tickets to the circus?

Carlotta: A doggie?

Buquet: (holding up a book) "How to Work in a Phantom-Infested Theater Without Dying"… erm… You shouldn't have?

Authoress: Open the other part!

(Buquet unwraps a little brown flask.)

Buquet: What's this for?

Authoress: It's yours!

Buquet: (shaking it) It's bloody empty.

(The Authoress laughs hysterically at this, and no one is really sure why.)

Erik: (opening his gift) What is that thing?

Authoress: It's a monkey just for you! I named it Daroga.

Erik: Daroga…?

Daroga: Ook-ook!

Christine: My gift is ticking…

(Erik dives across the stage and grabs her box, throwing it as far as he can. A moment later an explosion is heard from the other end of the theater.)

Christine: You took my present!

Erik: I just saved your life!

Christine: Oh, sure you did.

Erik: (to the Authoress) Why were you trying to blow Christine up?

Authoress: (whistles innocently… or she would, if she could whistle. Instead she hums… innocently.)

Christine: Raoul! Erik took my present before I could open it!

Raoul: (to Erik) You took her present? You're nothing but a big smelly meanie!

Erik: I saved her life!

Raoul: You stole her present!

Erik: Did not!

Raoul: Did so! Meanie!

Authoress: Okay, okay, that's enough.

Raoul: Wait… Why didn't I get a present?

(The Authoress just stares at him in awe.)

Raoul: Hellooo…?

(Stare.)

Erik: What on earth happened to her?

Raoul: I think she's gone crazy.

Erik: She didn't have very far to go.

Madame Giry: Excuse me, Mam'zelle Authoress?

Authoress: Hmm?

Madame Giry: Where is my little Meg?

Authoress: Backstage somewhere…

Madame Giry: I just checked. She's not there.

Authoress: What the- Well, I guess she woke up and left. Is Piangi still there?

Madame Giry: Yes.

Authoress: Good. We don't want him running around… speaking of running around, where's Bahorel?

Madame Giry: I don't know, mademoiselle, but are you aware that it's been three Microsoft Word pages and we have yet to do anything?

Authoress: Oh, right… Can everyone get in place for the Waltz?

Raoul: We're gonna waltz?

Authoress: (Stare. Drool.)

Raoul: She's starting to frighten me.

Erik: Starting?

Raoul: Yes, why?

Erik: She-

Authoress: Get in your places or die!

(The stage has turned to show a little well, and Raoul takes his bucket and goes to it. Erik comes up behind him. Raoul turns around and shouts. In fear, that is.)

Erik:

Hush now; do not be afraid of me.

Don't cry. Show me to where you live.

Tell me, my child, what is your name?

Raoul:

I'm called Cosette.

(The two return to the Thénardier tavern, where the Authoress and André are shooing out the last of the guests and cleaning up.)

Erik:

I found her wandering in the wood, this little child

I found her trembling in the shadows.

And I am here to help Cosette

And I will settle any debt

You may think proper.

I will pay what I must pay

To take Cosette away…

There is a duty I must heed.

There is a promise I have made

For I was blind to one in need

I did not see what stood before me.

Now her mother is with God!

(The Authoress and André make a show out of crying and moaning… for about two seconds.)

Fantine's suffering is over!

And I speak here with her voice- that would be weird, wouldn't it? I mean, if he spoke with a woman's voice…

Authoress: I'm not playing with you.

Erik:

And I stand here in her place! And from this day and evermore-

André:

Let me 'ave yer coat, m'sieur?

Erik:

Cosette shall live in my protection.

Authoress:

You are very welcome 'ere!

Erik:

I will not forsake my vow!

Authoress:

Take a glass!

André:

Take a chair!

Erik:

Cosette shall have a father now… Before we really begin, Authoress, I'd like you to know how difficult it is for me to say that I'll take the Royal Fop here away from an abusive environment to live safely with me in Paris.

Authoress: D'you think it's easy for me to let you take poor, sweet Patrick Wi- I mean Raoul! – away from me?

Erik: Didn't look at it that way.

Raoul: Patrick Wi?

Erik: Just let it go…

Authoress:

Wot to do? Wot to say?

Shall you carry our treasure away? Watch, I can do it like Barry James on the CSR!

Wot a gem! Wot a pearl!

Beyond rrrlbbbbbiiiiels is our little girl!

'Ow can we speak of debt?

Let's not 'aggle for darling Colette. (André leans over and whispers something in her ear.) Cosette!

Dear Fantine, gone to rest… (André wails and pretends to cry).

'Ave we done for 'er child wot is best?

Shared out bread! Shared each bone!

Treated 'er like she's one of our own…

Like our own, m'sieur!

Erik: Oh, then you don't want me taking her- him. I'd lock him in my torture chamber and throw lampreys on him.

Authoress: No you wouldn't, because I'd kill you.

Erik: Of course.

Your feelings do you credit, sir.

And I will ease the parting blow

Let us not talk of bargains or bones or greed

(He sets some money on the table.)

Now may I say we are agreed?

Has anyone else noticed that I'm the only person in this scene who is actually the same gender as the character I'm portraying?

André:

That would quite

Fit the bill

If she 'adn't so often been ill!

Little dear cost us dear! Medicines are expensive, m'sieur!

Not that we'd begrudge a sou…

It's no more than we Christians must do!

(The Authoress makes the sign of the Cross wrong as Erik puts some more money on the table.)

Authoress and André:

One thing more!

One small doubt!

There are treacherous people about!

No offense!

Please reflect!

Your intentions may not be correct…

(Erik puts down even more money. Poor chap.)

Erik:

No more words! Here's your price!

Fifteen hundred for your sacrifice!

Raoul: Fifteen hundred what?

Erik: Don't you dare start that again!

Come, you brat! Say goodbye!

Let us seek out a friendlier sky!

Thank you both for Cosette.

It won't take you too long to forget…

(The Authoress and André didn't hear a word of that, for they were much too busy counting up their newly… earned… money. Erik leaves with Raoul.)

Come, you brat! Come, my dear.

From now on I will always be here. Where I go you will be…

Raoul:

Please don't say that! You're

Frightening me!

Erik:

Yes, Raoul, yes, it's true.

There's a life with me waiting for you…

(Raoul gulps as Erik shoves him offstage.)

Authoress: QUIT THAT NOW OR DIE! Don't hurt poor little Patrick.

Raoul: Er… my name's Raoul.

Authoress: That's what I said.

Erik: That's it, I'm summoning the police.

(A small man with a fox-like face wearing all black and clutching a snuffbox emerges from the shadows.)

Little Man: I've come, citoyen. What did you need of me?

Authoress: I TOLD JEKYLL TO SHUT THAT DOOR!