A/N- Yay an update! The last chapter got screwed up, as you may have noticed. I spent about fifteen minutes answering reviews and somehow they didn't show up... Okay, so it's an exaggeration... Cyber cookies to everyone who reviewed, and two to bundlesojoy, who was supposed to be the "REVIEWER" who had a line...
AngelMusic- Have no fear... I didn't even notice the mistake. I love that idea... in fact, I love your idea so much that I address it in this chapter... whoo.
Tziporah- Yes, poor Chauvelin... what a thought...
Elyse3- Oh... you're right. Oh well. That soup scene... I love it so very much... No one else seems to get it...
nebulia- I think I like the musical ending better... Did you know you can buy the DVD with the alternate ending? It's like a kajillion dollars, but I still friggin want it... BAD.
Baffled Seraph- Yeah... gotta love those psycho murderous puppies... Hehe... there's a thought...
H. Sibelius- Again I thank you... You always respond to stupid reviewers before I get a chance, so I don't have to get Gollum on their booties. Oh, and I will not rest until you have become a fan of the sweet abused vicomte, by the way.
Jaded Lover- That movie ruined my love for Raoul/Christine! Well, didn't ruin it... just messed me up a little. I'm recovering, though... I have to re-teach myself to allow Christine to have Raoul...
galaba- I just love embarrassing myself and my friends in big crowds. Every time I see the movie I yell "Your hand at the level of your eyes!" just before ickle Raoul gets punjabbed... Such looks I get...
Alanna-of-Olau- Haha you said it too! So now you're in the chapter. I abuse Erik because hardly anyone else will, and there are far too many people being nice to him these days.
Rei- Here she is, just for you!
Aislin of the Shadows- Muahaha... I actually said Audrey III, but it was the plant, not the girl. Chauvelin is an obsessive member of the French police who loves snuff. Sound familiar? But he's from The Scarlet Pimpernel... and he's played by Terrence Mann on my CD, ironically.
LoverofBalto- I don't like Erik because he's evil... and because phangirls annoy me. Mostly because I love Raoul so much more.
Saber- Don't mean to insult you when insulting Erik... But c'mon, you know it's a (nice?) change from all the Raoul bashers! And here comes Carlotta again, just for you!
Elle-'Nolan- I love the idea of Erik blowing up household appliances... Poor Erik... see, you're abusing him too! But with too much love...
bobmcbobbob1- Yeah... you and every other phan... ButRaoul really, really isn't a fop. Ask Gaston Leroux, he'll back me up... oh wait... he died... crap!
Bubonic Woodchuck- Oooh... I want a Sam throw! Hehe... or a Patrick Wilson throw! Augh! eBay, what a good plan! Though I don't know about his fingers being sexy...
Sis- Who, me? A Patrick Wilson fan? Hehe... I pride my nonsensicality... and I wonder if that's a word. The weirdest part is that I don't even drink soda or coffee or anything like that... imagine how I'd be if I did!
Nyeren- Hey, everything's great with insanity and Schonberg! Even... um... absinthe. Muaha! Oh, wait... I'm making no sense... surprise, surprise.
Sorrowful Wind-Whisperer- Another Patrick Wilson fan? There's more of us? Of me? Really? Cos I'm hardup for fellow Raoul supporters at the moment... The empty flask was an allusion to POTC, for Kevin McNally was in both POTC and POTO.
MaskedPhantom- Yay for Butlerbashers! But I must disagree about the level of sexiness you claim Erik has...
(The Authoress is running up flight after flight of stairs.)
Authoress: Must... stop... love... burglary...
(She finally sees Raoul and Christine sitting on a bench on floor twenty-four thousand six hundred and one, panting.)
Authoress: Haha! I thought you'd give up!
Christine: Where... (pant) is... (gasp) the roof?
Authoress: What? There's no roof to my mind! That doesn't even make sense!
Raoul: Does any of this make sense?
(The Authoress grabs him and pulls him back down the stairs after her.)
Christine: Wait...!
(Christine takes a deep breath and goes running down the stairs. A random trap door opens and she falls into a huge tank of water.)
Raoul: Christine! NOOOOOOOO! (he bursts into tears)
Authoress: Oh, please don't cry...
Raoul: I love her! Does that mean nothing? I love her! Show some compassion!
Authoress: Unh... You said that to Erik... you're comparing me to Erik... Augh! What have I become!
(The trapdoor disappears. Christine comes running down the stairs, perfectly dry.)
Raoul: Oh, Christine! The evil Phantom-Authoress didn't kill you!
Authoress: Go... I need to be alone.
(Raoul and Christine continue back down to the stage. The Authoress produces a mirror and stares at herself in it.)
Authoress: What... is this creature... that I see...?
(Meanwhile, Raoul and Christine have returned to the stage.)
Erik: Christine, Christine! I have the perfect solution to all our problems! You come with me, and the Authoress can have your foppish vicomte!
Alanna-of-Olau: Yay!
AngelMusic: See, that's what I said.
Saber: You know you love him, Christine! I mean, what's not to love?
Elyse3: What's not to love? Maybe that he's a murderer, and he's deformed... and his hands smell like death!
(One of the Authoress's trademark cyber cookies floats down from the ceiling and lands in Elyse's lap.)
Erik: Come on, Christine! You know you want me!
Christine: Oh, Raoul! Make him stop!
Raoul: (pulling a crucifix out of his shirt) Back, Satan!
(A dark-haired young man wanders in, followed by a pretty young girl.)
Girl: Ew, Marius, look! It's a zombie!
(Her companion looks over at Erik.)
Marius: OH MY GOD, MY GOD!
Raoul: That's my line...
Marius: What? I'm not a plagiarist!
Girl: Honey, is that even a word?
Marius: Is what even a word, Cosette?
Chauvelin: If we were back home I'd have you all guillotined.
(The Authoress comes running back down the stairs followed by yet another dark-haired young man.)
Authoress: Okay, I've got it all figured... Marius and Cosette! This is getting too crowded with non-Phantom characters...
Bahorel: (wandering in wearing an Orlando Bloom tee) Marius Pontmercy!
Marius: Bahorel! What are you doing here?
Bahorel: I get to be in Les Mis!
Marius: What?
(Cosette goes over to Christine.)
Cosette: I just love your dress... where'd you get it?
Christine: Joel Schumacher, I think. You really like it? I thought the red hood was a bit much...
Cosette: No, it's quite pretty.
Authoress: Okay, people! Even I'm confused, and I'm writing the phic. Cosette and Marius... go to Into the Streets and stay there. (They leave.) Thank you. Chauv, you can stay here for now.
Chauvelin: Bliss.
Authoress: Now, to return to the matter of my becoming another... Erik.
AngelMusic: What's wrong with being Erik?
Authoress: A lot of things. But I figured it out, and Raoul, you can stay with... Christine.
Raoul: Really? And you won't kill her?
Authoress: I'll try. Listen, in this story I'm highly distracted by your Patrick Wilson-ness... because Patrick Wilson is dead sexy. In fact, I even had a dream last night that I was having a Phantom-themed party and Patrick Wilson showed up and then there was this weird part where Fluffy M'love was driving a police car and Bernadette Peters was an evil dentist... but that's beside the point. What was I talking about?
Erik: Letting the vifop have my Christine.
Christine: Raoul... help...
Raoul: (waving the cross) Back, Lucifer, back!
Erik: (rolls eyes) Ahh... help me... I'm melting...
Authoress: If you aren't, you should be.
Erik: I'll get you, my pretty... and that random guy standing behind you, too.
Authoress: You think I'm pretty?
Christine: Um... who is that guy standing behind you?
Authoress: Right! This is my great solution to the abuse of poor Raoul. Are you ready?
Assorted Characters: Um... sure... whatever...
Authoress: This... is... pause for effect...
Raoul: What kind of name is Pause for Effect?
Christine: No, dear...
Erik: Fop.
Authoress: (to Erik) Shut up, you idiot.
Erik: (spluttering) I...! An idiot...!
Authoress: This... is... Montparnasse!
(Blank stares all around.)
Bahorel: Wait... I know that name...
Authoress: Yes! It's Montparnasse the sexy murderer slash robber!
(Everyone takes a step back.)
Montparnasse: (offended) What?
Erik: Wait just a minute! I'm a murderer and you hate me for it!
Authoress: But 'Parnasse is a sexy murderer slash robber. He's a youth of under twenty with a pretty face, lips like cherries, glossy dark hair and the glow of springtime in his eyes. He is a gamin turned vagabond; a vagabond turned assassin, smooth, graceful, and ferocious. His is a fashionplate living in distress and committing murder, and the root of all his crimes is his desire to be well-dressed. The first wench who praised his good looks instilled blackness into his heart, making a Cain of this Abel... such is this flower of the underworld, this charmer of the shadows.
(More blank stares.)
Erik: Did you just make all that up?
Authoress: No... It's what I remember from what Hugo wrote...
Montparnasse: Hugo?
Authoress: Don't worry about it.
Erik: You memorized all that?
Raoul: Oh! Montparnasse! I remember! That's the robber I play in this next scene thing!
Authoress: Yep.
Raoul: Am I being replaced?
Authoress: Not in the show... But I need a distraction... so you can stay with Christine without my objecting...
Christine: Sounds good to me.
Raoul: Wait... It's just that easy to replace me?
Authoress: No, dangit, now do this scene!
Raoul: Oh yeah...
Authoress: I have an idea! Call me crazy, but... Montparnasse... I wanna put you in the show.
Montparnasse: Why?
Authoress: Cos I just do.
Montparnasse: Um... okay.
(Everyone gets in their places – Madame Giry, Buquet, Erik, and Raoul crowd around the Authoress, André, and Christine.)
Authoress:
Everyone 'ere?
You know yer place!
Brujon, Babet, Claquesous!
You, Montparnasse... that is, Raoul...
Watch for the law!
With Eponine, take care!
You turn on the tears!
No mistakes, my dears...
Montparnasse: Wait, wait... no. No. You're supposed to be Thénardier? Thénardier doesn't talk like that... and why is Brujon here instead of Gueulemer?
Authoress: Because, love, you and I didn't write the stage musical... and that's probably a good thing, too.
Bahorel: (pops in) Same reason I'm not in it... (leaves)
Montparnasse: Right...
(Erik and Raoul dash offstage and re-enter in their Marius and Enjolras suits... which are oh-so-different from the Montparnasse and Claquesous clothes...)
André:
These bloody students on our streets!
'Ere they come slummin' once again!
Our Eponine would kiss their feet!
She never 'ad a scrap of brain!
(Christine wanders over to Raoul.)
Raoul:
Hey Eponine, what's up today?
I haven't seen you much about.
Christine:
'Ere you can always catch me in.
Raoul:
Mind the police don't catch you out.
Christine: (taking the books from his hand)
'Ere, watcha do with all them books?
I coulda been a student too!
Don't judge a girl on how she looks!
I know a lot of things I do.
Raoul:
Poor Eponine, the things you know
You wouldn't find in books like these
Christine: (touching his hair)
I like the way you grow your hair...
Raoul:
I like the way you always tease.
(He turns to help Erik pass out money to the po' folk or something.)
Christine:
Little he knows...
Little he sees...
(Erik glares at the Authoress before running offstage and returning in his Valjean outfit with Carlotta in tow.)
André:
'Ere's the old boy!
Stay on the job
And watch out for the law!
Christine: (reluctantly shoving Raoul away)
Stay out of this!
Raoul:
But Eponine-
Christine:
You'll be in trouble here
It's not your concern
You'll be in the clear.
Raoul: (pointing at Erik Valerik)
Who is this man?
Christine: (pushing him again)
Leave me alone!
Raoul:
Why is he here?
Hey Eponine!
(Christine shoves him again, and he runs smack into... Carlotta.)
Oh, must I, Authoress?
Authoress: Yes you must. Or I could put my love Montparnasse in as Cosette...
Montparnasse: That idiot girl in the garden? Never!
Authoress: Or Chauvelin... where is Chauv?
(Madame Giry hands the Authoress an envelope with a seal in the shape of a guillotine.)
Madame Giry: The man with the snuffbox left you this...
Authoress: (reading the letter) "You guys are really weird. I'm getting the heck out of here while I still can. Yours, Citoyen Chauvelin." Fine then. Who needs him?
(A moment passes.)
Authoress: What were we doing?
Carlotta: My scene-a weeth ze vicomte.
Authoress: Oh, okay. So... Marius AKA icklekins... I mean Raoul... has just met the love of his life Cosette, or Carlotta, because poor unloved Christonine shoved him into her.
Montparnasse: Eponine isn't unloved.
Authoress: Hush! Don't give away my story.
Montparnasse: Yes ma'am.
Authoress: Take it away, Raoul!
Raoul: (muttering)
Ididn'tseeyouthereforgiveme.
(Carlotta grins at him and then looks at the rest of the cast.)
Carlotta: 'E love-a me. 'E love-a me.
Authoress: Your part is silent, little toad.
Erik: A toad, mad-
Authoress: Shut up. (to Erik, as Thénardier)
Please, m'sieur!
Come this way!
'Ere's a child 'oo ain't eaten today!
Save a life!
Spare a sou!
God rewards all th' good that ya do!
(Erik comes closer.)
Wait a bit... know that face!
And th' world a remarkable place!
Men like me don't forget!
You're the... jolly old chap... 'oo borrowed Cosette!
(She reaches for Erik and ends up ripping his shirt, exposed the prison tattoo on his chest. The phangirls squeal.)
bobmcbobbob1: OMG HE'S SOO HOTT!
Elyse3: His hands smell like death, I tell you!
Erik:
What is this?
Are you mad?
No, m'sieur, you don't know what you do!
Authoress:
You know me, you know me!
I'm a con jus' like you!
(Christine dashes in.)
Christine:
S'the police, disappear!
Run for it! It's Javert!
(The music reaches a splendid beat and everyone leans forward on their seats with excitement. However, Javert does not enter.)
Authoress: Par les oiseaux! Piangi's been out for the most of this show, hasn't he? Ever since... someone... knocked him out during the Confrontation...
Erik: What? You told me to!
Authoress: But... the demented Authoress always has a plan!
(There is a collective "oh dear" and quite a lot of dread in general from the cast.)
Authoress: Hmm... who to choose... (her evil grin says quite clearly that she has already chosen a victim...)
(Raoul has pulled out the crucifix from earlier, and he seems to be praying. Christine has covered her face in her hands. Erik is glaring threateningly at the Authoress, fingering a Punjab lasso. The managers, Buquet, and Madame Giry are trying to go unnoticed in the corner. Carlotta is clearing her throat and waving.)
Authoress: Shut up, Carlotta. I already picked someone, and it isn't you.
Erik: Well, who is it, you freak? Don't torture us!
Authoress: Wow... Let me just treasure this moment. Erik called me a freak... and Erik told me not to torture people... This is coming from the death's head holding a noose... No, no, let me have my moment.
Raoul: Please tell us!
Authoress: Okay. I pick Montparnasse.
Montparnasse: WHAT! I'm not in on this thing!
Authoress: You are now, sweetheart. Here's the greatcoat... the hat... the stick thingy... Aw, you look hot as Javert.
Montparnasse: I WON'T... Really? I look good like this?
Authoress: Oh yeah. I'd glomp you right here, but I want the chapter to continue.
Montparnasse: And... I guess I get to rough people up a bit...
Authoress: Sure do.
Montparnasse: Okay, I'll do it.
Authoress: Good, cos you didn't have a choice. (She shoves him onstage.)
Christine:
S'the police! Disappear!
Run for it! It's Javert!
(The robbers all attempt to escape, but Montparnasse comes in and they mostly just get into a position similar to a school tornado drill. Montparnasse takes the nightstick and waves it around.)
Montparnasse: This thing's cool.
Another brawl in the square!
Another stink in the air!
Was there a witness to this?
Well, let him speak to Javert! (over his shoulder, to Valerik)
M'sieur, the streets are not safe,
But let these vermin beware!
We'll see that justice is done! (He goes over to the criminals, that is, the Authoress, André, Christine, Madame Giry and Buquet. Meanwhile, Valerik looks around, finds Carlette, who's with Raoul, and they leave.)
Look upon this fine collection
Crawled from underneath a stone!
This swarm of worms and maggots
Could have picked you to the bone! (pointing at the Authoress)
I know this... man... over here!
I know his name and his trade
And on your witness, M'sieur,
We'll see him suitably paid (he turns back to Valerik, only to find that he's gone! Dun dun dun...)
But where's the gentleman gone?
And why on earth did he run?
Authoress: (leaning up)
You will 'ave a job to catch 'im!
'E's the one you should arrest!
No more bourgeois when you scratch 'im
Than that brand upon 'is chest!
Montparnasse:
Could it be he's some old jailbird
That the tide now washes in?
Heard my name and started running
Had the brand upon his skin.
And the girl who stood beside him
When I turned they both had gone...
Could he be the man I've hunted?
Could it be he's Jean Valjean?
Wait a minute... I'm from Les Misérables, am I not?
Authoress: You are...
Montparnasse: Then how come I don't know any Jean Valjean?
Authoress: D'you know Ultime Fauchelevant?
Montparnasse: Um... no.
Authoress: Mayor Madeleine?
Montparnasse: Hm-mm...
Authoress: Oh! Well, remember the white-haired old man who beat you up and gave you his money?
Montparnasse: How d'you know about that?
Authoress: That's Valjean.
Montparnasse: The old man who beat me up? Is he here? I swear if I ever see that blockhead again... that stupid old babbler... this time I'll be the one giving the sermon! Where is he?
Authoress: I'll tell you if you finish the scene.
In the absence of a victim,
Dear inspector, may I go?
And remember when you've nicked 'im
It was me wot told you so!
Montparnasse: (with a strange intensity)
Let the old man keep on running
I will run him off his feet! (suddenly aware that everyone is staring at him)
Everyone about your business!
Clear this garbage off the street!
(The relieved thieves... hey, that sounds cool... well, they leave. Omigosh! The relieved thieves leave! That's so cool!)
Montparnasse: Now tell me where that old man is!
Authoress: Sing 'Stars' first.
Montparnasse: And then you'll tell me?
Authoress: Er... yeah.
Montparnasse: I'll do it.
(A pale girl wearing lots of black leather with black hair and several odd piercings comes in.)
Scary Goth: I'm back. Did you miss me?
Authoress: Um... who the heck are you?
Scary Goth: You don't recognize me?
Authoress: Uh-duh... no...
Scary Goth: It's me, Meg!
(And we end the chapter as Madame Giry goes into a swoon.)