(A group of Japanese men in suits is sitting at a table, shouting things that no one understands. A waitress with a nametag that reads 'Judy'' confronts the Authoress, Raoul, and Montparnasse.)
Judy: (pointing to the Japanese men) You with them?
Authoress: No, we're searching for a masked man, a blonde girl, and a lot of teenagers with shirts that had half masks on them.
Judy: Oh, yeah... They came through, said they weren't hungry cos they ate a bunch of chocolate someplace. I think they went on to the North Pole.
Authoress: Crap!
Raoul: What's wrong with the North Pole? I've been there. The snow is quite pretty.
Authoress: My ex-boyfriend lives at the North Pole.
Raoul: That's ridiculous! No one could live at the North Pole, silly!
Montparnasse: Can people talk to dogs and birds?
Raoul: No.
Montparnasse: Can they walk into a drawing and then back out of it?
Raoul: No.
Montparnasse: Has that stuff happened here?
Raoul: Yeah.
Montparnasse: So what makes you think they can't live at the North Pole?
Raoul: I suppose you're right, monsieur... um...?
Authoress: Montparnasse. Don't call him Jules, he'll kill you.
Raoul: (paling) I wouldn't dream of it!
Authoress: Good. Now follow me.
(She leaves the restaurant, and when the three reach a snowy street she produces a snow globe from somewhere and shakes it. Nothing happens.)
Raoul: Um... Mademoiselle...
Authoress: Shhh.
(There is a slight noise, and an overweight man in red floats down out of the sky, an inflated sack in one hand.)
Raoul: Oh dear.
Authoress: Hiya, Santa! We need to go to the North Pole, quick! We're in pursuit of Erik and his fangirls.
Santa: That Erik! He's so deep in the naughty list!
Raoul: What about me? Am I on the naughty list?
Santa: Raoul de Chagny? No, don't think so.
Raoul: (pointing to Montparnasse) What about him?
Santa: Jules Montparnasse? Of course he is!
Montparnasse: What did you call me?
Authoress: You didn't hear that.
Raoul: (whispering) Is Monsieur Montparnasse going to kill Father Christmas?
Authoress: Don't worry about it, honey.
(Meanwhile, onstage...)
nebulia: It's time for Red and Black!
Elyse3: But... isn't Erik, like... everybody?
Maska: He isn't Marius.
Tziporah: That was Raoul, and he's gone too!
Elyse3: Should we wait?
nebulia: I guess so...
(They sit down in the corner.)
(The Authoress, Raoul, and Montparnasse have arrived at the North Pole, and Santa returns to... some other place, where he was before.)
Raoul: See! No one could live here!
(He is, to all appearances, correct, for there is nothing but ice in every direction. The pretty red and white striped pole is sticking up from a mound of snow.)
Authoress: Trust me, sugarbum.
Raoul: Sugarbum?
Authoress: (sighing) Fluffy's math teacher called him that once... He was pretty scared. I was looking back through Beauty in the Sexy Beast, my script parody that got removed, and I found this place where I was talking about Fluffy... that was before I liked him. I called him "the guy who looks like Elijah Wood with blondish hair." I'd forgotten that I used to say he looks like Elijah Wood, but he sorta did...
Montparnasse: Fluffy?
Authoress: Yeah... He's sending me into a severe state of depression right now... have you read Ache?
Raoul: I have!
Authoress: Now we must think on something else, though, or I'll get too depressed to continue the lightheartedness that is this phic.
Montparnasse: How about finding that man with the mask and all those girls?
Raoul: Christine!
Authoress: You're right! We're on a mission! (She taps the top of the North Pole, and a little keypad pops out.)
Raoul: Ooh...
(The Authoress types 1-2-3-9, and the little control panel slides back in. She shepherds Montparnasse and Raoul over to a certain place where they must stand. In a moment the snow around them cracks and slowly begins sinking into the ground. Music begins to play, and the Authoress sings along.)
Authoress and Creepy Voice: In the silence of the night... when the snow is soft and still... you can see the magic light... and hear the ring of Christmas bells...
Raoul: (to Montparnasse) Are we going to die?
Montparnasse: I was just beginning to think we had already, and this was hell.
Authoress: Language!
(The ice they are riding sinks right down into the middle of a busy workshop. Adorkable elves are hurrying around everywhere. The music fades away.)
Montparnasse: Oh help.
(The Authoress hops off of the ice and hurries over to a curly-haired little boy elf in green.)
Authoress: Larry! Hey, Larry!
(The elf turns in annoyance, then gapes at her.)
Larry: Erin? What are you doing here? I thought you-
Authoress: Dumped Bernard? Yes, I did. I'm looking for some people, and I want to find them before Bernard finds me.
Larry: Who're you dating now?
Authoress: No one. At the moment I'm sitting around and obsessing over a senior who doesn't even care that I'm alive.
Larry: You dumped Bernard for that?
Authoress: Look, I really don't need to get into this right now...
Larry: Wait a minute... if you dumped Bernard to pout over some other guy, how come two men are following you around?
Authoress: Huh? Oh, Parnasse and Raoul? No, they're helping me find these people I'm looking for, which is why I need you to-
(They are interrupted when another voice says from the distance...)
Voice: Hey, who's causin' all the trouble around here?
Authoress: Oh, goodness... Quick, Larry, where's the Phantom and the phangirls?
Larry: (grinning evilly) Why don't you ask the head elf?
Authoress: Curse you.
(He is joined by a charming older elf with dark dreadlocks.)
Larry: Hey, Bernard, look who's here.
Bernard: (scowling at the Authoress) Quote: "I saw Jekyll & Hyde and realized that I love people like Hyde and Montparnasse much more than Bernard..." That hurts.
Authoress: Get another girlfriend! You're freaking sexy head elf! Just tell me where the Phantom of the Opera is!
Larry: New York or London, probably.
Authoress: I would hate to be responsible for murdering Santa's elves.
Montparnasse: (perking up) Murder?
Bernard: So you must be Montparnasse, then. Where's Edward Hyde, huh?
Authoress: Shut up, Bernard, I'm writing a phic here, and I highly doubt anyone cares about the chip on your shoulder...
Larry: I care!
Authoress: You shut up too. Where's Judy? She has sense.
Larry and Bernard: Hey!
Authoress: And where is Erik? I have to get to Red and Black!
(A gay-ish elf with a long blond braid wanders by.)
Authoress: Quentin! Where's the Phantom and the phangirls? Please, help me out here!
Quentin: Hallo, Erin! You mean the man with the mask?
Authoress: Yes!
Quentin: He's over in packaging, along with an unhappy blonde woman.
Raoul: Christine!
Bernard: (pointing at Raoul) See, that guy has a girlfriend!
Authoress: Shut up!
Bernard: (to Montparnasse) Hey, you! D'you have a girlfriend?
Montparnasse: Well... there's Eponine...
Bernard: They both have girlfriends!
Authoress: I'm ignoring you now.
(She drags Montparnasse and Raoul over to packaging, where she immediately sees a crowd of phangirls.)
Authoress: At last!
REVIEWER: Hey, you found us!
Authoress: Yes, I did... And I'm going to have to force you all to come back to the stage with me.
REVIEWER: Force us?
REVIEWER: Are you kidding?
REVIEWER: We've been trying to get back to the stage ever since we left Willy Wonka's Chocolate Factory!
J. B. Jazz: (singing) Willy Wonka! Willy Wonka! Willy Wonka! Willy Wonka!
REVIEWER: She's been doing that the whole time, too.
REVIEWER: We tried to sic Erik on her, but he was too caught up with trying to get Christine to love him.
Raoul: Christine? Where's Christine?
REVIEWER: With Erik.
Authoress: Where's Erik?
REVIEWER: He got in a fight with this weird angry elf with dreadlocks...
Authoress: Oh, great... What'd Bernard do to the poor Phantom?
(The reviewers point to two huge gift-wrapped boxes. The Authoress crosses over to one, which is shaking back and forth, and knocks on the side.)
Erik's Voice: Let me out of here!
Authoress: Splendid. (She unwraps the other, revealing a very dazed Christine.)
Raoul: Christine!
Christine: Raoul!
(They run to each other and start All-I-Ask-Of-You-ing.)
Authoress: I sure am glad I got over my Raoul possessiveness, or I'd probably have a problem right now. (sigh) I want to All-I-Ask-Of-You with Fluffy...
Bernard: Who's Fluffy?
Authoress: GET AWAY FROM ME!
(She grabs Montparnasse, Raoul, Christine, the Erik-box, and the phangirls.)
Authoress: We're leaving!
(And, just like that, they are back on the stage.)
Elyse3: Oh, yay, you're back!
nebulia: Yes, now we can see Erik do Red and Black all alone... Heh...
Maska: Where is Erik?
Authoress: In the big shiny box.
Tziporah: ... Should we even ask?
Authoress: Nah.
J.B. Jazz: Willy Wonka! Willy Wonka! Willy Wonka! Willy Wonka! Willy Wonka! Willy Wonka!
(The Phangirls have already unwrapped the Erik box, released the Phantom, and thrown J.B. Jazz inside, duct taping it shut. The singing continues, but it is muffled.)
J.B. Jazz's Voice: Mmfy-mmfm! Mmfy-mmfm! Mmfy-mmfm! Mmfy-mmfm! Mmfy-mmfm!
Elyse3: I can see how that would get annoying.
Authoress: Yup. Red and Black time!
(The stage lights come up on a room full of tables. One has a red tablecloth, just for plot convenience. Erik is standing in the middle, by the red table, wearing a simple suit to minimize frantic costume changes in the middle of the song.)
Erik: (heaving a melodramatic sigh as the music begins)
At Notre Dame the sections are prepared!
(dashing to another table)
At rue du Bac they're straining at the leash!
(running across the stage)
Students, workers, everyone!
There's a river on the run;
Like the flowing of a tide
Paris coming to our side!
(He returns to the table with the cloth.)
The time is near!
So near, it's stirring the blood in their veins!
And yet beware!
Don't let the wine go to your brains! (looking pointedly at the table empty but for a bottle, where he will eventually be playing Grantaire)
For the army we fight is a dangerous foe
With the men and the arms that we never can match
Oh, it's easy to sit here and swat 'em like flies
But the National Guard will be harder to catch!
We need a sign
To rally the people
To call them to arms
And to bring them in line!
(Raoul slinks in.)
Erik: Finally! Am I glad to see you!
Raoul: You're glad to see... me?
Erik: Y- oh. Never mind.
Marius, you're late!
(He goes over to another table and picks up a little hand mirror and a cane.) What's this for?
Authoress: Look at your tongue in the mirror and rub your nose with the cane.
Erik: Why? Have you no mercy?
Authoress: Because... I can make your arm fall off.
Erik: (shudders, sticks out his tongue and looks in the mirror, and rubs his nose with the cane)
What's wrong today?
You look as if you've seen a ghost!
(He drops the cane and the mirror, which shatters, and runs over to the table with the wine bottle.)
Raoul: Seven years bad luck!
Erik: Shut up.
Some wine and say what's going on! (Realizing that he finally has a chance to sit, Erik collapses into the chair and lays his head down on the table, knocking over the wine bottle, which rolls onto the floor and breaks.)
Raoul: Ooh, seven more years!
Erik: You don't get bad luck for breaking a bottle, fop!
Raoul: He called me fop again! Make him stop!
Authoress: Don't worry Raoul, he'll get his.
Raoul: Good.
A ghost you say, a ghost may be
She was just like a ghost to me!
One minute there, then she was gone!
Erik: (his head still on the table, singing into the wood)
I am agog, I am aghast
Is Marius in love at last?
I've never heard him 'ooh' and 'aah'
You talk of battles to be won
And here he comes like Don Ju-an
It's definitely not better than my o-per-a!
Authoress: Um... yes it is.
Erik: (growls, then drags himself to his feet and shuffles over to the middle table)
It is time for us all
To decide who we are
Do we fight for the right
To a night at the opera now?
Have you asked of yourselves
What's the price you might pay?
Is it simply a game
For rich young boys to play?
The color of the world
Is changing day by day...
Red, the blood of angry men!
Black, the dark of ages past!
Red, a world about to dawn!
Black, the night that ends at last!
(He throws himself into a chair and sulks.)
Raoul:
Had you been there tonight
You might know how it feels
To be struck to the bone
In a moment of breathless delight!
Erik: I do too know how that feels, stupid. I'm in love, too, you know.
Raoul: You don't love Christine, you big meanie! If you loved her you'd leave her alone and let her be happy!
Erik: I did, retard.
Raoul: Oh, yeah, kidnapping her again and dragging her through the cellars of this rather frightening opera house and getting her gift-wrapped by an angry and bitter elf is really leaving her alone!
Erik: The phangirls told me to!
Raoul: If the phangirls told you to jump off a bridge would you?
Authoress: That's later, kids. Stop bickering and sing.
Raoul: (huffily)
Had you been there tonight
You might also have known
How the world may be changed
In just one burst of light!
And what was right seems wrong
And what was wrong seems right!
Erik:
Red...
Raoul:
I feel my soul on fire!
Erik:
Black...
Raoul:
My world if she's not there!
Erik:
Red!
Raoul:
The color of desire!
Erik:
Black!
Raoul:
The color of despair!
Erik:
Marius, you're no longer a child
I do not doubt you mean it well
But now there is a higher call!
WHO CARES ABOUT YOUR STUPID SOUL?
We strive towards a larger goal!
Your little life don't count at all!
Firmin: Improper grammar!
Erik: (ignoring him)
Red, the blood of angry men!
Black, the dark of ages past!
(Raoul joins in)
Erik and Raoul:
Red, a world about to dawn!
Black, the night that ends at last!