A/N- GAH! How long has it been since you last saw me, eh? Well, I spent a week on a mission trip to Mexico, then came back to find that my computer had been sent to this de-virusing man who removed over 200 viruses from the poor dear. Aw. -huggles Tholomyès the PC- He's all better now. But I went a record 18 days without Internet access. Whoa.
(The POTO characters are all wandering about, having tea with each other or whatever people left alone in a giant theater of insanity do when left alone together for a very, very long time.)
Raoul: You know who I haven't seen in a long time? The Authoress.
Erik: (sarcastically) No kidding. She's abandoned us to our fate. We will all perish here.
Raoul: Aren't you a regular little ray of sunshine?
Erik: There's no Authoress here to protect you from the wrath of my Punjab, fop.
Raoul: Gah!
Erik: Fop!
Raoul: Meh!
Erik: Fop!
Raoul: Stoppit!
Erik: Why don't you make me?
Raoul: I could.
Erik: How?
Raoul: I could make out with Christine right in front of you.
(Silence. Everyone is stunned.)
Madame Giry: M'sieur le vicomte!
Raoul: What?
Madame Giry: That was... well, brilliant.
Raoul: Huh?
Gothmeg: She's saying that you just said something smart.
Raoul: Well, I told you I'm not a... you know.
Gothmeg: Fop?
Raoul: AUGHGAHAHAUHSDAFUAHDAHUAIGHAGH!
Gothmeg: ...
Erik: Wait... where is Christine? I haven't seen her in forever.
Raoul: Oh... about that. Um...
Erik: What do you mean, um?
Raoul: Well, you know how long periods of time are kind of longer here in this weird theater in the Authoress's mind than they are usually?
Erik: Huh?
Raoul: Well, how long has it been since we've seen the Authoress?
Erik: Um... a year? Two years?
Raoul: Two years... in our time. But in the outside world it's really only about two months.
Erik: Weird. But what does that have to do with the fact that I haven't seen Christine... well, since that last time the Authoress was here?
Buquet: What's weird is that you haven't noticed she was gone...
Erik: What? I was busy making fun of the fop.
Raoul: AHGUAIGNAJJNDSAIGNMKXCKJBSOKAUGH!
Firmin: Don't do that, you'll give him a nervous breakdown.
Erik: So?
André: Don't you want to know where Miss Daaé is?
Erik: Oh yeah. Oy!
Raoul: Yes?
Erik: So, where is she?
Raoul: In our dressing room.
Erik: ... Gee, that was difficult.
(Erik gets to his feet and heads in the direction.)
Raoul: Wait, wait, where are you going?
Erik: To find a way into her mirror.
Bahorel: Perv!
Gothmeg: No, he just comes into her mirror, hypnotizes her, then shows her his creepy lair. Then she faints, wakes up, and he brings her back by morning.
Bahorel: What's the point of that?
Gothmeg: Um... No idea.
Raoul: (following Erik) No! You can't go!
Erik: Why not? It's not like I could turn her love from you to me anyway. I just want one trip through the mirror, for old times' sake.
Raoul: No!
Erik: Go away.
(He comes to the dressing room and pulls open the door. Christine is kneeling on the floor next to a table with a large gray tablecloth that reaches the floor. She is singing a song Erik doesn't recognize.)
Christine: "Then by my side the proof I see..." Oh! Hello, Erik. Hi, Raoul.
Erik: You're here. It's true. It is as I've been told.
Christine: Wow, it's been a while, hasn't it? Well, it's great seeing you again. Bye.
Erik: No, Christine, you must come back out. We miss you, and Carlotta is annoying everyone.
Christine: Um... no. Can't leave.
Erik: What the heck is going on here? Why not?
Christine: Well, I might as well tell you... There is a secret that you don't know. There is a force here I never show...
Raoul: No, Christine! Don't show him, he'll get all mad!
Erik: What? Show me!
Christine: If you want the reason... I will show you... now.
(Christine pulls the cloth off of the table to reveal a child asleep in a little crib. She has blonde, blonde hair. Blonde I say!)
Erik: Okay. Who's that?
Christine: Look, Erik, this is my daughter. She has kept us alive. Now you see why I must tell you "no."
Erik: What?
Raoul: No, you shouldn't have shown him! Just watch what happens now!
Christine: It'll be fine, darling.
Erik: Wait... you're telling me that the Authoress has been gone so long you had time to have a kid with the fop?
Raoul: SNJHDSJAKHJAFGHFEAJIAHSJAHAAUGH!
(The baby wakes up and begins to cry.)
Christine: Now look what you did, Erik!
Erik: Me? It was the fop-
Raoul: AHGJUIAHJSDAOHNJANGJAKNAJAUGH!
Erik: -who made all the noise and woke the stupid thing up!
Christine: (rocking the baby) Don't cry, Lotte...
Erik: Oh, of course you named the blasted thing Lotte!
(He leaves and returns to the group onstage.)
Erik: God, I need a beer or something.
Carlotta: We af-a nothing alcoholic 'ere. I af-a already shecked.
Erik: Fine, then, I'll take tea, dammit!
Authoress: Profanity me no likee!
Erik: WHAT THE- Oh no.
Authoress: Hola, mi amigos! Did you miss me? Yeah, you know you did.
Raoul: (running out of the dressing room) I heard her! I heard the Authoress! Where... AH! (he collapses and throws his arms around her knees) I missed you so much...
Authoress: Erm... he missed me, anyway.
Bahorel: Where were you?
Authoress: Mexico, bien sûr.
Gothmeg: Okay, I'm confused.Canyou speak American, Mexican, or French?
Authoress: No sé. Peut-être tout.
Erik: Oh, make her stop.
Raoul: Guess what! Guess!
Authoress: What is it, darlin'?
Raoul: I'm a daddy!
Authoress: Say what? How long have I been gone?
Gothmeg: Apparently time is different for you than us.
Authoress: That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard.
Gothmeg: Yeah, I know.
Raoul: She's very pretty and her name is Lotte.
Authoress: Is she blonde?
Raoul: Yep.
Authoress: Blue eyes?
Raoul: Of course.
Authoress: Good. So... does anyone remember where we left off?
Raoul: You mean you just come in and we start the show again like you were never gone?
Authoress: Yeah.
Raoul: But we missed you a lot! Shouldn't we have tea or something?
Authoress: There is too much tea in this chapter already. We shall move on.
Raoul: Fine...
Carlotta: Ze vicomte was about to climb-a a feence to be with-a me.
Authoress: Huh? Oh, okay. Carlotta... Raoul... where's Christine?
Raoul: At home with the baby.
Authoress: At home?
Erik: He means in their dressing room.
Authoress: Oh. HEY, CHRISTINE!
(Christine comes out of the dressing room with Lotte in her arms.)
Christine: Shh! The baby's sleeping.
Authoress: (whispering loudly) We need you to do Éponine for A Heart Full of Love!
Christine: What about my baby?
Montparnasse: I'll hold her.
Erik: Oh, splendid, she's brought that moron back as well!
Christine: Um... no, I don't think that's a good idea.
Gothmeg: How about me, hon? Can I hold the baby?
Christine: Sure, that'll work. But don't let Erik or the Authoress's boyfriend near him.
Authoress: My boyfriend? What are you talking about? WHAT DID YOU MEAN BY THAT? WHO TOLD YOU TO SAY THAT?
Christine: Augh! What the heck?
Gothmeg: Sweetheart, don't you remember a chapter or two ago...
Christine: Oh, no! I totally forgot!
Montparnasse: And you've undone all my therapy, you silly girl. Yo, Loony!
Authoress: She said my boyfriend...! What's that supposed to mean, really? I'd done a very good job of blocking-
Montparnasse: Hey, Loony!
Authoress: -all of those... Yes?
Montparnasse: Patrick Wilson.
Authoress: Uh-huh.
Montparnasse: MagicHair.
Authoress: Ooh.
Montparnasse: Me.
Authoress: Yay!
Montparnasse: Okay... that should work for now. Be careful about that!
Christine: Sorry. (passes her baby to Gothmeg) I'm ready for the next song, Authoress.
Authoress: Huh? ... Oh. Right, okay. Allons-nous!
(Raoul climbs a fence and jumps down behind where Carlotta is seated on a stone bench. Christine remains on the other side.)
Raoul:
A heart full of love
(Carlette nearly falls off the bench at the sound of Maraoul's voice.)
A heart full of song...
I'm doing everything all wrong!
Oh, God, for shame!
I do not even know your name!
Dear Mademoiselle...
Won't you say?
Will you tell?
Carlotta:
An 'eart fool off loff!
No fear, no regret!
Raoul:
My name is Marius Pontmercy!
Carlotta:
And-a mine's Cosette!
Raoul:
Cosette! I don't know what to say!
Carlotta:
Theen-a make no sound!
Raoul:
I am lost!
Carlotta:
I am-a found!
Raoul:
A heart full of light!
Carlotta:
A night bright as-a day!
Raoul:
And you must never go away!
Cosette, Cosette!
Carlotta:
Zees-a ees a shain we'll never break!
Raoul:
Do I dream?
Carlotta:
I'm awake!
Raoul:
A heart full of love!
Christine:
He was never mine to lose!
Carlotta:
An 'eart-a fool off-a you!
Christine:
Why regret what could not be?
Raoul:
A single look and then I knew.
Carlotta:
I-a knew eet-a too!
Christine:
These are words he'll never say!
Not to me...
Raoul:
From today
Christine:
Not to me
Not to me...
Carlotta:
Eff'ry day!
Raoul and Carlotta:- - - - - - - - - - - - - Christine:
For it isn't a dream! - - - - - - - - - - - - His heart full of love!
Not a dream after all! - - - - - - - - - - - He will never feel this way.
Authoress: I hope everyone appreciates the retarded spacing I had to do to work that. And review! Maybe I'll update in a matter of days this time!