(Gothmeg is holding Lotte, Raoul and Carlotta are on the bench in the garden, and Christine is on the other side of the gate, looking depressed.)

Raoul: Wait... isn't this the part where the Authoress disappears for long hours at a time and we are forced to drink tea and have children out of boredom?

Erik: Why won't she go away?

Authoress: I told you I'd try to update sooner, because you just can't let a story go months with no update or you'll forget what's going on... not to mention the story will never end. I mean, we're not even at intermission yet, and already we've picked up Bahorel, Meg went goth, Piangi has disappeared, Montparnasse is-

Carlotta: 'Old on! Where ees my Ubaldo? I 'aff-a not seen eem seence se begeeneeng off-a se show!

Authoress: Um... I don't like him. He's boring in the play, invisible in the movie, and nonexistent in the book.

Carlotta: Well-a, I like 'eem.

Authoress: How would you like one of these instead?

(There is a puff of smoke in the middle of the room, and a thin man in a gray suit and purple cape appears behind a large curly mustache.)

Carlotta: Oo are-a you?

New Man: I... am Adolfo Pirelli, da king of-a da barbers, da barber of-a kings! E buon giorno, good day! I blow you a kiss! (He does. Carlotta raises her eyebrows and takes a step closer.)

Authoress: And see, he's not a fatty like Piangi, and he has a cooler voice. Oh, and he comes with this.

(Another poof of smoke and a young man in orange and yellow rags with messy red hair appears. He looks around, sees Pirelli, and limps away as fast as he can.)

Carlotta: What was-a that?

Authoress: It was Toby! He's so adorable. I have to go get him, though... he gets scared easy.

(She leaves for a moment, and then returns with said Toby.)

Authoress: Isn't he just the most adorablest thing you've ever seen? Hey, Toby, how would you like to sit out here with Montparnasse, Edward Scissorhands, and me and watch a play and eat popcorn?

Toby: Please, mum?

Authoress: I thought you might. Oh, and this, too.

(Another poof of smoke and a short guy joins them.)

Authoress: Okay, we're sitting down. Everybody, this is Boq.

Assorted Kidnapped Male Characters: Hello, Boq.

Boq: Um... hi?

Authoress: I brought him in cos I just saw Bewitched, and Kristen Chenowith was in it, and I guessed it was her having no idea what she really looked like. I mean, who else has that voice and that laugh? Anyway, we're gonna do my favourite song ever now! I think it's my favourite... maybe...

Bahorel: Why's this your favorite?

Authoress: Because it's time for 'Parnasse's big line! Say it, 'Parnasse.

Montparnasse: I will not.

Authoress: Say it, or I'll make you play Cosette in this scene.

Montparnasse: Try it.

Authoress: Say it, or I'll talk about You Know What and undo all your therapy.

Montparnasse: (quickly) GohomePoninegohomeyou'reintheway.

Authoress: (clapping hands excitedly) It's his only line in the shortened version of the play! But we're gonna do it the old fashioned way, with the part at the beginning. Okay? Yeah, you know it. Wait, who's playing Montparnasse? I spell favourite with a "u," like the British. The Pythons are British. They're geniuses, too, and not evil geniuses, they're actually very nice. Andrew Lloyd Webber is not actually very nice. He is actually a stuck up prig, and I hate him. Except I like Phantom and Joseph and JCS a lot. And Love Changes Everything, when Michael Ball sings it. Rob Marnell, MagicHair, he's my new Angel of Music. Michael Ball used to be, but MagicHair doesn't smoke. I don't like it when people smoke; it makes me cough. Coughing is icky, and smokers' lungs are black. If Rob Marnell ever started smoking I would cry. He likes my website I made for him. I drove four hours to Virginia to see him in Expletive Yankees. He was the lead. We decided we want his college to do Sweeney Todd, and to put him in the lead because that would be hot. And then I'd want to be Mrs. Lovett, or the crazy beggar woman, but Mrs. Lovett kisses Sweeney-

Toby: Missus Lovett? Is she 'ere?

Authoress: No.

Erik: Thank God, she finally stopped!

Raoul: Um... I do.

Christine: You do what, dear?

Raoul: I play Montparnasse.

Authoress: Sexy! I remember that now! Okay... lezzgo!

Christine:

Parnasse, what are you doing

So far out of our patch?

Raoul:

This house, we're gonna do it!

Rich man, plenty of scratch!

You remember he's the one that

Got away the other day!

Had a number on his chest

Perhaps a fortune put away!

Christine: (to herself, as Raoul wanders toward the gate)

Oh Lord, somebody help me

Dear God, what'll I do?

He'll think this is an ambush!

He'll think I'm in it, too!

What'll I do?

What'll I say?

I've got to warn them here,

I've got to find a way!

(She hides in a corner of the gate as the rest of the gang assembles in the street.)

Authoress: Oh! I'm s'posed to be Thénardier! Um... Toby, you do it!

Toby: Me, mum?

Authoress: Yeah, go.

(Toby limps up onto the stage.)

Toby: (slowly)

This is 'is leh

Ah've seen the ol' fox aroun'!

'E keeps 'imself to 'imself

'E's stayin' close to the groun'!

Ah smell profit 'ere.

Ten yeehs ago

'E came an' paid for Cosette

Ah let 'er go for a song'

I's tahm we set'led the debt

This'll cost 'im de-ah.

Madame Giry:

What do I care

Who you should rob?

Gimme my share!

Finish the job!

Toby:

You shut y' mouth

Gimme yer 'and!

(Christonine shows herself.)

Madame Giry:

What have we here?

Toby:

'Oo is this 'ussy?

Buquet:

It's your brat, Éponine! Don't you know your own kid?

Why's she hanging about you?

Toby:

Éponine, get on 'ome

Yer not needed in this

We've enough 'ere without you

Christine:

I know this house!

I tell you there's nothing here for you!

Just the old man and the girl!

They live ordinary lives!

Toby:

Don't intufeah,

You've got some gall

Take care, young miss, you've got

A lo' to say

Madame Giry:

She's going soft

Erik:

Happens to all

Raoul:

Go home, 'Ponine, go home

You're in the way!

Authoress: YAYYY!

Christine:

I'm gonna scream! I'm gonna warn them here!

Toby:

One lit'le scream an' you'll

Regre' it for a ye-ah!

Erik:

What a palaver,

What an absolute treat

To watch a cat and its father

Pick a bone in the street!

What's a palaver?

Authoress: Dunno.

Madame Giry:

Not a sound out of you!

Christine:

Well, I told you I'd do it,

I told you I'd do it!

(She hits the last note from "Phantom of the Opera.")

Toby:

You wait m' girl

You'll rue this night

I'll make y' scream

You'll scream all righ'!

Leave 'er t' me!

Don' wait aroun'!

Make fo' the sewers!

Go undugroun'!

(They all run away – or limp away, in Toby's case. Limp away fast. Raoul, slightly out of breath from switching costumes so quickly, quickly climbs over the fence, leaving Carlotta in the garden.)

Raoul: (to Christine)

It was your cry

Sent them away

Once more 'Ponine

Saving the day!

Dearest Cosette,

My friend 'Ponine

Brought me to you

Showed me the way!

Somebody's near

Let's not be seen!

Somebody's here!

(He runs away as Erik comes in.)

Erik:

My God, Cosette!

I heard a cry in the dark!

I heard the shout of angry voices in the street!

Carlotta:

Sat was-a my cry you 'eard, Papa

I was afraid of what zey'd do!

Sey ran away-a when sey 'eard my cry...

Erik:

Cosette, my child, what will become of you?

Carlotta:

Tree men I-a saw beyond se wall!

Tree men in-a shadow, moving-a fast!

Erik:

This is a warning to us all...

These are the shadows of the past!

Must be Javert!

He's found my cover at last!

I've got to get Cosette away before they return!

We must get away from shadows that will never let us be!

Tomorrow to Calais, and then a ship across the sea!

Hurry Cosette, prepare to leave and say no more

Tomorrow we'll away!

Hurry Cosette, prepare to close another door

And live another day!

Authoress: Annnd cut! Next update we'll be at intermission! I never thought I'd see this day...