A/N- Sorry the update took a while... but guess what! I went to Virginia to see Rob Marnell again! This time in Spitfire Grill! Yay-ness. And I've seen Charlie and the Chocolate Factory seven times, tying my record with the POTO film. Whee! Oh, and after watching Benny & Joon, I've considered and decided that I am, indeed, a Johnny Depp fangirl. Oh well, there goes my individuality. Another thing: concerning my chapter on Harry Potter, I never said that Snape died. In fact, I don't believe I told you who did die. And I clearly put a disclaimer at the beginning that said to read at your own risk, so complaining about that to me is like telling Campbell's you want to sue them because their soup burned you after you heated it too long.

Authoress: Ah... the long-awaited and much-anticipated On My Own... So much pressure! (She pulls out a long piece of parchment, which unrolls and touches the floor.) So many suggestions... Have the chandelier sing it, have the barricade sing it... Of course, Erik sang I Dreamed A Dream and Carlotta sang Oo Am I... Montparnasse and a monkey sang Stars... and Bahorel, I think... those ideas are taken... the phangirls sang parts of One Day More... What to do?

Boq: Before you decide what to do, can you explain something?

Authoress: Sure, sup?

Boq: What?

Authoress: What's up? What's the matter?

Boq: Oh. Well, him, really.

Authoress: Who?

(Boq points to the other end of the room, where Montparnasse is talking to yet another new guy.)

Erik: Oh dear, there's still more.

Authoress: Heck yes! Notice all the Johnny Depps in here.

Captain Jack Sparrow: Hullo.

Sam: Hello.

Edward Scissorhands: Hi.

Willy Wonka: Good morning, starshine!

Mort Rainey: Yeah, what?

Gilbert Grape: Hey.

James Barrie: H'llo there.

Erik: That's just annoying.

Boq: But I don't have an issue with those men who all look startlingly alike. I have an issue with him!

Authoress: What's wrong with Warren? He's the hotness!

Boq: Yes, I know. He set fire to my wallet-sized portrait of Galinda.

Authoress: And what did you do to deserve that?

Boq: Nothing!

Authoress: Uh-huh.

Boq: No really! It wasn't my fault! I was walking along and looking at the picture and I tripped over this book that someone left in the aisle! My portrait of Galinda goes up in the air, and comes down on that person's head! And then... his arms caught fire! And the picture was... gone...

Authoress: Well, you should have looked where you were going, geez. Warren gets mad easy. But he's still hot. Seriously. And I mean hot in the face.

Boq: But why?

Authoress: Because he reminds me of Montparnasse.

Boq: When did you decide you needed both him and the murderer in the same place?

Authoress: Um... the second time I saw Sky High. Which, by the way, is a pretty good film. Especially if you think Warren Peace is the hotness. Which he is.

Carlotta: She's mad!

Authoress: Let's see... dude, my entire Magical List of Lovers came in since the last chapter! Look! Arthur Dimmsdale... Montparnasse... Warren Peace... Willy Wonka... Edward Scissorhands... Jack Sparrow-

Jack: Captain Jack Sparrow... if ye please.

Authoress: Sorry, mate. Captain Jack Sparrow, Sam from Benny & Joon, Sir James Barrie, Mort Rainey, Gilbert Grape, Toby Ragg, Adolfo Pirelli, Boq, and... Wow! When did Fiyero get here?

Fiyero: Hey there.

Authoress: This is fun!

Erik: Yes, fun for you.

Raoul: And her. (He points to J.B. Jazz, who is drooling all over the Depps. Except not literally.)

Erik: But everyone else is bored!

Authoress: Oh, right. On My Own... I was really trying to put it off. Y'see, I don't know what I'm going to do for it.

Erik: Just let Christine sing it. It's her song, isn't it?

Authoress: Yes, but that's boring! I've luckily stumbled across amusing things for the other big songs... you, Carlotta, a monkey... And now everyone thinks I'm actually funny! And they're going to expect hilarity in this chapter! And there's so much pressure... I'm cracking like an egg! GAH!

Raoul: An egg?

Erik: Yes, an egg, fop.

Raoul: Erik! I think we've discussed this.

Erik: Oh, shut up, Raoul.

Christine: (to Meg) And now they're on a first-name basis?

Meg: Something's fishy.

(Several of the Depps approach the Authoress.)

Willy Wonka: Hey, little girl? We couldn't help overhearing your little dilemma. We kinda wanna help. Kay?

Authoress: What? Why?

Edward Scissorhands: I'm not finished.

Mort Rainey: Oh, shut up. She knows that already.

Meg: (to Christine) What that is, is poor characterization. Notice the one with the scissors doesn't say much, and what he does is straight from the film. She's made the blond one with the glasses pretty one-sided as well. In fact, the only ones in character are the pale one with blue eyes and the tan one with beads in his hair.

Christine: She's probably seen those movies far more often than she has the others.

Meg: Very likely.

Christine: When you think about it, we're all very out of character as well.

Meg: An interesting point. But it's not really a big deal, because in the Andrew Lloyd Webber musical we're all terribly out of character from the Leroux book, and in the Kay book we're terribly out of character from the Leroux book as well, from what I've heard.

Christine: Oh my! It sounds like our characters have received a good flogging over the years, doesn't it?

Lotte: (makes baby noise of assertion, proving that the Authoress has not forgotten her existence)

(J.B. Jazz pokes the Authoress.)

J.B. Jazz: Remember when we said we wanted to hear Johnny Depp sing, even if his voice sucked?

Authoress: Yeah... That was the day we watched the screen tests for Benny & Joon, wasn't it? The day we just watched Johnny Depp make faces at the camera for more than half an hour?

J.B. Jazz: Yeah, well... sleep deprivation.

Authoress: Right.

J.B. Jazz: Well, basically, I think these Johnnys here want to sing On My Own.

Authoress: You're kidding!

J.B. Jazz: Nope.

Authoress: Okay then!

Raoul: No egg-cracking?

Authoress: Nope! This'll work!

Erik: But it's not one of us singing!

Authoress: Don't care. Everyone who suspiciously has the same face, go onstage!

(The Depps comply.)

Authoress: Bahorel, pass out the hats.

(All of the Depps are given Éponine hats.)

Sam: Um...

Willy Wonka: Ew.

(In an attempt to put it on his head, Edward slices the hat to shreds and looks sadly up at the others.)

Authoress: Seriously, I think it looks good on you. All of you, I mean... Well, maybe not on Willy Wonka... or Edward Scissorhands... Ick... I'd hate to see what you'd do to the trenchcoat.

(Another one wanders in.)

Tom: Hey... who're these guys?

Authoress: Hurray! It's Tom Hanson from 21 Jump Street! Ooh, line up and put on a 'Ponine hat!

Tom: Um...

Authoress: John Christopher Depp II! That's just fun to say. Hey, he has a sister named Debbie Depp. Say that ten times, really. And did you know he was allergic to chocolate when he was a child? I bet it made his nose itch... Okay, the Johnny Depp Chorus! Eight men who all look startlingly alike in their rendition of... On My Own.

Edward Scissorhands:

And now I'm all alone again

Nowhere to turn, no one to go to

Gilbert Grape:

Without a home, without a friend

Without a face to say "hello" to

I know a boy whose name is Arnie

He's gonna turn eighteen and have a big party

Authoress: Good for him. Wrong song, though. But I love that rhyme. Arnie and party...

Mort Rainey:

And now the night is near

Now I can make believe he's here...

Sometimes I walk alone at night

When everybody else including my ex-wife and dog is sleeping

I think of... him... and then I'm happy

With the company I'm keeping

The city goes to bed

And I can live inside... my head.

Authoress: Weird how this works for schizophrenic killers as well as lovesick whiny teenage girls.

Tom Hanson:

On my own,

Pretending he's beside me

All alone

I walk with him till morning

Without him

I feel his arms around me

And when I lose my way

I close my eyes and he has found me...

Authoress: That's either gay or referring to his dad.

Tom: My dad.

Authoress: Phew.

Jack Sparrow:

In the rain

The ocean shines like silver

All the undead pirates

Are skeletal in the moonlight

James Barrie:

In the darkness

The trees are full of starlight!

And all I see is Peter Pan and me forever and forever

Mort Rainey:

And I know it's only in my mind

That I'm talking to myself

And not to him

Sam:

And although

I know that her brother is blind

Still I say there's a way for us!

I love her

Ichabod Crane:

But when the night is over

He is gone

The river's just a river

Without him

The world around me changes

The trees are bare and filled with decapitated heads

And everywhere

The streets are full of strangers

Authoress: Gasp! Another Johnny Depp!

I love him!

Mort Rainey:

But everyday I'm learning

All my life

I've only been pretending

Without me

His world would go on turning

A world that's full of happiness

That I have never known!

J.B. Jazz and the Authoress:

I love him

I love him

I love him

But only on my own

Jack Sparrow:

AND REALLY BAD EGGS!