(The Authoress is skipping around in circles before she simply falls over.)

Raoul: She used to be that happy when I was around.

Erik: Lunatic...

Raoul: Who, me?

Erik: No, her.

Raoul: Ah.

(The Authoress jumps to her feet and waves her hands in their faces.)

Authoress: LOOK! I drew little spots all over them just like in Sleepy Hollow! Muaha! Katrina... like the hurricane... she's evil! She kills people in Louisiana and steals Johnny away!

Ichabod Crane: Katrina?

Authoress: No.

Ichabod Crane: Blast.

Boq: Authoress...?

Authoress: Yes, dear?

Boq: Can I make another complaint?

Authoress: I hope not against Warren again.

Boq: No... there's another one.

Authoress: Another Depp?

Boq: No.

Authoress: Ooh, wonder who it is!

(Boq points to a... um... man?... who is in conversation with a new Depp that is in black and white.)

Authoress: Is that Ed Wood? How'd he get here? I haven't even seen that movie yet!

Boq: Which?

Authoress: The gray one.

Boq: I'm not concerned about him.

(At this point the man? turns and we see his face.)

Authoress: AHH! IT'S FRANK FURTER!

Erik: Holy sh... cow! I thought I haunted people's dreams!

Raoul: Frankfurters?

(Edward Scissorhands sees the newcomer and immediately begins shuffling off in the other direction.)

Authoress: Huh. I didn't know I liked him that much...

Raoul: Like a hot dog? Hot dogs are good.

Christine: (aside, to Meg) Weren't these people all coming in through a door that led into the Authoress's imagination?

Meg: They were a while back... Hey, I'm reading this book by Gaston Leroux, and look! We aren't even friends! I just called you a carrion crow!

Christine: Let me see that! "Buquet was a serious, sober, steady man, very slow at imagining things." No kidding...

Buquet: Hey, did I hear my name?

Christine: Well, it was your name...

(Meanwhile...)

Authoress: Frank Furter and Ed Wood! I just saw the movie!

Raoul: That was fast...

Authoress: Kind of bored me, but Johnny did this! (She raises her eyebrows, smiles, and shakes her head back and forth.)

Ed Wood: (pointing to Montparnasse) This fella here tells me you're directing a musical. I'm a movie man, m'self, but I thought I could help you out a bit.

Authoress: Uh... no.

Ed Wood: Why not?

Authoress: I want my show to be... um... not... terrible.

Erik: Too late.

Authoress: Oh, good point! Okay, sure, you can help.

Ed Wood: Gee, thanks! You won't regret it! I need to do one thing, though, before I start.

Authoress: Good, go.

Tom Hanson: Yo, when can we get outta here? Tonight's my bowling night.

Authoress: Despite my obsessive love for you, my dear Depps, I want you to know that you're sorta... er... holding back the show.

Captain Jack Sparrow: July 7th, mates!

Authoress: I know, I'm excited.

Gilbert Grape: Why're you excited?

Authoress: Pirates 2. But anyway, I really must ask some of you guys to stop slowing down my phic.

Ichabod Crane: (eyeing Frank Furter, Edward Scissorhands, and Erik nervously) Then I shall leave you.

Authoress: Well... I'd kinda rather the Depps stay, now that I think about it. They're pretty to look at. So I'm kicking the others out.

nebulia: Not Bahorel, though!

Authoress: No, no, I mean the more recent additions. Boq, Fiyero, Warren Peace, Arthur Dimmsdale, and Frank Furter hafta go.

Frank Furter: Alas! I'd only just arrived.

Authoress: But you're scaring Icky.

Erik: Icky?

Authoress: Ichabod. I'd spell it Ichy, but people would probably read it as Itchy and ruin the fun.

Tom Hanson: But Fuller and the magically-restored-to-life Jenko are expecting me to be down at the chapel!

Authoress: Too bad. Hey, do the McQuaid brothers—HEH!

Tom Hanson: No way! I'm not a variety show, kid.

Ichabod Crane: (still eyeing the others) Um, really, I've got to run!

Madame Giry: Yes! Run... and jump... and SKIP!

Ichabod Crane: Dear Lord... (makes a comical face and passes out)

Authoress: Oh, how I love him.

Erik: This is absolute chaos! What about the stupid show?

Authoress: I just kinda like looking at the Depps...

Raoul: (sulkily) No kidding.

Christine: Darling... you're not... jealous... are you?

Willy Wonka: 'Course he is.

Erik: THE SHOW!

Authoress: Oh, and I want the Sweeney Todd characters to leave too. Sorry, Toby...

Carlotta: No! Dis man-a 'ere, dis-a barber, I will not let 'eem leave.

Authoress: Okay, then, just Toby, I guess.

Toby: Me, mum? Bu' Ah'm Thénardier.

Authoress: Okay, okay, I'll let you stay cos you're adorable.

Erik: WHAT ABOUT THE STUPID SHOW? I WANT OUT OF HERE!

Authoress: What? Oh... right... Where were we? The barricade stuff! Right. Erik, that's you. And Raoul.

(Erik and Raoul go onstage, standing near a big neat barricade set that used to be the junky town set.)

Erik and Raoul:

Now we pledge ourselves to hold this barricade.

Raoul:

Let them come in their legions and they will be met!

Erik:

Have faith in yourselves and don't be afraid!

(He runs over and grabs the bottle)

Let's give them a screwing

They'll never forget!

(Dropping the bottle and getting to his feet)

This is where it begins! And if I should die in the fight to be free

Where the fighting is hardest

There will I be!

Let them come if they dare! We'll be there!

(The Authoress hands Willy Wonka the loudhailer.)

Willy:

Hey, little boys? Listen to this!

(Mort Rainey stomps over.)

Mort: Gimme that!

No one is coming to help you to fight! You're on your own!

You have no friends!

(Tom Hanson takes the loudhailer.)

Tom:

Give up your guns-

Mort:

Or die!

Erik:

Damn their warnings, damn their lies!

They will see the people rise!

Erik and Raoul:

Damn their warnings, damn their lies!

They will see the people rise!

(Bahorel enters in Javert garb.)

Bahorel:

Listen, my friends

I have done as I said!

I have been to their homes

I have watered their plants!

I will tell what I can!

(Several characters look questioningly at the Authoress.)

Authoress: I just think that's funny. Someone actually did that once, you know. Or at least, they said they did. I dunno. Onward!

Bahorel:

Better be warned

They have armies to spare

And the danger is real

We will need all our cunning

To bring them to heel

Erik:

Have faith!

If you know what their movements are

We'll spoil their game!

There are ways

That a people can fight

We shall overcome their power!

Bahorel:

I have overheard their plan!

There will be no attack tonight

They intend to starve us out

Before they start a proper fight

Concentrate their force

Hit us from... the right.

(Erik sheds the vest and pulls on the Gavroche hat.)

Erik:

Liar!

Good evenin' dear Inspector,

Lovely evenin' my dear!

I know this man, m' friends,

His name's Inspector Javert!

So don't believe a word he says

'Cos none of it's true!

This only goes t' show

Wot li'l people can do!

An' li'l people know

When li'l people fight!

We may look easy pickins

But we got some bite!

So never kick a dog

Because 'e's jus' a pup!

We'll fight like twen'y armies

An' we won' give up!

So you betta run for cover

When the pup grows up!

Authoress: Should we continue?

Erik: Oh, let's.

Authoress: Yay go!

Erik: (getting that wine bottle of Grantaire-ness)

Bravi, bravi, bravissimi little Gavroche

You're the top of the class!

(Dropping the bottle and picking up a pen and a sonnet)

So what're we going to do

With this snake in the grass?

(Pulling on the Vest again)

Tie this man and take him

To the tavern in there

The people will decide your fate

Inspector Javert!

(Without the vest of Enjy-ness)

Take the bastard now and shoot him!

(Picking up a fan of Feuilly-dom)

Let us watch this devil dance!

(Breaking a mirror and walking under a ladder as Laigle... or is it Lesgles?)

You'd have done the same, Inspector

If we'd let you have your chance!

Bahorel:

Shoot me now or shoot me later

Every schoolboy to his sport!

Death to each and every traitor

I renounce your people's court!

Erik:

Though we may not all survive here

There are things that never die

(With the bottle)

What's the difference

Die a schoolboy

Die a policeman

Die a spy?

(With the Vest)

Take this man

Bring him through

There is work we have to do!

Authoress: And NOW we stop.

(Ed Wood enters in a light gray wig, a gray angora sweater, a gray skirt, and black pumps. Don't forget he's in black and white.)

Ed Wood: I'm ready to help with the film now!

(Ichabod Crane passes out again, Edward Scissorhands shuffles away quickly, Tom Hanson starts to reach for his gun, Gilbert Grape looks away, Mort Rainey leaves in search of a black hat and a screwdriver, Willy Wonka and Sam follow Edward, James Barrie pulls out a headdress and wooden duck, and Jack Sparrow raises his eyebrows and takes a step closer.)

(Another Depp enters, wearing a cloak, hat, and cute little Zorro mask.)

Authoress: Hurray!

Erik: What? Isn't that my Point of No Return costume?

Authoress: (throws a book at him)

New Depp: (in an uber-sexy Spanish accent) Ah! I know hwhat hwould make thees man seh-cure in his manhood.

Ed Wood: I really like gals, I really do. But my mom always wanted a girl, and when I was born she dressed me-

New Depp: I am Don Juan, te greatest lover ov all time.

Ed Wood: And...?

Don Juan: Come with me, ant I will teach you how to love a hwoman.

Ed Wood: But I do love women!

Authoress: Go with him, Ed! This is kinda funny.

Erik: And sick.

Authoress: Oh shut up. You know you're in love with Raoul.

Erik: WHAT?

Authoress: I wrote a whole ficlet about it. Yes, it's called Emotions.

(And the update ends with shameless advertising on behalf of the Authoress.)