On The Road With Danny Concannon: DC, USA
"A Sense of Balance"
"But what was I suppose to do. Turn down an opportunity to serve the President of the United States, who I believe in and adore.
You just want to share it all with someone, you know."
C.J. Cregg –Faith Based Intuitive.
TWO WEEKS LATER:
"Danny!" Maisy's shining face beamed with joy as Danny walked off the elevator from his travels. "You're back?" Danny stood in front of her for a moment, rumpled shirt, rumpled face, and rumpled bag over his left shoulder, his laptop bag on the other.
"Just a pit stop, Maisy." He smiled slyly as he walked past her. Maisy's first thought was he looked worse for wear, but she wrote it off as jet lag and was quickly at the back of his heels like a loyal puppy.
"What's that?" she said, looking at the large hard-cover book in his left hand.
"Here, you want?" Danny lifted the book up over his shoulder as they rounded a corner of desks. "It was waiting for me at the door." He tossed Maisy the book and she caught it, gazing at the cover of John Hoynes' book. "Merry Christmas, Maisy. Enjoy" He said sarcastically. "Hey, Randy." Danny spoke as he turned another corner while looking at a man in the other direction.
"Hey, Danny, welcome back." The young man walked past Danny.
"Yeah, thanks." Danny laughed it off, for he knew he was never really back.
"Really, you don't want it?" Maisy flipped through the pages.
"Ahhh. I got plenty more."
"The media's use of free swag never ceases to amaze me."
"And corporate's need to deluge us with a dozen or so copies of everything."
"Any good?"
"Depends, if you find door stops a nice read?"
"The New York Times would seem to differ." Maisy looked up from the cover.
"When you see the words New York Times anywhere around this place, you let me know there, Maisy." Danny gestured with his free finger.
"Funny…"
"Nothing new. Nothing of note." Danny turned around another desk.
"Hey, Danny." A woman on the phone spoke while she held a phone to her right ear.
"Hey, Susan." Danny spoke as he rounded the next corner.
"The book, right?"
"Yeah.."
"Not me?"
"Never." Danny looked back at her slightly for a moment. When he looked back he had to move his bag out of the way of the top of another desk, as he and Maisy got closer to his office. He paused for a moment as if he didn't know which way to go. Maisy gave him eyes and pointed to the left. Danny gave her a look back as if to say he knew that.
"A book for the masses?" Maisy asked as they reached her desk.
"Just enough pomp to make the public love you."
"You don't buy it?" She paused at her desk as Danny faced his office door.
"Well, I don't buy much of anything----had my credit card declined too many times--go ahead take it. It's interesting--you need to know what's going on if you work for me." Danny opened the door with his back, and flipped his light switch on with his free hand, while Maisy followed behind.
"Scandal and pomp, sounds like my kind of book." Maisy draped herself in the doorway.
"There's no romance in this Maisy, so it may not be your kind a' book." Danny looked around for a place to set his bags.
"I'm sure I'll find one somewhere." She smiled. "I'm good at that." Maisy flipped through the book again and landed on the index.
"Finding something when there seems to be nothing there…." Danny dropped his carry-on bag to the ground with a bang and a breath of air. "I thought that was my job." He set his laptop bag down next. His first stop was going through the set of messages sitting on his desk.
"CJ's not in the book?" Maisy lifted her nose out of the book.
"You checked to see if CJ's in the book?" Danny looked up at her and then back at his messages.
"Didn't you?"
"I don't read backwards, it's not the Torah." Danny gave her an eye as he spoke before going back to his messages.
"That's strange?"
"What?" He flipped through to the last message.
"You don't find it strange CJ's not in the index?"
"No, not particularly. " Danny was of course lying, as he quickly changed the subject. "You get that fax in today?"
"Yeah, it's on my desk." Maisy walked into the outer office and Danny followed her. Maisy set the book on the top shelf of her desk/cubical and sat herself down in her seat. Danny stood over Maisy's desk while she sifted through papers.
"She didn't call did she?" Danny finally asked after much deliberation.
"Who?" Maisy continued her looking. Danny leaned in and whispered.
"CJ?"
Maisy paused for a moment before leaning in. "No…..why?" Maisy asked concerned.
"No, reason…never mind." Danny lifted his head upright.
"Danny….?" Maisy smiled and leaned in. Danny avoided her eyes. Maisy was about to speak again when they were interrupted.
"Danny?" A man, just a few years older than Danny, stood in front of him.
"Art, hey." Danny looked up and the two men shook hands.
"Welcome, back."
"Thanks."
"You following Hoynes to South Carolina?"
"Yeah, tomorrow, stopped by to drop off—pick up a few things."
"Good." He nodded his head. "Let's talk in my office," Art said with concern, his hands never leaving his pockets.
"Yeah." Danny nodded his head. "Yeah." Danny looked as if he had been asked to the principal's office. He followed Art toward his office.
Maisy handed Danny the fax she had been looking for. Danny looked at it. "Noo. This isn't it. Let me know if another comes in." Danny rolled up the paper into a ball and took a step with Art toward his office. As he rounded Maisy's desk, with Art in the distance, Maisy spoke with one eye on Danny.
"If you ask me, you should be the one calling her?" Danny stopped in his tracks." I mean if she has a reason to call you—you should…"
"Maisy." He paused and turned toward her, leaning in and holding onto the top of her shelf. "I have enough to deal with right now, Maisy, and calling CJ isn't going to help me with any of them." He saw Maisy about to speak. "It just isn't." He gritted his teeth. "Maisy." He snarled. Danny looked away and leaned in. "I have a job I adore at a place I have worshiped since I was who knows how old –I can't just give it up for…" He paused and seemed to drift off.
"Give up what Danny?" She had an idea, but she wanted to hear it from Danny.
"I just can't." He leaned back and put his hands in his pockets. "This year, I've decided to live in reality, Maisy."
"What, like a New Year's resolution?" She whispered toward him.
"Yeah…something like that. This year I'm gonna try and not cause myself pain—and that means not putting my hand directly in the fire for a change—so don't bother me about this, okay."
"Danny, you comin'?" He heard Art yell from his office door.
"Yeah." Danny yelled back and looked for Maisy. "Just trust me—when I say this is the best thing for….everyone concerned." Danny didn't look too happy with his choice like was taking about eating his vegetables. "I just have to do this."
Danny turned and threw the rolled up piece of paper in his hand toward the garbage pail, against the wall, next to Maisy's chair. It was an easy shot, but Danny missed it. Danny didn't miss baskets. It stopped him in his tracks, as Maisy looked up at him agog. She could see Danny was pretty shocked by the whole moment. Maisy gulped, but Danny quickly shook it off.
"Danny?" he heard Art yell.
"Yeah…." Danny walked away. Maisy noticed his walk seemed different.
AN HOUR LATER:
Maisy knocked on the glass window of Art's office. Danny turned around in his seat to see a portion of Maisy's face peaking through the blinds.
Maisy waited impatiently as she heard Danny walk up and pull on the other side of the office door.
"Yeah?" Danny asked in an assertive whisper, leaning in toward her as he held the door closed half-way, to block the room from his conversation. "I'm kinda in a meeting here….."
"Yeah…"
"An important one.."
"I know." She paused. "It's about CJ." She whispered in toward him.
"She called?" Danny's voice changed to a tinge of anticipation.
"No."
"Oh." Not the news Danny was hoping for. Maisy still didn't speak. "Yes…"
"There's a blog on the internet about CJ." Maisy was concerned and serious. This was something she felt was important.
"You know about two years ago all the words in that sentence wouldn't have made any sense." He took a beat. "Maisy, I really don't have time to listen to some gossip you found on the Internet."
"But, it's saying..."
"Maisy…"
"It's saying CJ's a lesbian." She whispered hard before he could finish.
"Wait, what?" Danny smiled. "You're kidding." He half smiled. Maisy handed Danny the page from the blog she had printed out. Danny looked down at the paper, but before he could even really read the whole thing he started laughing in spurts of laughter. "Sorry, Sorry." Danny ran his arm over his mouth to stop the laughing, but it still took a moment as he giggled and laughed like a frat boy. "Okay, this is funny, I grant you. But, I really I should…"
"You should call her like you did with the Taylor Reed thing and…"
"Maisy, I have this meeting."
"I say calling her would be good."
"I've decided not to call her Maisy."
"Something's off with you—like your equilibrium is off….. you can't not ever call her …"
"I got a year—let's see how I do." He said the words flatly, like he was afraid to show what he really meant by the line.
"A year---you'll never last that long……"
"I have to go." Maisy tried to protest, but Danny closed the door in her face.
Art watched Danny close the door and walk back into the room, shaking his head and laughing as he read the paper.
"What was that about?"
"Huh?" Danny looked up.
"Something funny?" Art asked sternly from behind his desk.
"Oh, it's nothing." Danny rolled up the paper and tossed it toward the waste basket next to Art's desk. He missed it.
"Looks like you're off your game, Danny?" Art joked.
"Yeah." Danny tried to joke back as he stretched out his fingers and rubbed the inside of his palm. Something wasn't right.
"So where were we..?" Art asked and trailed off.
---
"…He's putting a rider on the budget banning gay marriage." Maisy stuffed a paper into Danny's hand as they spoke just moments after he stepped out of Art's office. While they walked off toward Danny's office, a man met Art outside his office to look over some copy.
"You're kidding?" Danny asked, taking a paper from Maisy, leaving Art behind them. He looked over the paper as they walked a few more steps.
"You getting fired?" Maisy asked as they were away from Art's earshot.
"Just barely." Danny went directly to the business at hand. "What else?"
"It's in every news outlet—every little piece of nothing line item gets to mention it 'cause it's now concern in the budget.—it's just snow balling."
"Any statement?"
"No statement."
Danny stopped to look up at a television clip of the current news report. Maisy looked up with him. When CJ appeared on the screen, Maisy changed her gaze toward Danny. She saw she still affected him.
"She should come out with a statement." Art spoke as he walked behind Danny and looked up toward the television. A boy walked by and Art handed him a piece of paper.
"Saying what? She's not gay but not that there's anything wrong with that. Any statement she makes would come out ridiculous. Besides, the White House Chief of Staff shouldn't be making personal statements like that—"
"You didn't think it was yellow journalism when you wrote about a certain memo a White House staffer wrote."
"That concerned politics. This concerns a person's private business."
"If she puts out a statement that says she's gay—then it affects politics—then it's a story."
"She's not."
"How do you know?"
"I know."
"Yeah…. how?" Art asked.
"I just do." Danny looked up not sure how he could say what he wanted and not go into detail. "I just do." He paused. "I just….know these kinds a' things." Danny joked.
"Aren't you going to South Carolina?"
"In the morning."
"Good." Art smiled. "See ya in March, Danny." And Art walked away. Danny's phone rang and Maisy reached for the phone.
"Danny Concannon's office." Danny walked toward her as she spoke. "I don't know about that…yeah... let me…" Maisy rolled the phone off her shoulder and held onto the receiver. "You posting tonight?"
"No." Danny spoke in a monotone. He looked away in melancholy and placed his hands in his pockets.
"No, he's not posting." Maisy yelled toward Danny for a moment as he entered his office. "I left your message on your desk." And her voice faded away as he walked further and further into his office.
He walked directly toward his desk and picked up the one pink message on his desk. He balled the message up and shot it toward his small basketball hoop above his garbage pail, only to miss it again. His whole body felt fatigued as he ran his hand over his beard.
I'm so tired, I haven't slept a wink
I'm so tired, my mind is on the blink
I wonder should I get up and fix myself a drink
No,no,no.
"I'm so Tried"
(Lennon / McCartney)
"Uhh" Danny sank into his chair back first and pushed his hands into his face. He took a large breath through his nose as he slid his hands off his beard as if he had been awakened quickly from a long sleep. Danny found himself feeling tried and shaken a lot lately.
I'm so tired I don't know what to do
I'm so tired my mind is set on you
I wonder should I call you, but I know what you'd do
You'd say I'm putting you on
But it's no joke, it's doing me harm
Danny lifted his wallet out of his back pocket and took out the business card, again, and set his wallet on his desk. He leaned forward and fingered Dr. Abby Jacobs' card between his thumbs. Danny leaned back in his chair. His body felt tired for so many reasons. Danny stood up and walked toward his couch and sank into its corner. He looked at the card again, but decided to put it back in his pocket.
You know I can't sleep, I can't stop my brain
You know it's three weeks, I'm going insane
You know I'd give you everything I've got
For a little peace of mind
"I'm so Tried"
(Lennon / McCartney)
THE NEXT DAY
Danny sat in his desk chair staring at the garbage can surrounded by snowballs of crumbled up paper at its base; he was still unable to make a basket.
Danny leaned back in his chair, took a page from his notebook and crumbled it with his right hand, and with much force and precision missed the basket again. Maisy draped herself in the doorway.
"Damn!" Danny winced.
"Losing your sense of balance?" Maisy asked.
"No." Danny looked up at her. "I wouldn't call it that." Danny stood and started to button his top bottons.
"You been here all night?" Maisy walked in the office toward the desk.
"Yeah." Danny's eyes looked spent as he stood and snapped his suspenders on, and pulled them over his arms and onto his shoulders.
"Danny!" Maisy squealed as she took an almost finished bottle of whiskey off his desk
"Don't worry, I drank it last night. I'm not drunk." He paused and yawned. "I just have a hang over."
Danny lifted his coat onto his shoulders and put his hand out to Maisy for the bottle. With a cross face, Maisy plopped herself down on Danny's couch and held the bottle to herself. Danny gave her a "suit yourself look" and continued getting ready for his trip.
"You should call her?" Maisy spoke in the silence.
"No, I shouldn't." He gritted his teeth. "Maisy…my god,--you're like a broken record."
"Why?"
"Why are you like a broken record?"
'Why won't you call her?"
"I told you—'cause I can't keep doing this anymore." He took off his coat and balled it up in frustration, throwing it on the floor. He took a breath and leaned his hand against the wall, not looking at Maisy. "'Cause I'm tired." He took a breath. "I'm tired of it all. Tired of this cycle ---this spiral I keep putting myself through. "I call her, I get sucked in again—it's as easy as that. I need to find a balance here."
"Well, you know what I think?"
"What do you think, Maisy?"
"I think not calling is messing with your sense of balance ---"
"My balance isn't off 'cause of that. I'm just tired."
"I beg to differ."
"I can't call her."
"Why?"
"Cause I can't call her."
"But, why?"
"Because I did call her, Maisy." Danny walked over to the door and closed it. He paused for a moment, as he wanted to open up to someone, it just usually wasn't Maisy. " I did call her and missed her and she called me back and I missed the call---and so I think maybe she'll call again and then I'll be sure……but, I keep doing this 'cause then I just know what I'll do--- if I call her back and we finally talk---she won't be mine. She's not mine and maybe that's why I'm so messed up right now—why I have this thing—this pain again—I'm just starting to feel good---just a little—"
"I don't see that."
"Yeah, well I need to get rid of it and calling her is just gonna make it worse."
"Don't you want someone to share it with, Danny? Share your life with."
"Yes, yes." He shouted. "That's the problem. I have these great things happen to me and I wanna share it with her—I start to feel great and I want to share that feeling—that moment with her and I call her---and then it'll start again and we'll talk and I'll love it and it'll be great---but when it's all said and done—when I get off that phone—when I get off the road—she's not mine."
"Maybe not now, but.."
"I don't know that, Maisy."
"What happened to you? You always know that."
"No."
"Deep down, you still do, Danny, I know you do." She paused. "Besides life's not worth livin' without a goal…."
"No…no.. Maisy…" He lashed out at her. "Will you just stop it—just stop being such a damn hopeless romantic for one moment—'Cause I can't do it anymore. Do you hear me? I can't. I can't be some vessel for your everyday hopes and dreams about love, I'm a human being for Christ sake---and it may look romantic from your point of view, but from this side of the shore—when you're livin' it—it's not that romantic---and it's not that wonderful. In fact it's pretty damn painful. And if I have to destroy that little fantasy you have in your head so I can get rid of this pain in me—so I can actually go on livin' my life before I go crazy--so be it." He looked at Maisy and noticed his words had hurt her. "Maisy, I'm sorry…"
"No, no you're right.…" She walked toward the door with your head down. "I'm sorry I was trying to help…I.."
"Maisy, I'm just upset—don't take what I said…"
"You've lost your hope, Danny." She looked at him. "I never thought you'd do that—you of all people—I mean in the world we live in---I just..." She paused. "We all need hope sometimes, any place we can get it."
"You can't look to me for that—you can't look to me to help solve your problems, Maisy. Even your figurative problems."
"You can't just cut off all ties to her…you can't do what you're saying completely---to really try this experiment of yours---"
"I won't cut off all ties. I still have my access." He paused. "I can't see her anymore, and it's best I don't call her, but I still have my access—I still care how she's doing. I'll never lose that—and I don't want it--"
"You've just lost your hope."
"Sometimes hope's overrated." He paused. "It's not real."
"You don't mean that."
"Hey, just ask the Democratic party."
There was a knock at the door. Maisy took a breath and opened the door.
"Hey." A young boy appeared in the doorway. "I was told to come tell you Matt Santos is about to announce his runnin' for President. The White House just put a statement out." The eager boy ran off.
"Hey, wait." Danny yelled as the boy ran off. "Why would the White House be putting out a statement on Matt Santos running for President?"
"'Cause Josh Lyman left the White House to run his campaign." The boy caught Danny's eyes and then he was off. Danny, looking more and more a shell of himself, draped himself in the doorway, not quite getting what he heard. He looked as if he'd been shot.
Maisy grabbed the remote with a short fumble and turned on the television, already on CNN. Matt Santos's voice came booming into the room.
"Danny..." She ushered him toward her. "Danny, come see this." Danny followed toward the television with a sense of awe and sadness. "That's him right?" Maisy pointed out Josh in the crowd. "That's your friend, right? There's Josh?" Danny saw in fact it was Josh in the background of the small crowd.
Danny paused for a moment before speaking to himself. He saw in his friend the strength he himself seemed to lack, the strength he felt America was lacking. Josh had set his thoughts into action.
"Good for you, Josh." Danny spoke softly. "Good for you, Josh." Danny smiled bittersweetly. "Bad for me." Danny spoke to himself. Maisy looked over at Danny.
"This is good right? This is a good thing?" Maisy was excited again.
"Good for Josh. Bad for me." Danny was fixated on the TV.
"Why?" Maisy asked. Danny turned to her.
"I just lost my access." He looked at her and saw her eyes slowly fade to sadness.
"He was the last person…." She saw the conflict in Danny's eyes.
"I've lost all my insiders." He mocked himself. "I guess that happens when you're gone for too long." Danny lifted his bag over his shoulder.
"Please, Danny, I'm begging you—deep inside of you—don't let this get you—you still have to find your…."
"..Hope." Matt Santos spoke from the television set. Maisy and Danny turned toward the set with a feeling of strange serendipity. Danny fixated on the television while Maisy walked up behind him. "….. And I am here to tell you, hope is real. In a life of trials in a world of challenges-- hope is real." Maisy squeezed Danny's shoulder and the hardness of his last year filled his eyes.
"You okay?" Maisy asked him.
"Shh…" He quieted her as he listened to the television.
"Hope is real…" Matt Santos spoke.
"See, hope is real, Danny," Maisy whispered in his ear. Danny lifted up his finger to her.
"Hope is real. Hope is what gives us the courage to take on our greatest challenge--- to move forward together, but hope is not up for debate…." Matt Santos voice boomed into the room. "There is no such thing as false hope. There is only hope. And with your help and your hard work. And the hope of good people all across this land.…." Danny walked toward the door, but stopped at the last words. "I hearby declare my candidacy for the Presidency of these United States." Danny's eyes were wide as he heard the statement in his ear.
"Now, we have a ball game." He seemed to speak to no one in particular and then he was gone.
"Don't lose hope, Danny. For all of us. Don't lose hope." Maisy's face gleamed.