Disclaimer: Hikaru no Go belongs to Hotta Yumi and Obata Takeshi. The poem belongs to me, though
Bon no Tsuki
Moon during O-Bon, conversing with ghost over the go board.
"Your move."
It was a beautiful night, the yard beyond lit up by the bonfire, the sounds of the festivities floating up through the open shoji. Sai peered at the board over his half-open fan, leisurely studying the game. A challenging game, despite the lack of seriousness in both sides of the board.
"Your go has grown, Hikaru." And so have you, while he watched, silent and unseen, and all the while longing...
Despite the same bleached bangs, the eyes that smiled back at him were more grey than green--liquid and beautiful and heartbreaking. The predatory glint that often shone in them during his matches was absent, replaced by glimmering sheen of something very like tears that at the same time wasn't.
The voices rose from the yard as more people joined in the dance, but Hikaru's eyes were fixed on his, mouth fixed in that half-smile that couldn't quite decide if it was happy or sad. Quiet and still, as if waiting, fearing, expecting, hoping against--
This is what I have done to him. It hurts.
For this, Sai will walk barefoot through a field of broken glass by his own volition--Hikaru has told, and shown him, how much they hurt, those broken glasses, small pieces that burrows under your skin and tears and breaks and colour everything a vibrant red.
Nevertheless, what had been done cannot be undone; there was no word, no action, that could adequately express his regret of Hikaru's pain.
"Moon in the sky, water running the earth, the world turns on and on." Hikaru commented. Sai jerked slightly and out of his running reflection. "Some things," the boy continued, "will happen regardless--it just happened to be you."
Answering the hand on the Go board, Sai replied, "The falling leaves, beautiful despite the balding trees." His voice flowed the way it once did, a thousand years ago in the Heian court, a place in memory full of rustling silk and shadows of candlelight.
A slight smile, Hikaru lazily placed his answer--a wonderful hand that rendered his cluster at the upper right star useless. "A thousand year hence, we still dreams under the River of the Sky." It was, Sai realized, a jab at him, and in the same way it was merely a neutral observation. He had never known Hikaru to be so full of double-meanings.
Turning his fan shut with a slight snap, Sai studied the board carefully, knowing that Hikaru's eyes were fastened on him. He didn't allow himself to pursue the game so heavily to cause it to lose that light, playful edge. This one night was not only about Go--despite their unending search for the Hand of God.
It was for them, and this once, the game was purely accessory.
Making his move, he settled back to watch Hikaru perused the game in turn, taking the time to continue his study of the boy that had become a young man as he watched, as mute a witness as the goban Hikaru had in his room, the one that followed him from the time they were together, to the bedroom in that high-rise condo in Ueno.
People come and go as seasons turn. Despite that Hikaru gives not an indication that he notices when someone gradually disappears--Sai has noticed that he does, and wished he had known before he could watch and do nothing else.
The things you take for granted--
Now, Sai wished that Touya Akira and the Go world would cease taking this young man for granted. Did they not notice? Were they blind?
"The brightest stars were the quickest to burn out, because no one else dares come close enough to fuel them."
He didn't realize that he had said them out loud until Hikaru chuckled slightly, "Don't be so worried--I am looking for the Hand of God, after all. That is fuel enough to keep me playing until I die."
"Is that what you're really looking for, Hikaru?" He was fretful, he knew. But there was only so much he could hold inside himself--and he never had much restrain on his feelings, despite his upbringing in a court where discreetness was the way of life. Impulsive, prone to exaggerate the moment--he had been so foolish.
"Perhaps, perhaps not." The young man with bleached bangs replied idly, the light of the lantern in the room dipping them in a play of shadows as the wind escalated for a moment--laughter roared below as some dancers' ribbons becomes entangled. "The Hakase said it all too clearly did she not? So clearly I could no more dispute her than the sun could shine. There are three ways to deal with pain."
"Distract yourself from it, accept it, or you can bleed yourself until you can't feel the pain anymore."
Hikaru smiled and placed a stone. Almost without thought, Sai answered.
"At first, Go was the third way." Hikaru said reflectively. "It isn't any longer, now, though it makes me ache still; but it's a sweet burn, almost like love."
Sai smiled, and it matched Hikaru's. The festivities below were beginning to wane, as people searched for other distractions to while away the night.
"Have you been watching?"
The breeze was sweet on his face in the lingering heat of summer--Sai wasn't quite sure how he could feel them, but perhaps it was better not to question too much. Have I been watching you? I have. I have watched you dedicate your whole life to my pursuit of the Hand of God, stepping away almost completely from who you were before. I learned too late that Go isn't all that life is about, but it's a lesson you never need, is it, Hikaru?
No, Hikaru never needed that lesson, simply because he knew it all already.
But Hikaru had nothing else he could dedicate his life into, so he poured it all into three things, of which only Go was for his own benefit.
"I have."
Hikaru's beautiful, liquid eyes were dark yet brighter than the North Star, a wealth of meaning held within them. He had prayed every spare minute and second to once again speak to Hikaru and be answered. But when God finally grant his wish, there was very little to talk about.
As the night faded, he knew that so would he--Bon, Festival of the Dead. He had one night that would last with him forever.
And he knew that this was so for Hikaru.
They didn't need words. When it's time, they would cross together; he could wait, so could Hikaru.
Alongside the boat for the souls, I will wait a thousand years for you.
Festive Remembrance
You don't need to remember someone,
When you have never forgotten them.
Always in my mind, your sweet smile
Just waiting at the back of my eyes.
The heat in the early autumn
I would imagine you
Walking beside me, still with
That childlike wonder.
The world is beautiful
Because you are there
To remind me that it is
You make even pain
Full of beauty.
In this early autumn
Under the O-Bon Moon.
A/N: The poem is partly inspired by Ayumi Hamasaki's songs and the autumn leaves raining outside the window