A/N- AngelMusic's review hurts my feelings. This is a humor fic! Horror? No, not at all. I am going somewhere with this, but I was aiming more for "ludirous" than "horrifying." I feel mistrusted.
(The various POTO characters—and Bahorel, Toby, and Pirelli—are standing alone in the theatre.)
Raoul: Wait... didn't there used to be a whole bunch of guys who looked alike in here?
Erik: Yeah... there were.
Buquet: Who got rid of them?
Madame Giry: Well, you know it wasn't the Authoress.
Carlotta: 'Oo-ever eet was, eet-a must 'af been one of us.
Gothmeg: I swear to God, whoever did it—I love you. Seriously. Marry me? Even if it's Erik!
(The Authoress is sitting alone, swaying back and forth and chanting to herself.)
Raoul: Um... Miss? Where did they go?
Christine: Who got rid of them for us?
(The Authoress leaps to her feet.)
Authoress:
Gentlemen, our benefactor on this lovely day,
Whose charity is only matched by talent, I must say
A new member of the Crazy-Long Spoof Fic avant-garde:
Angel Dumott Schunard!
(And Angel enters. For those deprived persons who have yet to see the RENT movie, he is a relatively good-looking girl who is, yes, a man. Don't worry about it. Basically, she/he's freaking adorable.)
Angel:
Today for you, tomorrow for me!
It was my lucky day today on
Mind Level A
When the Authoress, poor dearie,
Came skippin' my way.
She said "Dahling, be a dear.
Haven't updated in a year!
I need your help to make this crazy group
Of Depps disappear!
I invited them,
Asked for them,
Yes all that's true.
Yet their presence is only serving
To make the characters blue.
I wanted them here, I know,
But now I find
That though they're hot they're making
My poor readers lose their mind!"
Now who could foretell
That it would go so well?
For sure as I am here
Those Depps are not in here as well.
Today for you, tomorrow... for me!
Authoress: Huh. That was the most retarded song parody I've ever written.
Gerard Alessandrini: It's not so easy, eh?
Authoress: Clearly not.
Christine: Wait... so, what happened?
Authoress: Angel got rid of the Depps for me. She played a big bucket like a drum for an hour and they all swan-dove from the window ledge of the twenty-third story.
(Several readers look shocked.)
Authoress: I'm just kidding, don't worry! I locked them all in my attic with my other kidnapped invisible character friends!
(No one seems reassured.)
Erik: Wait... I thought you loved those guys.
Authoress: Yeah... but I was getting confused. And now I'm in love with Angel... which is allowed without people calling me gay, because technically Angel is a man.
Raoul: That's a man?
Authoress: Technically. Shut up. I'm in love with the RENT movie, okay? Because Angel's sweet and adorable and Roger looks like a puppy and Mark needs a hug!
Raoul: ...Right.
Authoress: Shut up. I'm going to marry Wilson Jermaine Heredia so there.
Raoul: Who?
Authoress: Wilson! He's the guy who played Angel. He got a Tony for it too.
Erik: To get a Tony, wouldn't one have to be a Broadway star?
Authoress: Yeah. Wait... how'd you know that, you nineteenth century character, you?
Erik: I just do.
Authoress: Ah.
Raoul: Aren't most Broadway actors homosexual?
Authoress: What? Raoul! You don't even know what opium is!
Raoul: What?
Authoress: What's happening with you guys?
Firmin: What are the chances that your Wilson whatever-it-is actually likes girls?
Authoress: "Likes girls"? Since when do you say things like that? And since when are you back?
André: And doesn't your Wilson play a cross-dresser in RENT?
Authoress: Yes! HOW DO YOU PEOPLE KNOW THESE THINGS?
Madame Giry: If it makes you feel any better, I have no idea what they're going on about.
Authoress: THANK you!
Erik: Honestly, though, what are the chances that your Wilson could ever actually even look at you as a member of the opposite sex?
Authoress: Shut up, you freaks! I shall answer you... in song.
(Breaking into another crappy rewrite of Today 4 U.)
Authoress:
It was my lucky day one day
On the movie database
When I saw a topic asking
"Is he really gay?"
I said, "Wilson, my dear,
Please tell me you aren't queer!
'Cos if you are I feel my love for you
Might disappear!"
I crossed my fingers
These singers
Are always gay
Espesh'lly if they get their start on
Broadway
And what do I see
But Wilson with a "she"
It's true that he likes girls
And soon he'll be with me
I say
Today with her, tomorrow with me
Today with her, tomorrow with me!
I agreed she was cute,
And a blonde to boot, yes sir!
But I'm psycho, coming after her!
I'll go after her kneecaps
Or her perfect face
It won't take long until this chick
Is a disgrace! I feel that
Wilson
Won't go on
Without a girl
To prove that kissing other guys
Will make him hurl!
What Angel did with Collins
That's not his thing
He'll prove the alto voice part
Isn't all he'll sing!
Today with her, tomorrow with me!
Today with her, tomorrow with me!
Sing it! Today with her, tomorrow with me!
Today with her, tomorrow
Woh-oh-oh-oh!
With me!
Raoul: (to Erik and the managers) Maybe we should forget the plan. She seems kind of vicious.
Firmin: (covering his kneecaps) I agree with number two.
Erik: Oh, come on! Just wear shinguards!
Authoress: Shinguards? Is that how you spell that? Microsoft Word doesn't think so... Wait... what about shinguards?
Erik: Um... Raoul is a fop?
Raoul: No I'm not.
Erik: Yes you are.
Authoress: Okay, guys, break it up! We have to go on with the show! What's next? Erik, you're Enjolras, right? And Raoul is Marius... Éponine just died, right? Yeah... Okay, get onstage or be... um... hurt!
Erik: Oh, eek.
Raoul: Yikes.
(They get in their positions.)
Erik:
She is the first to fallThe first of us to fall upon this barricade
Raoul:
Her name was ÉponineHer life was cold and dark
Yet she was unafraid
Erik:
We fight here in her nameShe will not die in vain
She will not be betrayed...
(He runs and climbs to the top of the barricade.)
Here comes a man in uniform What brings you to this place?(As Valerik)
I come here as a volunteer!(As Joly)
Approach and show your face!You wear an army uniform
(As Valerik)
That's why they let me through!(As Joly)
You've got some years behind you sir(As Valerik)
There's much that I can do(As Joly, then Grantaire)
You see that prisoner over there?(Points to whoever the heck is playing Javert now)
A volunteer like you!A spy who calls himself Javert
He's gonna get it too!
They're getting ready to attack!
Take this (giving himself a gun...) and use it well
But if you shoot us in the back
You'll never live to tell!
Running up the barricade again.)
Platoon of sappers advancing toward the barricade!Troops behind them, fifty men or more!
(Jumping down)
Fire!(Erik collapses in a pile of exhaustion. Raoul cannot help but laugh. Hysterically.)
Raoul: That was fun to watch.
Erik: Shut up, number t... fop.
Raoul: You shut up!
Authoress: Come on, guys!
Angel: 'Scuse me, sugar, but who's playing the boy with the big sideburns?
Authoress: What, sweetie? I dunno, I lost track. It's either me or Bahorel or Montparnasse or... something. I think it was a monkey at one point.
Angel: Can I do it next, honey?
Authoress: Sure, darlin'.
Buquet: You know... between the two of them, if I hear one more endearment I may vomit.
Authoress: Oh, hush. So tune in next update, whenever that may be... for Angel-ness, a possible return of a few Depps, and... erm... whatever. Wow, this fic is so sadly deserted.