On The Road With Danny Concannon New York, New Jersey, Connecticut
"Variations On The Word Sleep"
Episode: The Wake Up Call
I would like to watch you sleeping,
which may not happen.
I would like to watch you,
sleeping. I would like to sleep
with you, to enter
your sleep as its smooth dark wave
Slides over my head
-Margaret Atwood "Variations on The Word Sleep"
CJ stood in her kitchen dressed in work clothes with a barely-used apron around her waist. She hummed, feeling relaxed, while she lightly cupped a glass of white wine in her left hand. She brought the glass to her mouth and then savored the taste before setting it down on the counter. She was also savoring actually preparing a real meal for a change and not throwing down take out with Kate or Toby as usual. She felt she was finally able to breathe, finally able to relax. It was always the small things that kept the mind going and the body agile.
He walked into the small kitchen to find her standing next to the stove cutting tomatoes and popping the sections into her mouth with great joy.
"I didn't know you cooked?" He said as she stood next to a boiling kettle, a tomato wedge jetting into her cheek from the inside.
Her eyes popped open with glee as she tried to speak and swallow the contents.
"I don't." She moved her fingers to the next slice of tomato, which she cut, into fours. 'I'm not cooking." She said fingering the piece in her long and slender fingers. "This is eating. There's a difference." She slid the tomato wedge into her month. He walked up to her and ran his hands around her waist. She smiled at the feeling and he rested his head on her shoulder..
CJ looked at him from the corner of her eye and smiled from the same corner of her mouth. She turned toward him and rested her back against the counter top. He leaned forward and she popped a tomato wedge into his mouth.
"Good?" She said as she turned back toward the vegetables.
"Yeahhhh." He said inflecting up and still in mid-chew.
"Really…" She joked back and rested her long arms around his neck and leaned in for a kiss. Their lips locked as if they were one and she felt that warm feeling she hadn't felt in a long time- a connection on so many levels. She leaned into his body and he into hers. She felt as if he had lifted her off the ground, they were so pushed into each other. Just when she didn't think she could fall any closer without being inappropriate in front of the baby asparagus, she felt her back hit the counter top and her body arch backwards.
"Oww." CJ hit her head against the cabinets.
"Ohhh, no. I'm sorry." Danny laughed as he reached up and put his hand on her head. CJ couldn't do anything but laugh herself. "You okay?" Danny lifted her off the counter top.
"Yeah." She laughed. "Yeah." She looked into his eyes. "Welcome home." CJ leaned in and kissed him soft and slow. Danny couldn't help but fall into her charms, smelling her smell on her neck and feeling her feel the bristle of his beard on her face. CJ pulled away.
"Let me finish this." CJ said softly.
"Okay." He said sweetly, not liking the situation, but liking being taken care of by the woman he loved. There was a little space between them, but they still remained close looking into each other's eyes and not wanting to leave. Unable to be apart, they slowly started to come together again. Suddenly CJ's beeper went off, shocking the two. Danny and CJ both looked at CJ's beeper on her waist and suddenly CJ was back in her bedroom almost jumping out of her skin to the ring of her telephone. Last thing she remembered was closing her eyes at 12:15; now it was 3:30. This time she'd only slept a little over two hours but like always it felt like minutes. Maybe sleep was overrated. She reached for the phone.
4:55 am
Danny grabbed the phone off of its carrel, and brought it toward his head, under his pillow, and to his ear.
"Yeah." He said in his groggy, fatigued voice.
"This is your 4:55 wake-up call Mr. Concannon." The woman's voice came through the line.
"Thank you." Danny grumbled and stretched his arm out to find the carrel. He waved his arm around, unwilling to lift his head from the pillow until he finally felt and heard the phone hit its base.
After a few more moments, Danny finally lifted the pillow off his face and turned his body and eyes toward the ceiling, another day, another few hours of sleep. He should have taken the turn of events over the last few weeks as a wake-up call that he needed to take a rest, but Danny's stubbornness shined through. He was more determined than ever to continue ahead with his journey. Danny took a breath and set his feet on the ground with a thump.
6:30 am
Crack! Maisy set months worth of laundry to the ground in the Laundromat. It was more than she could carry and it was a miracle she had gotten from her car to the door.
"Hey, Happy Valentine's Day, Maisy." A man behind the counter of the twenty-four hour Laundromat yelled to Maisy as if she knew him. "You're here kinda early?"
"Yeah." She took a breath, winded from carrying her load. "It's the only time I have to fit it in." She walked up to the counter and laid a five-dollar bill on counter. "Can I have five dollars worth?"
"Sure." He set a roll of quarters on the counter as Maisy looked at the display of her phone. No messages. Maisy yawned; she wasn't the only one in need of sleep.
7:30 am
Danny held onto a coffee cup. He wore sunglasses to hide his weary eyes and sleepless skin. He reached for the car door of his car with the other hand. Just a pit stop on the way to New Hampshire; the only stop he planned to make all day. He'd checked the weather report, made sure to go home and get his own baby of a car this time, and was feeling pretty beaten as he dragged along to his next destination. Shrugging off the last few weeks to a bad coincidence, he told himself there was no such thing as bad luck. Still, the fog he couldn't shake lingered.
"Are you sleeping, Danny?" He heard the voice of the psychologist in his head. On his way through New York City, Danny had stopped by. "From the look of you I'd say no." She paused. "Are you sleeping Danny? She looked at him with eyes that knew.
"I'm sleeping enough—when I can."
"The inability to sleep can be a sign of depression, Danny."
"Are you sayin' I'm depressed?" He laughed it off, still not leaving the doorframe of her dark office.
"Do you think you're depressed, Danny?"
Danny shook the memory, and kept on going
Danny was about to get into his car when he heard his phone beep. He leaned down and put his coffee cup in his car before reaching for his phone and answering it, still outside the car. It was a text message from Maisy. He opened the phone and read it: just making sure you got your wake up call. Danny smiled and threw his phone into the passenger side of his car.
The fatigue should have been a wake up call; his body was trying to tell him something. The ebb and flow of sadness over his brain like a haze; it should have been a wake-up call, his heart was trying to tell him something. But still he carried on. He carried on—carried on with the direction, with the thought, that at the end of the tunnel was some peace. Looking back was never an option. He had to get over her, he had to get on with his life, and he had to show to himself he could do his job. Danny got into the car and started the engine and set his wheels turning.
8:05 pm
Maisy watched the washing machine turn around in spirals like a wheel on a bike or a car on the road. She reached into her pocket and sent two quarters into another machine. Her eyes caught a guy who was looking at her. Always shy around boys in this way, Maisy looked away, red and flushed; she didn't know what to do when she was in the situation, not that she minded giving others advice on such situations.
"Ted, can I have a water?" She put two dollars on the counter. Maisy looked over toward the boy who was folding his laundry. Ted saw the look and smiled as he handed Maisy her drink. Maisy looked away and took out her phone again, only this time she dialed. "Hey, Danny, it's Maisy. Just making sure you're on the road—I know you wanted me to be sure you were awake by now."
"Here's your change, Maisy." Ted set two quarters on the counter. They rolled around before landing flat in front of Maisy. They were both commemorative coins - Iowa and New Hampshire.
"Thanks, Ted." She said grabbing them without looking at them. "Just call me when you get to New Hampshire. I'll be in the office by ten." She closed her phone and set it on top of a washer. She sent the Iowa quarter into the machine with a clang and was about to insert the other when she noticed the New Hampshire logo and smiled. Maisy wondered where Danny was and hoped it was on his way or already in New Hampshire for both their sakes. She decided to keep the quarter as her lucky charm, and set it on top of the dryer, putting another quarter into the machine with a clang.
9:15 am
Danny slid his last quarter into the phone of the gas station. He didn't look so happy. He waited for the phone to ring and leaned against the top of the phone.
"I didn't think anyone these days didn't have a cell phone." The machine spoke as he ran a greasy rag over his hands.
"It's charging." He smiled politely and nodded his head. He returned his attention to the phone, impatiently hitting his fingers on the top of it. "Come on, come on." But no one answered. Danny slammed the phone down. He walked out of the shadow of the garage and onto the concrete, past a few of the pumps.
"How's it look?" Danny scratched the back of his neck and looked at his car, suspended above the ground.
"Not good." He heard a voice from under the car boom out and echo. Danny looked down and a man rolled out from under the car.
"How long?"
"An hour, tops." The man stood up and patted Danny on the shoulder. "Don't worry."
Danny took a sigh and looked at his watch.
11:15 am
Danny leaned into his car and looked at his phone. It looked charged enough for at least one phone call. He looked over at the two mechanics talking off in the distance.
"Hey, guys—what we lookin' at?"
"Don't worry, Mr. Concannon, we got it covered. You'll be on the road in an hour." And he went back to talking to the second mechanic.
"Yeah…" Danny looked down as he raised the phone to his ear. Things were not going as well as planned. His eyes felt heavy, but Danny had no time to rest.
Maisy leaned forward in her seat halfway through John Hoynes' book, poking her fingers into a tub of popcorn on her desk. Her phone rang and she reached for it, still immersed in her book.
"Danny Concannon's office." She said as if she wasn't even paying attention.
"Hey, Maisy." Danny's voice came over the phone.
"Hey—I tried to call you."
"My phone was charging—listen."
"You there yet?"
"No."
"Not yet." She whined. "What happened this time?"
"My car broke down between New York and New Jersey."
"Wow, you really are in hell."
"Thanks. Thanks for that."
"I told you not to drive."
"Maisy…"
"I said something's going on with you…."
"I'm not cursed, Maisy."
"If you say so."
"Listen, can you see if you can get me a fight outta Newark. Looks like I won't be getting outta here anytime soon."
"It's your fan belt, isn't it? You should really get a Geo."
"Maisy."
"I'll try Danny, but we're really gettin' real close to the primary—it's hard to get a flight in or out of New Hampshire."
"Well, I don't need to get out, do I, Maisy."
"Funny."
"Just do it, Maz. I'm about 30 minutes away, so get the nearest time that I can get a cab over there."
"I have an idea. How about you take a nap and I get you a flight out in the morning."
"How 'bout you stop this terrible impersonation of my mother."
"No matter how many times I hear that joke—it's still not funny."
"Keep me posted." He hung up the phone.
11: 45 am
Danny couldn't take it anymore and he sat himself down on a bench in the lobby. He slumped in his seat and threw his coat next to him. His whole body hurt. Danny leaned back and looked at the clock on the wall behind the register and noticed the time. He'd been there for three hours. His eyes started to flutter and he tried his hardest to keep them open. Again he heard the memory of the psychologist in his head.
"Lack of sleep, Danny, can play games with your head."
"I'm fine, really."
"Lack of sleep can make you feel agitated, lonely, it all gets heightened."
"I think I heard that somewhere before, but I'm fine."
"If you say so."
"I do," he demanded.
"Okay," she said, not believing him.
Danny opened his eyes and was jolted back to the gas station office. He tried not to, but his eyes grew heavy and he closed his eyes again.
1:40 pm
Danny opened his eyes slowly and saw the clock. He felt groggy and still sleep-deprived. He'd never fallen asleep so fast and his eyes felt heavy again. Danny's phone rang and he reached into his jacket pocket and pulled out his phone.
"Yeah…"
"Still no luck. I'm gonna try few airports in Connecticut."
He pinched his brow.
"Danny, get some sleep." Maisy urged him.
"Yeah..yeah.." He said not really paying attention to her. "Keep me posted."
"Mr. Concannon." One the mechanics yelled from the doorway. "I think we just about got it."
Danny rose up slowly and went for the door.
Maisy set the phone down and pushed her copy of Full Disclosure to the side, reaching her hand toward the mouse of her computer.
"Hey, Maisy." Maisy heard a voice and looked up to see a something thrown her way. "Here."
She grabbed on to the object and opened her hands to see a small red-covered chocolate heart.
"Happy Valentine's Day."
"Thanks." She smiled looking at him and then back at the heart in her palm. "Courtesy of the White House Communications Department." The man walked away and Maisy placed the heart next to her computer for later. She continued fiddling with her mouse and with her free hand she picked up the phone.
"Yeah, hi. I'm calling from the Washington Post. How much to charter one of your planes?"
5pm
"No, Maisy—not another charter plane." Danny sped down the highway in his newly restored car. "So far in the last two days, I've missed a train and a bus, and had the car I was driving break down. Given my track record lately with small planes, trains and automobiles—the only way I'll get in the air is with a major airline, with fall back seats, and a bar cart." Danny felt the phone slip from his shoulder as he tried to talk and drive at the same time. He still hadn't found time to get one of those hands free devices, nor did he have the urge to get one. "Keep trying, Maisy - no, no stand by right now. I don't want to waste time sitting in an airport and not even get there." Danny shut the phone and threw it to the seat beside him. He looked forward at the traffic in front of him. Hopefully it wouldn't last long.
6pm
Danny drove down the dark highway and tried not to think of CJ. Music from the radio filled his journey, giving his travels a soundtrack as he rode past a canvas of white winter snow and cold air with Tori Amos singing in the foreground.
Snow can wait
I forgot my mittens
Wipe my nose, get my new boots on
I get a little warm in my heart
When I think of winter
I put my hand in my father's glove
I run off
Where the drifts get deeper
Sleeping Beauty trips me with a frown
I hear a voice:
"You must learn to stand up
For yourself
'Cause I can't always be around"
He was definitely going through something. Whether it was CJ withdrawal or the road, all Danny could think of was to keep going and let the time pass. Keep driving, keep running away, keep running on fumes until he could get her out of his system.
CJ sat at her desk and heard Abbey and the President fight beyond the walls. She tried to block it out, but it was hard. It just made her feel awkward. Again she thought of where Danny was, which made her feel more awkward, so she went back to all she had: her work.
He says when you gonna make up your mind
When you gonna love you as much as I do
When you gonna make up your mind
'Cause things are gonna change so fast
All the white horses are still in bed
I tell you that I'll always want you near
You say that things change, my dear
Back in his car, Danny kept on motoring on.
"Why are you here, Danny?" He heard his therapist's voice in his head.
"I'm on my way to New Hampshire.," he said lingering in her doorway.
"I see that, Danny, but I don't hear from you since December and before that on and off. I don't have time for someone who isn't serious about their therapy."
"I am. I am. I'm just busy, that's all. I am committed to this."
"When you have time?"
"Yeah." He paused "It's an election season."
"I thought you said it's always an election season."
"Ahh." He smiled. "You got me there."
There was a pause.
"I am serious, Abby, but I can't just stop my life for this-I have a job to do, I have bills to pay."
"Okay, fine. Then come in—we'll have a session right now."
"I told you I just by to say hello. I can't now."
"Fine. Hi." She circled her desk. "Now, I have real work to do, so..."
"Hey..."
Danny was caught again, on the road trying to stay focused as he turned into an easy pass lane toward the toll booth, but his thoughts kept focusing on CJ, as the lyrics penetrated his subconscious.
When you gonna make up your mind
When you gonna love you as much as I do
When you gonna make up your mind
'Cause things are gonna change so fast
All the white horses are still in bed
I tell you that I'll always want you near
You say that things change, my dear
Tears started to stream down Danny's face and he didn't know why, but it was happening. He kept on driving and held it in, wiping the stripes of water from his cheeks. He tried to push CJ out of his mind like he had been doing for months, but it was always hard, this time he was brought back to a few nights before, when he had stopped by Abby's office and back to where his brain had left the memory of their conversation.
"You said you stopped by to say hello, Danny." Abby walked up to me. "So, hello. Goodbye. Which is it, Danny? Either you want to really try therapy, or you don't. Coem in if we're going to do this—otherwise—I think you need to find another doctor." She walked away.
"I'd stay if I could—I'm on my way—"
"In or out, Danny. Ever since you got here you haven't set one foot in this room. Either you're in or you're not. " There was a pause as they stared each other down.
"I…" Danny turned his head to the side. "I really gotta go. I have to meet someone and then I gotta get back on the road."
"Okay." Abby turned toward her work and Danny wanted to say something. He knew all she was doing was playing bad cop to help him, but he could see she was hurt for not being able to help him. Danny felt he didn't need her help.
"Yeah…okay." Danny lifted his bag and turned toward the hallway.
"By the way." Danny turned his head to Abby's voice. She spoke as she organized papers on her desk. "That loss of conscience you had in the bathroom in Illinois."
"I didn't lose consciousness, my eyes just…."
"That loss of consciousness you had was a wake-up call, Danny. It was your brain sending a wake-up call to your body." She paused and looked Danny in the eye. "And if you don't take care of yourself, it's going to get worse." She tried to pretend she didn't care, but she always cared about others, she just had to always be neutral. Danny didn't say anything. "You call me when you're serious about your mental health, Danny."
"I have a system."
"Well, your system's not working Danny." She paused.
Danny shook the memory from his mind and kept on driving
…………..winter melts
Flowers competing for the sun
Years go by and I'm here still waiting
Withering where some snowman was
Mirror mirror where's the crystal palace
But I only can see myself
shaking around the truth who I am.
He lifted his hand and stretched out the fatigue, and then placed his hand back on the wheel. He drove on and tried to ignore the fact that his right hand started to shake. He placed his right hand on his left to stop the shaking and it subsided. There was no time for stopping, there was no time for sleep.
When you gonna make up your mind
When you gonna love you as much as I do
When you gonna make up your mind
Cause things are gonna change so fast
All the white houses have gone ahead
I tell you that I'll always want you near
You say that things change my dear
Never change
All the white horses…
Winter Tori Amos
Danny kept on driving. That was all he knew how to do at the moment. That was all he could do as his car pressed on toward his destiny.