A/N: Still just a soap opera...and this is really soapy. A sweet angst. Some cursing.
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If You're Not the One - 8
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'Cause I miss you,
body and soul so strong that it takes my breath away
And I breathe you into
my heart and pray for the strength to stand today
'Cause I love you,
whether it's wrong or right
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Patrick was spent as he walked the miles from Noah's apartment to General Hospital. It wasn't entirely a physical weariness, though it was manifesting itself as that he thought wearily as he shifted his jacket to his other hand. Despite the cool air, he was sweating in his suit from his exertions.
The last two days had been draining in a way that he was not equipped to deal with. From Robin's vicious verbal flaying, which, though he had forgiven and understood a lot better now, had taken a lot out of him, especially since he had been so excited and looking forward to an evening in her company in her private space before being dropped from the cliff. Which led to his dissatisfying and all too illuminating run in with Carly – illuminating in that he was just going through the motions, he wasn't the least bit tempted to drown himself in easy sex (he had no doubt he could have gotten her to lay down for him if he had really tried - and he was probably right), a point that hit him clearly between the eyes the moment he saw Robin and stepped back like a husband caught with his pants down. All of which led to his second and third and fourth run ins with Robin, his drunken date and now to his father turning up missing and in detox.
Dammit! He had purposefully set up his life so that his father couldn't hurt him anymore and he never expected there to be a woman who could. All of his perceptions about himself and his life were quickly proving to be illusions and it was leaving him open and bare in a way he hadn't been since he had been a boy secure in the love of his mother and his idol father. A long fucking time ago.
It wasn't that he had definitively decided there would be no happy family after his father's flame out, he just wasn't looking for it and eventually came to believe was something he never would find. The reason for that was, though he didn't consciously know it, any woman that didn't live up to the standard set in his eyes by his mother didn't hold his interest. So he figured he was saf and after a lot shorter time than a decade it became who he was - the playboy surgeon. Then he met Robin Scorpio, a woman who met every standard he didn't know he had.
Basically, all this fighting against the unknown going on in his subconscious, the experience of new emotions, the shattering of the illusions he had about himself and this new vulnerability all smacked him upside the head in that moment in his father's apartment. So he ran, an action that he was ashamed of now as he dragged himself to face up to the consequences. See, he was certain there would be consequences because now, for the first time since his mother died, there was someone in his life who held him accountable for his actions, for performing higher than the standard of his baser instincts. Someone who, and he could hardly comprehend this, believed in him as more than a cocky, womanizing surgeon. And he so desperately wanted to gain her approval, even though he resisted the notion, and he never felt he really got it except during the epidemic. He was certain, though wrong, that he had lost it by leaving her to clean up the mess of his father; yet, he couldn't stay away. Couldn't not see her and bask in whatever it was that she was going to lay on him. She was a sight to behold in any mood, Patrick thought bemusedly.
Robin Scorpio. The self-appointed savior of the Drake man, as Patrick and Noah both separately thought of her. Neither knew whether to resent the hell out of her for bringing them together into this tragic theatre or whether to grab onto her like a lifeline. Both admired her and were scared of her in equal measure. Both had unspoken crushes on her as well; except that Patrick, well, Patrick was more than a little bit in love with her too. He just wasn't ready to find that piece of sanity in the middle of the turmoil just yet.
With a sigh, Patrick opened the door to the hospital and steeled himself to face another battle.
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"Getting me moved to General is not going to change anything. As soon as I'm strong enough, I'm going to check myself out. There's not going to be any operation, unless you got a spare liver in your purse. I took myself off the donor list," Noah crossed his arms and pouted at Robin from his hospital bed.
Sighing, Robin resisted the urge to punch the man. "Will you just stop? You still have a chance, including a donation from a willing son who loves you. That's a lot more than most people could say in your situation."
"Most people in my situation have a legitimate reason to have a transplant."
"They all have bad livers, it doesn't matter how they got them."
"It does to me. My -- my liver's shot because I drank. It wasn't injury or -- or -- or a disease. I did it to myself. I earned this."
"Did you also earn the right to be your own judge and jury? To decide that you don't deserve to live?"
"What's this really all about, huh? Is it compassion or medical ethic or you just want to look good in my son's eyes?" The question blew away the carefully prepared speech Robin had about her HIV status and alcoholism being a disease. As did the smug look in Noah's eyes as he hit her where it hurt, whether by design or accident she wasn't sure.
"Do you realize you're just as narcissistic as Patrick?"
"Patrick's a brilliant doctor and a good man," Noah said proudly.
"Maybe, but he's also an egotistical, arrogant, self-centered jerk." Robin stepped closer to the bed. "Do you really think my meddling in his business with you is what I need to do to look good in Patrick's eyes?"
"I think," Noah said slowly and then stopped. Frowned. Looked at a spot on his blanket.
"Do you think that Patrick wants anyone to make him deal with this, with you and the pain you caused him for the past ten years? Do you think that it endears him to me that I can't just sit by and let you die and let him lose whatever chance he might have at saving you or making peace with you? Do you think that it rocks his world?" Robin demanded, voicing her second greatest fear in all of this – the first was that Noah would die and that Patrick would be haunted by his death for the rest of his days – the second was that Patrick would scorn her for her interference. It was a silent testimony to how much she cared about these men that she meddled anyway.
Noah closed his eyes, unable to find the words that were in his heart. Words about his son. About his wife. About himself. He didn't deserve all this fuss, he didn't want it. Yet, he did and didn't know how to accept anymore than his son did.
Robin wanted to ask him again and again until he answered, but she had her pride. She sighed and clutched the file she still held in her hand from the treatment center.
"Where is Patrick? If you took enough trouble to get me here, I'm sure you alerted him, right?"
"Patrick is doing a procedure right now."
"Really? What's her name?" Noah smirked.
"He'll be here. No matter how angry he is with you, you're still his father." Robin hoped that was true. "I'll let you rest." She put the file down and walked out.
As the door closed behind her she closed her eyes and dropped her head in her hands. She was shaking with it, the emotion and the recognition. She had been down this road before there was no way she could have avoided recognizing it for long. It was why she was here tonight instead of on a boat gambling and dancing the night away with a handsome prince who had a soft spot for her. It was why she had been in tears on the floor of her apartment the day before when she thought it was all a joke on her, his interest. It was why, well, it was the why of so many things.
She was in love with Patrick Drake. She was stunned by the realization, staggered by the implications and terrified she'd end up in pieces on the floor all alone before this all played out. As far as she knew nothing had changed since the night before, except Patrick being willing to put her above Carly. It wasn't like he could suddenly decide he was grown up and in love and willing to be monogamous.
Was it?
"Robin, what's wrong?" Patrick asked worriedly, hurrying over at the sight of Robin standing looking stricken outside Noah's room. "Is my father…worse? Or just drunk?"
Robin turned to face him, wondering what the hell she was supposed to do now.