On The Road With Danny Concannon: NY State Of Mind & Denver, CO
"In a Matter Of Minutes."
Episode: Drought Conditions
I drink good coffee every morning
comes from a place that's far away
And when I'm done I feel like talking
Without you here there is less to say
I Just Don't Think I'll Ever Get Over You
By Colin Hay
Danny poured himself a coffee in his own kitchen for a change, but it was not for long, his carry-on and laptop waited at the door. He thought back to just a few weeks before in his doctor's sessions.
"So you think you're delusional?" Abby asked Danny.
"No, I know I'm not delusional, I know what I'm seeing—I'm not delusional."
"But you fantasize about her - this other woman- well this woman, since you don't seem to have any other woman—in your life now I mean."
"Yes."
"That's normal Danny, all people"
"I know—it's just…consuming me, that's all."
"And you feel guilty about this woman?"
"Yes." Danny said softly and conflicted.
"The woman you.. substituted."
"I suppose . . ." Danny spoke with gritted teeth. "...you can call...it that."
"You said it was casual, Danny, and she knew it - you weren't taking advantage of her." Danny didn't say any thing. "You feel like you cheated on this woman...on CJ."
"Can we not all her CJ here?"
"I'm sorry?"
"I'd just feel better if we called her Claudia…the woman, this woman, I don't care. Just not here. Not here."
"I told you, Danny, you're not betraying her trust here—you're not—"
"I know, I know. It'd just make me feel better. Make me feel out of it." He paused. "Humor me."
"Okay." She gave him a look. "Claudia—you feel like you've cheated on her…on Claudia - yet from what you've told me she's been in relationships of a much more intimate and exclusive nature. You've made no vow, you have no understanding Danny - just a feeling - just an unspoken bond. You can decide not to do it again—you can take this action and try to change things in your life but you can't look back in regret." She paused. "You have the right to be a hot blooded American male." She paused "Danny, it's your turn."
There was another long pause and Abby seemed to be getting irritated with Danny. "Danny." She called, but he wouldn't look at her. "Danny. Danny! Look at me." Danny looked toward her. "What we need to work on is you. You, now. You can't physically get someone out of your head like an operation—you can move forward with steps like giving up smoking and the next thing you know you don't crave a cigarette anymore you don't have nicotine fits—some place inside of you—you still want a cigarette or a drink…but it won't be as painful if won't be in your forefront. You'll be able to live it. Be able to function with it. And maybe just maybe it will seem like you've forgotten her."
"I don't want to forget her."
"It's your turn, Danny."
"Where would we, I mean for me to forget?" He gritted his teeth.
"You don't have to forget, Danny, you just need to heal." She paused.
"What—where…where would we start?" He paused. "If I wanted this - if we went through with this—not that sayin'…this is what -where would we start?"
"We're gonna work on your being able to think about her and still be able to sleep. We need to work on you being able to confront and not run away—to not feel like you want to jump out of your skin. No matter what I do I can't make you forget her. We're just gonna make you able to move forward, okay, Danny?" Danny didn't respond.
"Okay."
"Start from the beginning."
Danny stood in his empty hotel room remembering his session the day before with his doctor. The small desk light illuminated the room making the light low and centered in one area of the room. His suitcase was opened on the bed, but nothing had been unpacked yet, except his laptop, Danny paced. Another session with Abby popped into his head.
I don't want you thinking I'm unhappy
What is closer to the truth
That if I lived till I was 102
I just don't think I'll ever get over you
"You think you're getting better?" Abby asked looking at her notes before looking up at Danny sitting on the couch.
"Yeah, I do," he said surprised at himself. "It's not perfect. It's not all the time. It's not in long stretches ya know. But I'm enjoying the little things again. You know. I don't know…?"
"The climate's changing?"
"It's just warm enough to snow." He smiled.
"I'm sorry?"
"Inside joke."
I'm no longer moved to drink strong whisky
'Cause I shook the hand of time and I knew
That if I lived till I could no longer climb my stairs
I just don't think I'll ever get over you
"You going back on the road, Danny?"
"I never left?"
"Maybe you need a rest."
"I'm fine. I'm getting to fine. I can't stop my life—day by day."
Your face it dances and it haunts me
Your laughter's still ringing in my ears
I still find pieces of your presence here
Even after all these years
"Danny?" Abby asked. "Danny?"
Danny turned from the window.
"Yeah."
"You sleeping?"
Danny walked away from the window and sat down on the couch. He set his hands on the back of his head and his head between his legs.
"Danny?"
"Yeah?" Danny looked up.
"I said, are you sleeping?"
"Is this keeping me up? No."
"But are you sleeping."
"I've gone days without sleep for a story, wrote the thing,got a Pulitzer on less sleep than this."
"You didn't answer my question?"
"You should be a reporter, you're good at this."
"It is my job."
"Yeah, well same here."
" Asking questions?"
"Yeah."
"Well, I ask more than questions." There was a pause. "I thought you were here to heal, Danny."
"I am. And this last week, I see it—I'm feeling better. I get my actions now, that's half the battle."
"You can't just be better in a few weeks—in a matter of minutes. Danny—it's not as easy as that—"
"I know, I know—I just mean - I just mean I'm aware of my actions now."
"You may be aware of your actions, Danny, but being in denial isn't just about your brain—it's about your body. You can't just work with me for a couple of weeks and expect to be better over night—we both have to work at this. You need to slow down, Danny." She paused. "All the weight of the last year is still weighing on you, Danny, and if you don't stop running yourself into the ground—you're not twenty-two anymore, Danny. Your body can't handle what it used to."
Danny stood from the couch and began to pace. There was a long awkward pause. Abby leaned back in her chair.
"You think I shouldn't go to Arizona?'
"No, Danny, I don't think you should."
Danny looked at her long and hard.
"Well, that's not really your decision to make."
"No, Danny." Abby and Danny caught eyes. "No, it isn't."
I've been thinking
About you and me
Maybe I was just
Seeing what I wanted to see
Shawn Colvin "In a Matter of Minutes
Danny splashed water on his face and walked back into the bedroom of the motel room. He patted his face with a face towel and then threw it back into the bathroom behind him. He looked over at the clock on the dresser and it wasn't as late as he felt. It was pretty late, and with jet lag and so forth all Danny wanted to do was sleep, but he couldn't. With a deadline and with all the coffee inside of him it wasn't like he could fall asleep. It wouldn't have mattered anyway, for in a few hours he had to be on a plane to Arizona for the primaries. This time he'd get there early and with plenty of time. He felt weary and his whole body seemed fatigued, as he paced around the room. His brain was going a mile a minute, but his body seemed to stay just as still and lethargic. His brain was going so fast on only a few hours of sleep Danny wasn't sure if his thoughts were even real as all his emotions, anxieties and emotions, all heightened to the level he thought maybe he was going crazy. Maybe all the stress in his life had finally gotten to him. The room seemed so gray, or was that the color scheme? It was hard to tell. Danny rolled the suspenders off his shoulders and let them fall around his waist. He shook his head and raised his hand to his forehead. He'd take another aspirin, but that hadn't seemed to work the first time. It all seems to happen in a matter of minutes.
You can call me crazy
But you know this time I swore
That I wouldn't run
But I can't do that anymore
CJ found a time to excuse herself from the party and leaned up against a wall in a small hallway near the kitchen. She had a moment to herself while the President talked to Cliff Cally. She took out her cell phone and a Post-it from her purse and began dialing the number on the piece of paper. When it began to ring, she brought the phone to her ear.
I can't find a way to stay
And I can't see my way to go
But I can't give up without a fight.
"Yes, hi—is this the Sheraton? Yes, hello. Did you have a Danny Concannon staying with you—well, this would have been a few days ago yes, no I don't need any personal information, I….yes, yes I understand that. I just needed to know when he checked in, that's all. No, I. . . . Fine. Fine. Can you tell me when he checked out? Yes, yes…" She leaned back getting frustrated. "I need to get Mr. Concannon an important message—yes I'll hold."
"Yeah, Maisy you can forward the information to the hotel in Arizona. I'll be there tomorrow." Danny brought his head to his hand as he felt the room start to move out from under him. He blinked his eyes and he was gone, but he remembered that feeling. The pit of his stomach felt different and suddenly his head felt heavy. The floor seemed a million miles away as the room looked as if he needed glasses. It was blurry and he took a step trying to regain his balance.
"Danny?" Maisy's voice could be heard on the other side of the phone, but didn't answer, or couldn't. Danny's head felt heavy and he could hardly mutter Maisy's name as his body felt like a led balloon on a roller coaster. Something was wrong. It only took a matter of minutes, but something was wrong. He tried to pull himself up, but nothing could stop his body from crashing.
I can pack myself up in a matter of minutes,
Leave you all far behind
All of my old world and all the things in it are hard to find
If they ever were mine
"He never checked in? But he…yes, noo. Thank you." CJ hung up the phone and brought it to her chest. Something didn't seem right.
You've been trying
And I know it's been hard
And I'm afraid of
All this blood in my heart
Danny's body felt limp as he lost his legs and the ground came closer and closer.
If there's one thing certain
It's there ain't nothing for sure
And I want to run
But I can't do that anymore
CJ took a step and her stomach jerked, causing her phone to fall to the ground.
Danny's phone fell out of his hand and hit the ground before he did. He lay motionless as his eyelids slowly fell no matter how much he fought it until he was barely conscious.
I can't meet you half way
And I can't have it my way
And I can't give up without a fight
I can pack myself up in a matter of minutes,
Leave you all far behind
And all of my old world and all the things in it are hard to find
All of my old world and all the things in it are hard to find
Like they ever were mine
"Danny? Danny?" He could hear Maisy's voice, but there was nothing he could do about it.
"Danny? Danny?" He heard the voice, the female voice say again. "Danny, can you hear me?" The female voice asked again. He couldn't make out the voice. "Was it CJ?" he thought for a moment as it faded in and out. "Danny, can you hear me?"
I could count the good times we had
On one hand
All the rest was
A sort of means to the end
Well not it's done
And I can never
Go back to where I was before
And I wanna run...
Danny's groggy voice spurted as he opened his eyes to see a large bright light. He heard the sound of wheels and noises and people. "Where am I?" he muttered.
"Danny, you're at the hospital. You passed out. Now I need you to stay with me if you can." Danny could feel himself being carried down the hallway on a guerny, but he still was unable to fully absorb his surroundings. "Listen to my voice, Danny." The doctor spoke at a breakneck speed. "You're okay, for now—you just need to answer some of my questions, okay? Are you a diabetic, Danny?"
"He doesn't have an arm bracelet." He heard a young man's voice say, but Danny still couldn't see all that was going on. His eyes didn't want to stay open.
"Danny?" The doctor asked again and Danny shook his head no. Danny went in and out of consciousness, only hearing bits of what the people where saying. He felt his eyes being opened and a light shone in them. Slowly he drifted back out of consciousness.
I can get myself clean in a matter of minutes
And get it wrong every time
All of my whole world and all the things in it are hard to, hard to find
Everything change in a matter of minutes
And nothing was saved in time
All of my old world and all the things in it are hard to find
But they never
never
never
were mine
Shawn Colvin "In a Matter of Minutes
To be continued….