On The Road With Danny Concannon: Not in California & Not in Florida.
Fear & Loathing Near the Campaign Trail '05
Episode: La Palaba & Ninety Miles Away
Oh, take your time, don't live too fast
Troubles will come and they will pass
Go find a woman and you'll find love
And don't forget, son, there is someone up above
And be a simple kind of man
Oh, be something you love and understand
Baby, be a simple kind of man
Oh, won't you do this for me, son, if you can
—Simple Man Lynyrd Skynrd
Danny stood at the small train stop in the middle of nowhere, in the middle of his life and in the middle of being in his own world. He felt calm for the first time, tired, but calm. For the first time in a long time, for the first time in his life, Danny wasn't rushing to get anywhere. He wasn't rushing to the next stop, moving forward toward the next story or pushing himself toward the brink; Danny was just going along for the ride.
The train pulled into the stop. The sound of the train breaks cut through the just about sunset sky. Danny stood in front of the door as the conductor stepped off one of the Amtrak steps and yelled something about the stop Danny didn't quite hear. Danny looked down at his wrist and noticed he was wearing his hospital armband. He took out his key ring and with a slip of his pocketknife cut the band.
Danny stepped onto the train just as it lifted its breaks and started in an easterly direction.
Danny sat down in a seat near the window. He would only be on the train for a day before he changed to another train and got a cabin car. Danny watched the outdoors roll past like a massage for his eyes. He hadn't been on a train since one of his trips to Europe last year, but the doctor in the hospital had asked him:
"Find a way to travel back home that relaxes you. Do something that takes your mind off work."
Danny watched the window filled with yellows and pale greens as they whizzed past faster and faster until it looked more like a Seurat painting done by Van Gogh and it slowly rocked him to sleep.
Danny slowly felt his body waking up and that taste in his mouth was a familiar one. He opened his eyes for a moment forgetting where he was as he soon figured out what had awoke him was the vibrating of his phone from the inside his pocket. Danny looked at the display and answered it with a grumble.
"Yeah."
"So, I'm watching All The President's Men?" sang Maisy's voice over the receiver.
"I'm sorry?"
"I'm watching the movie All The President's Men—the movie."
"You're calling me 'cause you're watching All The President's men?" He ran his hand over his face and beard as he slowly woke up.
"Did I wake you?"
"Yes." He stressed in his nasal tones. "Cause it's not like I need it."
"Sorry—so anyway, I'm watching the movie—I really like it."
'That's great." Danny's voice was still groggy.
"So, let me get this straight---Robert Redford is playing Mr. Woodward—"
"Yeah."
"And Dustin Hoffman is playing Mr. Bernstein."
"Yeah."
"It's a good movie."
"Is that why you called?"
"No, I wanted to see how you were doing?"
"I'm fine Maisy—stop asking."
"Marshall put that new guy on California. He still says you can do Florida if you want?"
"Yeah, we talked. I got it covered."
"You going to Florida?"
"We'll see."
"So where are you?
"I'm on my way home."
"What do I tell people?"
"You tell them I'm not in—that's it."
"Danny."
"Maisy."
"Fine. Looks like I have nothing to do."
"Bye, Maisy."
Danny tried to go back to sleep, by leaning his head against the window when he felt his phone again. Danny looked at the display and answered the phone, knowing full well who it was.
"Yesss." He said with a laugh in his voice.
"So Robert Redford was Mr. Woodward?
"Yeah"
"And Dustin Hoffman was Mr. Bernstein?"
"Didn't it say?"
"So who would be you in the movie?
"There's goin' to be a movie?"
"There's always a movie."
"I see, I always---"
"I think I like that girl from the Gilmore girls---you watch the Gilmore Girls?"
"Unlike you, I have no time for television."
"Or Sandra Oh although not age appropriate or Marsha Gay Harden."
"Marsha Gay Harden—she doesn't even look like you?"
"But I like Marsha Gay Harden—So who do you think for you? Come on?"
"I really don't know."
"For CJ I was thinking—
"CJ's in this movie?"
"If it involves you she's always around—"
Danny nodded his sleepy head as if to say "Well, can't get around that."
"---kind of like she's the star and you're the guest star—whenever you're around she is---and not the other way around."
"Maisy---"
"So right now my choices are Sigourney Weaver and Joan Allen, 'cause of the height thing."
"I got that."
"Have you seen The Upside of Anger, Joan Allen is so good. It's making me lean more toward her. For you I'm really stuck---maybe Redford---but he'd have to dye his hair, Or ohhh—ohh that guy from that show—Anthony Lapaglia. His American accents are amazing. I really bet he could do you so well."
"Maisy, do you have any free time to work for me?"
"If I had more to do, entertainment wouldn't be such a main part of my life. Ohh speaking of entertaining facts, I read somewhere that Utah is the best place to go to die—isn't that the funniest thing to print in the paper?"
"Maisy, Maisy." He tried to get her attention and she finally stopped.
"Yeah?"
"Can you do me a favor?"
"Sure?"
Danny cleared his throat before speaking.
"Go to Utah." Danny hung up his phone and laughed at himself, but before Danny could even put the phone back in his bag, it rang again.
"Maisy, please." He laughed.
"I just want to be sure you're okay."
"You're calling to see if I'm okay?"
"Yes."
"Again?"
"Yes. I just---"
"Okay ---the fact that I collapsed from exhaustion, which by the way is lack of sleep, and your cure for that is to keep calling me and keeping me from sleeping---"
"Ohh, ohh sorry. Sorry. I'm going. Sorry." She hung up and Danny couldn't help but laugh. The phone rang again and Danny reached for the phone and looked at the display. He chose not to answer it and turned his phone on silent. The screen display lit as it blinked and silently "rang."
Two weeks before
Danny's phone sat on his night stand as he stood before his hospital bed buttoning his shirt and getting himself ready to finally leave the hospital. The light on his phone flashed and Danny happened to catch it out of the corner of his eye.
"Hey." Danny answered and held the phone between his ear and his shoulder as he buttoned the cuff on his sleeves.
"You in California?" CJ sounded as if she was doing something else at the same time.
"Ohh…" Danny looked over at the television behind him and the primaries coverage.
"Yeah…taking some down time what's up?"
"Nothing….I just..."
"Checking up on me."
"Noooo. I just. There's a rumor…..were you in the hospital?"
"Me….no." Danny finished his other cuff and was now free to take the phone from his ear. "Who told you that?"
"I don't know…I just heard it somewhere…"
"On the grapevine?" Danny took his over night bag and threw it on his shoulder.
"Something like that."
"I didn't see you in the Post today."
"You are keeping tabs on me."
"I just…"
"I'm touched… I am." He took his jacket and placed it over his arm.
"I said I'd call…"
"And here you did." Danny said goodbye to one of the nurses and walked out of the room.
"You make this so difficult."
"I didn't ask you to call me—I didn't ask you to ask me what I'm writing about—which I think is really the true reason for your call—and has nothing to do with my scintillating conversation skills. I've said it once and I'll say it again—I have marvelous conversational skills."
"Danny." Danny heard his name.
"Hold on." Danny said into the phone and placed his hand over the receiver. "Yeah." He spoke to a woman behind him.
"I just need you to sign some papers." The nurse said in a sweet voice.
"Yeah sure." Danny placed his phone on the corner and smiled at the woman behind the counter. She smiled back while Danny quickly looked over the papers and signed his name to the bottom. "Here ya go." He handed them back. "Thanks."
"I still get off in an hour if you want to reconsider that drink—"
"You know if this was another life I might. But thank you. Really. You do an old man's ego good."
"I don't think you're old." She leaned in and whispered. Danny smiled and raised his eyebrows, grabbed the phone and waved goodbye. He was feeling good.
"You can't keep me on hold." CJ said as Danny returned to the phone.
"Sorry, I had to sign out."
"Sign out?"
"Ahhh..." Danny looked around as if he was looking for an answer. "Of the hotel—I had to sign out of the hotel."
"You're leaving?"
"Santos won."
"That's a story."
"Yes, it is." He said smiling.
"Danny?" There was a small silence as Danny walked out the doors of the hospital into the cool outside air. "Danny?"
"Yeah." Danny set his bag on the ground and looked around for his cab.
"I just figured you'd be shadowing Josh on this one—" She said with a questioning laugh.
"Let's just say I have more important things on my mind." Danny stared at his train ticket.
Back in the present, Danny walked into the train terminal and dropped his bag next to him with a huff. Maybe this trip wasn't as relaxing as he thought. Not a moment later Danny saw the next trains settle in, or maybe had he just closed his eyes for a moment. He looked at his phone to see what the time was. Funny thing was he saw what time it was, but realized he had no idea what time it had been before, therefore having no inkling as to the passage of time. Maybe this meant he was really relaxing. Danny reached his hand, with his phone, into his pocket, when the phone started to ring and he pulled the phone back toward his eyes. She was calling again. Danny stood up as the train going in the opposite direction grated on the tracks and rang its bell. It reminded him of where he had been only a week or so ago.
A WEEK AND A HALF AGO
Danny sat himself down in his own little cabin on the train. He was on his final leg toward home. He took off his sunglasses and took a look out the window, watching the sun hit the greens and yellows of the grass and houses outside the window. His phone rang and Danny smiled as he picked it up.
"We have to stop meeting like this." Danny joked while he squinted to see a little more out the window before throwing his glasses back over his eyes.
"You're not in the Post today, I looked."
"Today, tomorrow—whatever." He threw himself back-first onto the seat.
"You said you were still posting."
"I'm taking a rest."
"A rest?"
"A rest—leaving things up to the young folks."
"You're not old... if you're old I'm….."
"See, you see that---that right there….I'm not gonna touch it—not with a ten foot pole."
"Anything else?"
"Ahh… you called me."
"Right, right."
"Why are you calling me?"
"You're bugging me."
"I am not." He laughed.
"You are and I'm calling you to tell you to stop bugging me."
"Okay?" Danny let out a small laugh and ran his hand over his beard. "You're calling me to tell me to stop bugging you—on the phone I assume—but you're the one calling me?"
"Yes, well, yes….." She paused. "I just thought…..never mind."
"I thought this was us reconnecting—"
"Yeahhhh." She whined.
"With you and me I guess it's not so easy…" He let out a breath.
"I don't want us to lose touch, I don't."
"But, you don't have time for me."
"You have to make everything so harsh."
"But, you don't have time."
"No. No. I don't." She let out. "I want to. I just."
"You're the one calling me."
"I can't sleep."
"You can't sleep?"
"Yeah…"
"You're calling me."
"It would seem so."
"Another conundrum."
"Ohhh, someone's been studying big words."
"Well, you know. I try to learn at least one new word a week."
"Yeah…. I saw in last week's edition you actually used the word 'forage' in a sentence."
"You caught me on a good day." He paused. "Yesterday I actually used 'conjecture' in a sentence. It was a good day—prime really. I'm thinking of trying to see if I can use 'harmonious' tomorrow, maybe shoot for an adverb or two—play a good game a mad-libs, see if I can constructively use a homonym and a simile in a single sentence. I've got a few ideas in the hopper."
"I see you've learned a lot ---whom ever did you learn this from."
"Ahhh, nice…I see I'm not the only one's who's learned something… but if you think I learned a lot 'cause I know what an adverb is—you must not be using those masters degrees to the best of your ability."
"Well, it wasn't such good school."
"Yeah, that Berkley. I wouldn't send my kids there, but then again it ain't no Notre Dame." Danny laughed and soon Danny noticed CJ had become quiet all of a sudden. "CJ?"
"Danny?"
"Yeah."
"You ever really think about it?"
"About what?"
"Kids."
She paused and Danny didn't know what to say. He was taken off guard. His mouth stayed open for a few moments.
"Do you think about having kids? I mean in general. Not with anyone partic----I was just wondering. I mean fitting kids into lives like ours—people like us."
"Ahh, sure. You're asking me if I want kids…..yeah."
"But do you think about----I mean, time—it's going on and…"
"You're asking me if I want kids?" Danny seemed a little hesitant, afraid of where this could go. He leaned back in his seat into the half shadows of his cabin.
CJ was about to abort the mission, not knowing where the conversation had started to veer, when Danny spoke up.
"Yes," he said softly and with a sense of history behind his words. "I'd like kids, sure." He seemed very calm. "But I'd rather find a woman to love—a woman to love me, first." He paused again. "I'd like that. And work from there."
"You'd let the moment pass you by---waiting for something…"
"Listen, CJ." He leaned forward. "I just wanna be a decent guy. That's all I want. I wanna do right ---by my estimation and if not by someone else's, so be it. I go by my own consciousness- my own rules and I hope for the best. I wanna be there for my friends when they need me—I wanna do what's right and do right by the people I care about. Even if I have to walk that line to do it. A decent life, CJ. That's all I want. I wanna do my job, tell the facts, and not have a guilty conscious doin' it. And so far I have that. If that means a family, great—but I've learned something lately." He paused and took a breath. "Life doesn't let you make plans and you can't make it let you make them. You have to live your life to the best of your ability—by your own set of rules and hope for the best. I can't make promises, but I keep my word. So yeah. I'd like a family, I'd like kids, but if I just live my love –my life—live my life with a sense of purpose to it. Not just do things to do them. I…I… I" He paused. "I'm fine with just love. And the rest can follow." He paused. "Do you get what I mean?"
"Yeah, yeah, I do. . . Can I call you again?" She asked.
"I thought you didn't have time to talk to me."
"When I have time."
"I don't know, maybe you're right. This shouldn't become a habit."
"It won't."
FOUR DAYS AGO
"What are you afraid of?" CJ asked, throwing the conversation back to him after an hour of keeping the volley. Danny sat on his hotel bed looking up at the ceiling.
"I'm afraid of fear." Danny answered without a hesitation.
"Fear? You're afraid of fear?"
"Fear—fear of hitting the wall---not being able to do my job—fear of fear."
"Fear and loathing on the campaign trail, huh?"
"It's not just for politicians anymore . . . What do you fear?" Danny asked.
"Everything and nothing."
"That's not an answer."
"I don't."
"I told. Now your turn." He waited for her answer. "It's only fair."
"Its time you've learned life isn't fair."
"Yeah, I think I've heard that somewhere."
"Haven't we had this discussion, before?"
"Maybe?" He said in his joking tones. "Humor me. I don't remember."
"Which is it?"
"I open my heart and you--"
"My father." She interrupted him.
"Oh, CJ, I'm sorry. I …:"
"No, no, it's okay." She paused. "I fear losing my father and strange enough I don't fear losing him the most—isn't that terrible?" She took a breath. He's been gone for so long now, I fear losing myself, isn't that crazy? And then I feel guilty for feeling that, but I do. I fear completely losing all contact with who I was and who I am—like it'd be the last thread that severs me from….well you know--my past I guess. And still, even though he hasn't been himself in a long time I fear-- fear losing him. I fear being alone, I fear being with others sometimes. I fear losing a friend or someone close to me, or someone close to someone else, I fear making a mistake that affects people's lives. I fear making a mistake in public. I fear my fear will be seen in public. I fear crying in public. I fear being considered weak because I'm a woman in a man's world. I fear I'll be seen as a woman in a man's world and I fear being seen as a man in a man's world and not a woman in my own. I…I…I… fear letting down my friends, I fear letting down the President and the country. I fear not finding love, not walking a straight line. And then I take a breath, wonder if I got enough sleep and I go to work." She took a pause. "You don't have fear, you're not human, Danny." She took a gulp. "Fear is want—fear is wanting to succeed. That's what I think. It's what keeps me curious and keeps me going forward. I'm okay with fear." She ran her hand through her hair and away from her face as she sat in her own chair in her own living room, looking out her own window. "I fear everything and nothing."
"You take a deep breath?"
"And remember I'm human." She said wistfully.
"Yeah."
"I fear everything and I fear nothing."
"See, you wanna help so much. You can't save the world, CJ. No matter how hard you try. You're so strong, I wish you'd just believe it all the time.
"I do." She paused. "But if you were in that room you'd feel it to." She paused. "You'd feel that fear. It doesn't make me a weaker person. It's just there."
"I'm not saying."
"I know you're not."
"Good."
"We can change the world, Danny."
"We can try." He smiled.
"I guess that's why we're so alike."
Danny's face turned from his smile and he felt a lump in his throat.
"I don't think we should do this anymore." Danny's voice cracked.
"What? Free therapy?" CJ laughed.
"Calling me."
"Oh."
"Not as much."
"Sure."
"I just…I have to get going."
"Of course."
"Just not as much."
"Of course. We can't make this a habit. Because…"
"I have to go, CJ."
"Yeah."
And they both hung up their respective phones. Danny laid on the bed looking up at nothing and CJ looked out her window onto the last Washington snowfall.
PRESENTDanny sat at the small diner at a small table by the window. One more train ride and he'd be home, he was content to stop and have a nice cup of coffee and a slice of pie while he waited to be carried to his next destination. He made sure not to look at any notes he had in his pocket or organize his next story in his head, which meant all he seemed to do his entire trip was play out his last few weeks of calls with CJ and how it pained him to speak to her and pained him not to talk to her. She was doing it to him again and he had to find a way to find a safety zone between them. He felt half-way there, but he had to keep going on toward a healthier sky.
Danny took a fork full of apple pie when his phone rang. He looked down at the display and his face changed. She was calling again. Trying to avoid her calls for his entire second leg of his trip, he looked away from the display and tried to finish his pie. The phone kept ringing and Danny set his eyes again on the display. She'd just keep calling back and maybe this time it was important. She was calling for a reason. He made up all excuses as to why he should pick up the phone. Danny promised himself this would be the last time and then he picked up the phone.
"Hello, CJ." Danny spoke with a smile.
Danny knew he was just as much to blame for this as CJ was, but old habits die hard and he couldn't help himself.
Boy, don't you worry, you'll find yourself
Follow your heart and nothing else
And you can do this, oh baby, if you try
All that I want for you, my son, is to be satisfied
And be a simple kind of man
Oh, be something you love and understand
Baby, be a simple kind of man
Oh, won't you do this for me, son, if you can
—Simple Man Lynyrd Skynrd