Reaching Beyond the Green
Why is he so pissed at me?
He's trying so damn hard to act like he isn't; I know this is major. The more he plasters on that smile, the more trouble I'm in—something I've learned, and learned well, after living with the guy for over three years. And right now, driving along in this damn uncomfortable jeep with a monkey beside me, a trigger-happy, piece a shit monk sitting kiddy-corner, and a politely laughing, but actually 'I'd sooner rip your head off' driver in front of me…I'm not in the best of moods right now.
What have I done lately that might have set him off? The monkey and I haven't been fighting any more than usual. I haven't said anything to the monk that's any worse than what he says to me. 'Kai and I even got to room together a few towns back, which almost never happens when mister sutra-up-his-ass gets all pissy about sharing with me or Goku. So…why's he so mad?
When we arrive at the next town and discover there are only three rooms available I see my chance to sort this out. "Wanna forfeit a single and share with me, 'Kai?" I ask, slinking an arm over his shoulders. I try to ignore how he stiffens, but it hurts a little anyway. "I've got this bad crick in my back, and your hands are the only thing to make it better."
It is painfully obvious he does not want to give in to me. "I am sorry to hear about your discomfort, Gojyo, but I really could use some time alone tonight if you'd room with--"
"But I need you, 'Kai." I whine, dawning my most pitiful expression and releasing him only to work at my shoulders myself as if in great pain. "I'll even give you one back, huh? Then I swear, I'll be so quiet, you'd think you had the room all to yourself."
"I…suppose that would be all right then."
Too easy.
Sanzo and Goku have no complaints and are soon off since it is already pretty late and we ate provisions in the jeep. Doesn't keep Goku from streaming out 'harehetta' a few times anyway, but before I know it, I have Hakkai all to myself.
Getting him alone has been the easy part though. Now I have to figure out why he's angry without making things worse.
He seems so anxious to have the quiet time I promised that he soon has me face down on the bed, my shirt discarded, and is sitting on the edge, pressing deep into my shoulders and back.
Technically, I lied when I said I was in pain, but that doesn't mean my muscles weren't craving this. Hakkai's hands are magic. He has this little trick where he holds just a bit of ki in his fingertips as he massages, and damn could it make a guy forget he ever got a backrub from a woman.
"So…anything you wanna tell me?" I ask casually, after enough small talk and silence had passed between us while he continues digging out my knots. Since my face is pressed into the pillow, I can't see his expression, but I know him well enough to be able to figure out all I need just from the sound of his voice.
"About what?"
Nice try. "Whatever it is I've done. Coz if it can get you this pissed, I'm sure as hell sorry for it."
I can tell he tenses, even if the only contact I have with his body is the pressure of his hands. "I don't…know what you mean." he says.
"You really think you can swindle me, Hakkai?"
Silence. That line usually gets him to stop and think, whether I'm in the right about pushing things or not.
"Not only have I been on the receiving end of that shit-eating smile of yours, which I don't buy for a second, but you're digging into my back like you're trying to punish me for something. Least you can do is tell me what I'm being punished for."
Smooth. Truth is, he hasn't been pressing all that hard, but by the way he pulls away and returns to his work with much more sensitive care, I know I've gotten him to second guess himself.
He doesn't stop massaging when he speaks.
"I'm not mad at you, Gojyo. I have no…reason to be angry with you."
"Maybe not, but you are. Why?"
"…it…it's nothing."
"Hakkai…"
"It's nothing."
"You really gonna sit there and lie to my face?"
"I can't see your face, Gojyo."
"Smart-ass," I tell him, and suddenly I've flipped over, so fast his hands fall to land on my chest, knocking him a bit off balance so he has to brace himself against me. I look right into his emerald eyes. "What's wrong?"
He tries to pull up to avoid me, so I grab his wrists, trapping his hands on my chest. He looks startled and very uneasy.
He's hiding something from me, damn it, and I want to know what it is.
"Gojyo…please…"
"What's wrong, Hakkai?"
"It…it's foolish really…it's only…that…"
"That…"
"…that woman…"
"Woman?"
"…the half-breed woman."
I start. Her? He's mad at me because of…but…why?
I'm so confused my grip on his wrists loosens enough for him to pull away. He doesn't get up off the bed, but he turns facing the door so that his back is to me.
"Are you mad…because I slept with her?"
Hakkai gives no sign of acknowledgment, but his silence is answer enough.
Of course that's why he's mad. Hakkai hates me sleeping around. If he thinks I don't know that then he doesn't know me as well as…as well as I damn well know he does. It's never been a secret, but…why does he take it so personally? Is he just that sympathetic towards the women I leave behind?
"Look…I know you hate me stealing young girls' innocence and all, but…it was the first time in a long time, and…she wanted it just as much as I did, so…so it's not like I--"
"Gojyo, I have never doubted your…good nature." he cuts me off, still facing the door. "You are rather…charming, and have been known to talk even somewhat unwilling women into your bed, but…I know you are a good man who would never violate a woman's trust or her body. You love them too much for that."
Love them? I mean, yeah, I love a good woman, and her company, but…where the hell'd that come from?
"And…I know you have had little opportunity for pleasurable company on this journey, and…that…the half-breed woman you…encountered…reached an unfortunate end, which I am sorry for, but…but…"
But…
"…but when I realized you had stayed with her all night, when it had been so long since you last…I…I just…it just made me so angry." His voice is cracking. Is he…crying? "I'm sorry, if you'll excuse me a moment." he says quickly, suddenly standing and meaning to leave the room.
No way in hell am I gonna let him do that. I grab his shoulder, sitting up myself now, and pull him back to face me. I take him by surprise and he gasps, not wanting me to see…that there are tears in his eyes. Tears. He is crying. Why the fuck is he crying?
"Gojyo…please…" Again that same pleading, those emerald eyes begging me. But what do they want from me…?
I shift so that my legs are hanging off the bed and he is pulled almost close enough for his knees to hit mine. Reaching a hand up to his face I touch those tears in complete shock, pulling back wetness that makes absolutely no sense to me.
I have to figure this out now. He knows I can't stand to see someone cry…
"Hakkai…"
"Please…don't…"
"…why are you crying?"
"I…it doesn't…matter…can we…just….it's…nothing…I'm only…I…" He can't form a coherent sentence to save his life right now, and that alone unsettles me. Hakkai always knows what to say.
"Why are you crying?" I ask again, tugging on his arm for him to sit down next to me. He is willingly pulled along this time and sits to my right, stubborn tears managing to break free and leave little trails down his face.
He won't look at me. "Please…don't ask me…don't ask this of me…"
"Don't ask why you're crying? Why not? If I can help, you know I want to."
He flinches. Visibly flinches at my words. "I don't know if you can help this, Gojyo." he whispers, his voice softer than I could ever imagine making mine.
"Try me." After all, this is my best friend. I'd do anything. Anything.
Hakkai lifts his head and looks at me, tear-stained cheeks, glimmering emeralds and all. He just stares at me for so long, I wonder if he's ever going to say anything. And then he does. "Gojyo…" he says, so breathlessly. "…I…love you."
I must be a fool, because I don't get at first what he means. "Yeah, I love you, too." I say, reflexive. Of course I love him. I love the saru and monk, too, for fuck's sake, though you'll never hear me say it.
"No, Gojyo." he replies, having apparently expected my response and my misunderstanding. That sad, too-painful-to-look-at smile slips into his expression. "I love you."
It still takes me a moment to really get it, to really understand the weight of what he is telling me. When it finally clicks, when those words finally click…I'd swear every muscle in my neck must have gone into spasm.
Shit.
A/N: I probably had everyone thinking there was a new Even Easy chapter. Sorry. This isn't knew, something I've just had sitting on my computer for a year. It actually ended with the I love you, but...I've written a little more. I still wanted to leave it here though. It was meant to be a one shot, but...two shots aren't bad, huh? Anyway, yeah, this happens soon after the encounter Gojyo has with a hanyou woman in Gunlock. I actually stopped watching the series after that episode for...a good month or more. I can't describe how much it tore at me and shredded everything I had ever loved about Saiyuki. The very idea of Gojyo actually having sex. It's one of the many reason I don't care for Gunlock. So...this fic was born to deal with my pain. Hope its okay. Let me know if I should write the second half. Thanks all.
Crim