continued…

I love you.

"You…you mean…?" I can't even finish the question. I'm such a fucking coward.

"Yes, Gojyo. I mean it in every sense of the phrase. The deeper sense. The…romantic sense I suppose you might say." He laughs a little, but I know the sound is forced, though whether it's for mine or his benefit, I'm not really sure. "Gojyo…" he goes on, no longer looking at me. "…please don't…think this needs to change anything between us. My anger really is unjustified. You knew nothing of my feelings. You owe me nothing. It's selfish really. Silly. Stupid…"

You'd think it would upset me that he's saying loving me is silly and stupid, but I know better. I know he's only adding all this shit to make it easier on me. Damn martyr that he is, he'd probably tear his good eye out and hand it over with a smile if it would help me see better.

I barely know how to listen anymore, but he's still talking. "It was especially foolish how I allowed my anger to transfer to such deplorable behavior towards you." He says. "I would never want anything to injure our friendship, Gojyo. I hope you know that."

I'd know that more if you could bring yourself to look at me again. That's what I'm thinking right now, but I don't say it. I don't really know what I'm supposed to say right now. I'm so…shocked. Shit, shocked isn't even close to what I'm feeling. I mean, this is Hakkai, my best friend in the world, the guy I've lived with for years now, and…and he's…in…in…

Shit.

I know I gotta say something. If I don't he's gonna think I'm mad, or scared, or freaked. Maybe I'm a little of all those things, but I definitely don't want him thinking I hate him. And knowing Hakkai that's probably exactly what he's gonna start thinking, so…so I gotta say something.

But what do you say to something like this? I mean…do I even know how I feel about hearing him say all that? To tell you the truth, I don't think I do. I don't know how I feel at all. I said it once before, said it right to Hakkai even; what the hell do I know about love. I don't know shit about it. In my whole damn life…I don't think anyone's ever loved me. Jien…maybe. But brothers never come right out and say those things, ya know. Mom sure as hell never said it. Some of those women I've been with…yeah, they've said it, but I never take it seriously. Everyone loves you when you're sleeping with 'em. The human mind—youkai mind too, of course—doesn't know any better.

"…if I found another room."

Huh? I must have faded out there coz I have no idea what Hakkai's saying anymore. "What?" Yeah, not terribly eloquent, but…I'm still a little shaken up here. Gimme a break. "What did you say?"

He's still not looking at me, but he seems calmer, probably because he's made peace with this, thinking at least he finally told me and trying to tell himself its okay I don't feel the same. Told ya he was a martyr, and quick to take up his cross too. Sweet, wonderful bastard.

I wish he wasn't so damn quick to play wounded, coz I'm sorry if I'm moving a little slow here but I'm still recovering.

"Gojyo…considering…everything…perhaps it would be best if I found another room tonight." He says, even though I kinda figured that's what he had said before, but I still can't believe it. I must be king of fuckups to have him actually sounding pitiful. He looks so damn…deflated, and he's trying so hard to hide it.

Did I mention how much I hate it when he tries to swindle me? "What do ya need to do that for?" I bark back, irritated at myself, though I probably sound pissed at him. "There's two beds in here, two of us, and unless you wanna sleep on Buddha-boy's floor, there aren't any other rooms. You don't need to go anywhere."

"If…that is what you want." Again, there's that damn fake smile of his. "Now, Gojyo, if it's quite all right, I think I'd like to retire then. It's been such a long--" He tries to get up and walk away from me again. No way. I grab hold of his arm, keeping him from going anywhere.

"Did I say we were done talking?" I probably sound pretty harsh, huh? Well, I'd do something about that if I knew how right now. "Damn it, Hakkai, you think you can tell me this and just go to bed like it's nothing? You just told me you fucking love me. Shit. What am I supposed to…I mean…how do I…what can I…damn it!" Hey, I never said I was good with words. That's supposed to be his job.

I'm feeling pretty freaked right now, I admit it, but I am not gonna let that keep me from being able to look my friend in the eye. I still got a grip on his arm, so he's not going anywhere, and though I can tell he's having a hard time with it, he's finally looking back at me.

Suddenly, I'm feeling really lousy. He looks so…accommodating, like he'll accept anything I say or throw at him with the kindest smile and loads of understanding. But for fuck's sake, this has gotta be driving him crazy too. I'm not exactly being tactful with all this.

I ramble for a few minutes more, and almost nothing of any real sense comes out of it. Hakkai, patient guy he is, waits till I finally force myself to stop, looking back at me but looking somewhere between sympathy for me and self-pity. I don't think I've ever seen a look on his face I hated more. Probably because…I know this one is all my fault, and it has nothing to do with a real smile. I'd do almost anything to get a real smile out of this man. Though I gotta say, heading down this whole 'love' path was never on my agenda.

I gotta ask. "Shit, Hakkai, how…how long has this been going on?" I finally manage to spit out, maybe a little calmer, but not much. "How long have I known you and you've never…I mean not even a little…I just…damn."

He laughs. It sounds like real amusement but I can tell it's still forced. "Don't worry, Gojyo. I haven't been harboring an infatuation with you all these years. It is a…recent development. Well…" he looks down, like he's second guessing himself. "…maybe not entirely recent. Perhaps it has existed for some time, buried deep where I didn't have to think about it, but…I suppose it has only come to my attention since…since…"

"Since her?" I finish, figuring this is hard enough on him without making him say all that shit again. He just nods, his eyes looking at his hands now. I almost forgot I was still gripping his arm so I let it go, hoping I hadn't been holding too tight.

I know the spotlight's on me here, okay, I know that. I'm the one who has to make the next move, whether it's to tell him we're just gonna have to forget about this so we can keep being friends like we have been or…

Or…

Fuck. How the hell do I deal with that or?

"Really, Gojyo, this doesn't have to change anything, so please don't think that way." He says, still looking at his hands. His damn, gorgeous hands. I hate when he stares at them the way he is right now, coz I know what he's thinking while he's doing it. He's thinking about her. The other her. The her that was between us long before I got a woman into my bed again. I know for sure what that self-hating mind of his is thinking when he looks up at me and says, "Gojyo, I…I couldn't bear to…lose you too."

Now I really feel like an ass. "Who said anything about losing me? I'm sitting right here. Does it look like I'm going anywhere?"

His lips twitch, like maybe he wants to give a real smile but isn't quite sure how to do it yet. "Thank you, Gojyo. Sometimes I think…I really don't deserve your friendship." He says, and he keeps talking so I can't break in and say how stupid he is for thinking that way. "But please, I mean it when I say this doesn't have to change anything. It is something I must deal with. I know…I know, Gojyo, that…you could never share my affections, and I would never ask you to. So…please…"

Please leave it alone. Please forget any of this ever happened. That's what he's saying, I know that. I'm not stupid. Not all the time. I know I've been a complete idiot over this. I mean, shit, Hakkai's in love with me. I meet a great girl, a hanyou even, who's beautiful and damn, I'll say it, great in bed, and…and then like always I lose her. I was the stupid one who couldn't get to her fast enough and save her. So here I am pining over this, trying to forget it and think of the part where hey, at least I finally got laid, and…and my best friend is pining too. Pining over me. Mad at me because I slept with this chick and not…

…him.

Whoa. That thought just brought me back to square one. Not like my mind wasn't on reset already, but…damn. Sure, I get what it means when Hakkai says 'I love you' and that he means the romantic, more than friendship kind of love, but…but damn. Thinking of him thinking about me like that. It's too weird.

"Kai…this…I don't know what I'm supposed to do with this, but even if you don't wanna hear it…I'm sorry but I can't let this go." I'm sitting with my arms on my knees now, leaning as close to him as I dare. He's looking at me, but something in his eyes makes me wonder just how close he is to crying again. "I can't pretend you didn't just tell me you love me." I say. "I can't go on like everything's normal when it's not."

"Ah. I thought as much." And I really wonder if his eyes glittering the way they are means I've just made things a million times worse. "My temper is such a burden. If I hadn't allowed my emotions over your affair to get the best of me, we wouldn't even be discussing this."

Okay, I'm worried now. Hakkai loves to play martyr, but he should know better than to think I'm going to let him. "Don't do that. Don't act like it would have been better for you to keep this to yourself just to make it easier on me."

"I hate to contradict you, Gojyo, but I think it may have made things easier on me as well."

"Maybe. But you would have been lying to both of us. You know I only like that smile when it's real." I try to muster a smile of my own to show I'm not as weirded out as I…well, as I am. I don't think he buys it, and really, I should know better than to try and swindle the master.

I fall silent. What else can I say? I don't have any answer to this and I don't know what his feeling this way makes me feel, so…so I just stop talking. After we've been sitting there in awful quiet for what feels like the whole damn night, Hakkai gets up, eyeing me the whole time like he's waiting for me to stop him.

I'm such a fucking idiot. Coz I don't.

By the time he comes back from the bathroom—at least, I think that's where he went, and he was gone a long time—I've got my shirt off and my headband tossed somewhere, so I'm basically ready for bed. But I'm not lying down. I'm still sitting where he left me, like I just magically dressed for bed without ever rising or pacing the room, even though I did.

He smiles at me, just his usual greeting, and doesn't keep eye contact long. I can tell he's washed his face and all that, and I have to wonder…mainly coz his eyes look a little puffy even if they are dry…if maybe he washed it just to get rid of all the tears he shed.

Damn it. I can't stand the thought of making him cry, of him sitting in the bathroom balling over me. It's so…wrong. This is Hakkai. Hakkai doesn't cry. Hakkai's a pillar of…something, something strong enough not to break down. Stronger than…all the rest of us, anyway. And me, stupid, selfish me made him lose it.

I think he must be kicking himself for not taking his bedclothes with him when he left before, coz now he has to change in front of me and he looks a lot tenser than usual while doing that. Maybe he can feel me watching him. Maybe he doesn't like feeling so vulnerable when he already bared his heart to me and watched me take a knife to it. I barely said anything, not anything constructive, and he said 'I love you.' I'm such an ass.

I try to say something when he heads over to his bed, wearing his dark nightshirt now and free of his headband too. I watch him set his monocle on the nightstand between us, but I still can't get myself to speak. This silence between us hurts so much. We've never not known what to say to each other, even when all we were saying was bullshit.

"Goodnight then…Gojyo." He says, so quietly I almost think I'm imagining it. He turns off the lamp on the nightstand, crawls into his bed, and turns away from me to face the other side of the room.

For a long time I don't move at all. I just sit there in the dark, staring at his back, knowing I'm being a complete idiot but having no idea what I can do to fix things. How can I leave things like this? How can he? Okay, I get his reasons, but I am not this much of a coward. This is stupid.

Getting up from the bed, I find my way through the dark from my bed over to his and sit down on the edge. There's no way he's sleeping so I know he knows I'm here, but he doesn't say anything at first. When all I do is sit there for a good five minutes, he turns to look at me finally, confused.

"Gojyo…?" he says, still lying down but at least turned to acknowledge I'm here.

I sigh. God, I must seem like such a fucking pansy. But I don't care. I could be about to screw things up even more, so I gotta take my time and make sure I know what I'm doing.

Well, I don't know what I'm doing, but I can fake it, right?

"Hakkai…I can't sleep."

"Gojyo…please, I know this is difficult…but--"

"Kiss me good night?" I blurt this out so quickly there's no way to take it back. Yeah, could be pretty stupid. No, probably is. But hey, the least I can do is test this out and see what comes of it. I owe him that much. I know this shouldn't be about obligation, but…I'm a little curious too. "Couldn't hurt to try, huh?" I add, and I don't have to fake my smile coz the way it's on my face right now isn't so bad really.

He doesn't move, just lies there staring at me. When he finally sits up, he's got that sensei look on his face like he's about to scold me for being childish. Can't allow that.

Oh, I'm scared shitless while I reach for him, grabbing the back of his neck so fast and pulling him close. He's got nowhere to go but right where I want him to. You can be sure there's enough butterflies raging in my gut to warrant serious concern, but…but if I don't do something we might stay stuck in this limbo of not being friends, not knowing what we are, and I don't think I could live with that.

I'll level with you here…I have kissed other guys before. I had my reasons. Mostly they were drunk off my ass reasons, but I stick by them. Still, experience doesn't mean shit when an act like this means something.

I feel like I'm kissing for the first time. Like I've never kissed anyone, male or female. I wonder if Hakkai's feeling the same for a maybe a split second before I totally get lost in how he's kissing me back.

Who'd have thought Hakkai's lips would be so soft.

The back of his neck under my fingers, the little hairs there right at the base, I realize I've never really touched him here before. When I put my arms around him, half-hug or just to get some basic contact like I need so often, I never touch his neck. Not like this. And…I kinda like it. I like how it feels with his head pulled close to mine and his lips soft on mine, and…whoa. I'm kissing Hakkai and I'm not just liking it. I fucking love it.

I figure my libido has pretty much taken over now. It does that on most occasions. We've only been kissing a few moments, but I don't want the contact to end. Gotta show him I'm really into it and not just pacifying him. So…I press my lips a little harder to his, enough so that when I start to open my mouth, his mouth follows. He must have been really wanting this, coz he brushes his tongue to mine long before I have the courage to.

Both of us are damn near passing out from shallow breaths by the time we stop. He's the one that pulls away first, which makes me smile. He started all this, in some ways, but here I am, not able to get enough.

Shit. I really liked that. I liked it and I never once forgot it was Hakkai kissing me while it was happening. Knowing it was Hakkai just made it better. Shit. What the hell do I do now?

"Forgive me, Gojyo. I shouldn't have lost myself so easily."

Wait. Is he talking? My mind's a little fuzzy.

"You…didn't have to do that. I'd hate to think you were merely…humoring me."

That sure clears my thoughts up. "Hey. Were you paying attention? I mean…holy shit, Hakkai. In case you couldn't tell, that was fucking incredible."

He really can't help that he laughs, and the relief on his face, the way the laugh fades into a smile, a real, genuine smile, makes every stupid thing I've said feel like poetry. I'd praise anything that got Hakkai to be Hakkai again.

"Listen…I don't…I don't know where we're supposed to go from here, but…that kiss wasn't anything close to a turnoff." I say, stumbling over my words a bit but needing to speak. "Maybe…maybe it's not so crazy, you and me. I feel a little crazy saying that, coz…coz we've been buds for years, but…but it's you, Hakkai. I didn't even know what love was til you."

Hakkai looks pretty shocked at hearing me say this, so I figure I better qualify a bit.

"I mean…well…I didn't think of it like this kind of love before, but…still. Loving you was easy. Way easy. Probably…loving you this new way…will be even easier."

"Gojyo?"

I smile, big and broad and totally real. Part of me feels a bit guilty for how easy this is. I mean, I'd never say that what I had with…with the woman that started this whole thing…was love. But whatever she did to me, she had me good. Now, a confession and one kiss later, I'm ready to switch teams? That's a big fat 'no,' I can tell you that. I could never like men over women.

Liking Hakkai over everyone else, though…that doesn't seem quite the same.

The way I feel about him, I realize…it kind of bypasses all that gender shit. If he was a woman, I'd love him the same. If he was a fucking puppy, I'd probably love him the same. I doubt I'd want to try the things I'm thinking about trying with him now, but…thankfully, Hakkai is not a puppy. He's a man. My best friend.

And a damn good kisser too.

"So I guess we're at the beginning now. But at least we got through the tough part, huh?"

"Do you think so?" he asks.

I keep my eyes on his face while I take one of his hands and let our fingers lace together. I've held Hakkai's hand before. Well…taken it. But this feels…nicer. "Yeah…I think the hard part was getting up the nerve to kiss you without freaking."

He laughs. "You did that well, I must say. You seemed perfectly confident."

"I can guarantee you I was two seconds from a heart attack. But it was worth it." It really was. "So…now what?" I hate to have to ask it, but I'm sure as hell thinking it. We've kissed, we're sitting on Hakkai's bed with tightly held hands, and…we're in love? Hmph. Maybe I won't go so far as to say that. Not yet.

"I think the best thing to do in this situation, Gojyo, is to go to bed. It would probably be best."

I know what Hakkai means, but I just gotta have a little fun with this. "Hakkai, you pervert. I never would have guessed you were so hard up. I must be a better kisser than I thought."

I don't think I've ever seen a blush spread faster. I'd apologize, but he should know by now I always gotta add a little humor. It keeps me grounded. Just like he does.

Hakkai's blush soon turns into a smile and then…another laugh. And I laugh with him. With him. But when I let my laughter fade off and lean in towards him again, he pushes me away.

"Gojyo, please, I…I did enjoy our kiss, but I don't think it's a good idea to--"

"I'm not going in for the kill here." I say, not wanting to get defensive about things. "I just wanted another kiss. A quick one. A real good night one. That's okay, isn't it?"

"I…I suppose so."

Damn, I can tell you it is hard to keep this second kiss quick. I'd love to dive in deep again, maybe even push him back onto the pillows a little…

Hooboy. I'm getting' hot under the collar over Hakkai and I've only spent five minutes feeling comfortable with this mess. I gotta get my hormones to calm down. They love being the ruin of me. Have since I was old enough to know what they were trying to tell me. Somehow, though, even with how new and different this is, how…crazy and surprising it is…I don't think my hormones are about to back off any time soon.

"You know…we never really finished that backrub, and I still have to give you one in return. It's only fair." I grin as I say this, keeping my lips real close to his even though our kiss ended up pretty chaste in the end.

Hakkai's blush is still there, making his pale skin look so rosy and flush. Why didn't I ever notice how pretty he was, or how…long his eyelashes look when he's got that half-lidded thing happening. Man. My thoughts sound like a girl with a crush. But this is a possibility, a mutual crush I guess you could call it. I'm at least curious, which is more than I was when we started this conversation. I actually think I want to give this a chance. And that's scary as hell.

Funny thing is, I don't mind the butterflies so much anymore.

"Gojyo…I think we better go to bed."

"You're probably right." He is. I know he is. I don't wanna screw this up by going too fast. It's all so new. If it really is something, I wanna savor it.

"In our separate beds, Gojyo." he adds, since I'm still sitting in bed with him, staring right back at him like I'm ready to set up camp.

I know I gotta move, and I do. We laugh a little, say our goodnights, and both crawl under the covers of our separate beds. But my head is swimming. Did all this really happen? Did Hakkai confess love, get me to ask for a kiss, and now…we're…considering? Who'd have ever thought?

For a while I can't sleep at all, and while I'm thinking about Hakkai I'm also thinking a bit about…her. It never would have worked. Even if she had lived we just would have had to say goodbye when the road West called me off into the sunset again. But…either way, I think it's for the best, and I don't regret having been with her. I needed it then. Besides, if not for her, maybe Hakkai never would have said anything. Maybe I never would have known and gotten this chance. It certainly makes it easier to be with someone when you see them everyday. I'm still scared, still…unsure. But I think maybe I can handle it.

At least now I know why Hakkai was so pissed at me. Still think I'll have to bring up finishing those backrubs though.

THE END

A/N: I have to go to bed. Was that any good? Thanks for the great response everyone!

Crimson