I tap my foot impatiently on the linoleum floor.

Oh, elevators.

I kind of hate them, to be honest. They just provide too many memories. Laughing with Derek. Kissing Derek. You're my boss, we really shouldn't be doing this… Trying not to kiss Derek while having awkward conversations. I'm over you. Holding onto my mother's jacket when I was five years old, following her around for surgeries when it was the sitter's rare day off. Mommy, when can I have a juice? And, you know, kissing Derek.

I'm grateful that this one is empty when the doors slide open. I press the button for the fourth floor and lean against the back wall, closing my eyes for a moment of peace.

Every time I close my eyes I see his face.

There have been so many times lately when we've had a moment. And usually those moments are in this very elevator. When he looks at me like that – it breaks my heart, but at the same time it's the only thing that keeps me going.

I'm pathetic.

I try to remember the last time I had a good night's sleep and honestly, I can't. Ever since… well, you know. This whole mess.

Actually, it's more than one mess. My entire life is a series of shambles right now.

I need tequila.

I watch the lights change as the doors swing open to pick up a passenger on the next floor. I find myself hoping against hope that it will be him, and at the same time praying it's not.

I look up slowly.

Of course, fate kicks Meredith Grey in the ass one more time. It's the one person in the world I would do anything not to be riding in an elevator alone with.

Addison pauses for a moment before stepping in beside me. She gives a small, almost imperceptible nod of greeting as she reaches over to push the button for the fifth floor.

She uses her left hand, and the glimmer of her fourth finger catches my eye. It makes my stomach clench immediately. Funny, how a tiny piece of jewelry can give you a reaction like that. Gold and diamonds, nothing more than metal to prove that she belongs to him… but god, that is a pretty nice rock.

I can't help thinking of Derek sliding it onto her finger eleven years ago, and I'm filled with resentment that she found him first.

The elevator seems to take forever to start creeping up again. The silence is absolutely deafening. I remember how I used to think being with Derek was the most awkward thing – now I know that being with his wife is far worse.

"How's your liver patient?" she asks finally, calmly. Her eyes stay glued on the door in front of us.

"He's doing okay. The transplant's scheduled for this afternoon." I hope I sound as cool and professional as she does. I can't help admiring the woman who has my McLife. She's an amazing doctor, much as it kills me to admit it. She's got legs for days, and she's… so. Freaking. Nice.

She absently runs a hand through her hair. I wonder, does Derek really like redheads? Should I die my hair?

Oh, good lord, now I'm being completely ridiculous. Obviously he didn't pick her for that.

"Meredith?"

"Yes?" I quickly snap out of my thoughts.

"Did this elevator really just stop moving?" Addison looks a little anxious.

Seriously. Seriously?