Xena inspired this chapter.
Lemme explain.
I couldn't think what to write. So I began to ask for help.
First I asked InuYasha. He told me to kill Naraku off. That was out- the whole story would be pointless- plus it wasn't funny. I asked Voldemort what to do. He said to kill InuYasha.
"That isn't funny, though!" I protested.
"I think it's hysterical." He said.
Finally, I asked Xena, Warrior Princess of Greece. She told me to ask Gabrielle (her sidekick, who is a bard). She gave me this chapter's idea, something she did one episode.
So, it's not all my idea.
Kagome joke:
Q: How do Kagome's brain cells die?
A: Alone
This is a VERY long chapter- two parts.
This chapter is a different kind of humor, too- try it out. You could say this chapter is playing on the 'general' side of the genre, I suppose.
The truth is, I'm kind of worried about this chapter. Well, if you really think it should get it's own fanfiction, and not be in this one, or if it just plain stinks, I will delete it. Fair enough? Good, now let's get going!
A Day In The Life Of Naraku
3
In Which Kagome Finds An Odd Piece Of PaperEris is the spirit of strife (in Greek mythology).
Eris is sinister and mean, and her greatest joy is to make trouble.
She had an apple of discord too- but that, my friend, is another story.
Why she picked Kagome- well, the ways of gods are mysterious. (Actually, I'm just too darn lazy to figure it out!) Perhaps she knew Kagome was a bit too stupid for her own good. (Sorry Kagome fans- it won't happen again! crosses fingers behind back)
No, don't worry, Naraku and Kagura DO show up. Muahahahaha! Sure, they aren't the stars this time… (Notices people getting up and walking away) but they DO play a part in this chapter! Trust me!
Actually, they don't show up till late in the chapter, but after that they show up more often, and also for the battle scene (wiggles eyes in a phony mysterious way, audience yawns).
!#$&!#$&+
Prologue
Eris looked angrily at the piece of notebook paper in her right hand. It was a homework assignment by a certain "Kagome Higurashi." Apparently it was a short story of some sort. A short story that had just ruined Eris' mood.
Being the spirit of strife, Eris had stolen the homework, so Kagome would have to do it ALL OVER AGAIN.
Now, Eris had heard of this half human InuYasha. And she knew he was nothing special. But the way this girl wrote it, he was some kind of saint! It was about how a village under attack had been saved by the heroic half demon InuYasha and his beautiful sidekick, Kagome. (Kagome had been very careful not to let InuYasha see the story, though. )
Eris didn't like having a mere half demon made out to be a god- and she didn't like all this embellishing either! For Eris herself had caused the strife in the village, and had watched InuYasha restore the peace.
Plus Kagome wasn't THAT beautiful!
"So what are you going to do about it?"
Eris looked around, and saw Ares (Greek god of war).
"Do? What can I do?" she snarled. "As long as that InuYasha keeps doing his little deeds-"
"Don't go blaming InuYasha. It's not his fault- it's the priestess and her busy pen, right?"
He walked over to her. They were in their temple, or Mount Olympus, or a condo, whatever you prefer.
"Yeah, I suppose so… hey!" She had just thought of something.
Evil grin
"I have a plan…"
!#$&!#$&+
Kagome was sitting on the edge of the well, what else, angry with poor InuYasha. Poor InuYasha, who was probably still spitting out dirt.
You're wondering what happened. It was probably something important, like InuYasha coughing up blood on her brand new coat. The nerve of him! Now she would have to wash it! InuYasha was only thinking about himself.
Or maybe he didn't like her food. Maybe instead of sushi he wanted Ramen.
Or maybe he insulted her. She had every right to call him rude for shoving her out of the way of that speeding bullet! Her skirt had gotten dirty, and the wound from the bullet on his arm stained her backpack. What a selfish turd that InuYasha was!
But I just got on the scene, I don't know.
ANYWAY
"Hello Kagome."
Kagome nearly fell into the well. She looked around, and saw a girl about her own age behind her. Brown eyes, white hair, brown kimono. Neither beautiful nor ugly, neither short nor tall, neither rich nor poor- very average, easy to overlook in a crowd. Well, a crowd of white-haired people.
"Who are you- and how did you know my name?"
"I was listening to you and that rude boy yelling. I know it's impolite, but I WAS ten feet away."
"Oh, sorry." Said a blushing Kagome. "I didn't realize we were that loud."
"I had a boyfriend like that once, too."
Kagome became redder. "He's not my boyfriend!"
"I didn't say he was." Said the girl. "My name's Eris."
"Hi." Said Kagome.
"What's his name?" asked Eris.
"Whose name?"
"The boy's."
"Oh, him." Said Kagome. "InuYasha." She spat out his name.
She stared at the well.
"And to think what I wrote about him-!"
"You wrote something about him?" said Eris curiously.
"Yeah, a story for school. He was the hero."
Eris smiled.
"Well, you know what you should do?"
"What?" asked Kagome.
"You should write a story with YOU as the hero- some fiction! I write stories when I'm upset- you might feel better."
"You know, I think I will try that!" Kagome gave Eris a smile.
"Well, I better be going." Said Eris. "Bye!"
"Bye!" shouted Kagome.
Thanks, Eris. Eris - what a name…Kagome headed back, and the group made camp.
(Kagome's supposed to be silly enough not to think anything of the strange meeting,)
Before she went to bed, Kagome pulled her trusty notebook out of her bag, along with a pen.
"Hmmm…" she muttered. Then she began to write and mumble. "InuYasha had gone fishing (a reasonably dull chore for him, the creep!). The rest of the gang, Sango, Miroku, Shippo, and Kirara, were at the next village, shopping. The lone warrior, Kagome, awoke with a jerk as five barbarian demons rode out of the woods. Wielding her trusty bow, she delivered arrows with such fury…" she looked up.
"This fiction stuff is fun!" then she lay down and went to sleep.
Unbeknownst to Kagome (but knownst to us), Eris was reading over her shoulder, invisible. She giggled at the sleeping girl, and pointed at the sheet of binder paper (ok, so I changed my mind), muttering under her breath. The she poofed away, an evil smile on her lips.
AllworkandnoplaymakesErisadullgodessKagome woke up suddenly to shouting and the neighing of horses.
"InuYasha! Wake up, we've got company! Sango! Miroku!"
Into the clearing burst 5 hairy men on horseback!
"INUYASHA!" Kagome ran forward, grabbing her bow and arrows as she went.
"YAAAH!" they shouted, and ran at her.
She slung her quiver of arrows across her back, yanked one out, and fired. She pulled out another, and another, and another, one after the other, firing until they were all gone.
They hit their mark- but the demons shrugged them off! (That's how she assumed they were demons.)
She looked franticly for another weapon- and saw Miroku's staff stuck in the ground. She back flipped over to it, yanked it up, and began whacking the barbarians with it.
"HEE-YAH! TAKE THAT!"
She whacked one demon on the side of the head, shoved the pointy end of the staff into another's stomach, and tripped up another. Then she began doing a bunch of way cool karate kicks. One in the face, a sidekick to the hip, etc.
Suddenly, out of a sleeping bundle she had assumed was InuYasha, KOGA zoomed up, drawing his… um…fist? But it had already ended.
The demon barbarians fell down and began crawling away.
"SHE'S TOO MUCH FOR US!"
"RUN!"
Kagome watched them leave, breathing hard, as they scrambled back onto their horses and galloped away.
"And don't come back!" shouted Koga after them.
"Did you see that?" shouted Kagome, exuberated from the fight, an astonished smile on her face. Then she frowned.
"Wait a minute- I've never done a back flip in my life! Where's InuYasha?" she looked at Koga. "And why are you here? Waaaait a minute!"
She picked up the paper from last night.
"The lone warrior Kagome… wielding her trusty bow…delivered arrows with such fury… kicked demons one by one with her feet of wrath- I wrote this!"
"Whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa!" said Koga, stepping in front of Kagome. "You're saying what ever you write on that paper comes true? Yeah right." He snorted.
Kagome threw her bow at him, which he caught, then began to write. Suddenly, Koga raised the bow and whacked himself in the head!
"Ow! Why'd I do that?" he asked in confusion, rubbing his head.
"Because I wrote you did!" said Kagome. She smiled.
"In my hands - I could change the world!"
+Change The World+
Kagome and Koga were walking towards the nearest village.
"So," said Koga, "how'd I get here? "Kagome appeared with a warrior with the heart of a lion," that sort of thing?" he looked at the paper.
"InuYasha had gone fie- fih-"
"Fishing." corrected Kagome.
"InuYasha had gone fishing… Miroku and Sango… Kagome awoke with a jerk." He looked up.
"Kagome awoke with a jerk. That's a funny phrase." He handed the paper to the blushing Kagome. "Well, I can't find anything, I must've come here on my own." He shrugged.
"So, what do we do now?"
Kagome smiled, and looked at the paper dreamily. "What WON'T we do?" she asked.
Just then two sad-looking priestesses walked by.
"Hi, is there something we can do to help you?" asked Kagome.
"Well, we're collecting things - to sell in town for our orphanage. If you have anything…" trailed the first priestess.
"Now THAT would fetch some yen!" said the second miko.
Miko is Japanese for priestess- and it's shorter to type!
She (the second miko) pointed to Koga's sword.
"This?" Koga looked at the sword. "Sorry, I can't give this away- it was the only thing my father ever gave to me. I could never part with it!"
The mikos' faces fell.
"Too bad." Said the first, "ceremonial weapons are a big seller on the market…"
"Well," started Kagome, pulling out her pen and paper, "I think you're going to get a surprise gift, right about…" she finished the sentence she was writing, "now!"
Suddenly a man walked up and handed the mikos a jewel encrusted sword!
"Here you go!" he said, and left. The mikos gasped.
"Oh, this will get loads for our orphanage!" exclaimed miko #2.
"Thank you!" said #1.
"Your very welcome!" said a beaming Kagome.
The mikos walked away, exclaiming at the beauty of the sword.
MEANWHILE
The dude who gave them the sword and walked away- what happened to him?
"GIVE ME BACK MY KINSMAN SWORD!" A very heavyweight warrior in much too much armor ran up to the dude.
"But I just gave it away!" said the dude, looking confused. "Why did I do that?"
"Well it doesn't really matter now, does it?" said the warrior, and began running after the poor dude, a knife in hand.
MEANWHILE
The five barbarian demons were riding way, when Eris appeared on a rock. She whistled, and the horses came to a stop, throwing the riders off. They (the demons, not the horses) stood up, grunting.
"Did the little schoolgirl scare the big hairy demon?" asked Eris in a baby voice.
"WE are BARBARIANS! We fear NOTHING!" grunted the leader, looking at his comrades and giving Eris a very black and decayed smile. "We fight with the heart of a lion!"
"And you run with the feet of a chicken!" she replied. "Now, get back on your horsies, and go after her!" She waved them off.
With a few grunted "yes ma'ams," they hopped onto their horses and galloped away.
BACK TO KAGOME AND KOGA
They were at an inn (Dirty Dick's Tavern).
"We don't have any money!" objected Koga.
"Don't worry," said a grinning and writing Kagome, "I have it covered!"
"How much will this meal be?" asked Kagome to the waiter/owner.
Suddenly, the waiter/owner smiled and said, "It's free! All of it! And the drinks are on the house!" then he walked away, looking confused.
"See?" said Kagome to Koga, "Everything is free, the drinks are on the-"
Just then, ale began pouring from the ceiling over the tables.
"I think I have to be a bit more careful with my wording." She said, as Koga positioned his mouth under one of the holes the ale was coming out of.
MEANWHILE WITH NARAKU
"I won't go until I'm sure InuYasha has left the valley."
"I'm giving you my word." Snarled Ares, god of war, to Naraku. "I've taken care of it- InuYasha is gone."
"Are you sure? I don't want InuYasha in my way. The other demons think they can take him- but he's foiled too many of my plans for me to risk it. "
"Don't worry- I'll give you the signal to attack, when I'm sure InuYasha is gone."
"What's the signal?" asked Naraku.
"You'll know when you see it!"
And with that Ares disappeared.
BACK WITH KAGOME AND KOGA WHERE IT'S RAINING ALE
People had put buckets under the fountains of ale, and every once in a while somebody would stick their cup under the spray. People were falling over drunk everywhere.
Eris was watching them, invisible.
"Well, time's a-wasting. Let's go, Koga, we have a lot of good to do!" said Kagome cheerfully.
As they got up (Koga with a belch), the owner/waiter came over to a customer.
"C'mon Wong, you've had enough!"
"Who are you to tell me I've had enough?" slurred Wong, and punched the owner/waiter.
"Y'know, there's always one drunk who spoils it." Said Kagome.
"ONE drunk?" asked Koga, as all over the bar people broke out into fights.
He shook his head at her. "Couldn't get any worse!"
"Well, this wasn't supposed to happen!" She said.
"WHERE ARE THEY?"
They turned around, and Koga's eyes widened. "It just got worse!"
Into the inn walked the five barbarian/demons.
Kagome grabbed Koga's arm.
"You think you can make fools of us?" growled the leader, baring his decayed teeth.
Think, Kagome, think…ah ha!"WE are BARBARIANS!"
Kagome began writing.
"We will…" the demon trailed off, looking perplexed. "…go west. Yes, we will go west!" he looked at his equally confused companions, and walked out. The other four followed.
They got on their horses and galloped away to the west.
"Whew!" said Kagome.
A woman looking out the window gasped.
"The barbarians are heading for the orphanage!" she shouted at Kagome.
Eris laughed.
"Uh, minor setback!" she began writing.
:0)
"WAIT! WE GO EAST!" shouted the befuddled leader to the others, and they began riding to the east.
:-l
"NOW THEY'RE HEADING FOR THE NEXT TOWN!" shouted the lady by the window.
"Uh, uh-" stammered the panicking Kagome, as Eris whooped with laughter.
"Uh, the barbarians… disappeared from the land!"
:0)
"WAIT! To the boats!" shouted the leader. "We will… become pirates, and kill all who sail the seas!"
sweatdrop, evil Eris laugh
"Uh, um, the barbarians went to the caves, and fell into a deep sleep!"
:0)
"WAIT! TO THE CAVES!" the leader yawned. "I'm exhausted!"
They galloped away.
:-l
"So this is all the good you wanted do, huh?" asked Koga.
"Forget it!" Kagome shoved the paper and pen into Koga's chest, angrily.
"I'm not writing another word!" she left the tavern.
"Yes!" said Eris, and vanished.
90PercentOfThePeopleWhoReadTheyCan'tLickTheirElbowTryAnyway
"I don't get it! My work is always very vivid! I guess all I need to do is be more careful with my words."
Kagome and Koga were walking down the street. Either nobody was there, or they were all like New Yorkers, nobody noticed what happened later.
Suddenly, a thought came to Kagome, and she grabbed Koga.
"Do you know what this means? With this scroll I can end disease, hunger…" she looked at him. "I can end war!" she turned Koga around, and used his back as a surface to write on the paper.
"The will of mortals won out and… war lost all its power!"
"AAAAAAAHHHHH!"
Suddenly, a man clad in leather fell out of the sky!
"My powers! What happened to my powers?" he leapt to his feet and glared a Kagome. "You! What have you done to me?"
"Who are you?" she asked, her voice squeaking in terror.
He straightened up. "Ares, god of war!"
sweatdrop
"Uh, uh, I can fix this!" she began to hurriedly write on the paper (she leaned it on Koga's shoulder).
"The force that… enchanted the scroll… lost its power!"
"AAAAAHHHH!" This time a blonde woman fell from the sky, right on top of Ares, knocking them both to the ground.
"ERIS!" exclaimed Kagome.
END OF SIDE ONE. PLEASE TURN THE TAPE OVER AND START SIDE TWO AT THE SAME POINT. THIS MEANS YOU!
No, don't worry, just REVIEW THIS CHAPTER and go on to the next (click the purple arrow below). It was getting WAAAY too long!
Hey, where are you going? Don't read the next chapter till you review!
Please tell me what corrections to make!
Ja ne!