PART TWO OF CHAPTER 3
In Which Kagome Freaks, Eris Shrieks, and Koga Meeks
P.S. There's lots of breaks so you can recognize where you left off if this chapter's too long and you have to stop.
!#$&+Bah-Bum+&$#!
"You gave this idiotic mortal powers of destiny?" exclaimed Ares.
"No, I enchanted some paper!" she yelled back. "And don't act all surprised, you WANTED me to do it!"
"No, no, see, I wanted you to go after her and get InuYasha out of the way!"
"Excuse me, it WORKED- kinda!"
"Wait a minute-" started Kagome, "You wanted InuYasha out of the way so you enchanted my paper?"
Eris glared at Ares. "Ares was being his usual manipulative self!"
She stood up, hands on her hips.
"He's got some army waiting somewhere or something, waiting to pounce on the valley and get the Hat of Ultimate Power in the temple or something. I don't care about such things- as long as there's plenty of strife - which there won't be because everybody'll all be DEAD. He wanted InuYasha out of the way so there'd be no interference."
"And you figured that out all by yourself, did you?" sneered Ares.
"Hey, don't believe everything you hear about blondes!" she said, then to Kagome, "Look, just write my powers back and I'll un-zap the scroll!"
"No, mine first - I have a powerful demon waiting for me to give the signal that InuYasha's gone." Said Ares.
"Uh, not helping your case Slick." said Eris.
He smiled at Kagome.
"I promise if you give me my powers back I'll call off the demon." He said, and Eris snickered.
"Pigs can fly!" she laughed.
"You can." He replied.
Before the furious Eris could retaliate, Koga butted in.
"Uh, if you undo the scroll InuYasha will come back and the demon won't attack."
"That's true." Said Kagome, and began writing. "Eris was as she was before."
Eris smiled as she disappeared in a flash…
"AAAAAHHHH!" Eris fell on top of Ares- in the exact same way as before!
Kagome gaped at the two on the ground.
"Eris is as she was before. It's all in the wording." Said Koga smugly.
"Ok… what if we fill up the paper? Will that end the curse?" asked Kagome.
"No, it's just be full, everything will stay the same." Said Eris.
"You should just write, "Everything is as it was before."" Said Koga.
"Then we'll all go back to our baby cribs and you'll go back under your rock." Said Eris, spitefully. Then to Kagome, "did you write HIM here?" she tried to wipe some dirt of her face, but only smudged it everywhere.
Kagome blushed. "Not exactly… here." She handed it to Ares.
"Ah." He said, after looking at it for a second. "Kagome awoke with a jerk."
Eris laughed, and Kagome looked up at a confused Koga.
"I don't get it, what's so funny about waking up?" he asked.
MEANWHILE WITH NARAKU
Naraku was waiting for the signal. A giggling girl ran by.
"Is that the signal to attack?" asked Kagura.
A boy ran after her, and they ran giggling into the trees.
Naraku shook his head. "No, that's not the sign."
WITH ERIS, ARES, KAGOME, AND KOGA
"Ok, I have to deconstruct the story from the beginning, that means bringing InuYasha back first." explained Kagome.
"InuYasha comes back at the head of an army." Suggested Ares.
"We could end up with an army of ants… or children… or fleas."
"Whoa, whoa, why don't we describe him?" asked Koga, bent over with the paper on his back (for a flat surface again).
"Yeah! Hey- suddenly, there was the arrival of the man." Kagome started.
"Remember the eyes." Said Eris.
"Yellow eyes… white hair… wielding the Tessaiga!" shouted Kagome in triumph.
"Wait- does anybody KNOW what the Tessaiga is? Does the paper know it?" asked Koga.
"Um… wielding the sword of InuTashio! Yeah!" Kagome ran over and began writing.
Suddenly there was a flash of light and then…
"Uh-oh." Said Koga.
Kagome looked up and gasped. "SESSHOMARU!"
00
Ares leaned towards her. "Who is this man?"
"S-Sesshomaru, InuYasha's older brother!"
Sesshomaru glared at them, and pointed Tenseiga (which he had no idea why was in his hand) threateningly at Kagome.
"What's going on? Who're they?" he pointed to the once Greek gods.
"Eris and Ares. Ares is the, uh, god of war."
Eris bristled. "And I'M the spirit of strife!"
"Strange companions, priestess." (I'm not sure what he would call her. Wench?)
"Uh, I'll explain!" said Kagome quickly.
And she did.
WITH NARAKU AND CO.
They were sitting, waiting. Naraku threw up a tentacle, impaling a bird, which fell in front of him.
"Is that the sign?" asked Kagura, eagerly. Naraku glared.
"It's lunch. Pluck it."
AT THE NEAREST INNWITH KAGOME, KOGA, ERIS, ARES, AND LORD SESSHOMARU
They were at the bar (where it was still raining ale). Eris was now very dirty, and drunk. She was talking to Fluffy, who was looking very bored, sipping some ale (it was free, after all).
"This is one good thing about being mortal!" she slurred, taking a bite out of her shish-ka-bob. (sp?) She burped.
"You know, I always thought gods were very wise and powerful. Wait'll people hear they're as plain as dirt off a wheel!" laughed Koga, slapping an outraged Eris on the back.
"Y'know, I thought I was a good writer. But look at the mess I've caused!" said Kagome to Koga.
"Not everything you write turns to disaster." Said Koga. "Look at those priestesses!"
Just then the priestesses came over (remember, the ones who owned the orphanage?).
"You know that sword the man gave us? We sold it for a KING'S RANDSOM to him!" said miko #1, and pointed happily to a man in a corner, eating fruit with the beautiful sword.
"See?" asked Koga. "You did some good- the orphans these priestesses look after!" he refilled his mug under a waterfall of ale.
"YOU!" into the inn walked the warrior from earlier, complete with too much armor and beer belly! He pointed at the dude with the sword. "THAT IS MY KINSMAN SWORD! You are a dead man!"
"WAIT!" shrieked Kagome, and he looked at her. "What's your name?" she asked the knight.
"I am Menomaru!" he said in a high, pretentious tone (and yes, I know, I'm re-using Menomaru's name from the first movie, so sue me). "Why?"
Kagome began writing. A look of surprise came upon Menomaru's face.
"The caves! I MUST go to the caves!" then he sauntered out of the inn.
"Those caves are going to get reeeeally full." Said Ares.
Kagome stalked angrily out of the inn with her paper and pen.
WITH NARAKU, KAGURA, KANNA, AND KOHAKU
They were cooking the bird. It was roasting on a spit.
"Where's my drink?" asked Naraku. "I'm parched."
Kohaku came out of the forest with it, but tripped and it fell and broke in the fire, exploding the bird in a fiery ball.
"No," he said, face black with soot to Kagura, "that's not the sign."
WITH SESSHOMARU, KAGOME, KOGA, ARES, AND ERIS
Author's Note: Go- go dancing is a kind of wild disco dance- I think.
"Y'know, I've been trying to bring InuYasha here, why don't we go find him? I mean, there aren't that many fishing places around here!" Kagome said, in a slightly higher voice than usual. Her nerves were VERY strained.
"We'll just find the trout stream or fishing hole or," she slammed the paper down on a table, "wherever I sent him!" she stalked away (again.)
BTW, they're outside again. This was, like, a public picnic table or something. Fluffy was talking battle tactics with Ares.
"Why won't it stay up?" Eris was having trouble keeping her now matted hair up.
"Hey, Eris." Said Koga, sitting across from her. "You're a woman, you know about feelings, right? I'm in love with Kagome- but she doesn't love me. How should I win her? Flowers?"
"Hmm." Said Eris. She rubbed her head wearily. "Poems. Presents. Now LEAVE ME ALONE." She stood up and joined Ares and Fluffy.
"Poetry." Said Koga. He saw the paper and pen. He picked them up. He began writing.
wolf whistle
Ares turned around a gaped at what was standing behind Koga. Or rather, DANCING behind Koga. Then Kagome came back. She saw what everyone was goggling at, and gave a horrified gasp.
On a balcony above Koga, were three GO-GO dancing Kagomes. Three NAKED dancing Kagomes. Shaking their heads and whipping their hair, they smiled down at everybody.
00
Koga looked up at the startled crowd, and looked behind him. One of the Kagome clones winked at him and continued dancing. Ares grinned. Sesshomaru was the only male in the crowd who kept his cool and covered his eyes (when he saw the real and very angry Kagome coming through the crowd, that is.)
Kagome ran over to the table, and saw the paper and pen in front of the now drooling Koga.
She picked up the paper. "YOU WROTE ON THE PAPER?"
He whipped around a faced her, eyes widening at her enraged face. "Y-yeah I was writing a limerick to cheer you up!"
She began to read aloud.
"A warrior, Koga the mighty
Asked a boon from the goddess Eris
And what surprise he saw with love's eyes
Three times…" she looked up.
"I had a little trouble there. Anybody know a word that ends in 'ris'?"
Kagome grabbed his throat and began shaking him. "Idiot wolf! How could you write on the paper? And what does love's eyes have to do with me anyway?" then she stopped.
"Oh yeah. Right. I'm you're 'woman.' How silly of me." She glared at the naked dancing clones.
Koga laughed nervously.
"Well, let's send those three to the caves, eh?" he glanced back at them. "Maybe in a minute…
Kagome growled, and began writing. The three clones got down from the balcony and walked towards the caves.
"To the caves!" she growled.
NIGHTIME, EVERYBODY'S ASLEEP
Eris was snoring. Ares was muttering in his sleep about Pocky. Kagome was dreaming about Naraku dressed as an algebra problem chasing her through a huge bowl of Ramen.
Fluffy was asleep. Period.
Koga was awake.
"Presents, eh?"
IN TOWN
Koga was at a peddler's stall.
"Look, it's late mister, I…"
Koga handed him his sword.
"I'm always open for business!" said the peddler, staring at the sword with greedy eyes.
NEXT MORNING
Kagome woke up to a beautiful necklace sitting on her chest. She smiled.
"You like it?" asked Koga.
She turned around. "You gave this to me? Gee, Koga, thanks!"
"Yeah. I, uh, had to trade my father's scabbard and sword for it."
Kagome's face darkened. "What?"
"I had to trade my father's scabbard and sword for it."
She grabbed the front of his shirt. "You said you would never, ever part with it!"
"Well, Kagome, some things in life are worth giving up-"
"YOU IDIOT!" she screamed, waking everybody up.
"Wha-"
"The paper!"
"What about it?"
"I hid the paper in the scabbard, Koga! Where is the scabbard?"
She began pulling his hair.
"I-I-I gave it to a peddler!" said the baffled Koga, as Kagome began shaking him like a bottle of orange juice. "We'll find him! And besides, what're the odds he'll figure it out?"
A woman ran by.
"You better hurry, it's raining yen in town!" she cried, and ran off.
If looks could kill, Koga would've been pushing up daisies.
He gave a nervous giggle. "Y'know that's funny-"
Kagome began to strangle him.
90ofthepeoplewhoreadtheycan'tlicktheirelbowtrytoanyway
"I've got it- I know exactly what to write but FIRST- first we need to get the paper." said Kagome. Everybody was gathered in a circle (except poor Koga, who was tied to a tree behind them).
"And how do you hope to do that?" asked Sesshomaru skeptically.
"Well, Sesshomaru, that's my business." she said. "Ok, Ares, Eris, I want you to go to town and find out where the peddler went. Sesshomaru and I are going to go where it's raining yen and look for him there."
"What about me?" asked Koga.
"You," she said, untying him, "get to go to the caves- and to wait. C'mon." she and the others left.
"The ca-" started Koga angrily, then stopped and remembered the three naked clones, and grinned.
"The caves."
MEANWHILE
Eris was leaning against a wall, when a man walked by. Sticking out her chest, she used her smoothest voice and said, "Hey there, big boy."
He grinned- then stopped, and sniffed. "Call me when you've had a bath, toots." He walked away, leaving a horrified Eris in his wake.
Ares walked up to her.
"The tavern keeper said he headed out of town this way- hey, do you smell something?" he sniffed, and wrinkled his nose.
Eris growled.
MEANWHILE
Kagome and Fluffy-sama were following the peddler's trail from where it was raining yen.
"These ruts from the wagon are deep- as though he's carrying a load of yen." said Kagome to Fluffy.
"Where'd you learn to read trails like that?" asked Sesshomaru.
"InuYasha. You hang around him long enough you're bound to pick up something."
Sesshomaru was silent.
"Y'know, he's not all that bad, he can be really nice sometimes." Said Kagome.
"Not all the time apparently, or else you wouldn't have sent him fishing." He said smugly.
"Well, he can be a jerk too."
"Yeah, very selfish." They laughed- then stopped.
A moment of silence.
"Uh, it looks like he's heading for the caves." She said.
Silence.
"We were… starting to warm up to each other for a moment, weren't we?" he asked.
"Yeah." She said.
A pause.
He raised his eyebrows. "I didn't like it."
She shook her head, "Right back at ya."
They walked on.
IN THE CAVES
Koga was leaning over the sleeping barbarians, who were lying in a pile in the middle of the huge cavern, when Kagome and Fluffy walked in.
"Koga!" she shout whispered angrily.
"SHHHH!" he shout whispered back, "I'm trying to disarm them!"
"Look, I don't know how, but you are going to screw it up! Now just back away!"
"I won't screw up, as long as they don't wake up before we find the pe…"
Then, in walked the peddler, holding the rolled-up paper in his grubby hands!
"THAT'S THE GUY!" shouted Koga, pointing at the peddler.
The barbarians began to stir, and Kagome glared at Koga.
"WHO'S GOT IT?" shouted the prissy warrior (remember Menomaru?), who had just walked into the cavern. He stuck his sword at the peddler, dislodging the paper from his hands. Koga caught it and threw it to Kagome.
There were a few passages around the walls, and Kagome and Fluffy ran into the left passage. Koga scurried away from the waking demon barbarians, running into Ares and Eris, who ran past him after Kagome.
The barbarians got up and ran into another passage.
Kagome came out of a passage into a new cavern (alone), and ran into another. The prissy knight came running out of it, bumped into her, and took the paper.
"Not the paper!" she shouted.
He ran back into the cavern (the new one), and swung his sword at Eris and Ares, but it slipped from his hand.
"MY KINSMAN SWORD!" he shouted. The barbarians ran in, grabbed him, and began dragging him away.
Koga ran into the cavern and grabbed the paper from Menomaru as he was being dragged away, and ran into another chamber. He stopped dead.
In front of him was a naked dancing Kagome. She winked and wiggled her shoulders. Koga spun around. Another Kagome was dancing in an entrance- and another in another! The first Kagome began doing a backstroke move, and the second winked while the third whipped her hair.
Koga was surrounded!
Just then the peddler bumped into him.
"Nice looking, huh?" asked Koga.
The peddler nodded, and Koga punched his jaw and slid away under his legs. The peddler ran away, the barbarians ran in, trampled Koga, and took the paper!
Kagome was waiting in the entrance to the passage. She stuck out her bow and, one by one, tripped the barbarian demons. The paper flew into the air, and into the triumphant Kagome's hand.
"Time to end this once and for all!" she ran back to the original passage, and began writing.
Then, everybody- Eris, Ares, Sesshomaru, the prissy warrior, the peddler, the five barbarian demons, and Koga ran into the chamber. She raised the paper (rolled up again), and shouted, "Stay back!"
"Kagome, over here!" shouted Koga. Kagome threw it to him- but it was intercepted by the peddler, who ran out through a passage.
"That's the way out of the caves!" Kagome shouted angrily at Koga. He giggled nervously again.
AllworkandnoplaymakesErisadullgoddessThe peddler ran out of the cave, clutching the paper. The three naked Kagomes skipped after him. Following them were the five yelling barbarians, with the prissy knight on their heels shouting, "my sword!" Sesshomaru brought up the rear, Tokijin brandished high.
Ares, Eris, Koga, and Kagome burst outside.
"What did you write on the paper?" asked Koga.
"Instead of bringing InuYasha to the scroll I brought the scroll to InuYasha." She said. "I just hope I phrased it right."
They ran after the group.
WITH NARAKU AND CO.
Naraku watched below as a man ran by, followed by three naked woman (couldn't see them this far away), 5 hairy men, and SESSHOMARU.
He grinned. "If that isn't the sign to attack, I don't know what is! Let's go!" he said, and he, his army of demons (donated by Ares, btw), Kagura, and Kanna headed out.
BACK WITH THE GODS, KAGOME, AND KOGA
"Hey, who's leading the army that's going to attack, anyway?" asked Kagome.
"Name's Naraku." Said Ares.
"Naraku? Oh man…" said Kagome.
"Hey, wait a minute." Said Koga, and sniffed. "Do you smell something?"
"Lay OFF OF ME, turkey!" shouted Eris angrily.
"No, no, it smells like… fish!"
Just then they heard the sound of a cart, and around the bend rolled…
"InuYasha!" cried Kagome. It was indeed InuYasha, pulling a cart full of… fish!
He held out the paper. "This yours?" he asked.
She reached for it, but he pulled it away.
"I got it off a peddler who was being chased by three naked yous, who were being chased by five demon barbarians, a man, and Sesshomaru, who is still chasing them. Oh yeah, and I read the paper."
She bit her lip. "Kinda messed it up, didn't I?"
"Kinda." He said, and handed it back to her. "Did you write that limerick?" he asked disdainfully.
"I did!" said Koga proudly.
"Figures." Said InuYasha.
"I tried to get you back!" said Kagome. "I wrote, 'InuYasha goes to visit his number one friend.'"
"You sent me to a guy I played with when I was 30, my FIRST friend!"
(Note 30 in human years- but 8 in demon years)
"What about, 'InuYasha returns to the woman who brought him a new life?'" asked Ares.
InuYasha lifted up a salmon.
"Kikyo says thanks for the fish." He said. "Who the hell are you anyway?"
"Ares, god of war, and this is Eris, spirit of strife. We lost our powers to the paper."
"Yeah, that part about war losing it's power…" InuYasha stopped and sniffed, then wrinkled his nose. Eris fumed.
He continued, "I DID start back once, but I was overcome with an irresistible urge to go fishing again- I figure that's where you wrote 'InuYasha returned from his journey.' And then I knew something was up. I had visited just about everyone I had ever met that meant anything to me-" he looked at Kagome, "except you. That's when I headed back."
Kagome smiled. Violin music
"Look, I know I'm breaking up a major love fest but LOOK AT ME! I'm not built to be mortal!" said Eris. "We've got to put things back together the way they were!"
"Yeah," said Koga, "and stop Naraku from destroying the valley!"
"Eris," said InuYasha, "what was the spell you used for the paper, exact wording?"
"Uh…Lies will make the world go round, till truer words are written down." she said.
"So, when you make up something, the paper has the power to make it happen… but when truer words are written… the power ends, well that's it!" he said, swinging around the face Kagome, accidentally smacking Koga in the face with the salmon he was holding.
"All you have to do is write down the truth." He said to her.
"Ok, but what are we going to do about Naraku?" she asked.
He grinned. "I'll take care of him." He said. "But you have to write down everything I do; no embellishing, no poetic license, just exactly what you see."
"But how're we going to know if it worked?" asked Eris.
"When you get your powers back we'll know." He said and, grabbing the cart of fish, began walking again.
"What's wrong?" Koga asked Kagome, looking at a fish he had stolen from the cart.
"I'm not very good at writing action." Said Kagome.
"WHAT?" asked Ares, walking around Eris. "You follow InuYasha around-" he paused and sniffed, earning a glare from Eris, "You follow InuYasha around and write stories about him- how do you do this without writing action?"
"Well… I use metaphors. I say, 'InuYasha burst on the scene in a blaze of glory!'"
"If you write that," said Koga, "we'll be picking him up in a million pieces!"
HERE COMES NARAKU
The army of demons descended on the valley(not a huge army, like a thousand, just a small one, maybe 30 or 50 demons), when suddenly-
WHAM!
A fish flew out of nowhere, knocking out two demons.
Naraku looked up to see- "InuYasha!" he snarled.
InuYasha was pelting them with fish from a huge cart.
One by one they flew gracefully through the air at the group.
"He threw a pike!" said Koga to Kagome, as she began writing. "Then a trout!"
"Kagura's fan was knocked away!" shouted Ares.
InuYasha threw a squid in the face of a pig demon.
"Ew!" said Eris.
"That octopus came outta nowhere- he must have thrown it for the HALIBUT- get it? Halibut, hell of it?" chuckled Koga.
"Just write 'InuYasha hit a demon with a squid.'" Said Ares.
InuYasha ran over to Naraku (who had slipped on a salmon), and sliced him in half.
"Damn- another puppet." Said Inu.
"InuYasha destroyed Naraku's puppet." Said Eris.
InuYasha ran over and thwacked another demon on the side of his head with a fish.
"InuYasha whacked the gazelle demon with a trout." Said Ares.
"Is 'whacked' a word?" asked Kagome.
"Say, 'hit.'" Said Koga. "InuYasha sliced at Kanna with a swordfish-" suddenly, Koga frowned and looked at Kagome. "Hey, whaddya mean, 'awoke with a jerk?'" he said angrily.
"Just keep with the script." Said Ares.
"What happened?"
They turned around. "Sesshomaru!" said Kagome. "And Miroku, Sango, Shippo, and Kirara!"
"Hey, Sesshomaru came and got us and told us what's happening, what's up?" asked Miroku.
"Where are the barbarians?" asked Koga.
"They stopped fighting and went back to Barbaria." Said Sesshomaru.
Suddenly, there was a flash of light and Eris was clean and beautiful again!
She sighed and smiled.
"I'm back!" she zapped Koga, making him fall over.
"All right!" she said, and vanished.
"Ares, you must have your powers, too!" said Kagome.
Ares zapped a bunch of demons, turning them to dust, and grinned.
At that Kagura leapt onto her feather with Kanna, stuck out her tongue at InuYasha, and left.
The rest of the demons were taken care of by Miroku.
"WIND TUNNEL!"
"Well, I better go, there's a lot of war to create. Au revoir." said Ares, and he vanished too.
InuYasha looked at Sesshomaru, and drew his sword.
"No thanks - I was in the middle of paying the heating bills. I have to go. I'll deal with you later." Then he left, too.
"Well, we saved the valley and the Hat of Ultimate Power, whatever that is." Said Kagome.
"A hat that gives ultimate power to the wearer. This town guards it." Said Miroku.
"Hey!" said Kagome, looking at the paper. "There's still some room left on the paper! Must mean there's something else to write." Her eyes glinted.
"How about, "The End?" said InuYasha, arms crossed.
"Ok." Said Kagome, writing. "I just think it's a bit-"
END OF CHAPTER THREE AND FOUR
Review, review, review!
Now, people, enough is enough. You haven't assured me that you will continue to read this story, whichever name I put it under. (IWasATeenageBarbieDoll or Sita the Marshmellow Lord.)
I WILL NOT UPDATE UNTIL YOU DO SO. NOW.
"Like, oh my gosh, I saw this guy walking into that one village and he was like hehehe really cute I think he looked at me hehehe I was like blushing and everything oh my gosh he was so totally drop dead cute that I like completely lost it and then he like walked over to me and I was like 'oh my gosh' and he was like 'hi there' and I was like giggle giggle 'hi there' and then he like grabbed my hands and he like looked into my eyes and he said in this like totally deep and manly voice 'Will you bear my child?' so I like hit him where the sun don't shine if you like know what I mean and then I just like left him lying in a ditch and like flew away and then I like blah blah blah..."
-What Kanna would NEVER say