CHAPTER 18 Nothing matters when you're broken
Just a slight warning, this chapter contains language content and for those who don't wish to read it, I suggest you don't!
Also, all of the people who reviewed my last chapter and have written Harry Potter (and associated) stories I have reviewed them. You take the time to review mine, so I read each of yours (including the one's in Spanish which was a tad of a struggle seeing as my Spanish is fairly poor, but nonetheless!) and reviewed, so enjoy!
Before this chapter begins I have some important things to say regarding Alice's impending abortion, I understand this is a particularly difficult subject and highly subject to opinions. This is simply one take on the situation and does not wish to endorse or dismiss abortion, as a topic in it's own right. If I have offended you by including it as an option I apologise. I welcome every point of view.
As for other apologies…DEAR EVERYONE WHO READS THIS STORY. I am incredibly sorry that I haven't updated in a long time.
So on with the story…I left you with
"Your not listening" she said desperately "I don't want to have a baby. It will ruin both our lives. I want a career".
Frank was silent and stared at the table. Alice couldn't take it anymore, the look of disappointment and hurt in his eyes was excruciating. She pushed her chair back and sprinted out of the bar. The cool air whipping against her face. She ran as fast as she could and she didn't even hear Frank yelling out to her.
And now on with the story…The door of the dormitory flew open as Alice yelled ACCIO BROOM. She had not stopped running since she left Hogsmeade. She jumped onto her broom and flew as fast as her broom could take her, over and above the Gryffindor Quidditch team. Her chest was heaving.
The grey eyes recognised the figure that flew past and he signalled Lily.
"I don't think it went well" he said gravely.
"What gives you that idea?" asked Lily a little puzzled.
Sirius pointed at the dot speeding away from them towards the clouds. Lily made to get past Sirius but he held her back.
"If she wanted to talk to us, she would have. She needs to be alone now".
Faster, faster, she urged her broom to bear her away from all her problems. Frank's face kept coming back to her, but she was determined to be strong. No more of this bullshit. I will get past this, it's a small hiccough. A wave of anger ran through her and she punched the air in frustration. Why her? James and Lily had been at it for much longer than she had and yet it was her that had to deal with all this.
Alice flew right into the entrance hall before she got off her broom and strode defiantly to the Matron's office. She rapped smartly on the door and told me the Matron:
"Make me the appointment please" she said looking her in the eyes.
The Matron looked at her for several long moment then inclined her head slightly and said: "very well. It will have to be soon I'm afraid otherwise the procedure will be harder. How about next week?"
Alice nodded and the Matron asked:
"Have you told the father what you plan to do? Not everyone will be happy with your decision".
"Not everyone is in my position" she retorted "besides no one will know. And yes I have told the father" she finished bitterly.
"Very well, I will send the date and time to you when I know. Until then take it easy. You will have to use the Floo Network and ask your teachers for the work you will miss".
Alice nodded once and strode out of office. She didn't notice the Matrons sad look in her eyes.
Patient Name: Alice CarterAppointment date: February 25th
Time and Place: 12.30 St Mungos
Level Five
Medi-Witch Sanz (Healer in charge)
Alice glanced at the piece of paper for what must have been the hundredth time. It was so crumpled now, it was surprising she could read it at all. She had not told anyone when she was going, not even her closest friends. She wanted this to be over as soon as possible and then she could get on with her life.
She took a breath and stepped into the fire. Meanwhile James and Sirius were looking for Alice and not being successful they went to Madame Pomfrey. Seeing Sirius she said "you just missed Alice. She's already gone for the appointment".
James and Sirius looked at each other and sprinted towards Professor McGonagall's office.
"Professor" James said between breaths "we need to go to St. Mungos. Alice left without us".
"Mr. Potter, Mr. Black she requested to go alone. I am sorry but she has already left".
"But Professor…" Sirius pleaded.
"I'm sorry Black, I think the headmaster will allow you to visit her on the weekend. That is all I have to say on the matter" and with that Professor McGonagall motioned for them to leave her office.
The pair met Lily coming out of her Arithmancy class. She welcomed them with a smile but frowned when the saw their identical looks of worry.
'What's up?" she said quickly.
Glancing up and down the corridor to make sure no one was listening Sirius told her that Alice had already left for St Mungos. Lily sighed and said:
"I knew she would do this. Ever since her meeting with Frank she hasn't said a word about her pregnancy or their relationship". She sighed again and said "well we'll definitely have to visit her on the weekend. She's going to be a wreck".
Before visiting Alice the three carefully selected presents for her. Whether she wanted to admit it or not, this was a big deal. Shifting nervously Lily waited in front of the fireplace for James and Sirius. She was anxious for her friend's mental and physical state.
After arriving at St Mungos they made their way up to Level Five where the Welcome Witch had indicated they go. There was Alice, sitting up right in her bed working on something which looked distinctly like a transfiguration essay.
"Trust" James said with a laugh while Sirius smiled and rolled his eyes. Alice looked over and smiled weakly. She still looked very pale, but worst of all she looked afraid of what was happening. Lily saw something flicker in her eyes but it was quickly covered with her masterful façade.
James and Sirius laughed and joked about everything at school trying to make Alice laugh as many times as possible. Lily just held onto her hand and squeezed it reassuringly. Hours slipped away unnoticed as the trio stayed with Alice.
It wasn't until a quiet cough came from the door that they realised their cue to leave. Frank stood at the door. He had apparently been standing at the door for quite some time. Suddenly all three decided suddenly they were in desperate need of a cup of coffee and quickly walked out of room, but it wasn't quick enough.
"Fuck off" Alice said bitterly.
"God, Alice please. I came to see you because I care about you. Please babe" he asked softly.
"CARE ABOUT ME?" she yelled "LOOK WHAT YOU DID TO ME".
"Hey wait a second, I'm not entirely to blame. It takes two to tango" he said his voice rising.
"Yeah? Is that so? If I'm not wrong I was going to be the one who had to have the baby" Alice said icily. "You didn't even want to know about this".
"WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?" he yelled "YOU DIDN'T GIVE ME ANYTIME TO THINK. YOU RAN AWAY BEFORE I HAD A CHANCE TO SAY ANYTHING".
"You didn't have to say anything. I saw the disappointment in your eyes when I told you I didn't want to have the baby" she said looking down at the white linen and smoothed the sheets with her shaking hands.
"CHRIST ALICE. It was a shock, you could have given me three seconds to take it all in. Of course I was surprised, you hadn't come to discuss anything with me, you had come to tell me about the abortion. I didn't get a say in the matter" he said sadly.
"WHO'S BODY ARE WE TALKING ABOUT? HMMMM? That's right, mine. I haven't finished school, I haven't done anything with my life and you expected me to give it up, marry you and raise our child while you had a life" she yelled feeling her throat ache.
"THAT'S A HELL OF A LOT OF ASSUMPTIONS. I don't remember being asked about any of that. Would that be before or after you ran away and refused to speak to me?" he shot at her angrily. It had stung that she had thought he would expect that.
"JUST LEAVE ME ALONE. I DON'T EVER WANT TO SEE YOU AGAIN" she screamed.
"ALICE YOU ARE BEING RIDICULOUS. Just, god, let me think" he said tiredly.
Alice looked determinedly out of the window trying not to look at Frank. Frank was rubbing his temples in a stressed way.
"Other than the fact that you hate me, how are you feeling? Frank asked. This raised a small smile from Alice who, to her disgust, shed a tear.
"I don't know" she admitted truthfully "I feel completely fucked up…literally hahaha" she laughed sarcastically. Frank climbed onto the bed beside her and took her in his arms and whispered to her:
"I would have stuck by you and our child and I'm not going anywhere. But you're right we are faaaaaaaaar too young to be parents. All of this was such a shock, I couldn't believe it! But that doesn't mean it's going to change anything, I still love you".
Alice looked at him, love? He hadn't said that before.
"Love's a strong word" she said quietly
"It's a strong feeling" he told her cupping her face "I mean it".
"Great start to the year" Alice grumbled which earned her a laugh from Frank as he held her closer.
"Definitely interesting" he laughed "I promise this will never happen again. No one should have to go through so much pain, emotional or physical. I promise to be more careful".
"For a while I think I'm going to stick to sleeping in my own bed" Alice said truthfully.
Without warning Frank began to laugh and laugh. He kissed Alice's forehead and began to tell her about Auror training.
Lily squeezed James hand as they stood outside watching the couple joke and laugh.
A/N: okay now for the well overdue thank you's! VERY VERY IMPORTANT…Lily is NOT pregnant, there is no Harry or Neville coming.
Madsdagirl: No need to thank me for reviewing, I should be thanking you (which is incidentally what I am doing presently). As I said at the start of this chapter, you take the time and the effort not only to read my story but review it, which is fantastic so I thought I would do the same for you! I will read and review anything else you want me to and I am interested in the new story you are writing. When I wrote this one I wrote up to chapter 19 before I posted it, but every now and then I fuse chapters together and add new things! Your quite right about controversial, I knew picking this topic would have some draw backs, but the fact of the matter is, it happens and if it's real I want to write about it. However it was very hard to write considering how many different perspectives there are and how strongly some people feel. Interestingly I have read a fair few stories over the past couple of weeks…I have found rape, abuse, sex and even suicide but not in one other story have I read abortion. As I mentioned before it is very difficult topic to write on considering the level of debate it inspires, but I also had to consider how many different people would react. I am grateful that yours was positive, but I was not expecting everyone's to be. Thank you for your comments on Sirius, he is my favourite character to write and feel he is misrepresented in most stories, but then again it is all speculation! Thank you once again: )
Newest Marauder: Thank you very much and as I just said to Madsdagirl Sirius is my favourite character to write. Although he appears almost constantly in Lily and James stories I almost feel as though they are missing a side to him or he comes off as quite shallow (sometimes unintentionally). I find it hard to believe being disowned (or disowning) your parents is an effect that rubs off quickly! Yes I would love to write Sirius a girl, I am trying to hint at the fact that he has girlfriends but finds them meaningless hence why they are not included in the story. Although I am searching for some character for him, suggestions please! Thank you for taking the time to review it makes my day.
Marauder's rule: Liezl! THANK YOU! Sorry I have taken so long to update I hope you can forgive me (how about if I smile winningly like this… : ) ) I always love your reviews, so thank you thank you
Gilmoregirl7878: Ah unfortunately no Harry or Neville soon…but yes your correct their birthdays are close together. Thank you for reviewing and please continue to read : )
Rayolis: I always look forward to your reviews! Bad week eh? Well I guess that was a few weeks ago, but hopefully this week has been awesome to compensate! Her outburst was just Lily's temper…she isn't pregnant and Alice now isn't either. James hitting Sirius was my very poor attempt and comedy and it may have failed dismally, I always wanted to be able to write comically, unfortunately I don't think I have much of a knack for it! Your comments of descriptions were touching though, thank you again (I should count how many times I have thanked you now…not that you don't deserve every one of them!)
FireQueen618: Mmmm, food for thought thank you I'm still working on her character but your giving me an excellent base to begin from. The bit I'm struggling with at the moment is how she is going to so different from the rest, I'm not sure hot to set her apart? Any ideas, also I need a name, someone that really (well in the books) exists, I would also love to hear your ideas on this one. I love your suggestions and the time you put into them, thank you.
Hpelvenfaerie: I am amazed how many people have reviewed especially concerning Sirius' character. I agree with you in the respect that some stories seem to gloss over his character and jump straight into him being a complete sex god with no emotions, it doesn't seem to fit considering his family history, he would have to brood at least occasionally! I'm glad we share the same point of view! Many people have asked me to get Sirius a girl, well…I am trying…I promise. It is proving most difficult, although I had an excellent suggestion that she might have a huge impact on him and them possibly pass away. This would indicate why he never has a girlfriend or love interest in the current Harry Potter era. What do you think? I would love to hear your suggestions as well.
LBuccalo: I waited nervously to see your review and was extremely relieved to see that you liked it! I am touched that you included some of the details of your personal life especially given the content of my story and Alice's position. I (of course) would love to know if this chapter is what you would expect? I am in awe of your endless compliments. I am also very interested in your point of view concerning the choice Alice made and her feelings, I don't mean to pry and if I am asking too much please feel free to ignore these comments and forgive the intrusion. But I am truly thankful for all your amazing reviews and support, thank you a million times over.
.x.X.x xesha .x.X.x: Thanks!
Opal Koboi and Emerald eyes: I hope this has helped with your curiosity! By the way your name is really interesting, what does it mean?
Tropicalpunch9812: It wasn't supposed to be a cliffhanger, so sorry! Thank you for saying my writings improved, I hope it is, but sometimes I wonder! Sirius does need a girl and I'm working on it…but Remus…I'm still working on his character so a girl for him might be a while coming!
ShIvErIng sMiLe: I respect your point of view and am very careful to listen to everyone's point of view when it comes to this issue. I understand it is a controversial issue for a number of reasons and the characters positions do not necessarily reflect my opinion, but this was what I had in mind for Alice. Thank you for not judging that opinion, many people would and I thank you for that respect. I love your honesty; it is always great to hear people's real opinions and thoughts. I knew writing abortion into the story was always a bit of a gamble. Thank you for thanking me for the thanks hahahahahhahahahahahaha (sorry as I said before I have not much luck with comedy!) Many thanks for your opinions, honesty and suggestions all of which are taken into account.
Amy: Please read what I have written at the start of this chapter concerning the content and it's relation to abortion. I don't pretend to be an expert, because I'm not and Alice's views on abortion do not necessarily reflect mine, that's particularly important. However based on your information concerning how a child can feel in a womb I am grateful for the insight, sometimes I can be woefully wrong and apologise sincerely if I have offended you or misrepresented anything.
Marauders babe: You are crazy (but in a good way)…your little dialogue made me laugh! I have read and reviewed both of your stories so enjoy!
THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU