Author's note: I found this among some of my old papers from college; I remember writing it when I should have been working on an "Approaches to Literature" paper. I was obsessed with Star Trek: TOS at the time, and needed a brain-break. So this little parody is 15 years old -- please don't hold it against me if it's not up to my current standards of fiction. I just put it up because I thought some folks could have fun with it, especially considering all of the Original Series cliches and in-jokes I stuck into it. Cheers! -- CL
Scene: On board the USS Enterprise, on the bridge. A strange ship approaches. Kirk addresses the strange ship.
Kirk: Strange ship, identify yourselves or prepare to be destroyed!
An image of a badly dented grey robot appears on the screen.
Robot: Certainly! Anything to oblige. I am a maniacally cheerful robot who has lost his sanity, and I am out to destroy anyone I meet who is not happy. You, sir, look a little depressed. Allow me to put you out of your misery. Prepare to meet the Great Bird of the Galaxy!
Kirk: No, not that! Anything but that! Spock, have my computer scores transferred over to that ship. To the robot See? This is how I deal with recalcitrant computers. My record is unbroken! I was talking computers to death before you were born! Uh, made, I mean.
Robot (looking over the scores): Sir, these are not happy files. In fact, these scores are downright depressing. I think I'll kill myself.
In less than a minute, he starts to spew smoke and sparks, and very soon he explodes taking his entire ship with him.
Kirk (satisfied): Another one bites the dust, eh, Spock?
Time passes: an hour, then two hours. Uhura passes out from boredom. More time passes, even slower than before. A strange life-form in the ship's gym peacefully passes on. Suddenly, the "intruder alert" alarm signals, waking Spock from a sound sleep – uh, from his 'meditation,' that is. Uhura regains consciousness and Kirk pretends he hadn't been dozing in his chair.
Spock: Why can no one ever sneak aboard the ship? No, they have to make a racket and wake everybody up. What a pain!
Kirk (nodding sympathetically): I know, but as they say on some planet or other, "C'est la vie."
Spock: That would be France, Captain.
Kirk: That explains why they refuse to say it in English, then, doesn't it? At least we know the intruders are using Transporter Room Six.
Spock: How do you know that, sir?
Kirk: I read the script. Spock, come with me to meet our guests. Chekov, you have the conn.
They exit.
Uhura: Why doesn't he ever leave me in charge? It might be fun! (under her breath) Sexist pig.
Kirk and Spock arrive in the transporter room in time to see Scotty and another security man break up a fight between the two people who had just beamed up. One of them has shocking pink skin and the other's is blinding yellow. McCoy leans against a wall, watching and eating an apple.
Kirk: What's going on here?
Scotty: They were fighting, sir.
Kirk (grabbing phaser from security goon and aiming it at the strangers): All right, who are you and where did you come from?
Pink: We're from the planet Neon, and I wish he'd leave me alone! He's been after me for years and I never did anything to him!
Yellow: Ha! Just your being BORN was enough to offend me! You see, Captain, this episode makes a powerful statement about racism. His race have been our slaves for centuries, due to our innate Yellow superiority. We're the last two Neonites in the world since the last revolt, and –
Kirk shoots him dead with the phaser. Then he shoots the Pink-skinned Neonite as well, and then gets the red-shirted security guard as well.
Spock: Captain, that was not in the script.
Kirk: No, but that script he was talking about, with the powerful statement about racism and all, sounded really stupid. At least it was better than that!
Spock: Almost anything would have been better than that one, actually. You have a point.
McCoy: And you, Mr. Spock, have two of them. But Jim, why'd ya have to shoot the security guard as well?
Kirk: I didn't recognize him, which means he would have died later on in the episode anyway.
McCoy (bending over the bodies): They're dead, Jim.
Kirk: No, really, Bones? You need some new lines, pal. You should tell the writers to sneak in a "They've croaked, Jim," or maybe slip in something like, "Jim, they've passed on," but no. It always has to be "They're dead, J—"
Chekov (on the intercom): Keptin Kirk to the bridge! Keptin Kirk to the bridge!
Kirk: Kirk here. What is it, Chekov?
Chekov: Keptin, a wery strange object has just appeared on our viewscreens. It looks like a planet.
Kirk: So what's your point?
He pays no attention, and neither does Spock, as McCoy grins and points at Spock's two points.
Chekov: We want you to come tell us what it is, sir.
They head up to the bridge.
Kirk: Uh, Chekov? It's… a planet. Let's try to contact it. Uhura, open hailing frequencies.
Uhura (to herself, with a sigh): I knew this was coming. (To Kirk) Hailing frequencies open, sir.
Kirk: Enterprise to strange planet floating by – are there any life-forms down there? (No response) No response. Close the frequency, Lieutenant.
Uhura (gritting her teeth): Hailing frequencies closed, sir. (To herself) Hailing frequencies open, sir; hailing frequencies closed, sir. Yes, sir; no, sir. Three bags full, sir!
Kirk: Spock, Bones, come with me. We're beaming down.
McCoy: Me? I'm not beaming anywhere.
Kirk: Come on, let's get going.
McCoy: No! I don't want my molecules scattered all over the universe by that unnatural machine!
Spock: Doctor, may I point out that the odds for that happening are exactly: seven hundred billion, nine hundred eighty-two million, six hundred eighty thousand, eight hundred forty-three point three five… to one.
McCoy (mollified): Oh! Well, in that case…
They enter the transporter room and beam down, but only Kirk and Spock arrive. Kirk flips open his communicator.
Kirk: Kirk to Enterprise. What happened to McCoy?
Scotty: Scotty here, sir. It seems that, uh, his molecules were a wee bit scattered, sir. We canna think how it must've happened. The transporter was fine before Mr. Spock started fiddling with it this morning.
Kirk: I see. Kirk out. Spock, what do you think? Wipe that silly grin off your face, Mister! What about all those numbers you quoted to us, about the probability of his molecules being scattered?
Spock: If you'll remember, Captain, I distinctly stated that the odds for that happening were seven hundred billion, nine hundred—
Kirk (interrupting, not wanting to hear all those numbers again): All right, never mind, Spock.
Spock (continues under his breath): In fact, it was very nearly a sure thing after I rigged the transporter this morning! Most logical decision I ever made, getting rid of McCoy.
Two humans, a young man and an attractive woman, approach them.
Kirk: Who are you?
Man: Who are you?
Kirk: I asked you first! (He catches sight of the woman, who is very pretty) Oooh, what's your name? Mine is James Kirk!
The woman steps back and looks disgusted, but the man runs and throws his arms around Kirk.
Man: Father! I never thought I'd ever get to meet you! But –
Kirk: Uh, hang on a minute here. (He steps back and looks him keenly in the face.) Let's see. Mirabelle? Nancy?
Man: No, my name is Michael.
Kirk: No, it's not that. I was just trying to think of who your mother could have been. Alison? Jennifer? Kathy? Janice? Kelly? Anne?
The young man looks uncomfortable, and then increasingly irritated as Kirk continues with his litany of names.
Kirk: Diana? Betsy? Lori? Rachel? Michelle? Amber? MacKenzie? Griselda? Isabelle? Minerva?
Michael: No, Sarah. It was Sarah.
Kirk (thoughtfully): I don't think I even remember any Sarahs.
Michael whips out a phaser and aims it at Kirk.
Michael: Are you sure about that? Think hard, Captain James T. Kirk! (He is furious.)
Kirk (sweating): Uh, was it on Delta Dracula Seven? Or maybe she was the one on Manticore Three? Please don't shoot me! You have to understand how difficult this is for me! (Pauses for a moment, and continues in a more relaxed manner.) Hey, wait a minute. You can't kill me. I'm a regular. You know the regulars never get killed. It's just not –
Michael shoots and Kirk dies.
Michael: That's what he gets for not remembering my mother! She was from Iowa anyway!
Woman: Mike, don't be so tiresome. And don't be so harsh next time; I mean, how would you feel if someone did that to you? (She grabs the phaser and shoots him dead.) There now, how do you like it?
Curiously enough, he does not respond.
Spock: Unfortunately, he is no longer in any state to take your lesson on empathy to heart.
Woman (shrugging): Oh, well. Live and learn.
Spock: Precisely. When one no longer lives, one can no longer learn.
Woman (petulantly): Well, if you're going to get all pedantic on me..! (She turns and gets a good look at Spock for the first time.) On the other hand, a little pedanticism can be a turn-on, when the pedagogue is as handsome as you!
Spock, still giddy with his success at eliminating McCoy, smiles at her.
Woman: What's your name, anyway, handsome?
Spock: I am called Spock.
Woman: "Spock," huh? Nice name. I sure hope you don't like children.
Spock: No one who shares my name has ever liked children; fret not.
Woman: Hey, what was your friend babbling about? That he's irregular? What in the world do his bowel habits have to do with anything?
Spock (still smiling): Nothing at all, I assure you.
He offers her his arm and they walk
off together.
Back on the
Enterprise, Sulu and Chekov are arm-wrestling.
The tension mounts
and mounts before Sulu finally pins the Russian navigator.
Sulu: Ha, ha! I get to be captain now!
Chekov: No fair! You cheated! I demand a rematch!
Sulu: Nope, I won. We agreed that whoever won would get to be captain. Didn't we, Uhura?
She nods, with a calculating twinkle in her eye.
Chekov (bursting into tears): B-b-but you cheated!
Uhura: Sulu, let me wrestle the winner. I'm sick to death of saying "Hailing frequencies open." The captain's chair might offer me a nice change of pace.
Sulu (amused): Okay, but don't be humiliated when you lose.
Uhura: Don't worry, I won't. But you'd better practice saying "Hailing frequencies open, sir," for when YOU lose!
Sulu (boastful): Never happen, but okay.
They arm-wrestle and she pins him in a heartbeat.
Sulu: Noooooooooo!
He runs to huddle in a corner screaming, and Uhura settles into the captain's chair. She smiles and looks around, content. A message comes in. Sulu is in no shape to get it, as he is still crouching in the corner screaming "No!" at regular intervals, so Chekov gets up, sniffles a couple times, and gets the message.
Chekov: Keptin, Mr. Spock would like to speak with you.
Uhura (with an air of the deepest satisfaction, as though each word were dipped in chocolate): Put it on audio, Ensign. This is Acting Captain Uhura here, Mr. Spock. Is there some problem?
Spock: "Acting Captain"? What happened to Chekov? Is that him screaming in the background?
Uhura: No sir, that's Sulu. I beat him at arm-wrestling.
Spock: Ah. I didn't think that scream was quite up to Chekov's usual standards. He's a very good screamer.
Chekov (looking pleased): Thenk you, sir!
Spock: Yes, well… I just thought I should call and let you know that none of us will be coming back. Captain Kirk was phasered down by a by-blow of his, and Dr. McCoy was (giggles) – Ahem! As I was saying, Dr. McCoy's molecules were made permanantly independent of each other when he tried to beam down. It was very traumatic for us. (He tries to stifle more giggles.)
Uhura: It must have been for him, too. What about you, sir?
Spock: You may congratulate me, Captain Uhura. I am going to be married.
Uhura: Oh, Mr. Spock, that's wonderful!
Spock: Yes, thank you. My rigid Vulcan upbringing was a problem at first, but after that I just decided, "What the hell?"
Uhura: Well, she's a lucky woman, whoever she is.
Spock: Yes, I know. But don't let me keep you. Just tell Sulu and Chekov "Better luck next time," and give Nurse Chapel my condolences. I never really liked Plomik soup anyway.
Uhura: Yes, sir. What's that thing the Vulcans say? "Live for a while and do all right"?
Spock: Something like that. Good luck. Spock out.
Uhura flips the intercom switch on the captain's chair.
Uhura: Attention all decks, this is Captain Uhura. Prepare to boldly go where no science fiction show has gone before!
END