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CHAPTER 20 if you have to ask you can't afford

"ALICE, JUST STOP IT. YOU HAVE A PROBLEM" Sirius yelled.

"OH FUCK OFF BLACK, MY PRIVATE LIFE IS NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS" Alice threw at him furious that he had interrupted her night with a young Hufflepuff man.

"JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO HAVE SEX DOES NOT MEAN I HAVE A PROBLEM. YOU ARE A TYPICAL GUY" Alice screamed furious with him "I BET YOU'VE HAD A MILLION GIRLS AND WHEN I DO IT…I HAVE A PROBLEM! YOU HAVE SOME NERVE" her throat began to hurt from her screaming.

Lily ran down the hall when she heard Alice's screams: "Alice what's wrong?" she asked.

"OH NO, NOT YOU TOO, LET ME GUESS. YOU'RE WORRIED ABOUT ME. WELL DON'T BE, I'M COPING JUST FINE WITHOUT FRANK" she had turned on her best friend.

"Lily you try talking to her I can't handle this. She's been drinking and screwing some Hufflepuff guy" Sirius said utterly exhausted with trying to keep Alice out of the trouble that she obviously wanted to get herself in. Out of nowhere Alice slapped him with all her might.

"YOU DISGUST ME BLACK, I CAN'T BELIEVE I EVER SLEPT WITH YOU, YOU COULD BE BOTHERED THEN. YOU REALLY ARE THE PINICAL OF MANHOOD" she yelled drawing as much sarcasm as she could out of the last few words before disappearing down the hall.

Lily stood red faced, amazed that Alice had just yelled at her like that for trying to help. Her rational mind came into play and she turned on Sirius.

"You slept with Alice?" she accused.

Sirius sighed, this was going to be hard to explain.

"Look I'll explain it to you and James together so I don't have to do it twice" he said not looking forward to his friends yelling at him.

"PADFOOT, I AM GOING TO KILL YOU" James yelled.

"You'll have to get in line, trust me" Sirius said with resignation.

"Look Alice and I were never in love we both needed something that night. I needed sex and she needed to feel wanted. A feeling I'm guessing wasn't satisfied with me" he said roughly.

"Padfoot, not satisfying someone?" James said rudely "that's a first".

Sirius let it go, he knew James would get over it quickly, but for now he needed to be angry.

"God, you idiot, you knew she was upset after her and Frank broke up" Lily said sadly.

"Yeah, but did any of you guys bother to find out why she wanted time apart from Frank" Sirius began ignoring the death glares from James. Lily had obviously done him a lot of good, a year ago James would have high-fived Sirius and gone back to talking about Quidditch. "We never knew what happened, you know, like why Alice is really bitter at Frank. Look, we have to find a way to help her. I sent Frank a letter and I'm still waiting for a reply. I thought if we knew what happened between them, then at least we go try and make things right" Sirius finished and looked around at his friends.

Lily glanced at James who looked at Remus who looked at Peter. She nodded, but thought to herself 'this is going to be hard'.

Alice picked up her diary and threw it across the Room of Requirement. She was SO angry. She was so sick of everybody having an opinion on how her life should be run and what was right and wrong. The rage boiled up inside her and wanted to punch, kick, throw things, any things it didn't matter.

She had so much pent up tension. She felt really unloved despite all the extra attention she was getting these days. She ran around the room, desperate to find a way to release the anger in her. She wanted to scream again and again at Sirius, for nagging her. He was always around, how come he couldn't just LEAVE HER ALONE.

Clenching her fists in frustration she wildly threw a few punches into mid air.

"ARGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH" she yelled. Nothing worked, she couldn't get rid of the feeling of hopelessness, uselessness and anger.

She walked across the room and picked up her latest bottle of fire whiskey. Despite what Sirius thought, she only drank occasionally. Tonight was definitely a night for alcohol thought. Sculling a portion of the bottle she began to pace the room again.

Restless, perhaps she was going insane. Inadequacy has to be the worst feeling in the world. FUCK THE LOT OF THEM. If she wanted to screw around and have a few drinks, what was it to them? Since when did they care anyway?

She conjured up a punching bag and began to throw punches left, right and centre. She wanted to cry, but she was so angry that she seemed incapable of doing anything else but being angry.

Sweat began to run down her face and along her back but she didn't stop. The more she beat the punching bag the more anger escaped her. Finally when she was exhausted she walked back across the room and sculled the remainder of the bottle of fire whiskey. She smiled when she thought of her parents faces. She was always a good girl, but she didn't want to be a good girl anymore.

Extremely drunk she crawled over to the couch, she didn't think she could make it to the bed. Slumping on the couch she passed out.

When she woke up the next morning she rubbed her stiff neck and groaned as the light streamed through the windows. Glancing at the clock on the wall she knew she had missed her first class.

Groaning she staggered over to the bathroom. That was the second time this week that she had thrown up her entire stomach. Mainlining alcohol always eased the pain at the time, but she had enough common sense to know that her liver hated her.

Blindly she groped around for something to pick her up. Had she not have been rude to Lily, she could have whipped her up a potion to kill the awful headache. She popped another of the white pills that sat in her jeans pockets.

Within 10 minutes she felt much more awake and dressed no so appropiately for the upcoming day. She strutted into the Great Hall for lunch and sat next to Remus blatantly ignoring the other marauders and Lily.

Sirius' face was unreadable as she began to flirt with Remus. She stroked his arm and batted her eyelashes at him. She could barely keep still with the drug pumping through her. She grabbed the front of Remus' shirt and kissed him sticking her tongue into his mouth.

He was so surprised that he just took it, but his eyes narrowed slightly as he recognised the taste in her mouth. Alice flounced off in order to find her next victim. She was quickly becoming known as Hogwarts resident play girl.

"FUCK, I can't take this" Sirius yelled slamming his cutlery onto the table "why is she acting like this? She's like family and I only want to help".

"Maybe it's the alcohol" Lily suggested.

"Or maybe she's still upset about Frank" James guessed. Sirius snorted,

"I think she's over him" he said motioning to her antics with a Hufflepuff prefect.

"Maybe its…" Peter began before Remus cut in

"Drugs" he said shortly. Everyone turned in surprise. "What?" he asked. "Just because I'm shy at school doesn't mean I can't recognise the taste, its pretty obvious".

James and Sirius looked at Lily for an explanation, they had grown up in the wizarding world and had no idea about most things 'muggle'.

"Fuck, that explains everything. The excess energy and the sex drive. I had no idea, none. No wonder she's having mood swings, those things will fuck you up…" but before Lily could continue Sirius had run after Alice.

Sirius grabbed Alice from behind and held onto her.

"Oh no you don't Sirius Black" she said acidly "you had your chance"

"Really Alice darling, what are you going to do about it? Take some drugs?" he let the last question hang in the air. Alice had stopped immediately surprised that he had any idea what she had been doing. She slammed into Sirius with all her might.

"YOU HAVE NO IDEA" she yelled trying to hit all of him at once. She struggled again and again, but Sirius just held onto her tightly. Eventually she collapsed onto him with a sob. Now the tears had finally come and they weren't about to stop any time soon.

Sirius soothed her quietly until she was quiet. Sirius had stopped stroking her back and let go of her. Without warning she slid to the floor and began shaking. Sirius had no idea what was going on. He yelled for Lily and scooped Alice up and carried her to the Room of Requirement.

"Lily, oh shit, Lily, what the hell is going on?" Sirius said panicking.

"Sirius it's all right, its just a bad trip. Go to my room and bring back my potions stuff. QUICKLY" she snapped.

Lily was very scared, but it didn't stop her rational thoughts. She conjured up a blanket for Alice and sponged her forehead. Sirius returned with a flourish and he and James began pacing around the room, while Remus helped Lily brew something.

Quickly they fed the blue potion to Alice who immediately relaxed and then collapsed into sleep.

After three days of consecutive sleeping Alice woke up and found her friends sitting around her. They all looked tired, worried and extremely stressed. When Lily saw she was awake and ran over:

"Alice, how are you, are you okay, I was so worried, I thought I was going to loose you" Lily rambled.

"Yeah, actually I feel fine. Sleep probably did me good, especially seeing as I haven't been having much sleep lately" she joked, hoping to lighten the mood. Sirius laughed before enveloping her in the biggest hug he possessed.

"How did you guys know what was wrong with me?" Alice asked, she was very curious how they had discovered her secret. James opened his mouth to explain but Remus cut in.

"It was me, I recognised the drug when you kissed me. It has a very distinctive taste" Remus answered not looking worried that all his friends were staring at him. Alice smiled when she realised that poor Remus had taken some before as well. She wondered what he had to escape from.

"Look guys, I'm really sorry about what I put you through" Alice said sadly a little ashamed of her behaviour towards her friends. James, Sirius, Remus, Peter and Lily all smiled at her.

"The sex was awesome though" she added honestly and everyone looked at Sirius who laughed heartily and said:

"With me or every other guy in seventh year?" he asked with a smile to let her know he wasn't mad at her. She began to laugh which was something she hadn't done since her abortion.

"Sirius darling I'm sure you were marvellous. I think I'm about ready to be myself again though" she said with a smile. Remus let a loud sigh and said sarcastically:

"Thank God for that, I mean I really hate when sexy girls flirt with me at breakfast". This drew a laugh out of everyone in the group, especially seeing as Remus was seen as the 'quiet' one.

The atmosphere was considerably lighter than it had been previously. Laughter filled the halls again and Alice found herself happier than she had been all year. Even though happiness was infectious the horrible inevitability of exams drew closer, as unstoppable as time itself.

The red head more than anyone was feeling the pressure. Exams were still months away but she could hardly run away from them or the mass amounts of work that they had been set. She wasn't the only one feeling the pressure of exams.

He may have been quiet but Remus Lupin had seen his fair share of troubles in the past. He hoped his friends would forget that he was the one who recognised what Alice was taking. Too many questions and he did not have the disposition to lie to those whom he felt indebted to.

The last rays of light streamed through the window and glanced off the materials scattered on the ground and on tables and chairs. Inwardly he let out a huge sigh. For the millionth time he wondered what his life would be like if he wasn't a werewolf. Would he be in a passionate relationship like Lily and James? Would he have too many troubles like Alice?

Emptiness filled him from top to toe with its silent partner, loneliness. It managed to interrupt his thoughts even at the best of times. All he had to do was look at Lily and James and feel pangs of jealousy.

Every day would be filled with the horrible sense of foreboding that came with each full moon. He was tormented, he saw the pale orb in his dreams, the pain that ravaged his body and the feelings of uncontrolled acquiesce.