The characters of JK Rowling are not mine... you know I should just copy and paste that somewhere... its annoying me. '. If you haven't noticed I'm glaring at the word disclaimer.
A heavy silence loomed over the Gryffindor common room, where Remus, Sirius, and James sat. They were all just sitting, well Remus and Sirius were staring at James. And James was staring at nothing. And nothing was staring at... nothing. James had been quiet for a while; and it was Saturday... That was the day they really had off, when their bedtimes were limitless and they could do what they wanted. Fridays were great, sure, but you had to finish all your homework early so you'd have a free Saturday. Then Sunday, you had to go to bed at normal time again, so you'd get up for school good and well on Monday.
Then, James got up. Remus and Sirius' brows lifted, as they hoped he'd say something and they leaned foward. But James just walked out of the common room, muttered something at the whole in the wall that lead to the corridor, and walked out; his broom zooming behind him.
Sirius cleared his throat. "I believe we should follow him." he said staring at the portrait whole.
Remus gave a look to Sirius, "And I believe we shouldn't."
"Thats what I said, 'I believe we shouldn't follow him."
Remus rolled his eyes.
James' broom finally caught up to him and he stopped. The broom kept poking his back. He grabbed it and head out to the feild.
Upon being out there, James felt better. It was always amazing to him; the sky that is. And flying around up there. Sometimes he thought if he went high enough, maybe, just maybe all those weird thoughts in his head would go away. Then he stopped. But Lily put these weird thoughts and feelings in his head. In ways, he was mad at her, but couldn't get enough of her. It was insane really. She was a drug.
James mounted his broom and took one look at the ground below his feet, before zooming up. His broom was pin straight up, which was his favorite thing to do, as he flew. A slight grin tugged at his lips as he swirved the broom round right into a stop. The site that met his eyes was interesting to him, the Gryffindor tower. Right there was Lily's room. He snorted. Why would he care about Lily Evans? All he wanted was her, and only in that sense.
"Fuck." he muttered at the unbelievable idea of not being able to get Lily out of his head. Everything he thought of led back to Lily.
So, in this non-stop Lily thought, he decided he'd just fly up to the room's window. At getting there he saw it to be empty. He dismounted his broom, and sat on the window ledge, broom lying next to him, looking out over the grounds. He'd done this many times, but from his dorm, and from the roofs of other places. This was new, and different. He even slightly smiled.
"James?" Lily asked in a soft voice. She'd come in just a minute ago, and saw him sitting on her window ledge. Normally she'd be a tad freaked, but this was James, and she'd started to feel so differently for him. Sometimes she second guessed herself about this, but she even thought she might love the boy.
James didn't turn around, or look at her, or make any show of trying too.
Lily sighed and walked a bit more towards him, so that now she was leaning against the wall, next to him. She looked at the profile of his face. He was a gorgeous man, she had to admit that. But she knew the feelings he had inside really wanted to come out. He just didn't know it. She almost felt determined to get them out of him. No matter what it really took.
"James." she said and touched his shoulder. He didn't shove it off, but wanted to. He didn't want to hurt her, in all honesty.
He finally looked at her. Turning around on the window ledge, so that his legs were facing in the room, he grabbed his broom and jumped down so his feet were on solid ground. He looked around the room and then back to Lily.
Lily walked right infront of him, and wrapped her arms around his neck, resting her head on his chest. For a moment James felt that feeling come back to him. He almost shivered, but then he realized where this could lead. Not now. To his surprise, he didn't want to because he cared about her. That made him more mad. He couldn't care about her.
James sighed and moved his hands so they lay on her shoulders, as the broom dropped to the floor, and pushed her away from him. He was surprised to feel her tighten her grip and not let go of him. He took in a quick breath and felt himself shake for a minute until he relaxed. He tried again, pushing her shoulders to shove her away. Lily didn't let go of him.
"I know somethings wrong with you..." she said shakily, for she knew this was not her place to be holding onto his neck. "I'm not letting..." here she paused, and took in a shaky breath. "I'm not letting go of you, not until you tell me."
James swallowed hard and felt it burn. He shivered and then tried pushing her off again. It was making him frantic in a way. What was that muggle word? Probobly claustrophobic. That was it. He took in a deep breath and closed his eyes.
Lily blinked once, and put the lower part of her face, around her mouth, into the space between his shoulder and his neck. She could feel the warmth eminating from him through her lips. She blinked again.
"I told you." she said a bit more steadily, "I'm not letting you go until you tell me."
James opened his eyes and pushed again, but this time kept the force against her shoulders. She wasn't letting go. And he couldn't talk. Even if he was going to tell her anything, he couldn't. His throat was deciding to not work.
Lily bit her lip, and James could feel it against his neck.
She'd done it because she could feel him getting warmer. Like he was panicing. Lily just wanted to help him. She had realized that he was a normal human being when he'd kissed her that day in the empty classroom. She tightened her grip a bit more, but gently. Lily just couldn't see how he didn't know she was trying to help him. Was it that hard? Did she emit a harsh look? No, she didn't have a look. Lily sighed against his neck.
James' eyes were searching her dorm room. He lowered his hands from her shoulders and tried relaxing. It didn't work. His eyes closed, but he was still shaking a bit. Quickly, James re-opened his eyes. He didn't like closing his eyes. He felt Lily's warm sigh against his neck and swallowed again. That burning sensation went down his throat for a second time. He attempted at clearing his throat but it didn't seem to be working either. James moved his hands again, to her shoulders and pushed hard as he could. After a good amount of time, at least to him, of pushing at her shoulders, her grip broke and her hands unlaced from around his neck.
Upon releasing himself, he was still shaking and swallowing in a somewhat frantic manor. He found himself staring straight into Lily's eyes. They seemed helpless. Like she felt useless. And she did. She felt useless to him. James gave her one hard look and felt his voice burn up his throat. Unfortunately, the few words he said, were few words he would rather not have said. But they were said because he was confused and frustrated.
"You can't help me. Your just helpless." he said. His voice was deep, and slightly raspy. But he saw Lily's confused eyes looking back up at him. Considering she was slightly short, she didn't come up to high on him. She didn't know what she'd done wrong. Before leaving the room, but not on his broom, for he was too shaken to ride a broom steadily, he gave her one last hard look and left.
Lily stood there. She felt embaressed and could almost hear her cheeks flame up. Even with the embaressment, she also couldn't help feeling a bit confused. After standing for some time she felt her eyes burn. They were coated with a thick layer of liquid crystal tears. Blinking, they rolled fast down her cheek blazing hot paths behind them.
Lily swallowed and moved her head to the right, to look out the window. Turning her head felt as if she'd never turned it before in her life. It was already a bit darker outside. A darker blue that is, compared to the vibrantly, bright blue from when James had first come.
Lily sighed and shivered. Maybe she just needed to sleep. She just couldn't move though. A paled, thin hand whiped the now cool tears away from her cheeks. It didn't do any good, seeing as as soon as she blinked again they rolled down and blazed fresh, hot paths down her cheeks again. All this time thoughts were running through head. Why hadn't James told her? Something had made his emotions simply flood away from him. She couldn't help but notice that she saw twinkles of emotion spark like lightning through his gray blue orbs. But that was just it. Like lightning. They were fast and over soon. No matter how beautiful and captivating lightning was to her, or anyone, it would only last a fraction of a second. Emotion shouldn't last so little.
Crawling into her bed, even though it was still slightly early, Lily swallowed and let the tears run down her cheeks while she thought about everything. It just seemed so impossible, for someone so seemingly fine with the life he portrayed, to be so hurt on the inside. Taking a quivering breath, Lily let herself fall into a mostly dreamless sleep.
Sirius squinted his eyes. "Really? Muggles take that long on their hair?"
Kir rolled her eyes and smiled. "Yes Sirius. Unlike us wizards and witches, Muggles do things manually."
Sirius gave her a blank look.
"Meaning by hand."
Sirius still gave her a blank look. Kir made a low throat noise like a growl and glared at him.
"Meaning, that a muggle doesn't have magic." she said and waited.
Sirius immediatly gasped as if someone had just told him all the girls on earth were disapearing. He seemed truely surprised. "Wow." he said simply.
Kir just gave him a look and said, "Well--Sirius look at me. How in the world did you think of us? If muggles knew magic... they wouldn't be muggles." she said and shook her head in confusion.
Sirius thought about this and grinning. "Right." he said. Not in the sarcastic way he usually did, but in a 'oh I knew that' way.
Kir and Sirius were going over a Muggle Studies project together. They were assigned as partners, because Sirius had gotten up in the middle of class and yelled, "I cannot have Peter as my partner... for the 7th project this year!" and that made the professor change his mind. Kir had volenteered, only because Sirius was horrificly failing the class. She was good in muggle studies. So at this moment they were sitting outside, against a tree, on the grounds, on Saturday. Kir was busy trying to explain to Sirius the lack of magic in Muggle London, or muggle anywhere. He'd seemed so amazed that Kir was sure she'd need to know muggle reviving techniques to get him breathing again. She'd never seen someone in such a state of shock over something so obvious.
Sirius smiled over at Kir and she quirked a brow. What now? Oh, did she have something on her face or something. She remembered in 3rd year, how he'd always be laughing at her face when she had something on it that wasn't normally there. Even a scratch. If it looked out of place, it was funny to him. "What?" she asked.
Sirius just kept smiling and then out of nowhere decided to lean back, so that he was laying on his back, his arms folded behind his head, legs sprawled out. Kir snorted and raised both her brows at him. She was still trying to get used to his random actions. She was pretty used to them now, which was good. She knew when to expect them sometimes also.
"Nothing." Sirius said after a couple minutes of silence. "Just felt like smiling. You know, a smile is the most beautiful expression a girl like you has." At this he propped himself up on his elbows and looked at her. "Especially you." he said and plopped back down on the grass, his arms under his head again.
Kir obviously couldn't stop the hot flush from comming to her cheeks. It was a sweet thing. In fact, one of the sweetest things that she'd heard really come out of this guys mouth. She'd even, dare she think it, taken a slight liking to him.
Kir lay down on the grass next to Sirius, arms folded under her head, and legs sprawled out, but neatly, and sighed. This was something she could get used to. It was something only her and Lily did, and still, it was very rarely. She really needed to spend more time with Lily. Here and there, she'd start to lose the connection that she'd had with Lily. It was gradual, but happening. Kir would sometimes slunk off to the more well known of the girls in Hogwarts, thinking maybe she'd have more friends. Honestly, after being Lily's friend for years, she'd noticed changes.
The first 6 years were great, and Lily was pretty well known. But by the end of 6th year, Lily had started getting softer, and when she came back at the begining of 7th, she was like a snail that lost it's shell. No one talked to her anymore, and she just became as focused as she could on being alone. Unless she was hanging out with Kir. Kir had stood by her for a long time now, but she'd also taken her share of lost friends. Most people that didn't hang out with Lily, didn't want to hang out with Lily's best friend. That would be Kir.
So, lately Kir had kept herself low. Away from other people and more time for Lily. She'd realized she'd neglected her for a while, and only a week or so ago had things sparked up again between the two. It was amazing how much you could loose in so little time. Kir sighed thinking about this. When she felt reality sink slowly but surely back to her, she looked over at Sirius. The corner of her mouth twitched up into a small smile. This whole day she'd been with him, and he'd been nothing but a fun, funny guy. Someone she really started to like.
Kir's eyelids felt heavy, so she gently closed them. Thats when Sirius noticed she was sleeping. He smiled at her still form and opened his mouth to say something. He closed it, and started again.
"You know," he started in a softer voice than usual, "Your probobly one of the only other people I can share things with. Yeah, James is really nice talking to, and he knows what I'm going through, and Remus knows too, he's got ... a monthly thing. Not in that way though. Its more of a hairy problem than a girly problem." he said and snorted a laugh softly.
"I'll go home though, over the summer that is," Sirius started again, back into a soft, almost solumn tone. "and I'll be in my room most of my time. I don't talk to Bella, oh no, you can see that just from school. I don't talk to Regulus. I can't. He's not like me. None of my family is like me. Maybe Andromeda, but she still has her mindset. My mindset is very different that my family's. They don't respect it and I've come home to a fist, a palm, and a foot in my face or accross my back. I don't know if you know what I'm saying, or even understand it." he stopped and looked down at Kir.
"But, I don't think I know such soft emotion. I think thats why I'm the way I am to girls. To people." he said and paused. Taking a shaky breath in, he went on. "I want to go home, just once, and be greeted by two warm arms, not two cold hands accross my face. Why can't I get that? What makes everyone else so special?" he asked feeling something burn at his eye. He blinked it away, before that small tear fell, and swallowed. Sighing deeply, he looked back down at Kir.
"Maybe I'll actually tell you when your not unconsious." he said and moved the long black hair away from Kir's eyes. He closed his eyes and his head, after nearly 4 minutes, fell a bit to the right, and he was asleep.
Kir's eyes fluttered open. She looked up at Sirius' sleeping face and felt a tear well up in each eye for him. She pulled herself up so she was looking down at him, and put a chilly hand against his face. "You can have that. You will have that." she said and let one tear fall down her cheek. She rested her head on his shoulder and stared up at the now dark, dark blue sky. "I promise."
How did you like it? I told you, that it may have taken a while, but I came back with a bang:) I hope you like it. Please R&R. I'd greatly appreciate it.
Thanks.