Drink Up Me Hearties Yo Ho

The TARDIS was wobbling dangerously and all her systems were blinking and screaming. Inside her control room Gillian and Jennifer clung desperately to the railings as the Doctor darted about, pushing buttons and generally trying to control the chaos.

"What's happening?" yelled Gillian above the noise.

"It's the navigation system!" shouted the Doctor. "Something's come loose. I'll have to put her on automatic land!"

"What does that mean?"

"She latches on to somewhere she's been before. The nearest point and brings us down!" As he shouted this last there was a almighty thump and everything stopped.

When their ears had stopped ringing the Doctor tapped the clock on the control panel.

"Out," he muttered, "oh well. Best take a look outside and see where we are."

The three of them headed for the exit but when the Doctor pulled the door open they were met with a forest of rather sharp swords all pointing in their direction.

"Ah," said the Doctor, somewhat perplexed, "right then."

"My dear old Doctor," came a rough voice from the sea of metal before them, "it's not that I don't enjoy your occasional visits but I'd appreciate it in future if you didn't land your bloody great blue box on my pretty ship. Ruins the paintwork you see."

"Jack!" exclaimed the Doctor happily as the swords parted and a man came forward. He was of medium height and heavily tanned with long dark dreadlocks decorated with strings of beads and held back from his face with a red bandanna beneath a leather tri-corn hat. He wore a similar leather coat, a blousy white shirt and knee high leather boots with huge turn-ups. At his waist there was a short straight sword and a nasty looking pistol. Even without an eye-patch , a parrot or a wooden leg they could see this man was clearly a pirate; and he was smiling at them.

"Jack well this is just fantastic!" The Doctor was clearly overjoyed. "But um do you think you could maybe get your friends to put their swords down?"

"Of course. Put 'em down lads, it's just the Doctor." The swords were lowered to reveal a number of dirty and toothless faces. "But what may I ask are you doing here this time?"

The Doctor patted the blue wall of the TARDIS.

"The old girl went sour on me in the middle of a wormhole, had to do an emergency landing."

"I see. And who might these two lovely ladies be?"

The Doctor suddenly remembered the girls peering over his shoulder.

"Of course. Jack meet Gillian and Jennifer. Girls this is Captain Jack Sparrow the best pirate in the Spanish Maine!"

The pirate captain's eyes smouldered like hot coals.

"It's a pleasure," he murmured, "My first-mate Mr Gibbs would have me believe that women on board ship are bad luck, but personally I've always found them rather diverting. Care to join me for a drink?"

The girls looked at the Doctor who was grinning manically and motioning them to follow Jack. The pirate led them towards the back of the ship and into a room below the upper deck. This was a well furnished cabin with a long oaken table at which he seated them all before digging into a cabinet and pulling out several bottles and tankards.

"The first time I met Jack," the Doctor was saying, "he was stranded on some tiny fleck of sand and foliage that passes for an island out here. We had a rather pleasant time going through the rum cache he had found then I helped him escape."

"How?" questioned Jennifer.

"Well when the rum runners turned up looking for their stuff I gave them some useful stock information in return for not shooting Jack."

"They have a stock market?"

"No but after I explained it to them they were a little confused and agreed to take him anyway."

"What's that?" asked Gillian looking surreptitiously at the brownish liquid in the bottles Jack was setting on the table.

"Rum," answered Jack, "what else?"

"Um you don't have any beer or anything do you?" asked Gillian, still eyeing the bottles.

"Beer," said Jack reeling somewhat as though she had said something heinous, "is the tipple of rich country gents, sat in the plush tap-rooms of the local inn on their rolling county estates. This is the Caribbean."

"Well I love the stuff," said Jennifer cheerily, "but do you have any water?"

"Why?"

"Cos straight I can hardly finish a glass but watered down a little I can drink bottles of the stuff."

"Then raise your flagon pretty lady," he whispered softly, leaning over her shoulder and pressing his lips to her ear.

"I think I'll go take a look at the TARDIS." said the Doctor, grinning quietly. He knew Jack Sparrow was dangerous but he also knew he was a good man. The girls were safe, well, relatively safe anyway. He slipped out of the cabin and back across the deck when a woman stopped him. She was dark and slim with long black hair and she was glaring at him slightly.

"So you're back again?" she said in a soft Caribbean accent.

"Ah, Anna-Maria, how are you?"

"Not bad. But I didn't think Jack would let you back on the Pearl after last time." She cast a flirtatious look at him from beneath her lashes and pressed against him in the full knowledge that Jack was occupied elsewhere.

"Does Jack know about last time?" he asked with slight worry in his voice. Anna-Maria laughed and gave him a shove.

"Of course not. You want some help with your ship?"

"I could use a hand."

"Okay then." She pulled him back towards the TARDIS by the front of his jacket, both of them grinning.

Jennifer wandered out of Jack's cabin. They had been on the ship for two or three hours by now and she was finding the enclosed space a little stuffy. She stood out on the deck for a couple of minutes letting the sea air wash over her and cool her down. She watched the crew climbing the rigging like ants. The cool air cured the slightly light-headed feeling she had been having. That was because of the rum, this was strong stuff but she knew how to take it. The trick was to take a certain amount watered down and intersperse it with simple glasses of water. Like that she had gone through two bottles and was still standing. Gillian on the other hand, despite her usual ability to take whatever was being dished out in ample doses had barely finished her first and after taking it straight was already pretty far gone.

Deciding to go and check on the Doctor she headed for the police box in the prow of the boat. As she approached the door a girl came out and smiled at her.

"Is the Doctor in there?" asked Jennifer.

"Sure."

"Thanks."

The Doctor's legs were poking out from beneath the control panel. His coat and jacket were hanging over the nearby rail and there was a buzzing sound coming from where he was lying.

"How's it coming?" she asked, kneeling down beside him. He looked up and smiled at her.

"Good, nearly done."

"Who was that?"

"Anna-Maria. She's one of Jack's crew. The two of them have a… special relationship."

"What? Did he get her pregnant or something?"

"No, he stole her boat."

"Um, okay."

"She doesn't like to talk about it."

"I see."

The Doctor sat up. "How's Gillian?"

"At this moment she's wearing Jack's hat, sitting on his lap and asking to touch his big long pistol." The Doctor smiled at her again.

"That sounds about right. What about you? Do you like him?"

She shrugged, "He's pretty cool."

The Doctor threw back his head and laughed at that.

"You are unbelievable," he told her and she found she was laughing as well.

"Why?"

"Listen, Jack Sparrow is one of these guys that women either adore or can't stand, "pretty cool" is definitely a new one!"

"Well Gillian is definitely in the first category, but what about Anna-Maria?" The Doctor considered for a minute before answering.

"Somewhere in the middle I think."

"Why did you do that?"

"Do what?"

"You twitched!"

"I didn't."

"Yes you did, you twitched when I said Anna-Maria."

"I did not!"

"Yes you did, you just did it again!"

"No I didn't!"

"Anna-Maria. Look you did it again! Oh my God," she began to role about laughing, "you had a fling with Anna-Maria didn't you?" The Doctor blushed.

"There was a lot of rum involved alright. Anyway, you said Gillian and Jack were getting on pretty well?"

Seeing that the Doctor was obviously embarrassed Jennifer relented but she would have to tell Gill later.

"Yeh," she said, getting her giggles under control, "there's definitely something about slim brunettes, they obviously make good pirate wenches."

"Nah, Gill's too skinny to be a proper wench. You on the other hand,"

"What about me?" she asked, shocked at what the Doctor was saying.

"Well, you'd make a very good buxom figure-head. Oww!" Jennifer had hit him.

"Fix the damn ship." she told him before collapsing into giggles again.

Gillian was indeed wearing Jack's hat and ensconced on his lap admiring the old pistol he had given her out of his belt. She was feeling ever so slightly tipsy and was having to keep quite a tight hold on the Captain to stop herself falling over in the spinning room.

"Oooo, it's so pretty," she cooed. "I've got a boyfriend in the navy you know."

"Have you love, that's nice. And tell me has this man of yours ever caught a pirate?" Gillian thought for a while, her head cocked on one side.

"Don't think so," she said after a while.

"What a pity. And have you ever considered turning pirate yourself?"

"Could I?"

"Of course, you'll need a name though, a really good pirate name."

"Oo, what about…," she thought again, "Red Handed Gill! Yeh that sounds good."

"Red Handed Gill it is then," Jack whispered as his brown hands darted around her waist and he flashed her a gold-toothed grin to which she pouted in return.

"So can I come and sail with you then?" she asked.

"Oh absolutely love, I know just the job for you too."

Jack didn't even have to move. Gillian swooped forward drunkenly and planted a kiss right on his mouth. However after a minute or so she realised that she couldn't move backwards, Jack was holding her firmly in place. Shrugging to herself she opened her mouth letting his tongue run over her teeth. For a second a vision of Kev flashed in front of her eyes but she ignored it. The rules of cheating clearly stated that if you cheated in a different time zone then it didn't count and three hundred odd years was definitely a different time zone. It was as Jack began to reach under her shirt to her bare back that there was a loud bang and the Doctor was suddenly in the room.

"Well would you look at the time, we have to be going. Come on Gill."

She was plucked unwillingly from the pirate captain's lap, and dragged out into the warm Caribbean sunshine after replacing the Captain's hat. Jennifer was standing by the door of the TARDIS, smirking. As Gillian was pulled inside Jennifer reached out and plucked the half empty rum bottle from her unresisting fingers.

"See you next time Jack," chirruped the Doctor as the pirates gathered round to watch him leave.

"Any time Doc." He gave a mock little bow and winked at the girls. "A pleasure ladies."

And with that they were gone.

Inside the TARDIS the Doctor was frowning at Gillian who was slumped in a corner.

"We can't take her home in that condition," he muttered. Jennifer took a deep swig from the confiscated bottle and shrugged.

"What, a drunken horny Gillian, no one'll notice any difference." They both laughed, that was until Gillian began to vomit all over the control room. After that no one was laughing anymore.