I'm back! Sorry for the long wait, I was pretty sick for over two weeks. I made a stupid mistake and went cold turkey with Mirtazapin, a strong anti-depressant. Dumb idea, I was pretty damn fucked for a long time. Sadly, I couldn't get hold of my Beta-Reader after the two weeks of pure hell up until now. I hope he is all right. But I didn't want you to wait any longer, so here is the next chapter, this time not beta read.

The raven-haired boy sat in the bed and just stared out the window. His fingers played with Dawn's feathers absentminded. She was still sleeping tight, emitting warmth like a small feathered hot-water-bottle.

"Harry?" Sirius's voice was a little strained a little. He placed his hand on Harry's knee-shaking it slightly.

"Harry." He said again in a concerned tone. Harry slowly turned his head, staring at his godfather. Sirius looked awful. The hours of stress had caught up with him quite a lot.

"Harry." He said a third time, not sure his godson really actively recognised him. "We should talk about this." He said with a strained voice.

Harry shook his head slowly but still said nothing. His eyes trailed the clouds that drifted by outside. His mind felt empty and he felt so so tired.

Sirius scooted closer with his chair, the smart dark green robes thrown over the backrest. He picked Harry's free hand, rubbing over it.

"Harry, please. I know this is a lot, but this..." Sirius free hand grasped the air helplessly. He had no idea what to tell his godson. This. This was one of the situations he had no idea how James could ever have thought he could handle in any way or form when he made the Animagus Harry's godfather. Harry was hurt and disturbed. He could see that, but he had no idea what to say or do because to be true he was disturbed himself. For years he had grasped onto this idea, that Voldemort had come after Lily und James because they haltered his advance, fought valiantly and stopped him on more than one occasion. That their resistance was of value, on such a great scale that the Dark Lord had dedicated quite a bit of his time and effort into ending them. It was a bitter idea, but at the same time, it had made him proud, so proud, to think his friends hurt the monster, fought it so hard, they had dangered it. It made their fight more glorious and also their deaths of more note.

Now he knew it wasn't that way. That Voldemort didn't come after them, because they were such great fighters or their resistance was a serious problem for him. He came for them just because of this raven-haired boy. Because of their child. He came for them, because he needed Harry, like a piece of kindle for his fire. They weren't the frontline against their greatest foe, they were mere nuisances.

And, and there Sirius thoughts turned to soar, if Harry hadn't been his polar, his best friend might still life, the girl that had been the sister he never had, might still be alive. Those two cornerstones of the world would still be around with a certain amount of chance. Maybe...maybe he wouldn't have gone to Azkaban if they had been still around. They had known about Peter. Of course, they had.

They would still be here. They would have lots more children by now that was for certain, even while in hiding they spoke about siblings for Harry. They didn't want him to grow up alone. They would spend their Christmas together, together under the tree, Sirius himself the funloving uncle. They would have sent the children to their first year of Hogwarts, Sirius and James secretly trying to set them up for mischieve, while Lily would have tried to bust them for it. They would have spent the weekends at Quidditch games or fun vacations. Scaring the first boyfriend of a potential daughter, encouraging the boys to go and find themselves a girlfriend. He and James would drink late in the night, not him alone, in front of a lonely fire. Lily would laugh at his antics, or shake her head as she did back in the day. He just knew it would have been a wonderful life. All this didn't happen, because Voldemort went after Harry. Sirius gritted his teeth at that thought.

He couldn't say that, no he couldn't even THINK that. This was not Harry's fault! He wasn't at fault for his parent's murder, he had been an infant. He didn't want to be born Voldemorts polar. His godson didn't want to be the focus of the damn Dark Lord. He shouldn't blame him for that, no he just couldn't.

"This is not over Harry. We get this right, I promise. He will not get you. Only over my dead body!" He squeezed Harry's knee and the boy looked finally over, but there was only tiredness and sadness in those. Sirius looked into them and saw that his words didn't make his godson feel any better. There was a pain inside of him, that Sirius couldn't bear to see. His beloved godson looked utterly defeated and miserable. But before he could say more, the doors of the Hospital Wing opened.

The older man turned his head, seeing Harry's friends hurry inside, trailed by Narcissa. Hermione still wore a jumper with the Gryffindor lion on the front, that showed her support for Harry during the First Task. Neville and Susan both wore a red and golden scarf around their necks, which flittered while they almost jogged through the room. It was a contrast to Narcissa's dark blue robes and her much more reserved pace.

"Harry!" The three called out reaching Harry's bed. Their friend looked horrible. Tired and strained, his eyes slowly turning towards them, with sadness in them. It was clear that something has happened to him, but the most obvious sign, at least for Hermione was resting on his chest. Even though Dawn had opened her eyes for a moment, turning her head towards them, she didn't bat her wings or cooed or even flew to her to greet the bushy-haired girl. Instead, she huddled closer to Harry's chest nuzzling it with her small head. The boy brushed over her back before he nodded towards them. Sirius pulled a little back, moving to the side of his cousin. Even though he wanted to stay close, Harry would need his friends as well.

"Hey, guys." Harry said with some kind of an empty voice. Hermione took the place Sirius had just left, sitting down next to her friend.

"Oh god Harry, we were so worried. Are you okay? Are you hurt? What happened? Where did you go? Is Dawn all right? She looks so tired."

"Damn Herms, let him answer at least one question." Susan snipped from the side with a role of her eyes. Ever so slightly, Harry felt himself smiling at the act of his best friend. He nodded.

"I'm okay. Dawn is fine, just tired." The first words he had said since Dumbeldore had spoken with him. His voice felt weird for him, like something alien. He looked down at her, sneaking his finger under her beak and tickled slightly. Dawn closed her eyes a little happy and raised her chin for him so he could reach her favourite tickle space better. A very quiet coo came from her.

Hermione nodded, carefully reaching out and brushing her fingers through black feathers. Her link with the black bird was way WAY weaker than Harry's but still, the need to touch the cute creature was overwhelming sometimes. Still, she noticed the way Harry flinched slightly, even when she, his best friend, reached out to him ever so slightly.

Inside of her, she sighed ever so slightly. Harry had been like this long ago when they first met, not used for someone to reach out to him with something else than ill intent. He had been too much marked by the Dursleys and their treatment for him to really react any other way. It had taken her almost the entire first year of slow and careful "training" so she could hug Harry without him stiffening or flinching away. Of course, the boy had no idea that she had noticed and tried to help him out of that state of mind. She had never mentioned it because for one she didn't want to embarrass him and also in her opinion that was what friends did for each other. Ron didn't need to be told to defend her against Malfoy and his slurs, Harry didn't need someone telling him to tell her to go to bed when she read way to long and her eyes were dropping down in sleepiness. The same way she didn't need to be told to help her friend with his problems. That was what friends did.

So when he flinched away, when he raised his hand slightly to protect Dawn from the reaching hand, she couldn't help to think back to the time when they got to know each other, to the troll.

"What happend Harry?" She asked carefully, leaning very slowly closer, not wanting to spook him. Harry said nothing for almost twenty seconds before he shook his head slightly.

"I...Gryph is dead." He simply said, staring down at his familiar. He couldn't look up, couldn't look at all the people in this room. Hermione raised her hand, covering her mouth. Maybe more than any other in the room she knew what the small snake had meant to Harry. She reached out, taking Harry's hand, again ignoring the slight flinch.

"Oh god Harry, I'm so sorry, that is horrible. How?"

Harry turned his head to her, now slight tears in his eyes, but also anger.

"Voldemort." He spat out, ignoring the flinch from all others in the room. "He tried to protect me and...he died, like...like..." He couldn't say it but all knew what he wanted to say.

My parents.

Hermione felt sympathetic tears roll down her cheeks and she leaned closer, putting her arms around his neck, pulling him closer, hugging him. She felt Dawn huddle closer between the two. Hermione's finger curled in his neck. She pulled back after a moment.

Neville feeling a little uncomfortable and not sure what to say patted him on the shoulder. "Sorry mate." She mumbled. Susan nodded slowly.

"Yeah, that...sucks." Her fingers pushed her vibrant blue hair behind her ear, nodding solemnly. She wasn't one for all this mushy stuff and hugs and all.

Harry actually smiled slightly nodding at his two friends. "Thank you, guys."

Hermione nodded too, her hand still on Harry's shoulder. "Sure thing Harry. Do you want to talk about?"

He shook his head. "No." For a moment it was quiet while all his friends just nodded. Narcissa and Sirius watched from the sideline. The tall thin woman held onto Sirius's forearm to make sure he wouldn't storm over at the sadness of his godson. For once she thought it would be better for him to stay here, to let Harry's friends handle it.

Finally, Harry broke the silence, his emerald eyes trailing over his friends.

"What happened here while I was gone?"

Hermione looked over at their friends and Neville nodded, stepping a little closer.

"Well, after you, uhm well, after you were gone it was mostly confusion. A lot of people were first not sure if it was part of the tournament and waited for something to happen. When Dumbeldore started waving his wand around, most people realieced something was wrong. You know people whispered and in about two minutes the rumour mill broke loose."

Harry grunted at that. "Great, exactly what I wanted."

Susan snorted at that. "Oh, come on Peverell, like you would have expected something different. This is Hogwarts, but not all is bad. Most think you used some uber spell, one even Dumbledore didn't know."

Harry looked over at the blue-haired girl for a moment. She just shrugged.

Neville continued. "Well anyway after some time, Dumbeldore spoke with Professor McGonagall who in turn informed us to return to our houses. The students from Germany and Japan went to their respective quarters and well we waited until she came and informed us of your return. Hermione went here and I went fetching Su. We,...uhm...ran in a little problem on the way."

Harry raised an eyebrow and Neville flushed, looking at the girl. Susan groaned, shaking her head.

"We ran into aunti on the way here." She simply stated.

Harry blinked, tilting his head in confusion. Susan groaned, taking a few of her blue fringes between her fingers, showing those off.

"Let's say she wasn't happy when she saw me. I may or may not have failed to forget to tell her about my new hairstyle and she had a few things to say about the choice in colour and length. I think the only reason I got away from a long and though dressing down by the fact that she was on the run. Still, I expect a Howler before the end of the week about this." She shrugged. Harry nodded, a slight smirk on his face.

For a while, they sat there, just talking a little bit. But even though they saw this, Hermione, Neville and Susan couldn't coax Harry out of his mood. He mostly was quiet, listening to them, before his eyes drifted away again, looking out of the window. It worried all three of them, but when they asked about it he just said, he didn't want to talk about it.

Finally, Madam Pomfrey said visiting hours were almost over. Hermione hugged Harry warmly, once again feeling the flinch in him with a little hurt. Neville clapped him on his shoulder and Susan gave him a fist bump, saying he should get out of the wing soon or he would miss her Howler. Harry nodded and tried to smile at the others.

Then it was only Sirius and Narcissa. The man in the emerald robes stepped closer sitting in the chair he had formerly occupied. He leaned a little closer.

"We will get there. He will not get you, I will not allow it." He squeezed his shoulder once more. Harry nodded, clearly only barely listening. Sirius looked up to Narcissa, trying to find some help in her, maybe she knew what to do or to say, but the tall thin woman just shook her head, placing her hand on Sirius's shoulder. The man stood, before leaning over the bed hugging his godson.

"We have to go too, sorry. I tried to talk Madam Pomfrey into letting us stay, but she said you needed rest. On the bright side, tomorrow you can return to your dorm. Do you want us to come by tomorrow morning?" He meant it, even if Harry was only here for a few hours he would come by. But the boy only shook his head, his eyes for a short time looking up at him.

"No Padfoot, it's okay." He mumbled. Narcissa leaned down too, hugging him all the same. Like Sirius, she felt the stiffness in Harry. Her hand brushed over the small of his back and Harry gave her a weak smile. He nodded once to them and reluctantly Sirius and Narcissa left the room, more than once turning to the boy.

The doors closed with a loud sound and quiet fell over the room. For a moment Harry stared at the closed door, that his family just left through. Then he sighed, sliding down in the bed. He had tried his hardest to hold it all together with the others around. He had tried to not make them worry, but he was sure it didn't work. They must have noticed. His eyes found the golden orbs of his familiar, who sat on his chest, looking at him.

Uncertainty and worry seeped throught their bond and while he had tried to hide his thoughts from his friends, Sirius and Narcissa, he couldn't hid them from his familiar. Not fear of Voldemort. Even though he was somewhat fearful of the murderer, while he never wanted to see him again ever, not think about him and even though he made him shiver, that wasn't the most dominant feeling.

It was guilt.

He felt so terribly guilty, he couldn't bear it. Whenever someone was close to him, they got hurt. Ron, even though they were estranged right now, the first year, because Harry had tried to be the hero he got hurt on the chess field. Sirius hurt him because of Pettigrew, near Harry. His sister, Ginny had been targeted because of Harry. Ginny, he knew had to this day nightmares from the chamber. Sirius himself, he got involved in the whole thing because he was in the way of Voldemort on his way to Harry. Hermione got petrified because she was in school with Harry. Not to speak of the close calls of how many times people could have died just because Voldemort wanted to get his hands on Harry.

People had died. His father, protecting their home. He knew his dad had fought to keep Voldemort away, a valiant but fruitless endeavour. His mum had sacrificed her own life, stood in front of his crib, just so he could live. He knew she had the chance to step aside, she didn't need to die. So it was because of Harry that she died.

And now Gryph. He didn't need to die. He didn't even have to be there. He could have been safe at home, but Harry had simply picked him up in reflex, not realising he would bring him to the task. And like Mum, he had died to protect him. Him. For him, they had laid down their lives and he couldn't feel anything than guilty about it. Why for someone like him did they do that? He wasn't special, he was a...

Burden.

A voice in the back of his mind whispered it. Even though he knew it was the voice of Uncle Vernon he couldn't push it away. For the first time in his life, he couldn't help but agree. He was a burden to all those around him.

It was his fault people died all the time. It was his fault people suffered around him. His recklessness, his idiocy...his polar being.

Harry pulled Dawn even closer to himself, burying his nose in her feathers, breathing in her familiar smell and scent. Normally it helped him calm like nothing other.

Also, Black feathers don't show tears.

The next day was weird for Harry. It felt on some level normal. People starring at him like he was some kind of art project wasn't new to him. Quite frankly he was used to it. It wasn't new that they would whisper when he passed. For once in his life he didn't even care. He couldn't bring himself to care. Should they stare, should they talk, he didn't care the least bit about it. Still, he didn't go to the common room, not wanting to deal with his friends right now. Being alone sounded better at that moment, so he turned at the foot of the stairs and walked out, onto the grounds.

The weather wasn't the best, mostly strong wind and grey clouds were hiding the sun, but it felt right to Harry. It was a little depressing and sad, exactly the kind of weather he felt for right now. He walked, Dawn on his shoulder over the grass, not really looking where he was going. He was lost in his thoughts even though he thought about nothing really, only trying to stay away from any spot that reminded him of Gryph. His hands were buried in his pockets, while he trotted down the grassy slops, before sitting down at the lake. Harry wore a thick grey coat with fur lining and a scar, adored with the Peverell sigil. Kreacher had brought him the clothes in the morning, so he wouldn't have to go to the Gryffindor tower.

There he would sit, staring out onto the lake, not speaking not thinking. He felt just empty. Dawn had huddled into his lap and warmed him with her warmth. Even though the weather was cold, she was still like a small hot-water bottle, keeping him far from freezing. She was quiet too, not chirping as she did so often, not cooing like she was talking to him. Harry felt through their bond that she was sad too.

Even though she was still young and a phoenix, Dawn understood that Gryph would never come back. She knew that he had died. He was her playmate, no matter how grumpy he wasn and disliked her pulling his tail, she thought of him as something akin to a brood sibling. For him to be gone hung heavy around the small creature's heart and her pain made itself known through the bond.

Harry sighed, rubbing comforting circles between the base of her wings. Dawn made a silent cooing sound at that.

"Lord Peverell?" A female voice from the side asked. Harry looked over, seeing Daphne Greengrass standing there to the side. She wore a dark green coat and a matching hat. Her blond hair braided like so often, hanging over her shoulder and the hands were hidden in a fur muff, made from a black pelt. Even though she was huddled in thick clothes, her nose was slightly red from the cold. Under normal circumstances, Harry would have sniggered slightly. The ice queen of Slytherin looked a little cold.

Instead, he just nodded. He was too tired and drained to really play the whole polite and proper conduct act.

"Daphne." He said quietly. His voice wasn't as formal as it should have been, but even though she probably noticed, Daphne Greengrass said nothing. Instead, she carefully stepped closer, revealing long high heeled boots in the process. She stopped next to him and pulled out her wand. With a swift flick of it, she cleaned the space next to Harry and sat down, her back straight, the chin up. She didn't look at him but stared out onto the lake as well. For almost ten minutes she said nothing until Harry tilted his head to the side.

"What are you doing here Daphne?" Harry asked bluntly. The blond girl tilted her head slightly, looking over at him. It was obvious that she thought it was a stupid question. Or maybe she just thought about what to say. Daphne was so hard to read for Harry. Apart from a few thin spread moment where she showed her emotions, she was so poised and proper all the time, showing none of her feeling that it was hard for Harry to get any read of her. It was almost like talking to a machine.

"I keep you company Lord Peverell." She simply said, before turning to the black water again. Small waves brushed to the shore. Harry frowned.

"Why?" He asked, more confused. Again she looked over, this time it was obvious that she thought he was an idiot. She raised one perfect eyebrow.

"Because, Lord Peverell, it is the proper thing to do. You are the lord of an allied house and have been out here all day by yourself, without Miss Granger, Heiress Bones or Heir Longbottom."

Harry blinked at her then gritted his teeth. "Because we are of allied houses?" He asked, a little angry. The blond girl nodded slowly. Harry glared at her.

"Maybe I want to be alone!" He said forcefully. Daphne didn't even blink once. She simply looked at him.

"Is that your wish Lord Peverell?" She asked.

Harry felt the anger inside of him. This made him so angry, all this political bullshit. Couldn't she be just normal, act like a normal teenager and don't look at him like he was an idiot? Why did she have to act like she was some kind of superior? In the end, he was just some pawn to her, someone she was allied to her. For the last couple of months, he had mostly enjoyed the time spend with her. Her humour had him laugh more often than not. Her intelligence was stimulating when they were discussing different topics. He liked her, but now it all felt like ash in his mouth because that was what happened here in the end. She acted this way with him because it as expected of her. That was what you did with an ally. You kept him company, not because you wanted but because the rules said so.

"Yes, I wish to be alone." He snapped out, turning his head. He heard the ruffling off robes when Daphne got to her feet.

"Very well Lord Peverell. I wish you a good day, Lord Peverell, Dawn." She said, probably curtising. Harry didn't look at her only grunting in acknowledgement. He didn't look at her but stared out onto the lake. After a few moments, her footsteps dissolved in the distance and he was finally alone again. He picked up a stone and threw it into the pond. Then a second, then a third. But the anger in his heart wouldn't go away.

It stayed with him for the rest of the day. It was there when he called for Dobby, asking him with gritted teeth if he could get something to eat, not wanting to go to the Great Hall. The elf was happy to comply, not minding the unfriendly behaviour of the wizard in any shape or form. He had suffered fare greater in the hands of the Malfoys and to be honest, he didn't even notice the difference.

So he brought him a basket full of fruit and roast beef, some mashed potatoes and a bottle of pumpkin juice. There was a glass with caught bugs for Dawn in there too, the only thing Harry really thanked him for. Dobby bowed deep and left them.

Even after the meal, he stayed at the lake. The sky turned from grey to red and from red to dark and still, Harry stayed there. He just sat there in the dark, his mind turning, until a light fell onto him.

"'Arry?" A loud and gruff voice asked. When the boy raised his eyes he saw the tall and broad figure of Hagrid, holding up a lamp with his left. The half-moon was shining behind him, hanging low in the sky. The bearded man stepped closer, leaning down.

"What are ya doing out 'ere? It's way past curfew." There was a frown on his face. Harry looked around, for the first time really aware of the darkness around him. The Forrest behind him creaked and ruffled a little in the wind.

He turned back. "I must have forgotten the time. I was in thought." Harry mumbled, still not moving. Hagrid's face softened a lot when he heard Harry's voice.

"It's all right 'Arry. Dumbledore told me w'at 'append to you. Nasty stuff." Harry didn't respond to that, just nodding slowly. He wasn't moving otherwise, just still staring out onto the lake. Hagrid looked at him for a moment, before he put his hand on Harry's shoulder. Different to Sirius, Narcissa and Hermione, he didn't notice the slight flinch of the dark-haired boy. He pulled slightly.

"Come 'Arry, I bring you back to your dorms." He said gruffly. Harry sighed, before nodding slowly. There was no way of putting this off any longer, he guessed. Placing Dawn on his shoulder, he walked beside Hagrid back to the castle. Moonlight illuminated the slopes and walls. Harry was pleased that he wore his dragon hide boots because the long grass was already wet and would have soaked muggle trainers quite quickly. The walked in silence for quite some time, only the sound of boots on the grass and the ruffling of Dawn's feathers when she adjusted her hold or huddled closer to his face, to rub her small head in his hair.

"W'ere 'Ermoine and the others?" Hagrid asked after a while, his eyes darting down to the young teen. Harry shrugged a little, only to apologise to Dawn because it toppled her stand a little.

"Ya shouldn't be alone at the moment 'Arry." The tall male said as he pushed open the massive main door. Inside it was not warmer, but the wind had stopped and not walking through wet grass was helping with the temperature too. Harry shook his head.

"I wanted to be alone for a while." He mumbled, taking Dawn from his shoulder and burying his fingers in her warm feathers. A small head rubbed itself against his stomach. Hagrid nodded, gesturing to the stairs. Harry nodded too, starting the way to the Gryffindor tower. Again they said nothing until the reached the portrait of the Fat Lady. Hagrid turned to the boy. His face was surprisingly sad.

"'Arry, I know what it is like to lose a friend. Be it human or not. 'm sorry about Gryph." He clapped the raven-haired boy on the shoulder, who gave him a curt smile.

"Thanks, Hagrid." He said quietly. The large man smiled warmly, patting him on the shoulder again before stepping a little back, so the boy could give the password to the portrait. The Fat Lady nodded, swinging open. The hole towards the Gryffindor common room was quiet, most students went to sleep already.

"Goodnight 'Arry." Hagrid said, pulling his hand back. He still had worry in his eyes, but Harry didn't want to see it, didn't want to think about it.

"Night Hagrid." Harry said slipping through the portrait hole. He knew he was lucky Hagrid found him not someone like Snape. That would have been nasty and Harry didn't want to deal with it.

This chapter was really difficult to write. On the one hand I have a lot of people who want to help Harry, everybody in their own way. But Harry is hurt and isn't ready to accept help. This is not a problem that will resolve itself in one chapter. He is an angry, hurt teen and this will turn nasty, I can promise that. There are a lot of wrong decisions ahead of us. There is one decision I debate hard, whether I do it or not, still not sure. It has to do with Dawn.

Also, most people miss understanding Harry's feelings at the moment. That, of course, has to do with him avoiding people but also because they just think that their feelings are what Harry feels. Mostly fear. They are afraid for Harry, fear to lose him and think that fear is also the dominant emotion in our little hero.

Another thing, Hagrid is a HELL to write. I know he has some kind of accent and I tried to recreate it but I learned that I have no idea how to do it, I'm pretty unhappy with it. But on the other hand, I don't want to write him without so it is like Americans trying to speak Scottish I would say.

Dawn's emotions towards Gryph was something I thought about and had no real idea of what to do. On the one hand, she is way more clever than a normal bird, but her emotions are different than human once. She thinks in animal terms and feels that way too. Also as a phoenix, death is a weird concept for her, since this does not occur to her. Still, she is hurt by this, feeling lonely.

A really small detail, but something that I decided quite early and try to get through the entire story.

Muggleborns always say "Oh god." Or something like that while those of wizarding families say "Oh Merlin." I kind of liked the idea and stuck with it but it was one of the things I think no one will notice so I say it here.

Next Chapter: Dreams