It had taken them a little bit of time, but finally, Harry and Sirius calmed down, the tears stopped flowing and the sobs ended. Harry felt weird as he pulled back from his godfather. Yes, he had cried in his presence before but never had he felt so open and vulnerable in the presence of another person. The only he let see more of his emotions was sitting in his lap brushing her feathers with her beak. Harry wasn't totally sure what to do now. While he had cried most of what he said was probably incomprehensible. He took a deep breath, looking down at Dawn.
"'m sorry, Padfoot." He mumbled out, stroking the black bird. "'M sorry that I did this to you, I...I don't know why I did this...just. It...I don't know." He felt his ears heat up a little in embarrassment. Sirius raised his hand and placed it on his godson's shoulder.
"No Harry. I'm sorry. You should have been there for you and wasn't. I promised you and your parents that I would be there for you, but I didn't can you forgive me?"
Harry shook his head slightly. "It's not your fault. I did it. I held the shard, I did it. I just..." He now wasn't looking at Dawn anymore but instead looked out at the curtain by the end of his bed. His finger twirled one of Dawn's longer feathers, who rubbed her back against the palm of his hand, making a soft and quiet coo sound.
Harry's nervousness pulled back and clarity why he did it was coming back to the front of his mind again.
"People die because of me over and over again. Mom, Dad, Gryph, Uncle Vernon and Aunt Petunia probably too. They are all dead because they were near me because Tom wanted to get to me. I just thought this way I would make it impossible for him to ever get what he wants and people wouldn't have to die anymore." He stared out, noticing each fibre on the white curtain, every shadow his eyes slowly followed. It was one of this moment of clearness, that you just sometimes have.
Sirius slowly pulled his hand back, before picking Harry's own hand up with both of his hands. Harry turned his head, seeing the tears in Sirius's eyes. The grey orbs shimmered as Sirius gave him a half sided smile.
"I love you with all my heart Harry. I did so from the moment I laid my eyes on you the first time and this love only grew tenfold. It is this thinking, even if it let you down a dark path, that is the reason for it."
Harry blinked in confusion. "Because I thought." His voice turned to a whisper. "I should kill myself?"
Sirius flinched at his words but he shook his head. "No Harry. Because your heart is so big, that you would give your life so those you love are safe. That you are ready to pay the ultimate price for your friends and family. I am a little surprised you weren't sorted into Hufflepuff. But it is also the bravest decision I have ever witnessed. But there is something you seem to forget."
Harry frowned a little. "What do you mean?"
Sirius smiled, rubbing his thumb over the back of his hand. "This courage is the same courage that James showed when he stood his ground, knowing full well who would come through that door Halloween thirteen years ago. It is the same courage that made Lily step in front of your cot and lay her life down for her child. I didn't know him, but I am pretty sure that Gryph would do it again. That is love, Harry. True, complete love. It can be cruel sometimes and it can be miserable, but it can make us so strong, so courageous that we do things we would never dream of doing. Even if it means that we would lose our life. They all did it for the same reason and it was their decision. They decided themselves. They did it because they loved you so much."
Harry stared at his godfather. "A...and my aunt and uncle? They made it pretty plane they didn't love me." He sat turning his eyes away again.
Sirius sighed nodding. "Yes. They weren't great people, I know. But while they treated you badly, don't forget, that they took you in. I talked with Dumbledore during the summer and he told me something. When he gave you to the Dursleys, he left a letter. A long one. In it, he wrote about the war, what happened to Lily and James and what it meant taking you in. Yes, there were wards there, but Dumbeldore didn't play down the danger what it would mean to take you. And they still did. Whether it was out of the last sliver of love Petunia held for Lily or something else I don't know. I haven't given up hope we will find her, then we can maybe ask. Maybe she didn't know it herself. And there is something else. Amelia told me when they found your Uncle he was still conscious. And did he curse you or the misfortune that had befallen his house? No, even for a cruel man like Vernon Dursley, his last words were that he asked for his wife and child. He managed to stay alive long enough to relay his thoughts for them to anyone."
Sirius raised his free hand and rubbed through his hair. "I know this isn't some secret love they held for you or something like that but what I'm trying to tell you is, love is like a net, connecting us with others and this net is so strong when we hold on to it. Harry, I know you don't think very high about yourself."
Harry winced a little at that. It made him uncomfortable to know others noticed his low self esteem. Sirius continued.
"But I have to break it to you. People like you! Myself, Narcissa, Mooney, Hermione, Neville, the twins, Molly and Arthur, Ginny, Susan, Amelia, Minnie, Andy, Ted, Lord Greengrass, hell you managed that even Kreacher likes you and he normally likes NO-ONE. We all love you being around us, having you near, talk to you, laugh with you, everything. I know Andy said we shouldn't go with something even remotely near guilt and this isn't to guilt-trip you or anything, but I think I can speak for everyone when I say we would all miss you dearly because you are irreplaceable. So to speak clear, please don't do something like that again." Sirius reached out and hugged him again, brushing through his hair. Harry breathed in his godfathers smell and deflated a little bit. The embarrassment what he had done hit him full force but somehow, on the other hand, the words of his godfather gave him this gooey feeling inside. On a rational level, he knew that there are people who liked him, he knew that. But still hearing someone say it, those words he didn't hear often and never when he was a child made him swoon a little. The darkness in his soul retreated a little from those feeling.
"I try Padfoot." He mumbled out. Sirius smiled.
That is more than I hope for." He whispered back while a phoenix rubbed her head against Harry's tummy.
Harry leaned back in the armchair. He was in a room next to the hospital main wing, looking like a nice sitting room, with a burning hearth and wooden flooring. The walls were covered with thick carpets and there was a second chair, empty in front of him. He and Sirius had talked a little more but about none important things like Quidditch and other things like that. They both knew they danced around the heavy talk that was still there between them but none of them knew how to really speak about it. Now he was alone for the first time in hours. Well almost alone. Dawn had rolled up in his lap, sleeping. She seemed really tired all day and only after Sirius had told him, he learned that she had stood vigil over him for almost two days without sleeping, drinking or eating. The latter two were now taken care of and the phoenix was now in blissful slumber, dreaming about something nice, going by her slight twitches and the warm feeling that washed through the bond. He smiled, rubbing her cheek.
The sound of a door opening pulled Harry from the thoughts. He turned when someone stepped into the room. Closing the door behind herself, Andromeda Tonks walked over. She wore a simple grey robe that did nothing to conceil her trademark Black beauty. She had a notepad with her as well as to Harry's surprise a ballpen. But he remembered Ted was muggle-born and would have probably brought those to his wife's attention. She sat down with a soft smile on her face, looking him straight in the eyes.
"Hello, Harry." She said simply, looking at him.
"Uhm, hello Miss Tonks." He answered, not sure what to say. She nodded slightly.
"Andromeda or Andy is fine, Harry. Now I take it the little girl is quite tired right?" She looked down at the black phoenix. Harry smiled a little.
"Yeah, she watched over me the whole time." He felt so sorry he put Dawn through that. Or Sirius. Or Narcissa. Or Hermione. Or-
"Then I will try to talk not to loud to not wake her up okay?" Andromeda said with a slight wink, making Harry nod and smile.
"Thanks." He simply said, continuing his petting of the sleeping feather ball. Andromeda leaned back, picking up a steaming mug of tea that sat on a small table next to her seat. Harry had his own, even though untouched. She drank a sip, showing in her posture and grace the education of house Black. Finally, she sat it down.
"Now Harry...How about you tell me what you think we should do? How does that sound?"
Harry blinked a little surprised. "Shouldn't you tell me what we are going to do?" He asked confused. Andromeda smiled shaking her head.
"You would think that would be the case but no. There is only one rule and one rule alone while we are in this room. You have to be comfortable with what we are doing. I would say the easiest way for that to come to be is that you tell me what you think we should do don't you think?"
Harry frowned thinking for a moment. Then he looked down. "I...I'm here so I don't do something stupid like that ever again." He mumbled out. He didn't need to elaborate on it. Andromeda tilted her head slightly.
"And why would that be?" She asked, still completely calm. Harry raised an eyebrow.
"Well, I..." And he was at a loss. Yeah, why exactly. "Because...I don't...I don't want to die?" He said in an uncertain tone. Andromeda raised an eyebrow as well.
"That sounded more like you asked me than telling me, don't you think?" She asked. Harry frowned.
"But Sirius wants me to do this. I mean he obviously told you." At this Andromeda raised her hand.
"I will stop you there. I think there is a thing I should tell you. While he told me a thing or two, this is not about Sirius. Sirius might be my head of the house, my lord and one of the richest people in the world, but in this very room, that means nothing. This is you and me and in the time when we are in this room or meet somewhere else if you are more comfortable somewhere else, there is no one in the world that matters to me other than you. I will not tell him or anyone else about anything we talk about in here. I won't force you to do anything."
Harry blinked again in surprise. "I can just leave?"
Andromeda nodded. "Yes you can, if you want to. If you are now or at any point not comfortable with me, you can leave. Do you want to leave?"
For a moment Harry eyed the door before shaking his head. "No."
Andy nodded again, writing something down. "Okay, let's start over. What do you want to do?"
Harry stared at her for a moment, thinking. "I would like to talk." His fingers brushed through Dawn's feathers.
"What about?" Andromeda answered her hands folded. Harry bit his lip.
"I'm not sure." He confessed. Andromeda nodded.
"Do you want me to ask a few questions?"
Harry latched on to that nodding. Andromeda nodded again.
"Okay, well Harry, how about you tell me about the way you feel towards Dawn?" She pointed down at the bird. Harry was again surprised.
"Dawn?" He asked and Andromeda nodded with a soft smile. Harry frowned.
"Well she...uhm..." He looked down. " She is a phoenix and my familiar. We...I don't know share a bond."
Andromeda nodded intrigued. "She is very lovely. What is it like having a bond with a familiar?"
Harry looked still down at Dawn. "It is amazing. It feels like there is always someone there for me, always making me smile. She knows my feelings before I do myself and just the love that comes from her is so amazing. She is barely angry with me, I can't really be angry at her, it is just like a...like a mirror in my heart that is just there. I don't know I can't describe it, but I am really lucky that I have her in my life." The small phoenix opened one eye looking up at him, woken by the strong feeling that rushed through their bond. Harry smiled and rubbed her forehead, earning a soft coo before she fell asleep again. Andromeda smiled as well.
"That sounds lovely." Harry nodded in agreement.
"What about Sirius? What can you tell me about him?" She asked, writing something down. Harry frowned a little.
"You know him. What do I tell you that you don't already know?" He asked. Andromeda smiled.
"Harry, the Sirius you know and the Sirius I know are very different people. Don't forget I have seen Sirius maybe four times since his release. Also, he might be a totally different person to you than to me. What is the first word that comes to your mind when you think of him?"
Harry thought for a moment. "Careless...no that doesn't fit right. Funny is also not...goofy. That might fit. But no...hrmm loyal. Closer...there is this feeling Dawn has sometimes that I feel from her I don't know the word for when she wants me to wake up at morning and jumps all over me. It is warm and love-filled but also mischievous but I know she doesn't mean ill. That feeling, that describes Sirius best in my eyes at least when he is with others."
"And with you?"
Harry thought for a moment, then lowered his gaze. "He...When Sirius is around that feels like I imagine it is like to...to have parents." He mumbled out, blushing a little. Andromeda smiled a little.
"What do you think Sirius would say if I asked him the same question about you? Don't worry like I said I will not tell him."
Harry blushed a little more, frowning. "I don't know. I...He told me today that I am very brave." He said the first thing that came to his mind. Andromeda nodded.
"And do you think you are brave?"
Harry looked over unsure. "I guess. I mean I am in Gryffindor after all." He said with a shrug. Andromeda tilted her head slightly.
"But the hat put you there. What would you say yourself?"
Harry frowned, then shivered a little. "I don't think I'm very brave." He admitted. Andromeda tilted her head to the other side.
"Why do you think that? I heard you slew a Basilisk at age 12after going down to the chamber of secrets alone." Harry tinted slightly more red in embarrassment.
"Yeah, but I was so afraid the entire time I had no idea what I was doing. Mostly Fawkes did all the work I just...i don't know I just went down there because he had Ginny."
Andromeda nodded. "Your girlfriend."
Suddenly Harry felt very uncomfortable with adults knowing Ginny was his girlfriend. He had no idea why though.
"Not then that was just recently...I don't know I think everybody would have done the same in my place. I'm nothing special really." Andromeda smiled.
"Maybe, maybe not. I will not judge. And still you did those things, wouldn't that make you brave?"
Harry felt a little bit angry. Why couldn't she just leave it be.
"Brave people don't try to kill themselves!" He yelled out, instantly flinching at his outburst. Dawn fluttered her wings at the noise, tchirping a little. Quickly Harry turned to her, nuzzling her chin and trying to coax her back to sleep. Andromeda all the while sat there, waiting with patience. She hadn't flinched or moved in any way as he yelled at her. Harry looked up. "S-sorry." He mumbled out, returning to Dawn. Andromeda nodded.
"Don't worry. Emotions, even anger are normal and okay. So don't worry about it."
Harry nodded, still rubbing Dawn, unable to look up. Andromeda waited for a few seconds.
"Harry?" She asked in a quiet patient voice. He looked up.
"What you did is not something that makes you less of a person. You were placed in a impossible situation, a lot of pressure weighing down on you and then getting those news. You saw only one way out of that situation. That is something. What made you think there was no other way?"
Harry frowned, looking down. His mind spinning back to that day, to the crushing guilt and the responsibility.
"I..I don't know. It just...When Sirius told me about Uncle Ver...about the Dursleys and that they died because of me I...I don't know. It is my fault they are dead and...I don't know." His eyes stung again.
Andromeda tilted her head slightly. "Why do you think that this is your fault? You weren't there." Harry shook his head.
"No but...but it is still my fault!" He ground out. Andromeda didn't move at the little aggression.
"Yet you didn't choose to live there. You didn't kill them, you didn't lead them to their door."
Harry glared at the woman who was picking at his emotions without moving a muscle in her face.
"Yeah, but Tom...Voldemort." To Andromedas credit she flinched only a little at the name. "Wanted me. His people came there because of me. Because they are related to me..."
Andromeda tilted her head slightly. "Because of the polar thing?"
Harry blinked at her in shock and surprise.
"How do you?" He trailed off still in surprise. Andromeda smiled.
"Sirius told me. Don't worry, my mental shields are like a fortress and my healer oaths protect me too. Your secret is safe with me. Now, is it because of that?"
Harry nodded. "Yes. Ever time he came after me it was because of that. Because I'm his polar he killed Mom...and Dad, and Gryph and even my aunt and uncle."
Andromeda raised her eyebrow. "And so you thought you should end it, so he can't get to you and thereby hurt others?"
Harry nodded, his hands balled.
Andromeda smiled. "Harry I must say, you are the most astonishing person I have ever seen. Ready to be a martyr for the entire world is something incredibly selfless. Not that it would have worked but still, the thought is admirable."
Harry frowned. "What do you mean not have worked?"
Andromeda sighed a little. "Harry, you know I grew up in the Black family. I have read more about dark magic, rituals and other...unpleasant things than you can think off. And even though the polar ritual would have been a pretty strong boost for him, there are countless other methods that would have also got him power beyond measure."
Harry frowned even more. "And why is he then still after me?"
Andromeda raised her eyes again, shrugging. "I don't know you-know-whos thoughts. My guess? He is a soar loser." Harry raised his eyebrows in surprise. Even though most hate him and more, people still held Voldemort in a glorified state of fear. Like they were afraid his wrath would smite them if they downplayed at him. For Andromeda to speak in such disregard about him was surprising.
"He has lost to you, not once, but multiple times. I think all counted together, you have bested him more often than anyone in the world and I include the headmaster in this account. He is like a bull that only sees the red cloth. That makes him blind to other approaches of power."
Harry stared at her while his mind tried to keep up. "I have never asked. How often did the headmaster fight him?"
Andromeda looked up at the ceiling. "Only three times. After that he-who-must-not-be-named always pulled back the moment Dumbledore stepped onto the battlefield. That is why he is believed the only wizard you-know-who did fear."
Andromeda looked down again. "And this is the reason that your sacrifice, even though it would have been quite noble, wouldn't have changed the thing you hoped for. But if you want, I can talk to someone, maybe we can figure something out, that puts that fear to rest."
Harry looked surprised. "Like what?"
Andromeda shrugged. "I don't know yet, but magic is full of surprises."
"Okay. Let's leave that for a moment. When you think about what you tried to do, what do you feel?"
Harry blinked a few tears from his eyes. "Shame. I...I don't know it felt like the only option left, but when I woke up in the hospital wing I was so relieved that I didn't die and also ashamed beyond everything that I had tried that. I can't even begin to think what it would have done to Sirius, to Narcissa. To Dawn!" He motioned to the sleeping phoenix.
Andromeda inclined her head slightly. "They would probalby be sad for a very long time. I know, I would have been."
Harry flushed a little more. "Sorry." He mumbled. Andromeda shook her head.
"No Harry, I am sorry. This comment wasn't meant to make you feel guilty. I only wanted to point out, that even for someone like me, who met you only twice, you are a very special person and I enjoy being around you." She smiled warmly. Then her face got serious.
"Harry, how well is your potions knowledge?" She asked. Harry shrugged a little confused once more. This conversation was totally different from what he had expected.
"Okay, I guess. I'm around average or would be if Snape wouldn't be such an a...unfrai teacher." Andromeda acutally chuckled a little.
"I have met Severus Snape a few times over the years." She leaned forward twinkling almost with her eyes like Dumbeldore did so often. "He is an asshole, but don't tell anyone."
Harry chuckled a little at that.
Andromeda reached out and handed him a roll of parchment.
"Would you do me a favour? Read the marked paragraph?"
Harry rolled out the parchment, seeing that some were bright red.
"Side effects. Continued consumption causes low state of mood, sadness, depression, nihilism, tingling in feet and suicidal tendencies." He read out. Andromeda tapped her wand at the paper and Harry looked up were now was a word written.
"Dreamless sleep potion." He read.
Andromeda nodded. "Those have nasty side effects. Combined with your feeling of guilt and the amount you had in your body...well..." She trailed off as Harry's brain connected the dots.
He groaned. "I feel yo stupid." He said rubbing his forehead. Andromeda chuckled a little.
"No need. Quite a few people fell into that trap. You don't have to feel bad. You just have to watch out for those in the future."
Harry frowned. "Does that mean that's it? I don't take those and everything will be fine?"
Now Andromeda made a sad face, shaking her head. "I'm afraid not. While those made yor condition worse, these potions are the singular reason for what happened. They are more of an amplifier. A totally and completely happy person with no worries or fears could drink those every night. But there is no such person. So while yes I highl recommend you not taking those potions anymore, I would suggest we talk more in the future, trying to figure out those bundled emotions and help you find a way dealing with those in a healthy way. Does that sound well?"
Harry nodded, brushing over Dawn. "I would like that." Then he thought. "How often do we meet?"
Andromeda smiled. "I would start with daily sessions at first. There is a lot to unpack and we look from there. Sounds good?"
Harry nodded and Andromeda smiled.
"Good, then I would suggest we are done for today, okay?" Harry nodded, picked up Dawn and stood.
Andromeda also rose to her feet and reached into her robes. "One last thing. I would like you to read this."
She handed him a small book.
"The life of Godric Gryffindor." Harry read the title out loud. He eyed her carefully. Andromeda smiled.
"You might enjoy it, Harry. If nothing else it is a very well written book and not really long. Would you do that for me until our next session?" Harry opened the book slightly, ruffling through the pages. It was really not so long.
"I can do that." He said.
A little bit short this chapter but it felt right to end it on this state.
This was the hardest chapter I had to write EVER. I waged back and forth, figured, thought and argued with myself. First I have no psychological training or anything so I have to wing it quite a bit. Also like I said never had to deal with suicide in real life so I have a lot to guess what is right and what is wrong.
I know the potions sound a little cheap as an excuse but normally it would be the right thing to take Harry and only focus on his healing for the next I don't know 200.000 words and that is something I can't do. So yeah a little bit of something else.
I know Harry trusts Andy pretty quick but I need this to work and therefore...you just saw. Also, tiny doubt planted in Harry about his relationship with Ginny. Just first hints at their breakup.
I hope you enjoyed, please do comment and see you all around soon.
Next up: Visits.