A weird boy gets up slowly from the ground he found he was laying in.
And looks around the vast blank canvas that surrounds him. While feeling confused and thinking maybe his vision went bad cause everywhere he looked it was:
White.
Everything was covered in an endless sea of white.
Not a single object in sight. No buildings, no animals, and definitely no people.
No noise was present, everything was static. Like if time had seemingly paused. All emotions halted, no sadness, no joy, nothing cute in this ocean of whi-
"OH MY GOD, your fucking adorable."
Ok an almost endless sea of white.
"Hey what are you doing!? Stop that! Do you know who the hell I am!?"
The "fucking adorable" being shouts at the weird boy,.
There goes the peace and quiet.
"No of course not, but you're so darn cute."
"Ugh, hey stop, no stop, STO-Ahhhhh~"
And now we see a tall, black haired, teen pinching a platinum-haired loli's cheeks.
As the loli's eyes turn red and it seems like she is about to shoot out laser beams she furiously declares :
"You know what, fuck you! Subaru Natsuki can't move."
"Huh? What did you just do!? I can't move!"
"Humph, that's what you get you molester," says the platinum haired loli now sitting on top of the poor boy. Smiling smugly down at her newest toy.
"Wait where the fuck am I, did I die? Are you the angel sent to take me to heaven!? Yes, now I can die happy" says one Subaru Natsuki crying anime tears. While he would miss his family, it is a true weeb's dream come true what is happening to him.
"You aren't de-"
"Wait, if I'm about to get sent to heaven, can I have one request, please?"
The loli, feeling intrigued, decided to let him ask for a request, even if she knew he wasn't dead.
"Ahem, first I would like the ability to move, I swear I won't 'molest' you this time"
Sighing, she lets him get up, eyeing him suspiciously since this boy is fucking weird, yet amusing. But what she didn't expect was the weird pose he made right when he got up. (You know the one.)
"I Natsuki Subaru, have but one request…"
He stops for dramatic effect
"... to braid your hair"
"..."
"..."
As if time stopped, it suddenly resumed when the platimun haired loli just simply gave up and let this lolimancer do his thing.
"... fine"
"Yay, come sit in my lap"
She follows him as he sits on the ground patting his lap, she slowly turns around and sits on his lap, and he instantly starts braiding her hair. They sit in a comfortable silence as the black haired teen starts humming a tune.
The young girl is feeling in a rather good mood at this unexpected pleasant feeling, of letting this new toy of hers play and make her already gorgeous locks of hair even more dazzling.
"There you go, all done! You look even more adorable!"
The loli snaps her fingers as a mirror appears in front of her and she starts admiring her new look. After she's done she nods to herself then turns towards Subaru.
"Ok, now we get to the serious stuff. You, in fact, are not dead or dying and ar-"
"Wait seriously than what is th-"
"Do not interrupt me, this is your last warning"
Subaru gulps and starts sweating bullets.
"Ok, so as I was saying, you aren't dead but you are leaving your world. You are going to a different world, specifically mine. I know you're going to ask so I'll just tell you now, I won't be coming with you," Subaru visibly deflates at that, "but I will allow you one item to take with you, as well as a special power you will need to find out about by yourself. You may now speak."
Subaru looked like he was going to explode from excitement as he could barely stand still, " finally! I've been waiting for this my entire worthless life, I get to live the isekai dream, though it does sadden me you won't be coming i still can't wait. Now let me think about what I want…"
Subaru went into a thinking pose for… exactly five seconds, then starts spouting out words faster than a jet airplane, " okiwantaM32Rotarygrenadelauncherthatissenti-"
"Hey, hey slow down gimme a second" the loli says as she talks out a notepad and pen from thin air, "ok now start from the beginning"
" I want a transforming M32 Rotary grenade launcher with infinite ammo, that can also switch ammo types," Subaru says, practically bouncing on his feet.
"Ok, how about this, a grenade launcher that can transform into a human loli, as well as have a mental connection with you, and can absorb mana from the air to instantly reload. The ammo change is a given, because of how it's just natural energy in the shape of ammo."
The black haired teen was literally drooling at this point, since it was his literal dream to own a sla-*cough*weapon like this one since he started watching anime.
"What the fuck is wrong with you? Are you the new sin Archbishop of Depravity?" Exclaims the powerful loli, as she toys with the idea of creating a new class of sin while smiling. Then she turns around and continues:
"I'll take that as a yes, so when you get out of here and appear in the other world she'll come and find you,since it'll take some time for her to form."
"So when do I get to go?"
"Whenever you want" she replied
"How about now?"
"Sure" she says as she snaps her fingers and the boy disappears, "you are in for one hell of a ride Natsuki Subaru, and I'll enjoy every second of it," as she starts cackling.
And so Natsuki Subaru, soon to be known as "The Mad Bomber" starts his adventure in a new world, as Pandora watches it all unveil.
Chapter End
A/N
So ummm, where should I start? Hmmmm…
Ok so this, as you can probably tell, is going to be a crack fic. Hell, this might be the first Re:Zero crack fic on this site. Tell me what you think of the story in the reviews, you can be as harsh as you want, I can take it.(Probably)
Next, I would like to give special thanks to Oteycri000 for beta reading, as well as editing this chapter. The next chapter should be coming out in a couple of days.
Thank you for taking your time to read this fic, see you next time.
Ja ne!